How do I deal with my controlling mother? (extremely long post)

[martaxch]

When people, friends, or boyfriends meet my mom for the first time, they all say ''wow your mom is such a nice person''. Sure my mom portrays herself as a funny, laid-back, lively person who is still staying strong after being diagnosed with so many conditions and diseases at 28. And of course, she is strong in her own way but there is more than meets the eye.

This is where I am going to ask you to not call her all those nice things. It makes me sick to my stomach, having lived with her for 18 years and knowing her like nobody else does (not even my father has lived with her for so many years) and still having to hear how amazing and wonderful she is, by people who don't know **** about her, other than what she does/says in front of them for 5 minutes.

Sure, my mom never kept me from going on excursions with school or with friends-when many of my friends' parents didn't allow them to do the same. My mom let me stay outside even after 12 when I was 14, which is something most parents don't do for their daughters. (being a boy is always easier, you get to hang out with your friends till the early hours of morning regardless of your age). And my mom bought me everything I wanted and gave me presents even without me asking. She also made sure I was never tired or did anything exhausting. When the bus was really late, instead of letting me walk home she came to pick me up and drive me home when other parents did not to the same for their kids. I also got away with doing no to few chores. But all that came at a price.

 

Μy mom still thinks she is better than every other mother on earth because her mind isolated a few exceptions, a few cases of bad mothers, compared herself to them and concluded she's way better than that. If you tell her she's putting pressure on you, she'll say ''why, because I care way more than those indifferent mothers??''. So if you tell her she's doing something wrong, she'll just answer that it's her way of caring which other mothers don't know how to do. God forbid if the other mothers who don't make their kids want to kill themselves care for them and that's why they just let them be. Oh no! The only way that could be is if they don't care enough, and apparently she does.

 

Let me cite a few examples to explain exactly what I mean and what I've been going through all this time.

 

When I was in primary school, (8-9 at the time) my mother always said things to make me compete with my classmates. I should be top of my class, the smartest one in there, no one else could be smarter than me or do better at tests. Once a week or a month, she'd call the headmaster and ask him to ask all their teachers about my performance at school, just to make sure that her perfect daughter was still the best student. She'd always brag in front of me to our relatives or random people who happened to be there, about me. I always told her how it made me uncomfortable because I wasn't arrogant but she never gave a **** about how I felt. ''My Maria scored 100% on her exam/test'', ''she's on top of her class'' ''a teacher told me she's the best student in the whole school!''. Each time I had an exam at school and got the results, she'd always ask me about how the other kids did, and especially the smart ones, just to know if I did better or worse than my ''rivals''. I was just a kid, I didn't care about my classmates grades. But since my mom did, I started having worrying and feeling stressed. Was I going to do better than Marianne? What would my mom say if I told her I scored lower than Irene??

When another kid would do better than me at an exam, her egoism didn't allow her to say ''Well, my kid may not be the best student there is''. She'd always find an excuse as to why that happened. ''Marianne is a flatterer, trying to be in the teacher's favor, that's why'' or ''Marianne's parents are friends with the teacher, this isn't an honest and fair grading''. And I would just sit there and be like ''what's the big deal? I am a good student and everyone knows it. I don't have anything to prove to anyone. I don't care if I didn't score as much as someone else. If I fail, I fail. If I pass, I pass. Why do I always have to be compared to someone else?''

If I failed at a test someone else passed, mom would always say ''you'll do better than them next time! Your worth will show in high school!''. In the Panhellenic exams (which is something like SAT) which determines whether you'll get into a university or not, 2 of my classmates did better than me, although I did pretty good myself. But of course, mom couldn't just be happy with my grades. She had to compare me with them again and find an excuse for their better performance. ''Their questions were easier! Their grader was more lenient than yours! I bet they cheated''.

I tried to correct her a million times and showed her how bad and insecure that made me feel but with no success. Talking to my mom is like talking to a brick wall. Apart from that, there were hundreds of times when I would score a 80/100 on a test and mom would say I scored a 95/100 to make me seem smarter. And that hurt my feelings because she was never satisfied with anything I did and would always exaggerate.

 

Then we have the disagreements part. We fought over silly things because she just couldn’t accept the fact that I’m a different person, I belong to myself, I can say no to things I don’t want to do and I have rights besides responsibilities. For example, mom wanted to pop a pimple on my nose. She does that all the time, apparently it’s like a guilty pleasure for her. I’d always let her although she hurt me every time because it took her 3-4 tries till she could get the job done. Mind you I’m about 15. This time, I told her no. I would pop it myself because she hurts me and doesn’t do it the right way. She asked about 10 times and because I still said no, she started a fight. ‘’I always do what you want, I’ve bought you all these things, I never say no to anything you ask for, and I ask you to do this for me and you say no? That’s what I get for being such a good mom? You’re so ungrateful!’’ Of course, I felt bad saying no all those times so I had told her she could ask for anything else other than that, but she wanted that. If she didn’t get to do that, she didn’t want anything else. I was sick and tired of backing down every single time she wanted something, so this time I stuck to my plan. She didn’t cook for dinner that night and she hid everything that I could eat so that I stayed unfed and hungry. The next day, she cooked but didn’t talk till night. And when she finally said something, she did it with a long face, as if she was royalty and I was a scum.

 

That is everyday life for me. When I tell her something that goes against her wishes or beliefs or I refuse to do something she wants, she becomes stubborn and must punish you in any way that she can think of. For example, she calls me at least 2 times a day but has nothing to new to say except for ‘’good morning, how are you, how is it going, did you pass the test at uni? Did you buy what I told you to?’’ so when I finally had enough and asked her to only call me once, instead of a minimum of two and maximum of 6 times per day, she hung up on me after she yelled ‘’now I’m annoying, hah? Okay I won’t bother you again’’.

 

Yesterday, for the third time in a row she told me to call someone to bring us our carpets back. Since it’s almost summer, we don’t need our carpets right away. We’ve paid for them and they’re safely stored. We won’t pay extra if they keep them till winter. But she decided I should do it tomorrow and that’s it. F*** your life, leisure time, responsibilities, chores or schedule. Since mom said tomorrow you can’t do anything, you stupid robot. When she asked if I had done that already, and I kept silent war arose. I calmly told her I know I have that responsibility and that I will do it when I find the time. She said ‘’that’s what you always say and you never do it’’ then I explained to her that she only takes care of the house so she has plenty of time to do everything in a day but I don’t (I go to university -3-9 hours a day, for five times a week-, I have a god who needs to go out 3 times a day, I have 2 tests and 2 projects this month, books for uni that I must collect before the deadline, a dentist appointment, a vet appointment, a groomer appointment, and I also want to see my boyfriend every once in a while, let alone rest a little bit). So I told her again that I know I must do it at some point but I can’t be reminded of it 3 times a day which is bothering me greatly and she said ‘’wow you are acting like that because I told you you should do something you actually need to do?’’ like she hasn’t been nagging me about things like that for 20 years. ‘’Okay, I won’t bother you again, goodnight.’’ She hung up on me and it’s been 38 since she last called.

 

Another epic example of my suffering, was when mom visited me in the house I’m renting. She ordered me to take out the trash and I replied I would, but an hour later. She said I had to do it immediately, before it started to smell, and I replied again that I would do it when I had the time to. After a brief fight, I explained that that was my house and my rules and since she didn’t want to get up and go do it herself and was asking me to do something for HER, she had to follow my rules and not hers. In her house, she is free to do whatever she wants whenever she wants it because she is autonomous. She then proceeded to call my father at work and inform him about how I told her to go back to her house…My father was outraged and called me seconds later and told me to never disrespect her like that again, because she is sad and must not be sad because of her health problems. That it was HIS house (he’s paying for the rent) and that I’m the guest in it, that even if I was right I had to shut up and not distress her. Next morning, she packed her bags and left. My aunt called me asking me why I was behaving like that, pushing my mother to leave and roam the streets of a city she didn’t know. I had to chase her around and beg her to come back as if it was all my fault she was being overdramatic…And all that because I didn’t want to take the trash out at 9 and was going to do it an hour later.

Another fight ensued in 2012. I was 16 and had a boyfriend. I was an exceptional student with a bright future. I was a very shy girl, an introvert who never got in trouble and was always obedient when it comes to curfews. I always called my mother to let her know exactly where I was and when I was coming home. She knew everything about my friends and that I was going to hang out with them before I arranged anything. She knew who I was dating (told her the first day I met him, she had seen him on skype, then met him in personal) and I never hid anything from her. But apparently, I couldn’t stay up late. I had to be asleep at 11 pm. Obviously that was not fine by me. I was a teenager, who went to school at 8 am and came back at 2pm, then had outside classes till 8 pm then had dinner and spent time with mom and then I had little free time to speak to my long distance boyfriend. So I couldn’t do that if my bed time was 11pm. I had to hide from her and pretend I’m asleep when she checked on me. One day, she came in to check, I pretended I was asleep and when she left I continued to talk to my boyfriend. She must have heard something because she immediately came back and caught me in the act. We had a huge fight about how I should be sleeping (her reason was that the internet and my laptop were going to distract me from my studies). I explained nobody restricts their kids like that (at least in Greece) and that she was overreacting. The result? She slapped me across the face and threw my phone across the room, smashing it.

 

You may be wondering by now, can’t I talk to someone about all this, have someone help me? The answer is no, I can’t. My father was been working as a steward on a ship since 1993. He works almost 18 hours a day and sleeps for 6 hours on and off. He sees my mother 2 a week at best, for10 minutes total. He knows how controlling she can be and how selfish and stubborn she is but he chooses to go along with her wishes so that he doesn’t have to deal with her. When she tried to snitch on me multiple times after fights and called him, he’d call me and yell at me ‘’I work my ass of every day for you and then I have you two fighting like bitter people and nagging me!!!! Figure it out on your own!!’’ which basically means ‘’comply to whatever she says/wants’’. I’ve sat down with my father and calmly explained to him that I cannot do whatever she wants all the time because I’m feeling like I’m drowning and suffocating. She can’t always hide behind the excuse of her health and have her own way 100% of the time. He said ‘’I know what it’s like, it’s difficult but you have to do what I’ve being doing, have patience, you know what your mother is like and we all have our flaws.’’ And then he went about how he can’t be bothered to deal with her and play the role of the referee between us.

My grandma thinks she’s still living in the 1950’s and cannot hold a normal conversation. She basically does way worse thing than my mother, so I couldn’t really count on her to save me. My grandfather is a nazi worshipper and we cannot relate. My paternal grandfather is dead and his wife doesn’t like my family and we rarely ever talk. I am not close to any other member of my family but even if I were, whenever we fight, my mother calls them up and lets them know about how horrible of a daughter I am and they all believe her. No one ever bothered to listen to my side of the story.

 

I had tried to make my mother understand what she’s doing to me and how she makes me want to kill myself. In 2012, I wrote her a seven-page letter, informing her I was depressed and cutting myself because she put so much pressure on me. I gave it to her and all she had to say was ‘’you’re so ungrateful, you have everything. I’ve bought you everything you want, your father and I love you more than any other parent lovers their child and you’re blaming me because you cry all the time?’’ and there went my last chance of making her understand. She never talked about it again.

 

Another time, we were fighting about something which I don’t remember. She called me stupid and said she wasn’t my mother anymore and that I shouldn’t visit her ever again. Next day she said she was sorry and because I said ‘’it’s okay’’ instead of ‘’you don’t have to be sorry, you did nothing wrong’’ she went bat**** crazy and replied with ‘’Really? I should be sorry?’’.

Ι swear to my life, each time I refuse to do something she wants, she just says something dramatic while playing the victim and then she hangs up and waits for me to apologize and call her back. I don’t have to curse or call her names or be disrespectful, it only takes a single ‘no mom, I don’t want to’’. For example, since I tell my mom everything she meets my boyfriends before I actually meet them..Even before they become my actual boyfriends, she HAS to meet them and of course, you can’t ****ing say no. I had met someone online and would meet them in person for the first time. I told her I was going out with said guy and she demanded that he come pick me up so she could meet him. I was like wtf I don’t even know if I’ll keep on talking with this guy, it’s just a date! If you’re wondering what happened, she met him..

 

So, with my current boyfriend of 2+ years, she acts however she wants to. When I’m with him, she calls and demands to speak to him too. And she also calls at random days just to see how he’s doing. She doesn’t even think about how stupid that is. It’s not being nice, it’s having nothing to do all day and just calling random people to spend her time. But for my boyfriend, it’s very annoying. He is always polite to her but imagine, having your girlfriend’s mother calling you more than your own mother, at least 4 times a month and then talking to you 5 times a week when your girlfriend is over. So last time my mom wanted to talk to my boyfriend which was yesterday, I didn’t say no exactly but was delaying the whole thing and she got mad AGAIN. Like, in order to not give her what she wants, I must have a good reason like: he is sleeping, he is taking a shower, he is not here right now. If I tell her ‘’I don’t want you to speak to him, you’re always doing this, you spoke to him yesterday, God I’m your child, he’s nothing to you, why are you being so clingy?’’, well if I tell her that, I’ll be dead by tomorrow. But long story short, you can’t tell her ‘’I just don’t want to give the phone to him so you can talk’’ she won’t respect it. So everyone must do what she wants if we want to have our peace of mind and not get into a fight. Which means I have to deal with feeling bored and sleepy when I talk to her 5 times a day, every day, my boyfriend talking to her whenever she asks him to, my father saying yes to everything she wants. She even controls what I do, even when it’s none of her business:

-Maria go to the dentist on Monday’.

-Why mom? I think it’s better if I go on Wednesday because I have classes on Monday

-(gives no good reason but insists I go on Monday and gets mad if I don’t listen to her advice and go when she said)

BECAUSE SHE ****ING SAID SO

 

Apart from the fact that this affects me in my daily life and is suffocating me because I can’t be my own person, it has ruined me in another way as well. I grew up with her so I became like her. I did to my boyfriend what she was and IS doing to me. Fortunately, I was able to understand that before it caused serious trouble in our relationship and I was disgusted with myself. I make a lot of mistakes, like all people, but I can recognize when I am wrong and I question my decisions and beliefs so that I become a better person and change my attitude if I discover I’m wrong. My mother never does that. You can’t tell her she’s wrong because you’ll make her sad and she has health problems. She then plays the victim to everyone telling only HER side of the story which is always exaggerated so as to make her look innocent and nice. What’s more, she portrays me as a rebellious teen who talks back and is ungrateful of her parents’ sacrifices in life. No one tells her a single thing when she complains about me on the phone, because they either think she’s right (she also has a huge problem with lying and twisting what actually happened) or they don’t want to disagree with her because they don’t think it’s important.

 

Recently we fought about my dog. I have a 10 year old dog named Lulu who was living with us on the island I was born. My mom didn’t let her stay in because she thinks dogs are dirty, so she spent her whole life in the smallest yard ever. I was little back then and my mom had no actual knowledge of what a dog needs (when I got access to internet it was already too late and we receive no education about animals at school). So I didn’t walk the dog, we just let her poop in the yard and my mother or I would clean it up. We had her vaccinated and all that but the dog spent 24 hours a day alone. I would often go out to pet her but couldn’t bring her inside for more than 5 minutes. Fearing my dog would die alone and away from me and that my mom didn’t care enough about the dog, I decided to bring her with me in Athens, where I study at university. Also, I was determined to give my dog the life she never had but was supposed to have, now that I knew how much she had been missing out on. But before I could do that, Lulu was going to have surgery on her teeth because they weren’t in the best condition. I had noticed her teeth were brown and told my mother we should take her to the vet to have them cleaned or taken out. She wouldn’t pay the expenses so the dog had to suffer. Let me tell you here that I don’t work because my father makes a fair amount of money per month and my mother wanted me to concentrate on my studies and have to worry about nothing else. But since I was 11 or 12, she would give me some money that I could spend however I pleased. I would save it for important stuff, like school supplies or a trip with school but I could really spend it on anything I wanted because it was my pocket money, MY money. So, I told mom I wouldn’t buy anything for like 4-5 months just to use my money to pay for the dog’s surgery. She wouldn’t have to give me extra money, I’d use my own which was already saved but for something else. She then told me it was her money (which is actually my father’s) though it was supposed to be mine since we made that deal 8 years ago[=She’d give me a small amount of money that was supposed to be mine and I could buy whatever I wanted with that.]

My mother, of course, wasn’t keen on letting me take the dog with me.

a) ‘’You don’t know how to take care of her’’- but she did?!?!

b) ‘’It’s going to be very difficult and binding!’’- I know and I still want to take her.

c) ‘’She keeps me company, I’m going to be left alone here!’’- she keeps her company?? She only sees the dog when she goes out to throw her food –which by the way was toxic for the dog who was overweight- which lasted less than 1 minute in a day. Mind you she never petted or played with her.

Those were her arguments against me taking my dog with me. I brought Lulu with me in October and to this day, she has mentioned the dog more than 200 times. ‘’Have you thought about bringing the dog back?’’ ‘’I think it’s best you bring her back and let her stay with me’’. If I ever mention I must do something for the dog which is putting pressure on me because I also have uni or other appointments, she doesn’t waste the opportunity to say ‘’I told you so! It’s time you brought her back!’’ to which I reply ‘’I’m just stating that it is difficult like I knew it would be, it doesn’t mean I’ve changed my mind, mom..’’ I’ve told her that it’s annoying that she asks all the time and that if I ever need help or change my mind I’ll let her have the dog. (which is a lie, I’d never let her take the dog because she’ll treat her like **** but I wanted her off my back). Still, she feels the need to ask me a hundred times more every time we’re on the phone, even if we’re not talking about Lulu at all.

[At this point I must tell you not to feel sad because my mom said she’s alone. What she means is she only wants to spend time with my and/or my dad and since we’re both away, she doesn’t want to be around anyone else although they ask her every day. My aunt, my grandma and my uncle invite her to meals and come to her house every day but she wants to get rid of them- And then complains they didn’t invite her for one specific event.. Her hypocrisy is also evident when she complains and dishes on her mother for being annoying or indiscreet but then cannot believe that she may be annoying to her own daughter but is surprised that I feel that way for her. She can never admit she made a mistake or is wrong about something, it must always be the other person’s fault for thinking that. She never does any self-exploration, or think ‘’wait, maybe I’m wrong. Why else would Maria say that I’m putting so much pressure on her?’’ ]

 

And as if that wasn’t annoying enough, the other day when we were supposed to pay a visit to my boyfriend’s parents in their house, she started a conversation about Lulu. She began to describe how the dog wasn’t cold in the winter because her house was turned to the side (although it was 0 Celsius outside and she didn’t let me give Lulu a blanket or some cloth to keep warm) and how happy she was because she wasn’t trapped in an apartment and stuff like that. Mind you, that my mom is a VERY LOUD talker. Like, you could be sleeping on the third floor and she’d be on the ground floor talking on the phone and she could still wake you up. I was one floor below her when I stopped hearing her. I said to myself jokingly, she must be complaining about me ‘cause she doesn’t talk loud any more. I open the door and I hear her whispering with an ‘’I won, I’m right’’ attitude: she now sees how difficult it is to care for the dog but she won’t give her back to me, because that would mean she’d have to confess she made a mistake’’.

So, in conclusion,

1. my mom still thinks I’m being selfish and that I have regretted bringing the dog which I most certainly haven’t

2. she talks behind my back to strangers and third parties because she wants them to tell her she’s right

3. she does it when I’m in the same house and doesn’t feel like she’s done something bad, although since she’s whispering she actually knows it’s not okay

4. and of course, she still thinks putting all this pressure on me for a finished business is okay just because she believes she knows best.

 

When we got back home, I didn’t confront her about it, I just went to my room. When she saw I wasn’t coming out, she came in and asked me if I had fought with my boyfriend (like the only reason I could be sad, was If I had fought with someone else, of course it couldn’t be her fault for once.. or couldn’t think of having done anything wrong a few hours before..). I was about to explode so I started screaming ‘’are you serious? That’s the only reason you can think of?? You said in front of everyone that you think I’m selfish and that’s why I don’t admit bringing the dog with me was wrong. Is that what you think of me after all this time? Can’t you just accept the fact that the dog is happier here with me and that I made the right decision for both me and the dog?’’

You know what she said? She called me a liar and claimed she had never said such a thing and that I heard wrong. She said that when I heard the word ‘mistake’ it was my boyfriend’s mom explaining how feeding her a carrot was wrong. Like I can’t tell their voices apart or didn’t hear the whole sentence mentioning MY DOG. Also, when I went to the third floor, as soon as I heard my mom talking behind my back, I asked ‘’what mistake are you talking about, who made a mistake’’ to bait her and no one could reply. They started talking about other stuff, avoiding my question which explains a lot.

 

The only thing I can think of that will be of help is if someone else talked some sense into her. Like, if a bunch of people told her that was she’s doing is not normal but harmful it would obviously make a change and force her to rethink her ways. I wish that could be a professional psychologist or other expert but I don’t have the money for that and even if I could afford them, she’d never attend meetings that would blame her in any way or tell her to change. My only hope was my boyfriend’s parents who are very nice and reasonable but life showed me they don’t disagree with her either in order not to hurt her feelings..

 

Do you see any other solution?

[Mr. Lucky]

martaxch, you really can't post in such a "stream of consciousness" format and expect to get much feedback, most members won't wade through thousands of words.

 

If my math is correct, you're 21 years old and eligible to live your own life on your own terms. This may include creating healthy boundaries and a safe distance from someone like your Mom. So, at this point, the only person holding you back - is you. Take responsibility for making the changes you desire, I'll bet you'll find the effort to be empowering.

 

Keep posting - but in shorter bursts :-) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[martaxch]

Thank you for reading my post and replying Mr. Lucky. I know my post is way too long but I needed to vent to someone and also explain the situation as better as I could. Some people are quick to judge and offer solutions that I can't use because they don't know the full scale of the situation!

 

Unfortunately, I am not independent and I cannot be for -at least- one more year. I'm still studying at university and here in Greece, you cannot find a job without a college degree (at least right now). If I could find a job and have my own money, I would be independent and cut my mother off for sure and I wouldn't have to deal with her but there are no job opportunities until you graduate. Even if I found the most terrible job that wouldn't require a degree I don't have yet- the money would only pay for rent, I wouldn't be able to actually live (buy groceries and furniture, pay the bills, take care of the dog).

 

I guess the only thing I can do is be patient until I gradute

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess the only thing I can do is be patient until I gradute

 

Probably true. But that doesn't mean you can't take proactive steps to limit the interactions and better control them when they do occur. You come across as a fairly self-confident person. If you have faith in your own abilities, the opinions of others should carry little weight. Understand that their negativity and judgemental approach says a lot about them and very little about you.

 

In other words, this too shall pass. Don't let it define you, your story is yet to be written . And boy, for a non-native speaker, your English is spectacularly good!

 

Mr. Lucky

[martaxch]

Thank you for your kind words. I don't listen to my mom's name-calling or opinion of me but the fact that she gets away with controlling me to that extent, makes me feel powerless and disgusted.

 

Your compliment on my use of english was surprising but certainly gave me a confidence boost! I passed my proficiency exam back in 2011. Then, I had many online friends from all over the world which forced me to speak english and use it dailty and I also wrote poetry in english. After 6 years of having little to no interaction with the language I thought I wouldn't be able to express myself correctly and get my point across.

 

Thank you for the compliment and the advice a well! Have a nice day.

[Miss Clavel]

it will get better. it always does, around the time you turn 23 or 24.

 

it's a long slow process for a mother to let go. heart wrenching to see the tiny birdie you grew under your breast leaving the nest.

 

and your safety is her biggest concern.

 

for you, i think it's being made much harder because your mother is not only physically ill but suffering from mental illness as well, as i'm sure you've begun to suspect by now.

 

i'm not sure what's wrong with her mind but i am sure that what you are doing is the right thing. you have to stand up for yourself. you have to tell her no. if you do not want to take out the garbage or bring lulu back, don't.

 

do not give in when people call you to berate you and bully you into giving in to her. stick to your guns.

 

and btw, it is possible to not answer the phone. any phone. don't you have caller ID? if you don't want to talk to her, don't answer the phone.

 

there is an old saying "your friends don't need an explanation and your enemies won't believe you".

 

so when the family calls to bully you just make one short and sweet statement regarding the situation and hang up. you can say, "you have no idea" over and over. or just say, "i'm not changing my mind, stay out of it". and firmly put the phone down.

 

you have a year to go. start putting up the boundaries and borders against the day she tries to say she can look after your children. think about that.you have a year to let her know, you are in charge now and if she doesn't get with the program she's out of your life. say it. mean it. she will give in when it dawns on her that you are the only one around to look after her when she gets old and infirm. god willing.

 

you have a very tight schedule. a LOT going on and i while i get tired just reading about all you have to do in a day, still i congratulate you. but let me add more one thing to the agenda, stop thinking out all the **** that happened to you when you were a child. yes, your mother is loud and rude and it shamed you to have her brag about your grades, but that's in the past. let it go. tell your self she didn't set out to hurt you, she's mental and doing the best she can. let it go.

 

you are in a struggle for your life. well, your own life anyway. and she can't let you go because she hasn't got anyone else.

 

so, finally, my advice to you is to stick up for yourself, let the hags gossip and maybe adopt a pet for your mom. maybe not a dog tho. a cat or some birds. maybe some fish.

 

best of luck

[Bella_Lee]

Quite a long post but obviously a much needed act of getting a lot off your chest. Sometimes we need to express how we feel and to feel we are being heard, which is really important. I know you said you don’t really have anyone in your family you can confide in but do you have student counselors or mentors at your university? It might be useful for you to be able to speak to someone who will be able to help you process how you are feeling. From what you’ve written your Mum has both good and bad qualities which I think is normal for most people and the truth is we don’t get to choose our parents or family members. Just try to remember that soon you will graduate and have a job that will enable you to be independent and no longer feel that your life is being controlled by your Mum. I can also see from what you’ve written that you are also learning a lot from this situation because you said you recognize when you are making similar mistakes and question your decisions and beliefs so you can become a better person which I think is very commendable. I encourage you to continue to be patient in this situation and know that with time comes change and hopefully change for the better. Wish you all the best in your degree and future.

[darkmoon]

I had a difficult mother too

 

she picked the fights that she would win

 

can you just be still and happy in the face of drama?

 

I got chatting to a man at a family gathering who saw my mother as a "difficult person" which liberated me as he was somebody was supportive of me (without being asked).

[anika99]

I only made it about halfway through your post but I think I get the gist of it. Your mother does sound quite controlling and prone to drama and I get why you feel as you do. However there are always at least two sides to a story and more than one perspective. I could list for you all the wonderful qualities of my mother and tell you all the good things she has done and you would believe that I had the best mom in the world or I could list all of her bad traits and tell you all the horrible things she put me through as a child and you would believe that I had the worst mother ever, but in both cases I'm talking about the same person.

 

Your feelings are real and valid but your perceptions are not 100% accurate. First of all most boys are not allowed to be out at all hours of the night regardless of their age. My boys had curfews and so did all the other boys in my family. Expecting you to be in bed by 11 at the age of sixteen hardly sounds unreasonable to me. When I was sixteen on school nights I had to be home by 9 and in bed by 10. Teenagers need more sleep than adults do. Also if your father is paying your rent then it is not your house. When you are no longer financially dependent on your parents is when you get to tell them your rules.

 

I believe you have some valid complaints about your mother but that some of your complaints are blown up out of proportion. If you want to stay sane until you are free and independent it will help you to put things into perspective. It's good to talk and get your feelings out but be careful not to wilfully sit and stew in negative thoughts of your parents or not to deliberately replay bad memories over and over again in your head. That is one thing my mother did that I could not stand...lol. I swear to God, she would get up every morning thinking about how she had been wronged by her mother and she would think about it all day until she went to bed, for years and years. There was no conversation I could have with her that didn't turn into a monologue about how her mother was unfair to her. She made herself miserable and unhappy.

[BaileyB]

Best advice I ever received was "Your relationship with your mother will improve so much when you move out." And, it definitely did.

 

Of course, having now lost my mother at a young age, I miss her dearly. I even miss her controlling habits, which I have now come to see as a mother's love.

 

Not all relationships are perfect. Not all mothers are perfect. Your mother may be controlling and she may creat a lot of drama... But it is your choice whether you chose to engage with her in this way. Nobody can ever make you unhappy, without your permission. I hope things get better for you and your mother. Take care.

Edited May 9, 2017 by BaileyB