Confession.....? Remorse?

[Life lessons]

I know I've been very adamant in regards to not confessing to my h about the A that I had but now I'm having doubts ----- I'll explain a little more below.

 

OM has started contacting me again and I feel like I'm not strong enough! Actually, I hate to even say it, but I'm not strong enough!

 

When he contacted me, we did start communicating again, via message....but I stopped communication since...

 

We have NOT met up to have a PA, although he will return to my place of employment very soon and again, im not feeling strong enough. I guess that's why an A is often referred to as an addiction!? It's so easy to get pulled back into the A, even when constantly telling yourself it isn't going to happen...and it's not worth risking everything for.

 

I have no doubts, as I've previously stated, that I could avoid him...but with that said....I don't know if I can.

 

I guess the point that I'm getting to is that considering I'm too weak, I think confessing to my h is the only way that I can completely stop this and cut all ties!

 

How does one confess? I don't feel it's as easy as just sitting one down and saying oh, I had an A. So how do I bring this up to h? Any suggestions? I definitely want to make certain our child isn't there and I think it's best to talk about it at home...I just don't know how to start that conversation.....

 

 

Also, I know I've read here, often, that the WS must show lots of remorse....what if h doesn't feel like I'm remorseful enough?

[aileD]

Well you need to have a plan. Like quitting your job.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

You're not remorseful. I'm all for telling your BH, but your not doing so for his benefit, but for yourself. Again, it's all about you.

 

If you were remorseful, the very idea of seeing your AP again would make you sick to your stomach. Instead your getting all giddy and worked up.

 

How do you confess? You sit him down and tell him. It really is that simple. When my wife confessed her segue was mentioning how another couple we knew were getting a divorce. Then she started talking about our marriage, and how others might view our marriage looking in from the outside. Then she told me about her affair.

[kgcolonel]

I know I've been very adamant in regards to not confessing to my h about the A that I had but now I'm having doubts ----- I'll explain a little more below.

 

OM has started contacting me again and I feel like I'm not strong enough! Actually, I hate to even say it, but I'm not strong enough!

 

When he contacted me, we did start communicating again, via message....but I stopped communication since...

 

We have NOT met up to have a PA, although he will return to my place of employment very soon and again, im not feeling strong enough. I guess that's why an A is often referred to as an addiction!? It's so easy to get pulled back into the A, even when constantly telling yourself it isn't going to happen...and it's not worth risking everything for.

 

I have no doubts, as I've previously stated, that I could avoid him...but with that said....I don't know if I can.

 

I guess the point that I'm getting to is that considering I'm too weak, I think confessing to my h is the only way that I can completely stop this and cut all ties!

 

How does one confess? I don't feel it's as easy as just sitting one down and saying oh, I had an A. So how do I bring this up to h? Any suggestions? I definitely want to make certain our child isn't there and I think it's best to talk about it at home...I just don't know how to start that conversation.....

 

 

Also, I know I've read here, often, that the WS must show lots of remorse....what if h doesn't feel like I'm remorseful enough?

 

 

Please don't take this wrong, but.....are you remorseful? In what ways are you remorseful?

 

Are you willing to listen to his hurt in whatever form it may surface, i.e. anger, bitterness, needing detailed questions, exposure of you and your AP etc? Are you willing to pay the price you have caused in the betrayal for him?

 

These are the things that will exemplify your level of remorse. When a WS is reluctant to come clean, many times it is only for the WS's on good, not for the M or for the BS. Give this some thought, I personally think you're on the right track but need to be able to show him just how remorseful you truly are....without self interest.

[goodyblue]

Well you need to have a plan. Like quitting your job.

 

I love how this is just thrown around because, yeah! Jobs are a dime a dozen! Jesus get on with reality!

 

OP, sometimes it is the only way to have strength, through someone else. Please be prepared, your bs may never forgive you. May leave you. Make sure you will be ok with every possible scenario. Good luck!

[GoldenR]

Can a wayward ever be remorseful enough? Probably not...what sucks so much for the BS is that the onus is on them to be the one to decide to keep the marriage together or not. They get fed a **** sandwich, and in order to keep everyone in the family happy, they're forced to choke it down with a smile. Either that, or they're the ones to break the family up with the actual decision to do so, never mind that they're not the one that broke wedding vows.

 

But actions > words when attempting R. You will have to quit your job, bc you'll never be out of the A if you still have the capability of running into OM. Be humble, be contrite, be eternally grateful if he stays with you. And yes,I mean for the rest of your lives together, bc he will NEVER forget this. I read a story on another website today where the BS was saying how it's been 13 years since his wife's A happened. How she from the get-go did everything right and still too this day will cry from time to time for no reason and come to him and him and whiskey in his ear over and over, "I'm so sorry". And he went on to say that he had a great weekend with her, fun times all around, sex sex sex all weekend, and he looked at her this morning and it all came back and he wonders if he should've left her back then and found someone that would never cheat. This is a very common happening for BSes. That's why I said for the rest of your time together.

 

That said, confessing goes a long way towards staying together. A very long way.

 

I wish you the best, LL.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I told my husband there was another man. And then I answered his questions. Once he asked me if it was physical... I started saying entirely too much.

 

So my word of caution to you is to allow him what he wants to ask and answer him honestly.

 

You won't be able to show enough remorse because you are not remorseful.. however.. you can give him a detailed timeline... you can become completely transparent and give him all of your passwords and accounts. You can read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda macDonald and be prepared to follow the book which will help you to answer his questions. And be accountable. You and you alone made the choice to cheat. Do not blame him in any way. It's not a mistake ... it was a deliberate choice.. one you made without regard to his feelings at all. You need to let him know you accept his decision regardless of what it is... to divorce or reconcile.

 

Confessing is much better than being discovered... and it will help you to stay accountable.

 

I am glad you have made this decision but I am also sad for you and your husband ... this will not be easy.

 

Best of luck to you both

[aliveagain]

If you are worried about his reaction do it in front of a counsellor or your minister. They can help you break the news but prepare yourself for what you are about to see, it's not going to be pretty. You can't control what the other man is going to do, blackmailing you back into the affair is common. He knows your afraid of exposure, he owns you.

[Overtaxed]

I told my husband there was another man. And then I answered his questions. Once he asked me if it was physical... I started saying entirely too much.

 

So my word of caution to you is to allow him what he wants to ask and answer him honestly.

 

You won't be able to show enough remorse because you are not remorseful.. however.. you can give him a detailed timeline... you can become completely transparent and give him all of your passwords and accounts. You can read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda macDonald and be prepared to follow the book which will help you to answer his questions. And be accountable. You and you alone made the choice to cheat. Do not blame him in any way. It's not a mistake ... it was a deliberate choice.. one you made without regard to his feelings at all. You need to let him know you accept his decision regardless of what it is... to divorce or reconcile.

 

Confessing is much better than being discovered... and it will help you to stay accountable.

 

I am glad you have made this decision but I am also sad for you and your husband ... this will not be easy.

 

Best of luck to you both

 

I'm not sure that's true. I do see spouses on here (typically men) who don't want the "details" but, really, can you truly heal without that? IDK, maybe some people are very different than me, but, without the details, my mind fills them in. And the "fill in" is, in almost every case I've read here and other places, FAR worse than the reality. And in my case, the reality was pretty bad (sex in our home while I was away on work, for example). But what I would have imagined was dramatically worse.

 

Do I have mind movies about it? Oh yeah, you bet. But those movies at least are "real" (or as real as I can make them), not imagined horrors that didn't actually happen. I suspect if your husband hadn't asked or you hadn't given him "too many" details, his mind would have done what mine does.

 

I think this is more for men than women, men focus more on the physical aspects and imagining your W doing things with OM she doesn't/won't do with you are just soul destroying. If there was some of that, you have to fix it (which is to do it with your H), and, if there wasn't; then by letting him know, his mind will be eased a bit.

 

Either way, I couldn't "not know", once I knew about the A, it was time to find out how "bad" it was. In quotes, because the only outcomes are "awful" to "soul destroying". There's no just "bad" when it comes to an A.

[alsudduth]

I know it's a very scary thought to confess....I know I struggled with that thought too...And I didn't confess and then I got caught. And I'm lucky that my H and I are reconciling (we both had an A so it puts us on a little more even ground and I suppose that makes it a little easier)

 

However - The best part of having it out in the open? He holds me accountable. My OM reached out a few times to me, and being able to tell my H about it, and keep myself on the up and up, helped a ton. At the end of it all, I'm glad he knows. I'm not sure if confessing or not is the right thing to do, but I am proof that affairs almost always have a way of getting caught, and I agree that if you confess first you are in a better position than most.

 

My H's affair ended almost 4 years ago....and just a couple weeks ago I found out details about it that he has lied to me about all these years...The OW had to poke her head in to cause more damage..So don't think that once the A is over, that it can't still come bite you in the arse.

 

And worse in your case, is that it's all still new - you are in a dangerous zone of getting pulled back into the affair. You will need your H's support to keep the affair finished.

[DKT3]

Write it down....once the conversation starts and you see his pain and anger. Judging from the things you've said here, you will go into Auto self protect mode. This gives way to TT.

 

Many have suggested writing two versions, one in full details, the other a cliff notes version. Either way, get it all out at once complete with this second coming. Make sure you have only one ground zero.

 

As mentioned before, there is a good chance it will end your marriage. Don't allow this place to fool you, most men will simply walk away from unfaithful women. But what are your options? It's clear that you will be back into the affair physically soon, mentally you've never left it which I've always thought was the base of your unwillingness to confess.

[Unforseen]

As a BS that discovered my WWs A I can tell you that having the BS find out on their own is not the way to go. Your chances will probably be better with a full disclosure from you on your own. The longer you let things continue in this fashion the more likely it is that you will be discovered.

 

I'd say the first thing you need to do is get your paper work in order. Draft a NC document for your BS approval. Complete a full and written timeline and prepare to be interrogated about its contents. For me at least the need to know what my WS was doing behind my back was very important to me. Even now it's not so much the information as her being willing to open herself up and give me the information without getting defensive or making excuses but really confessing with each answer that I asked for.

 

Pick your time as carefully as you can but do not hesitate to long or it will become a habit. Part of that regret and remorse will be in making sure your BS feelings come first. What you are about to reveal to him will devastate him. Don't do this on a Sunday night or work night. Make sure he will have some time to process this before he needs to be seen in public.

 

Personally speaking I think that once the initial shock of the affair had run its course I would have responded well to my WW needing my help to go NC and stay faithful this time. It will really depend on what kind of person he is and how humble you are when asking. And that is a key word, humble. You must show great humility in front of him while this takes its course. If you truly wish to save the marriage you must understand that he will not be happy with you and will make that very clear with all kinds of horrible words. Do not be defensive and do not get angry at him for how he feels and expresses it. Do not make excuses or blame shift, own the hell that your choices are causing him. But also, do not think that physical abuse is okay or acceptable. Your safety and well being still matter.

 

There are other great words of advice pinned at the top of the infedelity forum. Read them over and over again. When I showed them to my WW she really took them to heart and is still following by that guide now.

 

You will see the light and life fade from your BHs eyes. It will be replaced by pain and anger and anguish. It will hurt you a great deal but giving your BH the confession that he is owned will give you guys the best chance at R. It is true that he may not find you remorseful enough. But at this point his needs really must be your first priority in your life if your marriage is worth it to you. You have a long and painful road ahead. You both do. But if it was what you both really want than the struggle will be worth it.

 

Best of luck to you,

 

Just another BS.

[JohnAdams]

I'm not sure that's true. I do see spouses on here (typically men) who don't want the "details" but, really, can you truly heal without that? IDK, maybe some people are very different than me, but, without the details, my mind fills them in. And the "fill in" is, in almost every case I've read here and other places, FAR worse than the reality. And in my case, the reality was pretty bad (sex in our home while I was away on work, for example). But what I would have imagined was dramatically worse.

 

Do I have mind movies about it? Oh yeah, you bet. But those movies at least are "real" (or as real as I can make them), not imagined horrors that didn't actually happen. I suspect if your husband hadn't asked or you hadn't given him "too many" details, his mind would have done what mine does.

 

I think this is more for men than women, men focus more on the physical aspects and imagining your W doing things with OM she doesn't/won't do with you are just soul destroying. If there was some of that, you have to fix it (which is to do it with your H), and, if there wasn't; then by letting him know, his mind will be eased a bit.

 

Either way, I couldn't "not know", once I knew about the A, it was time to find out how "bad" it was. In quotes, because the only outcomes are "awful" to "soul destroying". There's no just "bad" when it comes to an A.

 

First, I do not think that there is such a thing as too many details. It is the truth, truth sometimes hurts. Left unsaid, it is still what happened.

 

 

Second, at least in my case reality was worse than my imagination.

 

 

Third, In the OP's case, nothing I have read would lead me to believe she is remorseful. From what I have read, I doubt there is even regret.

 

 

I do think she owes her husband a confession. So he can make up his own mind and know that he is at risk for STD's.

[wmacbride]

I haven't read all the responses, but I don't think it's fair for anyone to expect you to know the full depth of remorse until you have confessed. I think you will then.

 

I also think ( and please accept my apology if I am wrong) that you are a really sensitive person, and you are frightened, not of the honesty, but of how it could all play out.

 

I can understand that, but in the end, being honest will allow you to really see the full effect of your choices, and , if I am right about you, you are an empathetic person and seeing that will help the two of you to work through all of it. If you two can stick it out through the initial d-day, you may very well be able to build a better marriage that's honest right of the bat.

 

You are braver than you realize. See if a trusted friend or relative can watch the kids for a night, then tale a deep breath, find your centre, and let the truth come out.

[aileD]

I love how this is just thrown around because, yeah! Jobs are a dime a dozen! Jesus get on with reality!

 

OP, sometimes it is the only way to have strength, through someone else. Please be prepared, your bs may never forgive you. May leave you. Make sure you will be ok with every possible scenario. Good luck!

 

That's why it's a plan. If my husband told me he was having an affair with someone he worked with I would expect him to have a plan to find a new job because we wouldn't reconcile without NC.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

How does one confess? I don't feel it's as easy as just sitting one down and saying oh, I had an A. So how do I bring this up to h? Any suggestions? I definitely want to make certain our child isn't there and I think it's best to talk about it at home...I just don't know how to start that conversation.....

 

 

Also, I know I've read here, often, that the WS must show lots of remorse....what if h doesn't feel like I'm remorseful enough?

 

This still comes across as you trying to manipulate, manage and control the situation. Did you plan the A? If not, stop trying to plan the recovery. If he's interested, your BS will indicate what he wants and whens he wants it.

 

If you're honestly remorseful, you'll move heaven and earth to give it to him. If that's too much trouble, then like many WS you'll just be going through the motions out of guilt.

 

Send the kids away, get some private time and just talk to him. If he has questions, answer them fully and honestly. The truth needs neither scripting nor rehearsing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Life lessons]

Well you need to have a plan. Like quitting your job.

 

I do agree that I need to change jobs and I'm looking at openings now. My employer also has other locations....which will add more of a commute for me, but I do realize staying at the this location isn't possible because of OM being there!

 

I plan to talk with hr this week and I'm hoping I'll be able to relocate.

 

I'm not worried about the commute considering I've done this to myself and switching locations is the least I can do to ease h mind.

[Life lessons]

You're not remorseful. I'm all for telling your BH, but your not doing so for his benefit, but for yourself. Again, it's all about you.

 

If you were remorseful, the very idea of seeing your AP again would make you sick to your stomach. Instead your getting all giddy and worked up.

 

How do you confess? You sit him down and tell him. It really is that simple. When my wife confessed her segue was mentioning how another couple we knew were getting a divorce. Then she started talking about our marriage, and how others might view our marriage looking in from the outside. Then she told me about her affair.

 

...and that's what worries me!

 

Yes, I know I need to sit him down and answer all questions, etc., I was only hoping I could kind of veer the conversation towards this and needed recommendations. I guess I'll figure something out!

 

Thank you!

[Life lessons]

Please don't take this wrong, but.....are you remorseful? In what ways are you remorseful?

 

Are you willing to listen to his hurt in whatever form it may surface, i.e. anger, bitterness, needing detailed questions, exposure of you and your AP etc? Are you willing to pay the price you have caused in the betrayal for him?

 

These are the things that will exemplify your level of remorse. When a WS is reluctant to come clean, many times it is only for the WS's on good, not for the M or for the BS. Give this some thought, I personally think you're on the right track but need to be able to show him just how remorseful you truly are....without self interest.

 

I honestly don't know that I am and that's what worries me.

 

Although, I do think when I confess and realize the pain I've caused, that will change.....

 

I have no issues with the questions my h asks. I will answer then honestly.

 

As I've stated here, I always made OM use protection and we didn't do the wild and crazy sex or anything my h hasn't done. So I don't foresee any questions being an issue! I will answer them honestly.

[Life lessons]

I love how this is just thrown around because, yeah! Jobs are a dime a dozen! Jesus get on with reality!

 

OP, sometimes it is the only way to have strength, through someone else. Please be prepared, your bs may never forgive you. May leave you. Make sure you will be ok with every possible scenario. Good luck!

 

As I mentioned above, I do think I can secure another position because my employer has multiple locations, so I'm hoping this will not be an issue.

 

Regardless, I do know that I'm unable to up and quit because I don't think my h is going to choose to be with me, so therefore I will have to have means to support myself and child.

 

We've discussed this issue, hypothetically, in the past, and he did say he could never stay with me nor forgive me.

[DKT3]

...and that's what worries me!

 

Yes, I know I need to sit him down and answer all questions, etc., I was only hoping I could kind of veer the conversation towards this and needed recommendations. I guess I'll figure something out!

 

Thank you!

 

You have been given some good ways to confess, but none will allow you to control the outcome, which seems like what you're interested in.

 

Just a question, if this is so difficult, why not just end the marriage without confession? You won't have to really face consequences, quit your job or force yourself to stop talking to your boyfriend. Your husband get an opportunity to find a woman who will appreciate and respect him​. Win win.

[Life lessons]

Write it down....once the conversation starts and you see his pain and anger. Judging from the things you've said here, you will go into Auto self protect mode. This gives way to TT.

 

Many have suggested writing two versions, one in full details, the other a cliff notes version. Either way, get it all out at once complete with this second coming. Make sure you have only one ground zero.

 

As mentioned before, there is a good chance it will end your marriage. Don't allow this place to fool you, most men will simply walk away from unfaithful women. But what are your options? It's clear that you will be back into the affair physically soon, mentally you've never left it which I've always thought was the base of your unwillingness to confess.

 

Very good idea! Thank you!

 

I previously wrote the timeline, so I have that complete now.

 

I do think it will end my marriage and god knows I don't want that, but I'm at the point I don't know how else to get rid of the OM.

[Life lessons]

You have been given some good ways to confess, but none will allow you to control the outcome, which seems like what you're interested in.

 

Just a question, if this is so difficult, why not just end the marriage without confession? You won't have to really face consequences, quit your job or force yourself to stop talking to your boyfriend. Your husband get an opportunity to find a woman who will appreciate and respect him​. Win win.

 

I could just end the marriage but my h would obviously know the reasons.

 

As far as OM, I truly don't want a life with him. I know that's difficult for all to believe because of my actions but I don't want OM. I want to stay married to my h.

 

Yes I do think it'll be over and he will end the m, but there's a very small chance he will not.

[aliveagain]

I honestly don't know that I am and that's what worries me.

 

Although, I do think when I confess and realize the pain I've caused, that will change.....

 

I have no issues with the questions my h asks. I will answer then honestly.

 

As I've stated here, I always made OM use protection and we didn't do the wild and crazy sex or anything my h hasn't done. So I don't foresee any questions being an issue! I will answer them honestly.

 

Have a written timeline prepared, seal it in an envelope and have it with you ready to give to him if he asks. Think about the offer of a postnuptial if things go off the rails. The other man is not accepting that it is over and that's trouble for you. There is no repairing this marriage without forgiveness from the one you hurt. Make sure you are in independent counselling when you expose your affair, your husband will see that you have taken steps to fix what is broken in you, ask your counsellor for help doing the exposure. You will be showing your husband that you chose him and the marriage over the other man and at the same time you are seeking help to find out why you did what you did so it never happens again.

 

Yes he will be angry but what did you expect would happen when you chose to start the affair? The positive in all of this is your taking action, your husband will see this. Let him help you get rid of the other man, this will allow him to save some of his dignity. Do not lie or trickle truth just give it to him strait. Take full responsibility for the affair and apologize to him for the hurt you have caused him. Ask him if he wants you to apologize to his family. Let him lead.

[Life lessons]

I haven't read all the responses, but I don't think it's fair for anyone to expect you to know the full depth of remorse until you have confessed. I think you will then.

 

I also think ( and please accept my apology if I am wrong) that you are a really sensitive person, and you are frightened, not of the honesty, but of how it could all play out.

 

I can understand that, but in the end, being honest will allow you to really see the full effect of your choices, and , if I am right about you, you are an empathetic person and seeing that will help the two of you to work through all of it. If you two can stick it out through the initial d-day, you may very well be able to build a better marriage that's honest right of the bat.

 

You are braver than you realize. See if a trusted friend or relative can watch the kids for a night, then tale a deep breath, find your centre, and let the truth come out.

 

I do agree that it's impossible to foresee the depth of the remorse, at this time and once I confess, I'm certain I'll feel remorse.

 

Im definitely frightened, not knowing what the outcome is going to be. Sensitive? Not so much! But no need to apologize!

 

I really hope that h gives me another chance to prove myself.

 

He already has most of my passwords and full access to my phone. He also has tracking...but I will definitely let him know how I've been communicating, if he wishes to know that. Which I'm certain he will!

 

I hope that we can get through this! My gut is telling me that's not possible. I hope I'm wrong!