Confession.....? Remorse?

[aliveagain]

I do agree that it's impossible to foresee the depth of the remorse, at this time and once I confess, I'm certain I'll feel remorse.

 

Im definitely frightened, not knowing what the outcome is going to be. Sensitive? Not so much! But no need to apologize!

 

I really hope that h gives me another chance to prove myself.

 

He already has most of my passwords and full access to my phone. He also has tracking...but I will definitely let him know how I've been communicating, if he wishes to know that. Which I'm certain he will!

 

I hope that we can get through this! My gut is telling me that's not possible. I hope I'm wrong!

 

Do not delete anything you have saved, let him tell you to delete it when he is ready. Honesty is critical moving forward. The weight that will be lifted from shoulders is lifesaving.

[Life lessons]

Have a written timeline prepared, seal it in an envelope and have it with you ready to give to him if he asks. Think about the offer of a postnuptial if things go off the rails. The other man is not accepting that it is over and that's trouble for you. There is no repairing this marriage without forgiveness from the one you hurt. Make sure you are in independent counselling when you expose your affair, your husband will see that you have taken steps to fix what is broken in you, ask your counsellor for help doing the exposure. You will be showing your husband that you chose him and the marriage over the other man and at the same time you are seeking help to find out why you did what you did so it never happens again.

 

Yes he will be angry but what did you expect would happen when you chose to start the affair? The positive in all of this is your taking action, your husband will see this. Let him help you get rid of the other man, this will allow him to save some of his dignity. Do not lie or trickle truth just give it to him strait. Take full responsibility for the affair and apologize to him for the hurt you have caused him. Ask him if he wants you to apologize to his family. Let him lead.

 

Great advice! Thank you!

 

I have the timeline prepared.

 

I haven't thought about the postnuptial, but that is a great idea!

 

I do hope the OM realizes there's no going back, for me, once I tell my H. I'm hoping he will then walk away quietly. He really does have a lot to lose as well!

 

I'm also worried my h will go after the OM...I don't know what to do in this case. I feel like my h will want to confront OM and also find out why from him. Of course, I don't want this to happen! Not because I have anything to hide...

[DKT3]

I could just end the marriage but my h would obviously know the reasons.

 

As far as OM, I truly don't want a life with him. I know that's difficult for all to believe because of my actions but I don't want OM. I want to stay married to my h.

 

Yes I do think it'll be over and he will end the m, but there's a very small chance he will not.

 

No way you can know....Again a unilateral decision. We have had tons of people here who said what they thought would happen.

 

My wife thought I wouldn't end our marriage, but I did. We've had other who thought thier spouse would end it but they didn't, most recently hecantbreakme.

 

I'm confused, you have said time and time again, there is no proof or evidence, so if you ended the marriage how would your husband know why? Only conclusions I can draw is you would start openly dating the other guy.

[Life lessons]

Do not delete anything you have saved, let him tell you to delete it when he is ready. Honesty is critical moving forward. The weight that will be lifted from shoulders is lifesaving.

 

So I should hold onto OM's photos??? No conversations are saved!

[Life lessons]

No way you can know....Again a unilateral decision. We have had tons of people here who said what they thought would happen.

 

My wife thought I wouldn't end our marriage, but I did. We've had other who thought thier spouse would end it but they didn't, most recently hecantbreakme.

 

I'm confused, you have said time and time again, there is no proof or evidence, so if you ended the marriage how would your husband know why? Only conclusions I can draw is you would start openly dating the other guy.

 

My husband knows me well enough to know that if I walked away from the marriage, then there's a problem.....and he would automatically assume another man.

 

No! I wouldn't have a relationship with OM...I've never wanted him long term!

[aliveagain]

So I should hold onto OM's photos??? No conversations are saved!

 

Anything you delete will be seen as you defending the other man. Defend your husband, do not delete anything until you ask him what he wants you to do with the photographs.

[Life lessons]

Anything you delete will be seen as you defending the other man. Defend your husband, do not delete anything until you ask him what he wants you to do with the photographs.

 

So, if h doesn't ask about them, should I proffer them?

 

I can't see how those photos will help....at all!!

 

They're graphic!! I don't think my h needs to see them!

[DKT3]

So, if h doesn't ask about them, should I proffer them?

 

I can't see how those photos will help....at all!!

 

They're graphic!! I don't think my h needs to see them!

 

Obviously your husband doesn't know you that well. Showing him everything in it's gory details will give him more insight as to who you actually are...that's who you need him to accept. Not some watered down version you have sold him over the years.

[DKT3]

You really need to give up trying to control the outcome. If you're convinced​this is it then why so much effort in controlling the outcome?

[Life lessons]

Obviously your husband doesn't know you that well. Showing him everything in it's gory details will give him more insight as to who you actually are...that's who you need him to accept. Not some watered down version you have sold him over the years.

 

Maybe graphic was the incorrect word.....they're nudes...so I can't see how anyone can benefit from those photos. OM's photos...I'm not in them with him!

 

OM does have his face in some of these!

[Life lessons]

You really need to give up trying to control the outcome. If you're convinced​this is it then why so much effort in controlling the outcome?

 

I'm not necessarily trying to control the outcome....only make the outcome not as harsh! I assumed some ways would be better than others!

[aliveagain]

Obviously your husband doesn't know you that well. Showing him everything in it's gory details will give him more insight as to who you actually are...that's who you need him to accept. Not some watered down version you have sold him over the years.

 

His mind is probably going to be more gory then the photographs, let him be the one to decide. Do not delete anything until he tells you to. You didn't give him a choice when you chose infidelity, this is all about him now. He knows what your choices were.

[Davey L]

Having been on the receiving end of a confession, my advice is just to come straight out with it, without beating around the bush. When you have some time, one on one, just ask him to sit down as you have something to tell him. Then just tell him that you are terribly sorry but you had an affair.

 

Advice that is often given here is not to try to put any blame on him, and to answer his questions truthfully.

 

remember that there are many people who have said that they would never stay after an affair, but did anyway, so the chances of your marriage surviving may be higher than you think. It also seems from many of the accounts posted on this site that it is your behaviours from now on that will make the difference.

 

I wish you the best. You are doing the right thing.

[kgcolonel]

Do not delete anything you have saved, let him tell you to delete it when he is ready. Honesty is critical moving forward. The weight that will be lifted from shoulders is lifesaving.

 

In full agreement here. What he sees as being "deleted' will be much worse than it actually is, from what you say. Tell him why you have not deleted anything and this may give you some credibility if anything will.

 

Also, tell him that you have drafted a NC letter for delivery.

[TamsinB]

Gosh I hate all these abrieviations, I'm new and I just can't follow...

 

Can anyone explain them to me?

[Life lessons]

I'm also worried my h will go after the OM...I don't know what to do in this case. I feel like my h will want to confront OM and also find out why from him. Of course, I don't want this to happen! Not because I have anything to hide...

 

LL

 

I asked you a question on another thread regarding your boss trying to kiss you, you did not reply but eventually my question was going to be did you lose respect for your husband when he did not approach the guy.

 

Been reading your posts on other threads and got the impression you were thinking of coming clean. I thought you had closed off all ways of him communicating with you, if you left a door open then you have to be honest with yourself that you wanted the affair to continue.

 

To have no control over your feelings for the OM must tell you that you have no real love for your husband.

 

Also intrigued what a single man has to lose about the affair that you have said would hurt him for years if it came out.

 

This isn't a beat up post and am sorry you are in this predicament.

 

It was at a previous job and h and I weren't married yet. My h, then b/f, did in fact want to confront my boss badly....he was actually out the door upon hearing this, but I talked him out of it! I told him no because I needed a job at that time...we had just started dating...maybe together a couple of months when the mentioned incident occurred. So to answer your question, no, I didn't lose any respect. I actually gained respect because he done what I thought was best, at that time.

 

I closed off all avenues, with the exception of one, and I did in fact delete him on this.... but he didn't delete me, so therefore I had no means of contacting him....without him contacting me first. Unfortunately, he didn't delete me, so therefore he could keep in touch. And that's how he messaged me! I still have that same issue unless I delete the app and I use it for communicating with many individuals, so I'm not certain how to get around that!

 

I understand where you're coming from but I know how I feel about my h and I love him dearly! I don't ever want to lose what we have! That's why I was against confessing!

 

I don't want to go into many details but I'll tell one out of two reasons why the OM will be affected. One would be his job! The other I'm not comfortable going into detail on.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi TamsinB. Here you go http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/228723-loveshack-terminology-guide-acronyms-forum-shorthand

[DKT3]

It was at a previous job and h and I weren't married yet. My h, then b/f, did in fact want to confront my boss badly....he was actually out the door upon hearing this, but I talked him out of it! I told him no because I needed a job at that time...we had just started dating...maybe together a couple of months when the mentioned incident occurred. So to answer your question, no, I didn't lose any respect. I actually gained respect because he done what I thought was best, at that time.

 

I closed off all avenues, with the exception of one, and I did in fact delete him on this.... but he didn't delete me, so therefore I had no means of contacting him....without him contacting me first. Unfortunately, he didn't delete me, so therefore he could keep in touch. And that's how he messaged me! I still have that same issue unless I delete the app and I use it for communicating with many individuals, so I'm not certain how to get around that!

 

I understand where you're coming from but I know how I feel about my h and I love him dearly! I don't ever want to lose what we have! That's why I was against confessing!

 

I don't want to go into many details but I'll tell one out of two reasons why the OM will be affected. One would be his job! The other I'm not comfortable going into detail on.

 

Why so much concern as to consequences for OM? He wasn't lied too or betrayed, he went in eyes open knowing you were married. His consequences are his to deal with. If you had the love you claim for your husband he would be what you're concerned about, not if this guy loses his job....

 

Why shouldn't both lose your job? If I've understood correctly, the sex happened at work...or am from wrong?

Edited May 1, 2017 by DKT3
To add

[Jersey born raised]

I believe it was on your thread early on I advised you could by pass your company and go directly to his. No professional sales organization will allow a sales person to poison an established client.

 

If you can say: you cannot begin the understand my sense of horror what has occurred. We committed adultery. Yes we even though you are single. You are the OM! If I lose my marriage and became single why on earth would I take up with an adulterer? Actually why would anyone want more then a hit it and quit it with either of us. Yes you are included just as much as I am and as much as I despise myself that is how much I despise you. Then tell him if he conners you.

[Whoknew30]

There's no way to prepare for confessing...you just do it. You can "prepare" all you want but there really is no preparation. Once you say the words "I've been having an A" your next move is to be quite & follow the BS lead.

 

No one can ever know a person's initial response to anything, especially something like this.

 

All you can do is sit him down & rip it off like a bandaid. You say it & then follow his lead, no more, no less. Good luck

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank you for your honest reply.

 

Delete the app, don't confess and try to live with the guilt.Think what your alternatives are.

 

Really. Bad. Advice.

 

I'd like to understand how anyone says "I'm going to have this new and improved relationship built on open communication and honesty going forward with my spouse"...

 

..."right after I add to this giant pile of lies, deception and manipulation".

 

Life lessons, you should be all-in on your marriage or out the door...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you for your honest reply.

 

Delete the app, don't confess and try to live with the guilt.Think what your alternatives are.

 

And would you give this advice if your spouse was the one cheating?

 

I sure wouldn't.. I would want to know what my spouse was capable of.

 

But hey.. no one is in control here but the op and I guess it depends on her moral character as to what she decides to do.

 

She has been involved in this affair a long time... she has had plenty of time to process what she should or should not do and the risks involved.

 

Sometimes there are prices to pay for cheating and while it may not seem fair it sure as hell was not fair for the betrayed spouse who had no clue what his wife has been doing all this time while pretending everything at home was hunky dory fine.

 

She made the choice to cheat... he did not make the choice to have his wife cheat. If he divorces her then it is exactly what she deserves. If he decides to reconcile then she is a very lucky woman and she needs to be extremely grateful to her husband.

 

I am sorry this all happened and while my heart breaks for this wayward ... when I think about what this husband is about to experience it is unbelievable.

 

And if he were to ever find out the behavior of his wife from other sources.. it could be suicidal... it might be anyway... I will never forget how my husband became a zombie a suicidal zombie.

 

His pain like many others here.. was unfathomnable

 

How we as waywards could do this to the one we profess to love is unbelievable

[Imajerk17]

Well, I figured OM was back in some capacity when you posted last night about how your new phone had LITTLE (as opposed to NONE) sexting.

 

Have you ever broken bad news before? Send a text to your husband in the afternoon that you need to him about something that evening. That way he will be bracing for news, as opposed to having it sprung upon him out of nowhere. Send it to him in the afternoon, so while he will have read it, he won't be spending the entire day wondering what is up.

 

I salute you for finally deciding to do the right thing. It is past time to make things right, especially if you are this vulnerable to OM.

[goodyblue]

That's why it's a plan. If my husband told me he was having an affair with someone he worked with I would expect him to have a plan to find a new job because we wouldn't reconcile without NC.

 

My h can work anywhere. More s t people are not so lucky. Most can't change jobs. It is unrealistic.

[Life lessons]

Why so much concern as to consequences for OM? He wasn't lied too or betrayed, he went in eyes open knowing you were married. His consequences are his to deal with. If you had the love you claim for your husband he would be what you're concerned about, not if this guy loses his job....

 

Why shouldn't both lose your job? If I've understood correctly, the sex happened at work...or am from wrong?

 

It's not so much the concern but the embarrassment it will bring! OM knew my situation! He knew I was married and that didn't stop him from chasing me for months...so yes, in all honesty, he deserves whatever happens.

 

I'm not concerned about OM losing his job! I referenced his job due to a question that was posed to me. Of course I'm not at all concerned with OM losing his job! I kind of wish that would happen because then I wouldn't have to transfer to another location!