Confession.....? Remorse?

[Marc878]

Read up this is what your H will be facing

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[Life lessons]

Can someone post a link to the NC letter?

 

If I recall correctly, I saw one somewhere, on LS, a while back!?

 

Should I wait until confession to send the NC letter to OM?

 

Also, should one timeline have ALL the specifics, such as; location, what prompted sex, etc.? Basicly every minute detail? And should this particular timeline include days that consisted of kissing only and what led to that? Or should I only include the sexual acts? I want to try to do the things the best way.....

[aileD]

My h can work anywhere. More s t people are not so lucky. Most can't change jobs. It is unrealistic.

 

It can be difficult, money might be tight, might have to start low and work yourself up again. Sure it's inconvenient. But it's definitely not unrealistic and can be and is done all the time. What's her level of commitment to her husband? She needs to be prepared to let him know what that committment level is.

[alsudduth]

Read "How to help your spouse heal from an Affair" there is a link to a free pdf version running around here somewhere that I found to be quite helpful when my husband first found out I was involved with someone else.

[aileD]

Here's a few

 

Sample No Contact Letters - Affaircare

 

IMO I would have everything written down for you. Every detail. Places, times, etc.

 

But ask your husband first how much detail he wants to know and go st his comfort level.

[AlwaysGrowing]

The advice about having a condensed version and a more detailed timeline sounds quite excellent.

 

If you take the mindset of yourself , the woman who lied and cheated (didnt have her husbands back as a wife or friend) and replaced it with being his wife and friend..... you might find that you might be able to hold yourself accountable to being fully honest. Not to mention, that you might be able to have much more empathy when his pain (usually under the mask of anger) comes out.

 

Kudos to you for doing what is right regardless if it is easy.

[AlwaysGrowing]

My h can work anywhere. More s t people are not so lucky. Most can't change jobs. It is unrealistic.

 

It is not unrealistic to have this on the table. It needs to be addressed, because the OP put her work place up for ante.

 

It is hard to reconcile for a BS that the WS was concerned about workplace consequences when they conducted the affair at the workplace.

 

Consequences are just that....consequences. It doesnt mean punishment. If one has an affair at their place of work, one consequence could be loss of employment there or loss of employment in that industry. Kinda like when you touch a hot stove... you get burned.... being "fair" doesnt factor in. Its just the consequence.

[Unforseen]

So, if h doesn't ask about them, should I proffer them?

 

I can't see how those photos will help....at all!!

 

They're graphic!! I don't think my h needs to see them!

 

Well that's just the point really. It does not matter if you think they will help or not. They need to be available to him if requested. Like others have said, if they are brought up and then you have to admit that deleted them then the next question is "what else are you hiding from me?"

 

My WW deleted texts and images and contacts just after D-day while I was still in shock and had no idea what I wanted or needed. The lack of evidence and proof has caused me no end of trouble. Especially since my WW did the TT thing over the past 18 months. Yeah we are getting to the bottom of thing slowly, but I feel like it has really made any sort of trust rebuilding that much more difficult.

[mercy]

 

How does one confess?

 

So much respect for you right now! Just had to get that out of the way.

 

Mindfulness is the first thing that comes to mind. It will almost feel like an out of body experience. How to start? I would open with something along the lines of this is going to hurt you but I want you to know I love you and I want your forgiveness, I'm so sorry. Then, I've been unfaithful.

 

It's interesting that you are too weak to tell OM no but you are brave enough to confess to the affair. THAT is powerful! But don't say that to your h.

 

Be prepared to answer why. I'm wondering why, may I ask? Why did you have an affair?

[road]

If you were remorseful, the very idea of seeing your AP again would make you sick to your stomach. Instead your getting all giddy and worked up.

 

 

Are you not aware how addictive feelings the WS has for their AP?

 

This is why affairs are hard to end. Why there are relapses and the

affair restarts, specially when NC is broken.

 

Her OM knows this. This is why he breaks NC. This OM is priming the

pump to get laid again.

 

In short affairs are highly addictive.

 

OP you must leave this job, block OM, change your email and numbers,

shut down all electronic social media. That is if you do not want to

re-start your affair.

[road]

I'm not sure that's true. I do see spouses on here (typically men) who don't want the "details" but, really, can you truly heal without that? IDK, maybe some people are very different than me, but, without the details, my mind fills them in. And the "fill in" is, in almost every case I've read here and other places, FAR worse than the reality. And in my case, the reality was pretty bad (sex in our home while I was away on work, for example). But what I would have imagined was dramatically worse.

 

Do I have mind movies about it? Oh yeah, you bet. But those movies at least are "real" (or as real as I can make them), not imagined horrors that didn't actually happen. I suspect if your husband hadn't asked or you hadn't given him "too many" details, his mind would have done what mine does.

 

I think this is more for men than women, men focus more on the physical aspects and imagining your W doing things with OM she doesn't/won't do with you are just soul destroying. If there was some of that, you have to fix it (which is to do it with your H), and, if there wasn't; then by letting him know, his mind will be eased a bit.

 

Either way, I couldn't "not know", once I knew about the A, it was time to find out how "bad" it was. In quotes, because the only outcomes are "awful" to "soul destroying". There's no just "bad" when it comes to an A.

 

Because you need every little detail and other BH's have no limit to how

much they want to know about their WW's affair is ok.

 

Ok because that level of information is needed by a BH.

 

However not all BH's need that level of detail. Once heard a fact can not

be unheard. This is why the BH controls how much information that he

will need. So all BH's take heed.

[harrybrown]

I do hope you start to protect your H and stop protecting your OM.

 

Put your H first. and do what he needs to have help with the pain.

 

You still sound like you are protecting the OM and yourself.

 

Help your H expose the OM. Help your H and put him first for once.

 

Think about his pain and his needs for healing. the OM should run for the hills with your help on exposing the OM.

 

If your H had an A, you would want him to help you and put you ahead of the OW.

[Cephalopod]

Remorse may come when you see your husband destroyed.

 

Or it won't. Then you will know whether you should just walk away and give him. the freedom to find someone who really loves him and cares about his well being.

[oldlion]

I am sorry you have painted yourself into a corner. May I ask why you don't just tell the OP that you no longer want to have any contact with him and if he persist in pursuing you that you have made preparations to confess the affair to your husband. Tell him, at that point, your husband will probably want to have a man to man talk with him, his boss, his company and probably his family. If this doesn't get his attention then nothing will. I remember years ago, about the third year my wife and I were married, one of my friends made a very aggressive, hands on pass at my wife. I was away at the time but she drove over 100 miles to tell me what happened. I was a career soldier and was in a unit where danger and violence was always just around the corner. My reaction was to get in his face and threaten him. I told him next time he even spoke to my wife to bring a body bag with him because he would need it. I never spoke to him again. I don't know what your husband would do if he is ever told about you and the OP. But most OPs don't want to stick around to find out when they are faced with an irate husband with blood in his eye. If you even have a 1% chance of saving your marriage the first thing you have to do is get completely rid of the OP. Otherwise, just cut your losses and divorce. Your husband deserves better. I do wish you well.

[QuietDan]

I know I've been very adamant in regards to not confessing to my h about the A that I had but now I'm having doubts

 

Also, I know I've read here, often, that the WS must show lots of remorse....what if h doesn't feel like I'm remorseful enough?

 

Life lessons... regarding being remorseful, I think you will find it when the time is right for you... it is something I don't think you can really fake or force without it appearing faked or forced...

 

Your husband probable knows you well enough to understand your nature in these areas.

 

I think it will say more to him that you are basically opening up and are being transparent and willing to surrender the outcome and control to him.

[deadsoul]

I support you LL. It is not an easy journey.

 

Be prepared to lose everything and have everything destroyed. But then you guys can rebuild something even stronger. And it's a long, challenging process.

 

P.S. @Jenkins95, if you're reading, can you clear your inbox? I tried to message you a question.

[QuietDan]

Well, I figured OM was back in some capacity when you posted last night about how your new phone had LITTLE (as opposed to NONE) sexting.

 

Have you ever broken bad news before? Send a text to your husband in the afternoon that you need to him about something that evening. That way he will be bracing for news, as opposed to having it sprung upon him out of nowhere. Send it to him in the afternoon, so while he will have read it, he won't be spending the entire day wondering what is up.

 

I salute you for finally deciding to do the right thing. It is past time to make things right, especially if you are this vulnerable to OM.

 

I suspect, he probable also suspects... may even know more than you realize... he will probable be expecting to hear some of what you will be confessing. It will probable actually be a bit of a relief to him if he has been suspicious.

[QuietDan]

So, if h doesn't ask about them, should I proffer them?

 

I can't see how those photos will help....at all!!

 

They're graphic!! I don't think my h needs to see them!

 

Are you concerned that your husband will be trouble by what he will see. Reluctant to face or confront the comparison issues. No way to really avoid it. It will illuminate about how fit the other man is... or .... the whole size issue will no longer be a question. If your husband wants to see them... will it help him to work through or resolve any issues... it depends on what your husband may want or need to know. Or need to confirm to work through his perceptions and suspicions.

[Unforseen]

I suspect, he probable also suspects... may even know more than you realize... he will probable be expecting to hear some of what you will be confessing. It will probable actually be a bit of a relief to him if he has been suspicious.

 

There came a point in time where there were so many red flags that they were the only thing I could see. That's when I finally took the initiative to investigate and break into my WWs iPad. Figuring out that I was correct in my suspisions was a very small relief compared to the complete and utter shock of finding out that way. Between the uncontrollable shaking, words and images that will forever be seared into my brain, and the slow depression of realizing the woman I trusted with everything had betrayed me, there was little celebration that I was right.

 

I wonder sometimes how much pain and anger and hate filled word could have been avoided if my WW had come to me with a heart overflowing with sorrow for the horrible way that she had treated my trust and our marriage.

[MickeyBill]

I just read your post from yesterday

OM has started contacting me again and I feel like I'm not strong enough! Actually, I hate to even say it, but I'm not strong enough!

 

And I cringed because I went back to the beginning of your posts, the second sentence from your first post. "The only reason this A happened is because the SM would not stop chasing me and I caved in. I guess I liked the way it made me feel." There, that's two reasons. One is the OM's fault and the other is yours.

 

Not much has changed, In reading your early posts, I fear that if OM pushes your buttons a couple more times you will go meet with him. And I can't shake seeing the half hearted resistance you put up. OM contacted you, you replied. You don't delete some app because you talk to others with it. Hint: use a new app and tell all but OM about it. The job situation...You "think" you can avoid him, well that works until it doesn't.

 

Confessing will not get rid of the OM. Confessing to your H will not end the feelings that you have for the OM but might end up freeing you from the angst and allow you to be with neither man, the OM or maybe your H, if he wants to fix things.

 

I hope that you can end this somehow and find peace...

Edited May 2, 2017 by MickeyBill

[road]

OP, tell the OM's wife. You will then see how fast the OM will leave

you alone.

[Simoo]

Hii, I think u know better than any of us how your husband is going to react, wich is why u shouldn't try to minimise what you did to him, nor tell him u confessed just cuz u weren't strong enough to resist OM, also o don't think u have a say in it anymore, once u tell him it's his decision whether to end m or not unless u make some efforts to try to reconcile afterwards like some of the posters did, the point don't try to control him now, cuz he will already feel like he lost control over it all, and about the pics I would hold on to those unless he asks for them, and i agree with sole of the posters don't tell confess something that he didn't ask about specifically himself it'll just hurt him.

[Superchicken]

OK, I gave up reading posts after the first 3 pages.

It seems you (Life lessons) don't seem to take any good suggestions to heart.

You "Like" anyone suggesting to cover up your dirt.

You are the worst type of cheater.

In it for themselves, and then think of themselves AGAIN after the poop hits the fan. But me, but I, me, me..

I see no point in anyone giving you any more suggestions.

Their all telling you to fess up, but you make excuses to not do it.

You didn't have excuses NOT have an affair, you just smoothly jumped into it. Did you say to yourself "Hmmm, let me think about it.. Hmm, I see NO consequences, I'll cheat".

 

 

Listen,when my Lexus has engine problems, I don't hide the fact it has a problem, and I certainly don't say "It's going to cost me too much" As that will just causing further damage each day I drive it.

 

 

So, I get the damn thing repaired, and I PAY FOR IT !.

 

 

For Pete's sake, just PAY for what you did. You will only pay for it once.

 

 

Sooner or later he will find out.

Yes, we guys, and girls, are slow at times. But that's because we have trust in our relationships.

But, man, once there's a little blood in the water, its like Sharks feeding frenzy.

We wont stop till we hit pay DIRT !.

It will be too late then.

 

 

Tell him, and now, not later.

And Don't delete Anything. We aren't that stupid, like.. "We only just kissed"..

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Right !.

Your 100% bad and nasty at the moment. Fess up, and gain a little respect.

If not from your H, then for YOUSELF, and others

 

 

Superchicken Ted.

[HereNorThere]

Showing him the pictures seems like cruel and unusual punishment. Trust me, they'll haunt him the rest of his life. You've mentioned before that you couldn't sext your husband but we all know that's not true. See, it's not the sexting part that's your kink. Spouses that do this thing behind their BS back get off on the humiliation aspect of it. And now that you've throughly humiliated him, you want to take a little credit for your work. It's not as much fun of you don't get it to rub it in his face. It's not something I understand personally, but I do understand the personality type that thinks this way. As the narcissistic supply runs out from OM, you'll squeeze that last little bit out of your husband. Why do I sense that his tears taste like ice cream to you?

 

The good news is that I don't think this will be that hard on you. You are oddly disconnected from reality and other people's feelings. It's so weird seeing this dichotomy. On the surface you seen like a nice, cordial person but then you I read what you're writing and it's like you don't have an ounce of empathy in your body. It's very rare to see someone with this level of disregard for the rights of others. Like one of those nurses that kills her patients for fun when she's bored or something. Honestly, you really don't have to keep the charade with us. We're just a bunch of Internet strangers so there's really no reason to keep pretending to be nice. Most us realize you weren't here looking for advice to end an affair. You were here doing recon and running simulations to figure out how to be a better adulterer. We're not blind, ya know? We see that nearly every question you ask has an ulterior motive. The other day it was asking now not to get caught and now we've moved straight into helping you get a clean divorce. Hey, it is what it is and the Internet is a great place to crowdsource! Oh, we're also not naive enough to think you won't run straight to OM. We've seen this movie before and the end is my favorite part!

 

Either way, it's best for everyone. It's not good for your husband to spend the rest of his life with someone incapable of caring about him and you truly need to separate yourself from other people until you get some serious help. Maybe after a few years of intensive therapy you can put yourself back out there and casually date married guys or other people with similar intimacy issues. Until then, figure out what's wrong with you before you hurt more people. Pretend you actually care and get your kids some therapy. Provide your husband with an amicable divorce. And try to only date other broken people until you get yourself fixed. It's not fair to the rest of us if you think about it. Not that you care but the rest of us end up having to clean up your messes. The people you destroy end up back in society, the dating pool, and eventually our health care and legal system.

 

On second thought, just show him the pictures and scorch the earth. In some weird, twisted way, it's probably more beneficial for him to live with the PTSD and not end up trying to work things out with someone incapable of meeting his needs. Godspeed and good luck!

Edited May 2, 2017 by HereNorThere

[Mr. Lucky]

If I knew it had happened there would be no R, I know I could not deal or accept it. If I was unaware and never found out then surely I would live in ignorant bliss. LL managed to have the affair and finish it (maybe) without the husband knowing, so if she can live with the guilt and truly wants to stay with husband then keep it a secret.

 

Well then hey, maybe Life lessons should just continue the affair? According to your reasoning, as long as she can keep it secret her partner lives in "ignorant bliss". I guess the key to successful marriage is, if you're going to cheat, be really good at it . Perhaps practice makes perfect.

 

What you say makes perfect sense as long as your eyes were closed and fingers crossed while reciting your marital vows...

 

Mr. Lucky