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Confession.....? Remorse?


Life lessons

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Life lessons
Showing him the pictures seems like cruel and unusual punishment. Trust me, they'll haunt him the rest of his life. You've mentioned before that you couldn't sext your husband but we all know that's not true. See, it's not the sexting part that's your kink. Spouses that do this thing behind their BS back get off on the humiliation aspect of it. And now that you've throughly humiliated him, you want to take a little credit for your work. It's not as much fun of you don't get it to rub it in his face. It's not something I understand personally, but I do understand the personality type that thinks this way. As the narcissistic supply runs out from OM, you'll squeeze that last little bit out of your husband. Why do I sense that his tears taste like ice cream to you?

 

The good news is that I don't think this will be that hard on you. You are oddly disconnected from reality and other people's feelings. It's so weird seeing this dichotomy. On the surface you seen like a nice, cordial person but then you I read what you're writing and it's like you don't have an ounce of empathy in your body. It's very rare to see someone with this level of disregard for the rights of others. Like one of those nurses that kills her patients for fun when she's bored or something. Honestly, you really don't have to keep the charade with us. We're just a bunch of Internet strangers so there's really no reason to keep pretending to be nice. Most us realize you weren't here looking for advice to end an affair. You were here doing recon and running simulations to figure out how to be a better adulterer. We're not blind, ya know? We see that nearly every question you ask has an ulterior motive. The other day it was asking now not to get caught and now we've moved straight into helping you get a clean divorce. Hey, it is what it is and the Internet is a great place to crowdsource! Oh, we're also not naive enough to think you won't run straight to OM. We've seen this movie before and the end is my favorite part!

 

Either way, it's best for everyone. It's not good for your husband to spend the rest of his life with someone incapable of caring about him and you truly need to separate yourself from other people until you get some serious help. Maybe after a few years of intensive therapy you can put yourself back out there and casually date married guys or other people with similar intimacy issues. Until then, figure out what's wrong with you before you hurt more people. Pretend you actually care and get your kids some therapy. Provide your husband with an amicable divorce. And try to only date other broken people until you get yourself fixed. It's not fair to the rest of us if you think about it. Not that you care but the rest of us end up having to clean up your messes. The people you destroy end up back in society, the dating pool, and eventually our health care and legal system.

 

On second thought, just show him the pictures and scorch the earth. In some weird, twisted way, it's probably more beneficial for him to live with the PTSD and not end up trying to work things out with someone incapable of meeting his needs. Godspeed and good luck!

 

A lot of what you've stated above, couldn't be further from the truth!

 

It seems you have twisted a lot of what I've previously stated!

 

There was/is no humiliation aspect that I'm being rewarded with! Of course I can sext my h, but as I've mentioned previously, I don't feel comfortable with that, for some reason. Not quite certain why but it's the way I feel!

 

I disagree with your assumption that this isn't going to be difficult on me....of course it's going to be difficult!! I've mentioned numerous times how I don't want to hurt my h or see him hurting. That was one of the primary reasons I didn't want to confess to him. I know I can live with it...just not certain that the pain won't send him over the ledge!

 

There's no charade I'm trying to keep for anyone here. Again, your assumptions are completely asinine! You say I came here to be a better adulterer?? Seriously!? Absolutely not! I've been very honest in this thread and the other,in what Ive written. I absolutely wanted to end the affair! I have ended the affair!

 

When did I ask "how not to get caught?????" I have never asked that question nor implied that!! Maybe you're getting me mixed up with someone else!?

 

You do indeed take things to the extreme. An extreme that shouldn't be!!

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Life lessons
'LL I have my views on your actions but have not felt it was right to comment and have commented other options for you as opposed to other posters.

 

But sorry

 

Why the he'll have you still got graphic pics of OM!!!!

 

I've deleted most of the photos but have a few that are in the email address that I've not gotten around to deleting yet.

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Life lessons

Instead of quoting each post, I'm going to answer some of the questions below.

 

In regards to OM, he is not married, therefore there's no wife to tell of the A.

 

In regards to a statement that I read, about me "liking" another posters post/comment.....that stated not to confess....the reason I "liked" the comment was only to let the poster know that I read their post. Nothing more! I have "liked" several posts for this reason. Just acknowledgement is all! And letting the poster know that I appreciate their feedback/opinion!

 

In regards to the photos that I have. I'm still undecided! I will keep them just in case but I still haven't made the decision whether I should show them to H. Or not.

 

I'm not protecting OM at all, as several posters have assumed! I have no reason to protect him. As it's been said, he went into this knowingingly.

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Something to ponder on a couple things you've raised.

 

1) a void of true intimacy in your marriage is why you're uncomfortable sexting. I don't know if you fear being judged by your husband (for being "nasty"), lack a desire to share the most intimate parts or worst just not really attracted to him. It's extremely common for women to hide sexual parts because they want to project a image that isn't authentic. With OM/MM these same women care a whole helluva lot less about his opinion of them, oddly it can produce a feeling of deep connection, thus comments like no one understands me like OM....forget the fact that you've not allowed anyone else to see YOU.

 

2) It not up to you to decide what you tell him or show him. This is an area that you really have to change your mindset. You have to allow him to dictate the flow of information.

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goodyblue
It is not unrealistic to have this on the table. It needs to be addressed, because the OP put her work place up for ante.

 

It is hard to reconcile for a BS that the WS was concerned about workplace consequences when they conducted the affair at the workplace.

 

Consequences are just that....consequences. It doesnt mean punishment. If one has an affair at their place of work, one consequence could be loss of employment there or loss of employment in that industry. Kinda like when you touch a hot stove... you get burned.... being "fair" doesnt factor in. Its just the consequence.

 

Ha. Like she should risk her career to reconcile. And if it doesn't work out she has no marriage and no way to pay the mortgage? If they divorce, no way to get decent child support because some woman listened to this drivel and made her husband quit his job?

Wow. What a load of garbage. Either a person will be faithful or they won't, you can't keep someone locked in a bubble to protect your marriage.

 

If you can't let your spouse loose in the world, then it is no marriage at all.

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Ha. Like she should risk her career to reconcile. And if it doesn't work out she has no marriage and no way to pay the mortgage? If they divorce, no way to get decent child support because some woman listened to this drivel and made her husband quit his job?

Wow. What a load of garbage. Either a person will be faithful or they won't, you can't keep someone locked in a bubble to protect your marriage.

 

If you can't let your spouse loose in the world, then it is no marriage at all.

 

Glad you've got it all figured out.

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Ha. Like she should risk her career to reconcile. And if it doesn't work out she has no marriage and no way to pay the mortgage? If they divorce, no way to get decent child support because some woman listened to this drivel and made her husband quit his job?

Wow. What a load of garbage. Either a person will be faithful or they won't, you can't keep someone locked in a bubble to protect your marriage.

 

If you can't let your spouse loose in the world, then it is no marriage at all.

 

Well if it was that important then she wouldn't have carried on a physical affair there....she can risk it by having sex on the clock but not to improve the odds her marriage makes it?

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aliveagain

I guess it will all come down to what you value the most, what others think of you, your opinion of yourself or the time and commitment that is necessary to save your marriage. What you do next, one way or another will be a life changing event for your family. Please choose wisely, don't let fear prevent you from making the right choice.

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Superchicken
This.

 

So a guy chases you persistently and you start an affair ? Yeah, you have to pay the price.Be it losing your job and living with less than you can, giving up luxuries, cutting down on a lot and hunting for a new one, alongwith making it up to your husband , regaining his trust, respect etc.

 

Its a bit of hard work,hey !

 

Then I say, You care more about your job and how much you make than "YOUR" Soul mate, Wife, Mother of your children.

 

 

I couldn't give a Rats ass about my job, nor how much I made when it comes to my family.

I see you have a price tag.

Sorry to hear that.

 

 

Ted.

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goodyblue
Then I say, You care more about your job and how much you make than "YOUR" Soul mate, Wife, Mother of your children.

 

 

I couldn't give a Rats ass about my job, nor how much I made when it comes to my family.

I see you have a price tag.

Sorry to hear that.

 

 

Ted.

 

If a person tells their spouse to quit their job, they can't find a new one and they divorce anyway,that's worse thAn staying at their current job. Now they may be stuck together because they can't afford to separate, or the non custodial spouse can't pay support, or they take a huge pay cut and the kids suffer.

 

Just a few scenarios. And it is stupid. I wouldn't risk my ability to care for my children in ANY scenario. Sorry, it's as selfish to ask that as it is to have an affair.

 

FailEd, your snarky comment about me having it all figured out, no one does. But you don't risk your livelihood. Your h has cheated at least twice. Are you going to leave next time? And did he quit his job? What if he couldn't find a new one? No support for your kids. Yay! Sounds like a plan.

 

Don't quit your job.

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No ones suggesting anyone quit a job before they have Secured another one..

 

Be smart about it of course.

 

I guess it's something the WS needs to talk to the BS about and see how much a priority in recovery it will be.

 

For me it'd be a big one.

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wmacbride

for what it's worth, my spouse had to wok with his ex-ow.

 

Of course it was upsetting and I hated the situation, but when you get right down to it, if he really wanted to be finished with her, then it wouldn't matter how closely he worked with her. He needed to be able to ignore her, all on his own.

 

Of course, in an ideal world, the ws should quit if he or she works with the ow. It's too bad that not always possible :(

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Mrs. John Adams
for what it's worth, my spouse had to wok with his ex-ow.

 

Of course it was upsetting and I hated the situation, but when you get right down to it, if he really wanted to be finished with her, then it wouldn't matter how closely he worked with her. He needed to be able to ignore her, all on his own.

 

Of course, in an ideal world, the ws should quit if he or she works with the ow. It's too bad that not always possible :(

 

It is possible to be in the same facility together....and still avoid each other...I did it....

 

However...in hind sight...I caused my husband tremendous pain by doing so. Had I truly had my head on straight..I would have quit school and not put him through the torment I did by continueing to attend the same college as the professor. He allowed me to go....I think hoping I wouldn't. I wasn't remorseful enough or unselfish enough to see what I was doing to him.

 

One of the many mistakes I Have made in my lifetime. So ...yes you can work together....but if you truly think about what it does to your betrayed spouse...and if you really put them first...you wont.

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Superchicken

Goodbyblue, you opinion is as right and wrong as mine and anyone elses.

But, what I hope, is you see, is that even though you may be staying for the money, you will continue to destroy your marriage because your spouse will still be in extreme anxiety, and stress knowing that your AP is in the same place as you.

Trust will go out the window, attitude towards you will get ugly. He will constantly ask you EVRY day questions, of course he wont believe anything you say, because he will believe you started cheating again.

This will in the end, ALSO break up your marriage. Then what do you think your finances will be like ?.

Sorry, the situation here is "Please cut one of your fingers", which do you decide on ?.

Its a lose, lose situation. Just need to find the least burden to you both.

 

 

Again, MrsAdams plainly stated, how much harm it did to her H. (Still like you MrsAdams).

 

 

Bottom line, Its not your decision to make alone. It needs to be done with the Spouse in mind as well. Your NOT single.

 

 

Ted.

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Mrs. John Adams
Goodbyblue, you opinion is as right and wrong as mine and anyone elses.

But, what I hope, is you see, is that even though you may be staying for the money, you will continue to destroy your marriage because your spouse will still be in extreme anxiety, and stress knowing that your AP is in the same place as you.

Trust will go out the window, attitude towards you will get ugly. He will constantly ask you EVRY day questions, of course he wont believe anything you say, because he will believe you started cheating again.

This will in the end, ALSO break up your marriage. Then what do you think your finances will be like ?.

Sorry, the situation here is "Please cut one of your fingers", which do you decide on ?.

Its a lose, lose situation. Just need to find the least burden to you both.

 

 

Again, MrsAdams plainly stated, how much harm it did to her H. (Still like you MrsAdams).

 

 

Bottom line, Its not your decision to make alone. It needs to be done with the Spouse in mind as well. Your NOT single.

 

 

Ted.

 

again i thank you for what you "did not" say....

 

But I want to remind folks....It has taken me years to have the mindset I have now. John tells me this everyday when i grow frustrated with folks who post here... YOu did not have the same opinions early on in our reconciliation that you have now. YOu cannot expect others to have the mindset you have now when it is early on for them.

 

We can tell others over and over again the things they should do or could do...but that advice comes from years and years of "living" through it....

 

and obviously...when i was three months out from DDay...I was not in the mindset I am now. So maybe as we read their stories ...we should also keep in mind where they are mentally and we should continue to tell them truth...but not really expect them to listen...because they are incapable.

 

My biggest frustration is when folks who come here talk about their remorse...or their waywards remorse...

 

How many times have i said...what you see is not remorse...and yet they go right on swearing the remorse is real. They too will see many years from now...that they did not really see remorse....and had you asked me 33 years ago...are you remorseful...I too would have sworn I was.

 

There are just some things that you have to live through and experience before you really know that you were dumber than a box of rocks.

 

Anway...if I knew then...what i know now...I would have quit school...and it is another thing that shows me how far I have come and how stupid i was back then. It was obvious...I was killing him by slow torment...simply because I was still being selfish and looking out for me and not looking out for what it was doing to him. I am truly sorry for my selfish insensitive behavior...

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BluesPower

Anway...if I knew then...what i know now...I would have quit school...and it is another thing that shows me how far I have come and how stupid i was back then. It was obvious...I was killing him by slow torment...simply because I was still being selfish and looking out for me and not looking out for what it was doing to him. I am truly sorry for my selfish insensitive behavior...

 

At one point in my life... what I would not have given for my Ex W to say something like this to me. It may have assuaged some of the anger and hate that I have for her inside. Still have it for the years she stole from me, the years that she wasted of my life, the years of pain.

 

I will hate her until the day I die... And to think that I loved her like no other for so long like a fool.

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Mrs. John Adams
At one point in my life... what I would not have given for my Ex W to say something like this to me. It may have assuaged some of the anger and hate that I have for her inside. Still have it for the years she stole from me, the years that she wasted of my life, the years of pain.

 

I will hate her until the day I die... And to think that I loved her like no other for so long like a fool.

 

 

I am really sorry you have hurt all these years...and your pain has turned to hatred. Thats the worst...

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MuddyFootprints
again i thank you for what you "did not" say....

 

But I want to remind folks....It has taken me years to have the mindset I have now. John tells me this everyday when i grow frustrated with folks who post here... YOu did not have the same opinions early on in our reconciliation that you have now. YOu cannot expect others to have the mindset you have now when it is early on for them.

 

We can tell others over and over again the things they should do or could do...but that advice comes from years and years of "living" through it....

 

and obviously...when i was three months out from DDay...I was not in the mindset I am now. So maybe as we read their stories ...we should also keep in mind where they are mentally and we should continue to tell them truth...but not really expect them to listen...because they are incapable.

 

My biggest frustration is when folks who come here talk about their remorse...or their waywards remorse...

 

How many times have i said...what you see is not remorse...and yet they go right on swearing the remorse is real. They too will see many years from now...that they did not really see remorse....and had you asked me 33 years ago...are you remorseful...I too would have sworn I was.

 

There are just some things that you have to live through and experience before you really know that you were dumber than a box of rocks.

 

Anway...if I knew then...what i know now...I would have quit school...and it is another thing that shows me how far I have come and how stupid i was back then. It was obvious...I was killing him by slow torment...simply because I was still being selfish and looking out for me and not looking out for what it was doing to him. I am truly sorry for my selfish insensitive behavior...

 

Sometimes it is easier to believe how you might have been better off, failing to recognize what you've accomplished.

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Cephalopod
At one point in my life... what I would not have given for my Ex W to say something like this to me. It may have assuaged some of the anger and hate that I have for her inside. Still have it for the years she stole from me, the years that she wasted of my life, the years of pain.

 

I will hate her until the day I die... And to think that I loved her like no other for so long like a fool.

 

Same with me. My thoughts exactly.

 

Like I said in another thread, even if my ex and I had never gotten back together, it would have been some comfort to hear from her that during her affairs, some part of her still gave a crap about me. I never got that.

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Life lessons
Then I say, You care more about your job and how much you make than "YOUR" Soul mate, Wife, Mother of your children.

 

 

I couldn't give a Rats ass about my job, nor how much I made when it comes to my family.

I see you have a price tag.

Sorry to hear that.

 

 

Ted.

 

I agree that my marriage is definitely more important than my job, but I can also see the others point. After all, if my h. Chooses not to reconcile, then I could possibly be left unemployed....if I were to quit my job.

 

But, again, I agree, if h chooses to r, I would definitely put my marriage over my job....that's a no brained.

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understand50
I agree that my marriage is definitely more important than my job, but I can also see the others point. After all, if my h. Chooses not to reconcile, then I could possibly be left unemployed....if I were to quit my job.

 

But, again, I agree, if h chooses to r, I would definitely put my marriage over my job....that's a no brained.

 

Life lessons,

 

Take a leap of faith, quit your job now, then tell you husband everything. Use your leaving your job as part what what you are willing to do to save your marriage. Actions will always speak louder than words. As Mrs Adams, states it took a long time for her to find remorse, let her story speed up your path.

 

Here is a link that has members here discussing remorse.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/609550-guilt-vs-remorse-vs-shame-relates-affairs-2.html

 

Read Mrs Adams take, posts, but also the whole thread. I think my take is also good for your situation. From this you may get an idea, and it will take time, but you can start by acting the part.

 

I wish you luck....

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I agree that my marriage is definitely more important than my job, but I can also see the others point. After all, if my h. Chooses not to reconcile, then I could possibly be left unemployed....if I were to quit my job.

 

But, again, I agree, if h chooses to r, I would definitely put my marriage over my job....that's a no brained.

 

I know some will say it's proactive, but again this will be something you need to discuss with your husband. There is a chance he bolts and doesn't look back, we've seen that story here a lot. Even if he stays you being unemployed could cause even more stress than you working around this guy.

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Mrs. John Adams

LL...I think you should confess first and tell him that you will do whatever he wants you to do...including quitting your job. You allow him to make the decision that he needs to make....and you show him your sincerity in helping him heal by offering to make yourself vulnerable.

 

I told you earlier...I confessed and then i said I will do whatever you want me to do....33 years later...I still beleive that this helped my husband make his decision to reconcile. Confessing is the right thing to do...and so is giving him back the power you took away. Humility is hard...but as waywards it is imperitive. I dont mean we need to allow others to walk all over us...not at all. But we do have to bare our bellies so to speak. We have to show our spouse that we are willing to do what they ask of us...in order to help them heal and if that means divorce...then we are willing to divorce without taking them to the cleaners. If it means reconciliation ...then we are willing to even quit our job...we are willing to go to therapy...we are willing to put their needs above our own.

 

None of us can predict how he will respond..and i know you are scared. None of this is going to be easy...and the first few months...you both will be walking around in shock and fear. Support each other and give yourself time. You can do this.

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Life lessons
LL...I think you should confess first and tell him that you will do whatever he wants you to do...including quitting your job. You allow him to make the decision that he needs to make....and you show him your sincerity in helping him heal by offering to make yourself vulnerable.

 

I told you earlier...I confessed and then i said I will do whatever you want me to do....33 years later...I still beleive that this helped my husband make his decision to reconcile. Confessing is the right thing to do...and so is giving him back the power you took away. Humility is hard...but as waywards it is imperitive. I dont mean we need to allow others to walk all over us...not at all. But we do have to bare our bellies so to speak. We have to show our spouse that we are willing to do what they ask of us...in order to help them heal and if that means divorce...then we are willing to divorce without taking them to the cleaners. If it means reconciliation ...then we are willing to even quit our job...we are willing to go to therapy...we are willing to put their needs above our own.

 

None of us can predict how he will respond..and i know you are scared. None of this is going to be easy...and the first few months...you both will be walking around in shock and fear. Support each other and give yourself time. You can do this.

 

I agree that confession should come before I quit....if I were to quit, but I'm pretty confident that I can move to another location, so that I don't see OM....and I'm currently on the process of making that happen! So therefore, when I confess, I will already be out of the building that OM comes to.

 

I'm also confident that if I ask OM not to come back to my area....or ask his boss not to send him down, then they would both honor my request, but I think transferring is the best option! Then I won't have to get his company involved by transferring.

 

I know my h is going to ask why I'm transferring locations and I don't want to continue to be dishonest with him, so therefore I think that's when I'll have an opportunity to confess.

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Mrs. John Adams
I agree that confession should come before I quit....if I were to quit, but I'm pretty confident that I can move to another location, so that I don't see OM....and I'm currently on the process of making that happen! So therefore, when I confess, I will already be out of the building that OM comes to.

 

I'm also confident that if I ask OM not to come back to my area....or ask his boss not to send him down, then they would both honor my request, but I think transferring is the best option! Then I won't have to get his company involved by transferring.

 

I know my h is going to ask why I'm transferring locations and I don't want to continue to be dishonest with him, so therefore I think that's when I'll have an opportunity to confess.

 

Good plan...well thought out. I am proud of you. I think it will speak volumes to your husband.

 

I already disclosed this but I want to say it again....I continued to go to school after my affair...and I should have quit. It was a terrible decision on my part...one that I will regret the rest of my life.

 

I am glad you are much smarter than I was. I truly think...your husband is going to choose you and reconciliation.

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