Confession.....? Remorse?

[GoldenR]

It's amazing that you received a second chance.....you are definitely blessed!

 

If I recall correctly, your husband had a revenge affair, correct? Is that common for men or the betrayed? Why is it okay for the revenge affair to occur? Doesn't that put you both on that same level of betrayal?

 

It makes it not so lopsided. But it also says that the original wayward broke the original bs.

[GoldenR]

I'm not even going to try.

 

There was no love lost between h and I during the affair.

 

I was speaking about reconciliation.

 

 

Wait....I thought you were the BS.

[mercy]

I do feel the same as you!

 

I don't feel like there was any love lost....I never felt I loved him less!

 

No silly it means h and I didn't like each other during the affair. Oh there was plenty of lost love during affair. We had a lot of making up to do.

 

But if you felt you loved your h during the affair who am I to say you didn't.

 

It just didn't go over very well with me when h said he always loved me, he was just angry, maybe but actions speak louder than words.

 

It just doesn't sit well, kwim?

[Mrs. John Adams]

It's amazing that you received a second chance.....you are definitely blessed!

 

If I recall correctly, your husband had a revenge affair, correct? Is that common for men or the betrayed? Why is it okay for the revenge affair to occur? Doesn't that put you both on that same level of betrayal?

 

he did...however he did not have sex with her....and i completley understood why he did it. I had emasculated him....and he wanted to get inside my head. It doesn't make it right....but i understood it and forgave it and it is not an issue for me. Had I not had an affair...he would not have either. Is it common...I truly dont know...I think it probably happens more than we are aware of. Is his as bad as mine? Can you cheat a little? I dont know. Was he right to do it? no...but neither was I.

 

You will learn...when you live in a glass house...you dont throw stones. I dont sit around comparing our affairs or choices or mistakes. I love him...he loves me. We are in this together.

 

I try to have compassion for others instead of judging them. It is not the republican thing to do....but it is right for me. I do my best not to be hypocritical...i dont think of myself as better than others. I accept reponsibility for my actions and I dont blame everyone else.

 

So the bottom line is this...I have worked hard to find out what was within me that allowed me to cheat...and I have done my best to hold myself accountable.

 

I am not a perfect spouse...but it is not because I dont try.

 

When I told you this was going to be the hardest thing you have ever done...I meant it. You have no idea the amount of work that lies ahead of you. you think you do...but you dont.

 

Compassion.... humility.....accountability....patience.....remorse

 

These will become the new words you will come to understand and accept as part of your life.

[mercy]

Wait....I thought you were the BS.

 

I am, what do you mean?

 

I think my post was misunderstood.

 

The saying 'no love lost' means we didn't like each other. And was he thinking of me, h*ll no. Selfish....

[QuietDan]

It's not exactly like we're thinking of our s/o while having sex with someone else. That's obvious!

 

I understand your difficulty believing that one can love the spouse deeply, if they're willing to have an affair but I'm here telling you that is exactly my case--I love my husband with every ounce of my being, and never stopped loving my h. But as stated, I obviously didn't think of my h when I was having sex with the OM. Is it messed up? Absolutely! But that doesn't make my love any less!

 

Then, why and how come? Loss of desire for husband? Loss of respect for him? Poor communication that led to unresolved feelings of resentment towards him? Took your relationship for granted? Loss of mental and emotional intimacy? Did you hide your darker naughty side from him from the beginning? You had a reason that gave you permission to yourself for allowing yourself to go this route. It has to do with the relationship. What was missing that you only felt could be fulfilled by going outside of the relationship? Do you have some ideas about that? I was broken, doesn't really work. Unless, you are a mindless zombie. You weren't black out drunk or on drugs were you? You appear to be very intelligent, articulate, good at putting together great combinations of words and phrases, a very creative person, capable and willing to develop complex detailed plans, you are very much in the category of a thinking person. I don't see you doing anything that you do not have at least one or two specific reason for doing any particular activity. You may not want to admit it here. Or, maybe you still don't even really want to acknowledge it yet to yourself... but... even if it was the occasional fleeting thought, or, a certain image that came to mind... you had your reasons. I have a hard time believing the reason for this affair was that the other man has a mysterious power over you. I highly suspect, the only mysterious power is what you do not want to fully admit to yourself or others what your real reasons for the affair are.

Edited May 4, 2017 by QuietDan

[JohnAdams]

The one thing people do not understand, especially those early in the process is that infidelity is now part of your life. It is now part of your life history, you can not erase it it, reconcile or divorce. You can still live a good, happy life, but, it does not go away. In life, you make many choices, many make minimal difference, but, there are a few choices that will forever haunt you. Adultery is one of those choices.

[MickeyBill]

Yes, that all looks very bad! I now see that just how bad it actually is!

...

I'm at a point now where I do think I could resist him but I've had this feeling before, so I don't want to take that risk.....

...

And yes, regardless of the A...I love my husband dearly. Again, I know many doubt this because of the A., but I truly love him with all of my being!

...

I do think with every ounce of my being that my h will truly hate me.

 

LL,

 

I think that when/if you tell him about the A, hate will be one of his strongest feelings. Hate for what you did to the marriage and to him, which he will remember for a long long time. Hate and disappointment for you as well, but that will change to something other than hate, if you/he decide to R. Who knows? People are funny.

 

You say that you love H with all of your being, but maybe it is your style of writing and the effusive use of exclamation points that makes you sound excited about what may happen with you, your H and the OM. When talking about the OM you tend to leave some wiggle room in there...

 

If/when you tell H about the A there is 0% chance he will believe you if you say to him during the reveal:

 

"And yes, regardless of the A...I love my husband dearly... but I truly love him with all of my being!"

 

So don't even think about telling him that. He will feel terribly insulted and sad. Find other words. hell I don't believe it and I have nothing to win or lose...

 

I sure hope that you can work out something that gives you some peace and happiness. How ever it ends up.

Edited May 4, 2017 by MickeyBill

[Life lessons]

LL,

 

I think that when/if you tell him about the A, hate will be one of his strongest feelings. Hate for what you did to the marriage and to him, which he will remember for a long long time. Hate for you as well, but that will change to something other than hate, if you/he decide to R. Who knows? People are funny.

 

You say that you love H with all of your being, but maybe it is your style of writing and the effusive use of exclamation points that makes you sound excited about what may happen with you, your H and the OM. When talking about the OM you tend to leave some wiggle room in there...

 

If/when you tell H about the A there is 0% chance he will believe you if you say to him during the reveal:

 

"And yes, regardless of the A...I love my husband dearly... but I truly love him with all of my being!"

 

So don't even think about telling him that. He will feel terribly insulted and sad. Find other words. hell I don't believe it and I have nothing to win or lose...

 

I sure hope that you can work out something that gives you some peace and happiness. How ever it ends up.

 

 

No doubts that h will be filled with hatred! I completely understand that! I only hope he can find it in his heart to forgive me.

 

Yes, I often use exclamation marks in excess. Always have. I need to work on that. I see how you can draw the conclusion that you do. No! No wiggle room for OM! As I've stated before, I have no desire to be in a relationship with OM....even if I were single.

 

And, no, those would not be the words I used to h. I used them here only as explanation purposes.

 

Thank you for your words! I also hope we can work through this.

[Life lessons]

Hate. Even the sound of the word is harsh. Yes, he will hate you. Probably not for long but yes, hate will drop into the spin-the-wheel of emotions that your BH will experience. There was hate, betrayal, anger, a desire for revenge, a desire to seek vengeance against the OMs, pity, self pity, hopelessness, deep and horrible sorrow, powerlessness, and you get the point.

 

I shifted that hate to the OMs because I love my WW. But at times when I couldn't sleep and was on mind movie overload I would briefly hate my WW for what she had done to me, to us, and to herself.

 

The way that you show regret and then remorse will help your BH feel for you again and maybe even empathize with your and your pain and shame for what you have done.

 

Depends on the BH.

Depends on the WW.

 

Thank you for your words!

 

I understand how all of those feelings can and will come to the surface.

 

May I ask you something, considering you've stated above that you're the BS...and since you used OM in plural form, I'm making the assumption that your wife had more than one affair(?) or maybe it is a typo....but anyways, what were your beliefs before your wife's affair? Did you guys ever have a discussion in regards to being disloyal? Did you think you'd be able to forgive her and stay married to her or were you adamant that you'd divorce if an affair occurred?

 

I often wonder about the remorse, the regret. I feel like it's not going to be enough. That certainly scares me.

[BluesPower]

Remorse vs Regret...

 

These two words you need to understand. And over time you will need to show them for your husband.

 

Understand that remorse is the more powerful word, the more powerful emotion, this one takes years for most and some never really get it.

 

To be remorseful, you have to get to the point where you feel the pain that your husband will feel. You won't really feel all of his pain, at first you will think that you do, but you are no where close. Not even a tenth of the pain that he will feel.

 

When you confess, you will get a small hint of how much you have hurt your husband, I mean infinitesimal amounts. When you see the look of pain on his face, you will want to die. It will be like nothing you have ever seen from your husband. It will break your heart.

 

That is not remorse yet. As I said, it can take years.

 

Regret is kind of easy. You already regret what you have done. You are going to regret it more. That is an easy emotion to get to.

 

Over time, with the right heart attitude, you will start to understand remorse. That is when you will really start to hurt, when you start to feel a small percentage of his pain, and you will realize that you cannot feel all of it, and you cannot take it away for him. When you start hurting that much, then you will start to understand what you have done.

 

My Ex W could never get there, and never will. And guess what, there are worse things you can do to someone than an affair, not many, but there are some.

 

Of course that is why she is an Ex W...

[Mrs. John Adams]

The remorse regret enough for what?

 

do you think you can say oh babe..I am so sorry for screwing around on you with a guy i work with for several months all the while pretending you were the light of my life?

 

I have manipulated and controled you while lying straight to your face...and now...oh GOD..I am so SORRY...PLEASE forgive me....

 

Uh...NO

 

Reconciliation is a lifelong commitment to heal the pain you have caused your spouse. Pain he will never get over or forget...the rest of his life.

Can he forgive you? Yes..if you show him you deserve it...and saying I am sorry...dont cut it.

 

You really dont get it yet do you?

 

If this is all about you...forget it

 

if this is about your huband...you MIGHT have a chance...a very tiny slim chance...but only if he is gracious and you get your head out of your arse.

 

If this story is real...you are indeed clueless...even with after all of these pages of people trying to help you.

[Life lessons]

Then, why and how come? Loss of desire for husband? Loss of respect for him? Poor communication that led to unresolved feelings of resentment towards him? Took your relationship for granted? Loss of mental and emotional intimacy? Did you hide your darker naughty side from him from the beginning? You had a reason that gave you permission to yourself for allowing yourself to go this route. It has to do with the relationship. What was missing that you only felt could be fulfilled by going outside of the relationship? Do you have some ideas about that? I was broken, doesn't really work. Unless, you are a mindless zombie. You weren't black out drunk or on drugs were you? You appear to be very intelligent, articulate, good at putting together great combinations of words and phrases, a very creative person, capable and willing to develop complex detailed plans, you are very much in the category of a thinking person. I don't see you doing anything that you do not have at least one or two specific reason for doing any particular activity. You may not want to admit it here. Or, maybe you still don't even really want to acknowledge it yet to yourself... but... even if it was the occasional fleeting thought, or, a certain image that came to mind... you had your reasons. I have a hard time believing the reason for this affair was that the other man has a mysterious power over you. I highly suspect, the only mysterious power is what you do not want to fully admit to yourself or others what your real reasons for the affair are.

 

Unfortunately, I still don't have the answers to the question of why. I want to understand why I allowed myself to betray my h the way that I have. I also believe that's another possibility of why I'm not quite ready to confess. I want to be able to answer that question...and I do think my h will ask that question. That question consumes my thoughts. I really want to understand!

 

I've never lost respect nor have I any resentment towards my h. We've always had great communication. However, I do think I've taken our marriage for granted.

 

As far as the physical and emotional connection, we definitely have the physical connection....not so much the emotional intimacy/connection. I've always been one that finds it difficult to express my feelings. I don't really show emotion. I've been called out on this many times....even by my parents.

 

I guess one could look at it as me not disclosing the "naughty" side to my h, but I don't have that desire really. Yes, I've sexted with OM, which is something I don't do with my husband. (I do send my husband photos of me...just not the inappropriate language) but it's not something that I have a strong desire to do. I typically done it with OM when he prompted it.

 

I'm still unable to answer why I went outside of my marriage. I want the answers and I've been searching for the answer but unfortunately I can't answer that, at the moment.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Unfortunately, I still don't have the answers to the question of why. I want to understand why I allowed myself to betray my h the way that I have. I also believe that's another possibility of why I'm not quite ready to confess. I want to be able to answer that question...and I do think my h will ask that question. That question consumes my thoughts. I really want to understand!

 

I've never lost respect nor have I any resentment towards my h. We've always had great communication. However, I do think I've taken our marriage for granted.

 

As far as the physical and emotional connection, we definitely have the physical connection....not so much the emotional intimacy/connection. I've always been one that finds it difficult to express my feelings. I don't really show emotion. I've been called out on this many times....even by my parents.

 

I guess one could look at it as me not disclosing the "naughty" side to my h, but I don't have that desire really. Yes, I've sexted with OM, which is something I don't do with my husband. (I do send my husband photos of me...just not the inappropriate language) but it's not something that I have a strong desire to do. I typically done it with OM when he prompted it.

 

I'm still unable to answer why I went outside of my marriage. I want the answers and I've been searching for the answer but unfortunately I can't answer that, at the moment.

 

There are many depths to WHY....short answer...because you wanted to

 

When it bothers you enough you will work on the rest of the answers as to why you wanted to

[Life lessons]

The remorse regret enough for what?

 

do you think you can say oh babe..I am so sorry for screwing around on you with a guy i work with for several months all the while pretending you were the light of my life?

 

I have manipulated and controled you while lying straight to your face...and now...oh GOD..I am so SORRY...PLEASE forgive me....

 

Uh...NO

 

Reconciliation is a lifelong commitment to heal the pain you have caused your spouse. Pain he will never get over or forget...the rest of his life.

Can he forgive you? Yes..if you show him you deserve it...and saying I am sorry...dont cut it.

 

You really dont get it yet do you?

 

If this is all about you...forget it

 

if this is about your huband...you MIGHT have a chance...a very tiny slim chance...but only if he is gracious and you get your head out of your arse.

 

If this story is real...you are indeed clueless...even with after all of these pages of people trying to help you.

 

Obviously I realize I can't say that to h, and everything be okay. Not certain why you're even implying that!?

 

Also, yes, I recognize that reconciliation is a lifetime commitment..a lifetime of proving myself. I completely get that!

 

Again, I'm not certain where I implied a simple apology would make everything better....I know that's not the case!

 

So yes ma'am, I do get it! I understand this isn't about me...

 

Please tell me what you're referring to, when you state that I'm clueless? I appreciate all the advice that I have received. Some I will use-----some I will not....but it's all appreciated and understood!

[Friskyone4u]

Life,

 

You're headed in the bright direction, but sometimes this question about "why" is something that never gets answered because both BH and WW are looking for something other than the reality. And that is you are an intelligent woman, you were not drugged, and you did it because it was exciting and you wanted to. That does not make you evil.

 

The point is the longer you delay telling your husband, if you are really serious about it, the more chance there is that OM will contact you again in some way and that you will be right back where you started from.

 

You convincing yourself, or some therapist convincing you as to why you climbed into bed with another man, is not going to make this process of confession any easier.

 

The important thing is that you answer all the details he asks for truthfully, and do not withhold anything under the guise on not wanting to hurt him more. That is attempting to control the outcome and is the worst thing you can do.

 

Sure, he may ask you why. And if you give him any answer other than you were selfish and ashamed of yourself, do you think he is going to believe you??? Or feel better? The "why" answer can very often be construed as to blaming BH.

 

If you are going to confess, the best way to do it is rip off the band aid and hold onto the guardrail because the ride will get bumpy. There is no way to prepare beforehand to GUARANTEE that you will be successful in getting him to give you a second chance and the longer the betrayal goes on, the worse it is. And I hope you can prove to him that if it ended some time ago it is not just your word that says you let a bunch of time lapse before confessing.

 

Good luck.

[QuietDan]

The remorse regret enough for what?

 

do you think you can say oh babe..I am so sorry for screwing around on you with a guy i work with for several months all the while pretending you were the light of my life?

 

I have manipulated and controled you while lying straight to your face...and now...oh GOD..I am so SORRY...PLEASE forgive me....

 

Uh...NO

 

Reconciliation is a lifelong commitment to heal the pain you have caused your spouse. Pain he will never get over or forget...the rest of his life.

Can he forgive you? Yes..if you show him you deserve it...and saying I am sorry...dont cut it.

 

You really dont get it yet do you?

 

If this is all about you...forget it

 

if this is about your huband...you MIGHT have a chance...a very tiny slim chance...but only if he is gracious and you get your head out of your arse.

 

If this story is real...you are indeed clueless...even with after all of these pages of people trying to help you.

 

Regret, she understands and can process.

To what degree she will achieve remorse???

She will find the level she is capable of achieving. With time, she will probable learn and grow in this area as well.

She has remorse. I suggest, that it is a bit different than what you might experience as remorse.

To a certain extent, you might as well be asking a color blind person to comprehend the full color spectrum of a rainbow.

Through all of her posts, there are certain aspects of her personality profile that have become apparent to a number of members. She is also aware of these personality traits. Presumable her husband would also aware of them as well.

I suspect, the critical issues with him will be the degree of regret, and intentional behavior that she undertakes in order to correct the situation.

How well she will be able to truly demonstrate in a transparent way that she is a safe and trustworthy partner.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Regret, she understands and can process.

To what degree she will achieve remorse???

She will find the level she is capable of achieving. With time, she will probable learn and grow in this area as well.

She has remorse. I suggest, that it is a bit different than what you might experience as remorse.

To a certain extent, you might as well be asking a color blind person to comprehend the full color spectrum of a rainbow.

Through all of her posts, there are certain aspects of her personality profile that have become apparent to a number of members. She is also aware of these personality traits. Presumable her husband would also aware of them as well.

I suspect, the critical issues with him will be the degree of regret, and intentional behavior that she undertakes in order to correct the situation.

How well she will be able to truly demonstrate in a transparent way that she is a safe and trustworthy partner.

 

She does not need anyone to interpret or explain her answers. They speak for themselves.

 

No she does not understand remorse....no she does not understand what she has done...no she does not understand the pain she will cause her husband.

 

She might...eventually.....she has not even confessed yet...she is merely contemplating confession...to keep her from having contact with her AP.

 

Her confession at this point is not even for the right reason. I am not saying she wont get to the right mindset. I am saying she is not there today.

[DKT3]

Why is a question that all BS will ask over and over and over. The truth is no answer you give will ever satisfy him, ever.

 

With that said, he will get to a point were he understands (from your POV) why you did it, but his mind will catalog all the alternative solutions.

 

As to your question about revenge affairs, they are never equal to the original affair because you honestly have no way of knowing if it would have happened absent the first.

[AlwaysGrowing]

No doubts that h will be filled with hatred! I completely understand that! I only hope he can find it in his heart to forgive me.

 

Your husband may never forgive the affair. He may come to accept that the affair happened but never forgive.

 

Regret is the cousin to the cheesy YOLO. It is superficial. It is about "I" and "I" alone. Regret wants to be passified. Regret seeks forgiveness.

 

Remorse hits the very centre of being in "I". Remorse sees "I" from the injured party perspective. Remorse changes a person. Remorse does not ask for forgiveness....remorse seeks to improve oneself....to prove oneself....remorse nurtures integrity, self respect, accountability....from ourselves. Remorse doesn't require the other party to do one damn thing....remorse does not ask for absolution....remorse wants to earn it.

[DKT3]

She does not need anyone to interpret or explain her answers. They speak for themselves.

 

No she does not understand remorse....no she does not understand what she has done...no she does not understand the pain she will cause her husband.

 

She might...eventually.....she has not even confessed yet...she is merely contemplating confession...to keep her from having contact with her AP.

 

Her confession at this point is not even for the right reason. I am not saying she wont get to the right mindset. I am saying she is not there today.

 

Excellent point, the long over due confession is as selfish as the affair. If I'm being honest, I think she loves her husband, maybe as best as she knows how with a selfish mindset. It appears to be a very conditional love that relies heavily on how she benefits.

 

If her impending confession was because she wanted to offer her husband the truth because she feels she owes him the opportunity to decide what kind of wife and marriage he wants, it would bode well towards repairing the marriage. As it stands, when the rubber hits the road I'm not sure she will be willing to deal.

 

Regret vs Remorse

 

Regret focuses on how your actions impact you.

 

Remorse focuses on how your actions impact the ones that love you.

 

Absolutely no remorse here, but it's to be expected since, well no one knows, she hasn't seen that impact.

[MickeyBill]

I'm reading these pages and I'm seeing the same thing pop up over and over. the "why did I do this" then there is the usual list of lack of attention, intimacy, interest, understanding, attachment, respect, the family father / mother issues, CSA, FOO, bored, looking for fun or love and so on.

 

I guess it's a probably little bit of all of those, but strip away all the navel gazing introspection and it comes down to "offer made, offer accepted". from what I have heard most any woman is hit on (offer made) many times a day but only a teeny tiny % accept that offer. Whether it's a flirt, a drink, or an opening for an affair. Most men would don't get hit on very much...

 

I thought of this while watching the news about some guy arrested for doing some awful assault and people were trying to explain why he did it. Going thru similar gymnastics to get to the elusive "why" Well, maybe this guy is just a dick and he wanted to beat up the other guy.

 

Can it be that in many affairs the offer was made and accepted because those 2 people just wanted it?

Edited May 5, 2017 by MickeyBill

[Unforseen]

Thank you for your words!

 

I understand how all of those feelings can and will come to the surface.

 

May I ask you something, considering you've stated above that you're the BS...and since you used OM in plural form, I'm making the assumption that your wife had more than one affair(?) or maybe it is a typo....but anyways, what were your beliefs before your wife's affair? Did you guys ever have a discussion in regards to being disloyal? Did you think you'd be able to forgive her and stay married to her or were you adamant that you'd divorce if an affair occurred?

 

I often wonder about the remorse, the regret. I feel like it's not going to be enough. That certainly scares me.

 

Thank you for your consideration. Yes, the use of the plural was on purpose. My WW and I had a marriage that was built on a weak foundation. We got married right out of high school for mostly the wrong reasons and sustained it with stubbornness while we slowly torn each other to shreds. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't all bad, but there was much that was. I think that may answer another question you had. We had never seriously considered divorce as an option even when we were at our worst. I'm happy we felt this way even though it did not make much sense at the time.

 

Anyway, my WW got to a point where she was convinced that I no longer loved her or wanted her in my life. At that point she was seriously addicted to an online game and the chat rooms associated with it. Instead of talking to me about her fears and feelings she found someone to replace me. That was OM#1. Some few weeks after that she chose to allow conversations with a 'player' type to escalate to sexting and eventually picture swapping. That was OM#2. About that time the red flags I was noticing finally made sense so I broke into her phone and that was D-day #1. During that time she manipulated me into thinking her As had been my fault while she pursued and started up with OM#3. I had no clue about the 180 or NC. I was in total shock and feeling guilty and had a singular goal of saving the marriage. Then I saw a message on her phone pop up from OM#3 and that was D Day #2.

 

Ironically we had a discussion several years earlier. Or maybe an argument really. She said she'd put up with a lot of crap but if I ever cheated we were done. By that point I had already refused several advances and thought we were good. She has a firm view against cheating, and I had already proven myself. Yes she has taken some heat for that in the past 20 months.

 

I can't say I ever considered what would happen after an A as I thought there would never be one. What helped after the D days is that I truly wanted to stay married to the woman I loved in conjunction with her desire to make things right between us.

 

For the first 3 months I thought I had made the wrong choice. My WW was still involved with the online game and still in contact with the husband replacement. The 2 that she had been sexting were out of the picture. I started to see a change in her and finally grew hopeful. When she would go to log into the game and see how upset and unhappy her actions were making me she would stop. Then one day she deleted the game and made me look through her phone to prove it to me. We have been recovering steadily since.

 

When I say things are going well in our R what I really mean is not wvery day is a struggle. We have grown a great deal in the past 20 months. Lots of MC and IC for both of us and we have finally learned how to talk AND listen to each other.

 

Yes you have a chance for R. But the sad fact is that even if you desire that with every fiber of your being and do everything exactly 'right' and show regret and remorse the decision ultimately lies with your BH.

 

If things do go towards R, and I sincerely hope that they do, please let me offer a few things that my WW and I have learned so far.

 

MC, a good idea with the correct therapist. Make sure it is one that will allow your BHs feelings and anger and fears to take priority. He must be heard first and his issues addressed before any real healing of the marriage can occur.

 

Do not hide anything. If your BH wants to know then let him know fully and completely until he asks you to stop.

 

Do not let yourself become defensive or resentful at the interogations and accusations that you will face. But I believe it is okay to ask for a break of things become too heated or overwhelming. You do need to keep yourself safe physically and emotionally. And let me tell you as strong as you may be there will come a point where you think you may break from the strain and shame of answer his questions or words spoken in anger.

 

Thank you for allowing me to share some of what I've learned during my experiences with all of this mess.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Unfortunately, I still don't have the answers to the question of why. I want to understand why I allowed myself to betray my h the way that I have. I also believe that's another possibility of why I'm not quite ready to confess. I want to be able to answer that question...and I do think my h will ask that question. That question consumes my thoughts. I really want to understand!

 

Deep down you do know why. At some level you weighed the risk/reward and decided to cheat on your husband. This decision was made over and over again. You need to look deep inside yourself and be honest with yourself. My guess is that you don't want to look at yourself with the 'good girl' veneer removed.

 

I've never lost respect nor have I any resentment towards my h.

 

You don't respect your husband. That is very clear by your actions. Stop self-deceiving yourself.

[ahmed8xm]

Confession and Remorse is not enough for a BS(especially Men)

 

Some People Will Never Forgive Infidelity Because

 

"" I can Forgive But I Will Never Forget ""

 

I Have Read Many Stories of Divorces that happened after years long reconciliation

 

you know why because being intimate with a WS becomes a challenge

 

When you cheat you do not just cheat on your husband

 

you cheat on your children you cheat on your family you cheat on everything

 

No Offense !(i dont mean to Mean)

 

But i dont think you respect your husband ( or you dont know what respect and love is)