Confession.....? Remorse?

[Heathen]

How soon is he supposed to be in your area? Days, weeks or months? Are you almost out of time?

Edited May 9, 2017 by Heathen

[Life lessons]

How soon is he supposed to be in your area? Days, weeks or months? Are you almost out of time?

 

Not certain! I assumed it would've been by the end of April, but i haven't heard anything definite.

 

I do believe it will be before I'm able to get transferred to the new location.

 

I'm feeling quite strong that I can steer clear of him, but I don't want to take that chance.

[Life lessons]

I do get the impression that you enjoy (probably poor wording) these discussions and to be a bit flippant I want out but like your affair I keep getting drawn back in.

 

Seriously I do think you have been given all the possible solutions, answers, consequences that you will face so I do think you should take a backward step from here and decide in your own time when you are comfortable to do what you need/want to do. Today has been a bit of a beat up for you and the longer you keep this going I think it will get worse and I don' want to see you driven away from the group.

 

I do agree! I've read and taken into consideration the opinions and views of others. I simply come back to this thread to answer any questions.

[harrybrown]

Yes, I can definitely speak with his company and that may be what I decide to do if their plans are to send him back within the next couple of months. I really didn't want to go this route because I didn't and don't want to cause even more trouble.

 

why will you not start protecting your H and stop protecting the OM?

 

he has caused your H so much heartache and you say you want to stop the A and be with your H. Make your actions show that and start doing everything you can to protect your marriage and your H. Start with proper boundaries and get far away from the OM and your addiction to him and his lies.

 

i do hope you start putting your H first ahead of the OM.

[deadsoul]

please be honest not just with us but with yourself

 

were you or were you not legally married and a child was produced from that marriage? you have changed your story several times...which tells me...you are lying somewhere in this story and I am not sure why

 

I'm confused. How is this relevant? Some people say they are 'married' but don't have the piece of paper, but consider themselves married. But does that really matter in the present situation? If you think it is relevant because it indicates LL is lying, I don't get that she's lying, more that she isn't really talking about that part of her life. And whether she was legally married or not doesn't seem to pertain to this situation.

 

My son has a son out of wedlock with his high school sweetheart that he went with for years. They were not married...not even close to being married. So stop trying to justify the truth. Were you legally married or not before this present marriage?

 

Does it matter? Why?

 

and how long have you been married to your present husband and how long have you been screwing around?

 

You have 2 children by two different men....and your present husband does not know you have been screwing around on him? but now you want to confess becasue you dont think you can stay away from your currant affiar partner unless you tell your husband?

 

Do you see how screwed up this whole scenario is? and how we who have been following your story and giving you advice feel like we have been duped?

 

I don't feel duped...

 

At this point..I confess..i dont know what to beleive. YOu post all over the forum...in sex in om/ow...in infedelity...and you have all this information that i confess sounds very much like you can't keep ypur story straight.

 

remorseful waywards do not go to the sex forum and describe sex with the affair partner....they are simply smarter than that..and if they aren't...they have no idea what kind of can of worms they are opening.

 

please just be honest and tell us the truth

 

I'm just trying to figure out the relevance of her previous "marriage" or her children's father(s) to the current situation. Did I miss something? thanks.

[Heathen]

Not certain! I assumed it would've been by the end of April, but i haven't heard anything definite.

 

I do believe it will be before I'm able to get transferred to the new location.

 

I'm feeling quite strong that I can steer clear of him, but I don't want to take that chance.

 

He could walk up on you at any time. He could be waiting for you in the parking lot. I fear you will get tested very soon.

 

Be careful now. Crossroads.

[GoldenR]

I'm certain you may be correct and some men may view my kindness as flirtatious but I can assure you, I've always made it clear...if it came up....that it is strictly kindness on my part.

 

Come on....if that was the case, you wouldn't be here.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'm just trying to figure out the relevance of her previous "marriage" or her children's father(s) to the current situation. Did I miss something? thanks.

 

How is it relevant? Her perception is relevant... her definition is relevant... her atttitude is relevant

 

If she justifies this she justifies other relevant things

 

Her attitude about everything she does is relevant

 

Good grief

 

She has lied and twisted this story in so many directions that no one knows the truth

 

Why

 

Because if she is not honest with herself she can never be honest with her husband

[Friskyone4u]

Life,

 

Here is the simple truth. You are 100% CORRECT that you previous marriage details and all this cross examination means nothing in your current situation. And your excitement in the affair is absolutely nothing out of the ordinary.

 

But the real problem here is in some of your last posts. You are still at the point where you are having to hope to accomplish all these transfers, getting him transferred, etc, simply because you do not have confidence that since you have not told your husband yet that you will run right to a motel with this guy.

 

Yes, you do not want him, or so you say. If you really in your heart believed that, you would not be needing to confess just to stop having sex with him.

 

Understand this, and you are very intelligent so I know you know this. Him transferring, or you transferring, in todays day and age is not in itself going to make you a safe partner for your husband. There are so many ways you can stay in contact with him your head will spin.You know that. So until this Om is convinced that he could appear on your doorstep and you would walk away, he is going to pursue, job or no job.

 

You are getting your ducks in a row. You are working on the timelines. All great. What you also ought to be doing is lining up polygraph examiners so that you can proactively offer that to your husband because when you confess and you tell him the ways and stories you told him to be with OM, he is going to not believe a word you say, and you know that is with good reason.

 

None of us, including you, have a clue of exactly what your BH reaction is going to be. I hope you will have somewhere to go if he wants you to leave on D Day to give him space. Right now, all of your thoughts and preparation needs to be on how you stay on board the roller coaster, not delving into your past life.You will have time for that if you want to do it if you get the chance.

 

The only reason i think you better do this quickly is because if you expected this OM back Mid April you are running out of time, and I hope to hell that if you find out he is back and headed your way before you tell your husbans that you make yourself non existent or take the day off.

[Life lessons]

No ma'am, I have not twisted the story.....some of the posters on this thread have twisted the story. I don't know how many times I've stated that fact, when it's occurred. Some posters take things and run entirely off track. That's not me...that is them and where these individuals are getting these thoughts(?)...no clue...considering I didn't remotely imply things that have been said throughout.

I can't control others thoughts and assumptions.

 

What I've written about the A and OM is the truth.....as far as my 1st "marriage", that has absolutely nothing to do with my situation. It is irrelevant! Again, it's not a black and white situation and I'm not willing to go into detail about it here....if I were to give the details, that would provide information that I'm not willing to put on a forum, such as this.

 

With that said, I have went into detail in reference to OM and the A....I can't control how people take what I've said....just like the confusion when you, yourself, thought I was in a 10 year affair....maybe some things aren't worded clearly and that brings forth confusion!? My apologies in advance, if that's the case.

[Mrs. John Adams]

No ma'am, I have not twisted the story.....some of the posters on this thread have twisted the story. I don't know how many times I've stated that fact, when it's occurred. Some posters take things and run entirely off track. That's not me...that is them and where these individuals are getting these thoughts(?)...no clue...considering I didn't remotely imply things that have been said throughout.

I can't control others thoughts and assumptions.

 

What I've written about the A and OM is the truth.....as far as my 1st "marriage", that has absolutely nothing to do with my situation. It is irrelevant! Again, it's not a black and white situation and I'm not willing to go into detail about it here....if I were to give the details, that would provide information that I'm not willing to put on a forum, such as this.

 

With that said, I have went into detail in reference to OM and the A....I can't control how people take what I've said....just like the confusion when you, yourself, thought I was in a 10 year affair....maybe some things aren't worded clearly and that brings forth confusion!? My apologies in advance, if that's the case.

 

yes we all have misconstrued what you have said. It is all our fault.

 

I rest my case. Mrs JA over and out.

[Thisguy21]

Why don't you tell him already? You are trying to control the outcome is my guess. Trying to manipulate things in your favor. My guess is even if you finally tell him, which I don't think you will at this point, but even if you do you will manipulate things further for your own personal gain. Just like your posts suggest trying to manipulate this conversation in your favor. Instead of flat out honesty. If you can't even be honest with a bunch of strangers in a forum, I have no doubt you will lie to your husband and trickle truth the affair to do your best at manipulating the outcome.

 

I don't understand your reasoning for this post. You claim you want to be honest and a bunch of other stuff trying to show everyone that doesn't know you and frankly doesn't really care about the outcome for you, that you are this great person who made a mistake. Why are you game planning and trying to convince us? A bunch of people you don't care about. Probably because you know deep down who and what you are and you are trying to get others, random strangers, to convince you that you are indeed a good person.

 

You will get no sympathy from me. You hang out with women who cheat all the time. Birds of a feather. You don't even associate yourself with women of character, and you expect everyone here to think you are of high character yourself. Except you are a cheater, and not even sorry for it. You are more concerned that you will do it again then being a good wife. That is why this thread started in the first place ffs. I'm not gonna sugar coat anything like the nice folks here. You are acting like a POS of a person and I hope your husband finds out on his own and you get kicked to the curb. That is where you are headed either way. So I hope for your husbands sake he finds out who and what you really are and he leaves for greener grass. It's no more then you deserve at this point.

 

Prove me wrong. Because all your words and actions say otherwise. If my wife ever cheats, I hope she acts just like you while doing it. Would make my decision much easier to leave your sorry ass.

[aliveagain]

Between your different posts here on LS there are probably 1000 or more replies to you from some of LoveShack's best yet here you are still trying to find ways to avoid and detach from some player your banging because you are too weak to resist him.

 

You have tried to show us all how much you love your husband even though you have been having an affair with a guy 7 years younger then you for somewhere between 10 months and 30 months, haven't figured out the time frame yet but it's a fu*k of a long time. You minimize the fact that you only let him pound your a$$ into some hotel room mattress a few times and you made him wear a condom and never performed oral on him. Probably out of respect for your husband and daughter I suspect. The condom may not save you if he has some of the worst STD's. Just so you know, I am in the medical world, our business is focused on protecting people from HIV, Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C, etc, etc, etc.. In my world there are over 1 million potential exposures every year just in the USA(those are just the ones that are reported). Most people that have STD's have no symptoms, some STD's don't even show up until 6 or more months after your last encounter. So stop trying to minimize what you have done and are doing, loose the attitude!!!!!!(did I use enough exclamation marks?)

 

I find what you don't say says a lot. How could you have met his family if they live 10 hours away? Your not worried about them outing you because they don't know where you live, you commute 50 minutes to work from another town and you use your maiden name on some of your social media. Your communicating with this player through a girlfriends old email account who probably doesn't know your using.

 

You are on here trying to convince us the POS other man is perusing you and poor weak innocent you is having a hard time resisting him yet you do all these expert things to hide your affair. Ordinary people that have affairs don't know about these things. You learn these things from hanging out with other cheaters, research or through experience. You are one of the sneakiest cheaters I have come across on this site, a real trickster. Perhaps you are only here to learn other ways of not being detected, discovered from people that have been discovered or find out how B/S's discovered their cheating spouses. Regardless, I still think your husband already suspects or knows and your days are numbered. You need a lot of help girl, hope you use some of the advice you've been given by the good caring and hurt people on LS because they were really trying to help you.

[harrybrown]

So have you told your H and started protecting him?

[Thisguy21]

So have you told your H and started protecting him?

 

Don't kid yourself. This thread is about self preservation, has nothing to do with her husband. Why would anyone need to rehearse the truth? There is truth which doesn't need rehearsal and there is manipulation which does. She's trying to cover all her bases for herself. I repeat, has absolutely nothing to do with her husband.

[QuietDan]

So, why do you think you cheated?

Generally speaking, a wife who respects her husband doesn't cheat on him.

It seems like you either didn't have respect for him from the beginning, or, somewhere along the line you lost your respect for him.

Have you taken the time to evaluate what you do respect about him?

What you do not respect about him? And, why not?

I have heard, that one way to undermine the marriage relationship is to start joining conversations with others who complain about there husbands. In turn, when you join in, you start to believe your own rhetoric. It creates reasons to lose respect and devalue the relationship.

Usually, when you lose respect for someone, the heart starts to follow.

If you start to complain about things, then all you see is the problems...

It is usually difficult to desire someone you do not respect.

How do you truly love someone you do not respect?

What do you respect about a man?

What draws your attention and desire?

You intentionally cheated on your husband with this other man.

Why did you respect the other man more than your husband?

What was it about him that you found more desirable?

What did you value about the other man that was worth turning your back on being loyal and faithful to your husband? There is something about him that you value greater than everything your husband ever brought to the table.

There was something about him you respected more than what your husband had to offer. Something you where willing to risk losing everything you had with your husband. It wasn't an accident. You intentionally made multiple decisions over and over again according to your own free will.

What was it about your husband that you thought didn't measure up to what this other man had to offer that you valued more?

You will need to know this before you can truly find a way to reconcile being in a new relationship with your husband based on different reasons and values than you had. The reasons and values that you had, led to your affair.

Love, values, respect, relationships need to be protected, guarded, intentionally maintained. It is even said that a person need to take captive every thought. Even allowing the mind and thoughts to linger on things that undermine a relationship can cause it damage.

Edited May 10, 2017 by QuietDan
repaired badly worded autocorrected sentence.

[Friskyone4u]

Life,

 

I have not read all the other threads of yours so I'm not going to do any more 2 X 4's than you have already gotten here. It's very confusing and hard to understand the two statements:

 

"I love my husband and want to be married to him as my only goal"

VERSUS

"After all of this supposed soul searching the reason you are thinking of confessing is NOT because of your guilt, shame, or chance at redemption, but rather to protect yourself from being unable to keep your pants on.

 

Now, if you're still hanging around with friends that knew you were cheating and encouraged you, don't bother confessing if you intend on continuing that, so I'll let that one go.

 

We all know that most cheaters lie or fabricate the truth so that may explain some inconsistencies in wheat you have said as these posts probably at times you were in a different mind set.

 

The bottom line is if you're going to do it for the reason you stated above ( you don't think you can say no to him") you better do it NOW before you get tested. my guess is that unless your husband doers the wrong thing, which is a possibility, he will make it pretty clear to you that OM goes or you go. If that does not do the trick, then you need a divorce.

 

Like I said before, I believe what is holding you back is the belief that once you confess your option to have your boyfriend will disappear, as may your marriage. And the thrill and nastiness will be gone which you seem to have enjoyed.

 

I have no clue what more advice you could get than what the total you have received here . Ball is in your court.

[Thisguy21]

"the ball is in your court"

 

The problem is she is trying to convince herself and everyone else here the she is going to roll that ball over to her husband. But like playing fetch with a dog, she really intends on fake throwing that ball then hiding it behind her back only to watch her husband run after nothing while she laughs at his stupidity. Hopefully like a smart dog, he'll notice she never threw him the ball in the first place and he won't go chasing her lies.

[Friskyone4u]

"the ball is in your court"

 

The problem is she is trying to convince herself and everyone else here the she is going to roll that ball over to her husband. But like playing fetch with a dog, she really intends on fake throwing that ball then hiding it behind her back only to watch her husband run after nothing while she laughs at his stupidity. Hopefully like a smart dog, he'll notice she never threw him the ball in the first place and he won't go chasing her lies.

 

Listen, You make your opinion very clear as did your other post. Beating her up is not going to help her at this point. Some of the most frequent posters ( I am not one of them) and "veterans" have called her out.

 

Life, I hope you do the right thing but I think when all is said and done you are going to not confess. You may want to somewhat, but forgetting the other inconsistencies professing love for your husband but the inability to not succumb to a guy who shows up once a month at your workplace indicate wanting to be a cake eater. If you stay silent you have that ability until you get caught.

 

If I am wrong, and I hope to hell I am, what really is going to determine the outcome of this is your husbands reaction. In your state of mind, anything resembling the pick me game from him will enable you to still carry the torch and go underground and break NC. If he goes "nuclear" on you, it is the only chance to save your marriage. Unfortunately, he will not have folks here coaching him.

 

I would not bet on a happy outcome here because at this point I can't buy this profession of "love" and devotion to your husband. If you love your husband and want nothing but to save your marriage, that ain't going to happen using his pain as a crutch to keep you out of another mans bed. You have to want it that way on your own.

 

You're in a fog because you've had no consequences, and it appears you are going to keep it that way. I hope I am wrong. Most of us here hate being right.

[Thisguy21]

If I was in her shoes I would need a verbal 2x4 upside my head. And it would probably take repeated blows with said 2x4 before it starts to work.

 

OP do you still plan on telling him? If so then when? What are you waiting for?

[saddad44]

This might sound horrible - but I regret confessing my affair. I wish I had not and just fixed myself and my marriage instead.

 

All it did was cause a lot more problems than good. Clearing my conscience wasn't worth it IMO. It caused my wife to spiral out of control and have a revenge affair and likely destroyed our marriage.

 

It would (and is) something I would live with the rest of my life, but if I had to do it over again, I would not have confessed and threw it in the closet of skeletons and instead worked towards fixing myself and what led up to the horrible events.

 

That might not be the best universal advise, but for my situation, I think it would have been better.

[JohnAdams]

This might sound horrible - but I regret confessing my affair. I wish I had not and just fixed myself and my marriage instead.

 

All it did was cause a lot more problems than good. Clearing my conscience wasn't worth it IMO. It caused my wife to spiral out of control and have a revenge affair and likely destroyed our marriage.

 

It would (and is) something I would live with the rest of my life, but if I had to do it over again, I would not have confessed and threw it in the closet of skeletons and instead worked towards fixing myself and what led up to the horrible events.

 

That might not be the best universal advise, but for my situation, I think it would have been better.

 

 

One of the saddest things I read or hear from cheaters is that they regret confessing. Not that they regret the affair, but they regret confessing. Your really cannot change either confessing or the fact that you had an affair, but the thing you regret is confessing.

[saddad44]

One of the saddest things I read or hear from cheaters is that they regret confessing. Not that they regret the affair, but they regret confessing. Your really cannot change either confessing or the fact that you had an affair, but the thing you regret is confessing.

 

I can sympathize with what you're saying. It just depends on the person.

 

I could have quietly fixed myself, lived with my stupid choices and made strides to make it up to her in my own way, instead of causing her the distress I did. The affair meant nothing, and was just a blip in history.

 

I absolutely regret the affair 10000000x over. I constantly think about it and live with it every day for 5 months now.

 

However, I think our lives would have been completely different.

[mightycpa]

This might sound horrible - but I regret confessing my affair. I wish I had not and just fixed myself and my marriage instead.

To me, I guess the difference between being horrible and being right is why you regret it.... for the pain that you've caused her, or for the pain that you've caused you.

 

Maybe it's a little of both.

 

If I were a BS, the only reason I'd want to know is so that I could divorce her. So she might as well save me the trouble, and take the decision on herself. If I were inclined to forgiveness, I'd rather not know, and would settle for her being a better spouse in whatever way she could, so that I could be happy and she could be the one who works out all the bad feelings.

 

I'm not sure how I ended up in this thread, but I posted a comment in saddad's thread that discusses this at length. It's being moderated, I suppose there's a trigger word in there.

Edited May 11, 2017 by mightycpa

[Heathen]

The affair meant nothing, and was just a blip in history..

 

To you it meant nothing, but it obviously meant a whole lot to your wife.

 

In reality, The reason why most say they dont want to confess, is because they do not want to suffer the consequences for their behavior. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

So lets take a look at your consequences. Your wife did not beg and plead or kick you out. She did what most cheaters fear. She pulled out the knife and stuck it in you.

 

No wonder you wish you had not confessed.

 

As to the OP. The AP may be there or on his way. If you do not have the strength to confess and have maintained NC, take sometime off from work, go home and stay there or go visit a sick family member. In the face of imminent danger, always keep the option to RUN. There is no cowardice in living to fight another day.

 

A prayer for your family.

Edited May 11, 2017 by Heathen