Confession.....? Remorse?

[Marc878]

OP, tell the OM's wife. You will then see how fast the OM will leave

you alone.

 

Yep, this is your best course plus it would help in your confession to tell your H AP's wife has been informed

[understand50]

Life lessons,

 

You give your husband all the information he wants, honestly as you can. If he want to see the pictures, then show him. If he need the details of your sex life with the AP, then you tell him. Let him decide the level of truth he needs. In other words, put him back in control.

 

As soon as you tell him, if you have not already, you will not be in control, your husband will. If will be up to him to decide if he wants to give you a 2nd chance or not. You will have to wait for him. Do not think you can control this, or manage this, all you can do is answer his questions, and then work to try and make things right and discover remorse. Here are all the links that everyone is telling you to read.

 

Here are the links:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...use-needs-know

 

See Linda McDonald's book, " How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair"

 

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_T...FINAL_pdf-.pdf

 

Things a BS should do:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...reconciliation

 

Lastly, just what is remorse?:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...elates-affairs

 

Remorse, can be a trick thing. It can take a long time to really understand, but you can work on it. I think that is the key, you need to work on it, and yourself, if you want a chance of recovering your marriage.

 

I wish you luck.....

[ConInLA]

Hi LifeLessons,

I just read your entire thread. I completely disagree with posters telling you to show him GRAPHIC photos. That is such cruel and unusual punishment that no spouse should ever have to see. That will NOT help him, in any shape or form. You don't need a script to confess to your husband. Just go in there and say whatever feels right. There are no right words to tell your husband that you have been sleeping with another man. It will be a highly uncomfortable moment and no you won't know how your husband will respond. Believe me, your husband will ask you what he needs to know. With that said, if you're only confessing because you think it will help you get over the OM, you will be sadly mistaken. He's only an addiction. What it will help you with, is empathy. You will slowly begin to realize just what you have done and that "urge" that you have to text or be with your AP, simply will begin to stop. If you're lucky and your husband forgives you, you will have moments where you feel unworthy of such love, yet humbled by it. Well at least that's how I feel. I hope that your husband gives you this gift of attempting to reconcile.

Your husband will tell you what he needs you to do to aid in his forgiveness. That will probably include no contact with your AP. I sent mine a text saying that I confessed and that I told my husband I would no longer talk to him again. I defriended him on Facebook. Haven't spoken since. Anyway, your husband might need completely different things.

I wish you well. The road ahead isn't easy, for either of you. Have hope that one day things WILL get better. Focus on your husband and his needs, that is where they should have been anyway. Good luck!!

[DKT3]

Hi LifeLessons,

I just read your entire thread. I completely disagree with posters telling you to show him GRAPHIC photos. That is such cruel and unusual punishment that no spouse should ever have to see. That will NOT help him, in any shape or form. You don't need a script to confess to your husband. Just go in there and say whatever feels right. There are no right words to tell your husband that you have been sleeping with another man. It will be a highly uncomfortable moment and no you won't know how your husband will respond. Believe me, your husband will ask you what he needs to know. With that said, if you're only confessing because you think it will help you get over the OM, you will be sadly mistaken. He's only an addiction. What it will help you with, is empathy. You will slowly begin to realize just what you have done and that "urge" that you have to text or be with your AP, simply will begin to stop. If you're lucky and your husband forgives you, you will have moments where you feel unworthy of such love, yet humbled by it. Well at least that's how I feel. I hope that your husband gives you this gift of attempting to reconcile.

Your husband will tell you what he needs you to do to aid in his forgiveness. That will probably include no contact with your AP. I sent mine a text saying that I confessed and that I told my husband I would no longer talk to him again. I defriended him on Facebook. Haven't spoken since. Anyway, your husband might need completely different things.

I wish you well. The road ahead isn't easy, for either of you. Have hope that one day things WILL get better. Focus on your husband and his needs, that is where they should have been anyway. Good luck!!

 

I think what people are saying to LL is stop making unilateral decisions​, she honestly has no more idea as to how her husband will react as we do, unless she has done this before and se n his reaction. Some​ BS want to see and hear everything, some don't want to see​ or hear anything. It's not up to her once she confess. Have it all ready to show him believe it or not, will start to build his trust back.

 

Having a WS who isn't trying to hide things or play protect the BS (which is really self preservation) doesn't help. Maybe the short term. In all honesty cheating rarely ends marriage, it's the crap that comes with the cover-up.

 

LL save whatever you have, don't delete anything. The preparation is important because if you don't you will TT. TT is so damaging. So the fine line is not giving​ what he hasn't asked for, but at the same time not leaving anything out. You don't want to reset the clock with every conversation.

[Superchicken]

I think what people are saying to LL is stop making unilateral decisions​, she honestly has no more idea as to how her husband will react as we do, unless she has done this before and se n his reaction. Some​ BS want to see and hear everything, some don't want to see​ or hear anything. It's not up to her once she confess. Have it all ready to show him believe it or not, will start to build his trust back.

 

Having a WS who isn't trying to hide things or play protect the BS (which is really self preservation) doesn't help. Maybe the short term. In all honesty cheating rarely ends marriage, it's the crap that comes with the cover-up.

 

LL save whatever you have, don't delete anything. The preparation is important because if you don't you will TT. TT is so damaging. So the fine line is not giving​ what he hasn't asked for, but at the same time not leaving anything out. You don't want to reset the clock with every conversation.

 

Exactly.

He needs to decide. Why the hell should she STILL be in control of the situation.

Lead the horse to the water, and let the horse decide whether to drink !.

 

 

Ted.

[aliveagain]

Yep, this is your best course plus it would help in your confession to tell your H AP's wife has been informed

 

Marc I believe her affair partner is single, she has met some of his family already. Too many people know about their affair and it is definitely just a matter of time before someone exposes it to her husband. The other man is hunting her again and may come to her work place.

 

ConInLa, no one recommended showing her husband the photographs. We recommended she make him aware that she has them and to ask him what he wants her to do with them. Anything she deletes will be seen as her trying to protect the other man. If her husband wants to see them then yes, show him the photographs but that call should be his. This is about building trust again through actions. It will help show her husband that the wife/lover scenario is back to a wife/husband pairing putting the O/M on the outside. She has to be able to prove she has chosen him and their marriage, anything she deletes will be seen as a cover up to defend the O/M over her husbands pain. The onus of truth is on her regardless of how much it humiliates her.

[Marc878]

Trying to R with a control mindset going in will go over like a lead balloon

[Whoknew30]

I think what people are saying to LL is stop making unilateral decisions​, she honestly has no more idea as to how her husband will react as we do, unless she has done this before and se n his reaction. Some​ BS want to see and hear everything, some don't want to see​ or hear anything. It's not up to her once she confess. Have it all ready to show him believe it or not, will start to build his trust back.

 

Having a WS who isn't trying to hide things or play protect the BS (which is really self preservation) doesn't help. Maybe the short term. In all honesty cheating rarely ends marriage, it's the crap that comes with the cover-up.

 

LL save whatever you have, don't delete anything. The preparation is important because if you don't you will TT. TT is so damaging. So the fine line is not giving​ what he hasn't asked for, but at the same time not leaving anything out. You don't want to reset the clock with every conversation.

 

Completely disagree! Erase everything!

 

There is no preparation to tell a BS...it's sit down & tell them. A WS should only be ready to sit down & tell when they're ready to be a 100% which doesn't mean having to shove photos in their face.

 

It's not called covering up if one sits down & tell your spouse you're having an A. Cover up is when a BS catch their spouse having an A & they proceed to lie about it.

 

OP...If you're confessing there's no need to save evidence, your H is going to believe that you had sex with someone else, when you tell him. You're trying to change your life & start living right, there's no need to twist the knife, after you stick it in. Be open & honest (of course) but you don't have to save pictures & texts to do that.

[Mr. Lucky]

Be open & honest (of course) but you don't have to save pictures & texts to do that.

 

I think in this digital/social media day and age, once the shock wears off most BS are going to ask "are there emails, texts or pictures ?".

 

While I don't know what the right answer is in this (or any other) case, I'd guess it's not "yes but I destroyed them in preparation for this discussion".

 

I think you have to accept in advance the truth is going to be ugly, painful and initially devastating. But it's the least a BS deserves...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

Completely disagree! Erase everything!

 

There is no preparation to tell a BS...it's sit down & tell them. A WS should only be ready to sit down & tell when they're ready to be a 100% which doesn't mean having to shove photos in their face.

 

It's not called covering up if one sits down & tell your spouse you're having an A. Cover up is when a BS catch their spouse having an A & they proceed to lie about it.

 

OP...If you're confessing there's no need to save evidence, your H is going to believe that you had sex with someone else, when you tell him. You're trying to change your life & start living right, there's no need to twist the knife, after you stick it in. Be open & honest (of course) but you don't have to save pictures & texts to do that.

What does honest mean to a BS who just found out Thier spouse isn't who they thought they were? The word means nothing.

 

Again, we all know affairs today are done mostly electronically​, her husband will know there was text messages, emails, pictures, maybe videos.

 

LL listen, what you do surrounding your confession is vital to what happens in the marriage. Deleting anything is dumb, he will ask. It's also attempting to control the outcome and how he veiws you...you gave up that right once you cheated. Confession is loving, because it's showing that you care just enough about him to allow him to decide what's best for him.

 

However you do it, there is no guarantee. Yet, one way will lead to an authentic life no matter the outcome, the other will lead you to being stuck with regrets and saying stuff like I will always love my AP, a decade later.

[mikeylo]

OK, I gave up reading posts after the first 3 pages.

It seems you (Life lessons) don't seem to take any good suggestions to heart.

You "Like" anyone suggesting to cover up your dirt.

You are the worst type of cheater.

In it for themselves, and then think of themselves AGAIN after the poop hits the fan. But me, but I, me, me..

I see no point in anyone giving you any more suggestions.

Their all telling you to fess up, but you make excuses to not do it.

You didn't have excuses NOT have an affair, you just smoothly jumped into it. Did you say to yourself "Hmmm, let me think about it.. Hmm, I see NO consequences, I'll cheat".

 

 

Listen,when my Lexus has engine problems, I don't hide the fact it has a problem, and I certainly don't say "It's going to cost me too much" As that will just causing further damage each day I drive it.

 

 

So, I get the damn thing repaired, and I PAY FOR IT !.

 

 

For Pete's sake, just PAY for what you did. You will only pay for it once.

 

 

Sooner or later he will find out.

Yes, we guys, and girls, are slow at times. But that's because we have trust in our relationships.

But, man, once there's a little blood in the water, its like Sharks feeding frenzy.

We wont stop till we hit pay DIRT !.

It will be too late then.

 

 

Tell him, and now, not later.

And Don't delete Anything. We aren't that stupid, like.. "We only just kissed"..

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Right !.

Your 100% bad and nasty at the moment. Fess up, and gain a little respect.

If not from your H, then for YOUSELF, and others

 

 

Superchicken Ted.

 

This.

 

So a guy chases you persistently and you start an affair ? Yeah, you have to pay the price.Be it losing your job and living with less than you can, giving up luxuries, cutting down on a lot and hunting for a new one, alongwith making it up to your husband , regaining his trust, respect etc.

 

Its a bit of hard work,hey !

[Just a Guy]

Hi Life lessons, I think it will be cathartic for yo to finally confess to your husband about your affair. For so long you had avoided the issue but one way or another one's chickens come home to roost. Consider yourself lucky that you still have a chance to confess on your own rather than your husband getting to know about your affair through other means. A lot of good advice has been given to you but finally this battle is going to be you alone facing the consequences of what you have done once you have confessed to your husband. In such situations one should hope for the best but expect the worst. You will have to gather up your courage, pray to the Almighty for forgiveness for your indiscretions and for strength to face the coming storm. I wish you all the very best as you move forward with this. Remember, you are about to deliver a deadly blow to your husband and so remember to do this as compassionately as you can. My best wishes to you.

 

Unforseen, I have not been able to understand how you have reconciled with your WW after the way you discovered her affair and the emotions you say you went through. For me infidelity would be a deal breaker but I can understand that there are some cases where, when a WS expresses true and deep remorse and circumstances are such that the BS may be convinced that his/her WS was more a victim rather than a proactive cheater, that reconciliation may work and be successful. I have seen many cases here where a BS has reconciled with the WS but there was no true remorse on the part of the WS and things were just swept under the carpet. I think that is one of the worst things that a BS can do to himself/herself. Maybe there were extenuating circumstances in your case but from what you have written this does not seem to be the case. Sorry for the T/J but this was something puzzling me for a while. Warm wishes to all.

[Whoknew30]

I think in this digital/social media day and age, once the shock wears off most BS are going to ask "are there emails, texts or pictures ?".

 

While I don't know what the right answer is in this (or any other) case, I'd guess it's not "yes but I destroyed them in preparation for this discussion".

 

I think you have to accept in advance the truth is going to be ugly, painful and initially devastating. But it's the least a BS deserves...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

One shouldn't keep anything like that once they choose to end their A in the first place...so it wouldn't be "I got rid of them for preparation" it would be "I let everything from A go"...a WS only keeps that sort of thing bc their hanging on.

 

A WS flushing everything from an A is not trying to hide from the truth...they're trying to change their behavior which is positive.

[aileD]

It baffles me why people in affairs even keep these things.

 

My H wouldn't even let her take a photo with him, so there wasn't any to delete.

[Whoknew30]

What does honest mean to a BS who just found out Thier spouse isn't who they thought they were? The word means nothing.

 

Again, we all know affairs today are done mostly electronically​, her husband will know there was text messages, emails, pictures, maybe videos.

 

LL listen, what you do surrounding your confession is vital to what happens in the marriage. Deleting anything is dumb, he will ask. It's also attempting to control the outcome and how he veiws you...you gave up that right once you cheated. Confession is loving, because it's showing that you care just enough about him to allow him to decide what's best for him.

 

However you do it, there is no guarantee. Yet, one way will lead to an authentic life no matter the outcome, the other will lead you to being stuck with regrets and saying stuff like I will always love my AP, a decade later.

 

Keeping things just to tell a BS makes no sense.

 

Authentic means being honest...that starts with a confession. Deleting anything shows she's not holding on to AP...which is best for herself in general.

 

Let's be honest, doesn't matter how upset a BS is the WS is also trying to be better for themselves (or should be) & cutting everything from an A is positive for them. The WS doesn't have to stop making positive changes for themselves bc they're confessing.

 

If anyone is truly trying to cut out a toxic relationship, first thing is always gets rid of any kind of ties to the other person. Not save them just in case your BD wants to see...so now a WS shouldn't cut out everything before a confession just in case their BS wants to see it. I'm confused, do you not think a husband is going to believe their wife when she sits down & says "I had sex with someone else"?

 

What's the point of checking anything? Saying it is pretty cut & dry. I understand if the WS is caught & lying. but usually when someone confesses they're doing it for a change & to hold on to anything is just pushing them to keep thinking of AP...counter productive to this particular poster. She's trying to get away from AP.

[QuietDan]

You are in a Catch 22 situation with the pictures. Your husband is going to be imagining that the other young man is built like a body builder and hung like a horse. The fact that you kept the pictures if a body and his package proudly displayed strongly suggest that rhis is the case. Deleted pictures will confirm his fear. Your attempt to destroy all the evidences will probably reinforce his reasons to doubt your honesty and your level of truthfulness. If you don't delete the pictures....he see's them, his worse fears are goong to probably be realized. But, you will appear to bemore honest. You won't be able to lie and minimize, you will appear to be more truthful and honest. Some credibility of what you say will appear to be more truthful. In part, because you have taken away a temptation to lie and minimize about this particular subject. Maybe your husband won't ask and won't want to see. As I see it, the only path for you in this area is to not delete them. Odds are, one or the other if your learns who he is, he is going to find whatever public photos are on the general internt. If he is as proud of his physical attributes as I suspect he is, the pictures of him posing in a swim suit probably isn't going to leave much for the imagination... What are the odds he will find out who the other young single man are?

[DKT3]

Keeping things just to tell a BS makes no sense.

 

Authentic means being honest...that starts with a confession. Deleting anything shows she's not holding on to AP...which is best for herself in general.

 

Let's be honest, doesn't matter how upset a BS is the WS is also trying to be better for themselves (or should be) & cutting everything from an A is positive for them. The WS doesn't have to stop making positive changes for themselves bc they're confessing.

 

If anyone is truly trying to cut out a toxic relationship, first thing is always gets rid of any kind of ties to the other person. Not save them just in case your BD wants to see...so now a WS shouldn't cut out everything before a confession just in case their BS wants to see it. I'm confused, do you not think a husband is going to believe their wife when she sits down & says "I had sex with someone else"?

 

What's the point of checking anything? Saying it is pretty cut & dry. I understand if the WS is caught & lying. but usually when someone confesses they're doing it for a change & to hold on to anything is just pushing them to keep thinking of AP...counter productive to this particular poster. She's trying to get away from AP.

 

Saying it means jack. Seeing a few emails where my wife was telling OM how horrible she feels was priceless, and by far outweighed the ones where she spoke about enjoying the bike ride.

 

After confession there is no trust, your beliefs are based on trust. It's extremely niave for any WAS to think Thier words carry much weight.

[DKT3]

LL, all the back and forth aside, the bottom line we all agree on, be honest, show as much empathy as possible and don't not blame shift, sure you likely had issues, but this isn't the platform to discuss those....Even if it doesn't feel like it, confession is the best thing for your husband, even if he says he wishes you didn't tell him. GOOD LUCK

[Whoknew30]

Saying it means jack. Seeing a few emails where my wife was telling OM how horrible she feels was priceless, and by far outweighed the ones where she spoke about enjoying the bike ride.

 

After confession there is no trust, your beliefs are based on trust. It's extremely niave for any WAS to think Thier words carry much weight.

 

My beliefs are based on logic. If my H is sitting me down to tell me that he's having an A & wants to work on our marriage, logically I assume he already erased everything to part ways from the AP...logically, it makes sense that anyone that keeps messages is only doing so bc the relationship has either not completely ended or a WS is still deep down hanging on. No one confesses with the thought "oh maybe my BS will want to see the sex pics". Usually when those are "found" it's bc the WS was caught.

 

Waiting to show a BS the messages is just "show" IMO bc if one was really changing behavior there should have been no reason to hold on to anything from AP.

 

Saying I've been having sex with someone shouldn't mean jack...i personally think it's a pretty powerful statement & why confess to just lie? Unless caught a WS doesn't have to tell anything. We're not speaking morally, just reality, no one "has" to do anything.

 

OP..,you're going to do what you want but just remember no one giving advice on here is going to be sitting there when you confess, so you need to do it as you see fit. You're owning that you're having a rough time, you're trying to do the right thing. It's rough stuff & there's no "right or wrong" way to own your wrongs...but this isn't all about your BS either. It's about you changing bc you want to change & learning from all of this too. The ultimate goal when anyone makes a bad choice is to learn from it & become a better version of yourself...regardless if you marriage survives or not.

[AlwaysGrowing]

My beliefs are based on logic. If my H is sitting me down to tell me that he's having an A & wants to work on our marriage, logically I assume he already erased everything to part ways from the AP...logically, it makes sense that anyone that keeps messages is only doing so bc the relationship has either not completely ended or a WS is still deep down hanging on. No one confesses with the thought "oh maybe my BS will want to see the sex pics". Usually when those are "found" it's bc the WS was caught.

 

Waiting to show a BS the messages is just "show" IMO bc if one was really changing behavior there should have been no reason to hold on to anything from AP.

 

Saying I've been having sex with someone shouldn't mean jack...i personally think it's a pretty powerful statement & why confess to just lie? Unless caught a WS doesn't have to tell anything. We're not speaking morally, just reality, no one "has" to do anything.

 

OP..,you're going to do what you want but just remember no one giving advice on here is going to be sitting there when you confess, so you need to do it as you see fit. You're owning that you're having a rough time, you're trying to do the right thing. It's rough stuff & there's no "right or wrong" way to own your wrongs...but this isn't all about your BS either. It's about you changing bc you want to change & learning from all of this too. The ultimate goal when anyone makes a bad choice is to learn from it & become a better version of yourself...regardless if you marriage survives or not.

 

Your beliefs are just like anyone elses....an opinion. . They are not based on any "higher" logic than anyone elses.

 

Not destroying communication is about giving the BS choice. It is acknowledging that maybe I (WS) do not know what is best. It is accepting that I (WS) have not acted with integrity therefore I (WS) would like your input into what is best for you/us.

 

That is not to say that a WS has to keep all that stuff on their devices. It can be downloaded and saved somewhere else and handed part and parcel to the BS.

[DKT3]

Many times the confession is just as selfish as the affair, and like the affair not done in the best interest of the BS.

 

In this case I believe it's a mixture of both, LL I believe, feels that if she doesn't confess she will be found out and shamed, seems like the fear maybe s mostly work based, and how it will impact OM.

 

Point is, it's far from logical to expect a BS to take your word after you say I've been lying and cheating. And in this case, not strong enough or willing to actually end it on my own.

 

If this belief were highly logical then so many marriages wouldn't end because of infidelity, so many people wouldn't be telling newly discovered BS to verify everything, and only believe actions. No that belief is fantasy based. Here in the real world, people lie and minimize to get what they want, people try to mode the image in which they wish to be seen instead of living the life that would achieve the same genuine results.

[Horton]

If somebody confessed something awful they had done to you behind your back and that person then admitted that they had in fact destroyed the only evidence of their misdeeds prior to their confession, would you deem them as being adequately sincere in their remorse? I know I sure wouldn't, but maybe that's just me.

 

Nobody here(as far as I can tell) is advising you to wave a handful of porno shots in the face of a freshly shell shocked husband, all people are saying is that deleting the photos/texts/emails etc. before your confession is simply a continuation of the same self focused mindset that allowed you to justify having an affair in the first place and that doing so will make you that much less credible to your husband who will already be struggling to believe anything you have to say given the secret life you've been living behind his back.

 

Actual remorse may take many forms, but it won't look like you continuing to decide whats best for your BH. You're his wife not his mommy, it's not your place to decide what he should and shouldn't know. Another poster pointed out how you constantly "like" any posts advising you to continue your deception in one form or another, whether it's not confessing at all or simply covering your tracks before you confess. I've noticed that too, not just from you, but many others in your position do that as well.

 

The most likely explanation is that having lived this way for so long, deception has now become second nature to you. Your sense of right and wrong has been so warped by your refusal to live authentically that you now find yourself drawn to any voice which echos what your new nature wishes to hear. You've been following that voice for some time now and look at where it's gotten you, a betrayed husband, a guilty conscience and an AP who keeps coming back for more cause he knows you're the same woman you were during your affair. Nothing has changed and nothing will change until you decide that you've had enough of living this way.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Luckily...my affair was back when we had no internet or cell phones....so I had nothing I needed to get rid of...except a newpaper clipping of the OM....and i did get rid of it along with his business card which had his phone number.

 

I talked to John about this today....and asked him his thoughts about this.

He said to me...my getting rid of the newspaper clipping and business card...showed him that i was done with the OM.

 

Funny...I kindof thought he might be on board with the rest of the guys and say keep all the information to share. My gut instinct would be to advise to keep the information should the betrayed spouse want to see it.

 

But after talking with John...perhaps getting rid of all of the stuff is a good thing?

 

I guess the bottom line is...we all have different opinions on how to handle our infidelities....and none of us can know what is best for our own betrayed spouses. The important thing is that when we tell...we are sincere...and if we are not sincere...then why bother? We need to evaluate WHY we are confessing...and whose best interest we have at heart. When I confessed...I did so expecting that John would kick me out. I knew that I could move back home to my parents home because I told my mom before I told John. I did not work outside the home...

I told John...I understand that you need to do what is best for you...and I honestly think...it was the right thing to say. He knew I meant it. I also told him that i had told my parents....so he knew that he could talk to them...and my parents completely supported him. I was the one who had committed adultery...and even though I was their daughter and they loved me....they knew I was the one who had wronged John. I was accountable...and I never blamed him for what i had done.

 

Is attitude and sincerity more important than keeping all of the evidence that prove you cheated? I think it might just be.

 

If LL has all of the evidence...but she is not sincere...she is not accountable....she is not transparent...what good is the evidence except to help a lawyer prove a case.

 

LL...concentrate on the things that will help you show your spouse you are done with the OM. Concentrate on how you can help him heal from the pain you are causing him. Concentrate on how to make yourself a better person ...to fix what is broken that allowed you to become a wayward wife in the first place.

 

If you truly are not 100% committed to reconciliation...then get a divorce....if you dont love your husband...get a divorce. If you dont have your husbands best interest at heart...get a divorce.If you are still thinking about yourself....and worried about you...then get a divorce.

 

Reconciliation means putting your spouses best interest before your own...and that can involve a lot of things. The great thing is this...if he too feels the same way...you both win.

 

Give him time...answer his questions....and put him first....devote yourself to helping him heal from the pain you have caused him.

[Mr. Lucky]

My beliefs are based on logic. If my H is sitting me down to tell me that he's having an A & wants to work on our marriage, logically I assume he already erased everything to part ways from the AP...logically, it makes sense that anyone that keeps messages is only doing so bc the relationship has either not completely ended or a WS is still deep down hanging on. No one confesses with the thought "oh maybe my BS will want to see the sex pics". Usually when those are "found" it's bc the WS was caught.

 

Waiting to show a BS the messages is just "show" IMO bc if one was really changing behavior there should have been no reason to hold on to anything from AP.

 

Saying I've been having sex with someone shouldn't mean jack...i personally think it's a pretty powerful statement & why confess to just lie? Unless caught a WS doesn't have to tell anything. We're not speaking morally, just reality, no one "has" to do anything.

 

Whoknew30, if you found out after confessing that you hadn't completely purged all the pictures/texts/emails (some hiding in your Drafts file, for example) and your BS had expressed an interest is seeing any communication - would you show it to him ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Life lessons]

So much respect for you right now! Just had to get that out of the way.

 

Mindfulness is the first thing that comes to mind. It will almost feel like an out of body experience. How to start? I would open with something along the lines of this is going to hurt you but I want you to know I love you and I want your forgiveness, I'm so sorry. Then, I've been unfaithful.

 

It's interesting that you are too weak to tell OM no but you are brave enough to confess to the affair. THAT is powerful! But don't say that to your h.

 

Be prepared to answer why. I'm wondering why, may I ask? Why did you have an affair?

 

Thanks for your words!

 

You know, I never thought about it the way you have mentioned above....it is indeed interesting that I'm so weak and vulnerable to OM, but brave enough to confess. Something to ponder!

 

That's what's still difficult for me! I don't have the answer to "why!"