fishoutofwater Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Feels strange yet oddly liberating sharing my most private details of my current situation and throwing it out there for the world to see.... My story starts around Christmas time this past year. My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married 8. We met in college & my husband moved from Florida to NY to build a life with me and start his career. Our marriage has had its ups and downs including struggles with infertility but I always was confident in my husbands love and devotion to me. As the years rolled on I noticed my husband dealing with seasonal depression. The initial thrill of moving to the big city began to fade and the harsh winters really took their toll on him. It was something I noticed but it was never a huge cause of concern. That was until this year... In December we started IVF which was a joint decision and was always something my husband in particular was looking to pursue. Treatment was tough and my husband was there by my side through it all. We successfully created a healthy embryo and were ready to start phase 2 of the process when my world came crashing down. Days after xmas my husband turned 39. He appeared a bit down on that day but I figured it was normal given he was entering his last year before turning 40. Almost immediately after things went downhill quickly. He became depressed, obsessive over the weather, would cry if it would rain or be grey out. He expressed his feelings of lacking any confidence, hating his job, started experiencing panic attacks and his sleeping patterns changed. At first I thought it was depression and the last thing I thought was that whatever he was experiencing had anything to do with me or our marriage! He began seeing a therapist and his issues began evolving into new issues. He expressed an overwhelming feeling of being trapped and suffocated. He felt I was too dependent on him and I didnt allow him the room to do things apart from one another like being with friends. Things went from bad to worse quick and that was when he requested a month long separation to allow him to be selfish and do what he wanted and give him the opportunity to miss me and feel the distance. It killed me to watch him walk away but there was no stopping him. At the end of the month he returned and I immediately could tell that this was not over and there would be no fairy tale reunion. Within a week of coming home he pronounced very matter of factly that he did not feel the same way for me anymore and that he no longer wanted to live in NY. He wanted to move to California where it would be sunny all the time and he would be able to start living the life he wished he had. Devastation. Crying. Pleading. Begging. I tried everything. At first I thought it was a bad nightmare but every day he became more and more certain that this was the way it was and hes not going to change his mind. So here we are today, we are still living together but he is staying in the guest bedroom and we barely acknowledge each other. He is hardly home, spends any idle time either at the gym, playing basketball, with friends. Its like he is allergic to our home and to me. I live my days in a constant state of fear and panic waiting for him to make his next move. I am seeing a therapist and his opinion is he is dealing with a Mid life crisis and I need to accept that our old relationship is over and I need to Get a life and let him go. I'm torn between holding out hope that one day he will wake up and pushing myself to move on to free myself from this torture. I love this man and cant believe that he would do this to me and to our marriage. He hasn't said the words "I want a divorce" but its clear he wants out. While he seems adamant in his decision he not actually made a plan to a)move to California b)find a new job in California c) move out of our current apartment or d)discuss seeing a lawyer. So I'm basically living my life in a constant state of limbo waiting for him to actually make the bold move. Would love any words of wisdom and to hear an outside opinion on my situation Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Hi fishoutofwater. Sorry to hear what you're going through. As I read it, the only sane thing to do that is within your own and exclusive power to do is to take back control of the situation and of your own life. Say to him, "HEY! You're going or you're staying...let me know by the end of the week, wouldya? I need to make my own plans for the rest of my own life." Just like that, or a little bit different. . It won't make things any worse, by the sounds of it. But it will be your statement that you are not going to walk on eggshells around him, nor let him run the show while you cower and wimper in the corner hoping that he doesn't do what he seems intent on doing. Instead of waiting for him to take you out of limbo, take yourself out of limbo. 'Limbo' ain't no place to live, don't you agree? If he is going to leave in any case, then, in the long run, sooner than later will be far easier on your heart and mind and soul. I know it's far easier to say, sitting on this side of the keyboard. I do know that. Sending angels of strength and wisdom. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tess92 Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 Hello, First of all what you need to come to terms with it is not your fault. Before I even married my husband, he seemed to suffer from anxiety and depression. Let me clarify, I dated my husband for 8 years and 8 months, and I've only been married for 4 months. Last Wednesday he decided to leave with a mere text. He kept saying to me I want to travel alone. I was holding onto him, and it's so hard not to see him everyday. But what he put me through was hell. All I want to say is find a set of friends, or family, and rely on them for a little while. Take yourself out of the environment where you're living with him. I'm so sorry and I'm hugging you from afar. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 While he seems adamant in his decision he not actually made a plan to a)move to California b)find a new job in California c) move out of our current apartment or d)discuss seeing a lawyer. So I'm basically living my life in a constant state of limbo waiting for him to actually make the bold move. I'm going to paraphrase a greater thinker than I and say that, since you don't know what he will do, you can only prepare for what he can do. Any one of the four options would end your marriage. So I think Ronni's advice is solid - rather than waiting, time to act. I'd take it a step further and see a lawyer simply to understand your rights as you may have some fairly heart-wrenching decisions to make about IVF and your embryos. Keep posting... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snflwrgrl Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 When my husband told me he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce I was sitting on our living room couch and I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was devastated. I loved him! and I did not want a divorce. I want to commend you on your love for your husband and your commitment to your marriage. That's wonderful! and like a rare pearl nowadays. I spoke to my pastor and to a Christian counselor and they both gave me support and valuable resources to try to save my marriage. I have since heard of a website called the National Institute of Marriage (NIM). The reason they caught my eye was because they use an example on their website of one spouse wanting a divorce and telling the other person they do not love them anymore and don't think they should be together. :'( You can reach them at 1-866-875-2915. I also want to ask you if you have suggested your husband see his doctor? From some of the behavior you're describing there may be more going on with him. I know you mentioned that both of you have separate therapists. Is there any chance your husband would be willing to go to couples counseling? If your husband insists on getting a divorce, have you considered suggesting a legal separation? A legal separation will give you both some extra time to think about the issue. If you can possibly help it, don't rush it. I've been there! I hoped it was just a bad dream many times too. But I want to tell you do not lose hope! I will be praying for you, that God will soften your husband's heart and open up your communication. Be blessed and take care of yourself. Hugest hug ever! Link to post Share on other sites
Author fishoutofwater Posted May 3, 2017 Author Share Posted May 3, 2017 Thank you to all who replied and for giving me solid advice/hugs/support snflwrgril, your reply in particular brought tears to my eyes. I have never been a religious person but in this difficult time have reconnected with God and have been finding peace in church. I wish I had done it sooner. I agree that it does sound like something bigger may be going on with my husband. In the beginning stages I recommended on multiple occasions that he see our primary care doctor but he refused. His behavior was alarming on many occasions especially seeing him break down in tears if it was a rainy day, or when he would be in a panic state pacing back and forth feeling paranoid, like he cant breathe & sobbing. I suggested that medication could be the answer but again he refused saying he wasnt going to start taking pills. Some of this could be from his upbringing his mother isnt into traditional medicine and much more into homeopathic remedies. Or maybe he felt a certain amount of shame behind it. Who knows. At a certain point though after trying to weeks I had to give up. He told me "you keep trying to fix me and thats just not going to happen so stop!" And I realized that it was true there was nothing I could do and he is the only one who can bring himself out of it. In terms of counseling we started this process going to a marriage counselor together which I found helpful at first. He identified some areas we were both unhappy with and I made changes thinking that would be the magic solve. As time passed we just ended up going over the same issues over and over again. The therapist suggested a temporary separation to give him the time he needed and at the end of the agreed upon month is when he came back home and within days proclaimed he still didnt feel right and just doesnt feel the same anymore. He's convinced and theres no one who is going to tell him otherwise. Thats when we started seeing the therapist seperately because it wasnt constructive together. The therapists opinion is that its some sort of mid life crisis mixed with depression/anxiety disorder. I will look up that website you suggested and love any resources that help guide me through this journey.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snflwrgrl Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 It's okay that you didn't do it sooner. What matters is that you're doing it now! =) Thank you for acknowledging my reply. That meant a lot to me! You can come alongside a person in a whole new way when you have lived through an experience similar to the one they are going through. You are going to be able to do that for someone one day. God never wastes a hurt! It sounds like you've done and are doing everything you can! I'm so glad you are going to look at that website. I think it will really help you. After I replied to your post, I kept thinking about you. That's why I looked at it again today to see if you had replied. I have been on this website for a month or more but this is the first time someone has been on my mind like you have been. So when I say I am going to be praying for you, I most certainly am. You are not alone in this! Hang in there! Your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 Two things come to mind 1) Seasonal Affective Disorder and 2) Can you not just move to California with him? What is keeping you stuck in NY? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 (edited) Two things come to mind 1) Seasonal Affective Disorder and 2) Can you not just move to California with him? What is keeping you stuck in NY? I'm not sure that I would uproot my life to move to California. If he is depressed in NY, he will just be depressed on the beach in California. I have a friend who moved to a new city in an attempt to save her marriage... her marriage failed anyway and now she is stuck in an unfamiliar city with no family, no friends, and no support. The SAD is just one of the problems you have to deal with in your marriage... and these problems will follow you wherever you go... Best wishes. Edited May 5, 2017 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
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