Feeling like this is too much -- But I LOVE him. Could you get past this?

[lexieco]

So I need to vent and figure out how to deal with my current issues. Backstory. I got engaged to my ‘fiance’ within 6 months of meeting him. It was a whirlwind romance. I moved in with him and basically changed my entire life to be with him. We got civilly married without anyone but his family around. However, this happened despite some major red flags.

Including a broken bone I suffered while we were arguing and I tried to push past him and leave. He used his body to block me and I fell and broke a bone.

 

He felt awful and took me to the hospital and I had to have surgery. I didn’t want to press charges but after few months I realized that could be the best thing that could happen. He needed a wake up call. He wasn’t physically abusive ever, but very verbally abusive and controlling.

 

I quietly worked with the police while living with him and not telling him. He was arrested eventually and the day they arrested him I balled my eyes out. I felt awful. I felt like I set him up. I took off 2 hours away and stayed with girlfriends. He cut off all my access to money and left me with nothing. Even suggested he would sue me. During this time he was able to get a lawyer to ‘nullify’ our marriage since he found a flaw in how it was filed.

 

Well, we got back together. And he said he would just say that we were engaged to people who didn’t know and I went back to living with him.

I helped him get the charges dropped and he’s moved on. However, his professional reputation suffered too. He blames me for all of it. He says that everyone he knew said that they have fights like this with their spouse and they would NEVER get their spouse arrested. They all look at me like i’m the devil. They have no sympathy for me.

 

His kids are teenagers and they won’t speak to me. He celebrates holidays with his family by himself. He says that it will take time for us to mend fences and i need to be patient.

 

Now, things are even more complicated. We are no longer legally married and I am supporting him. Even paying his mortgage while he tries to rebuild the business that suffered during the charges. But, that means I am basically spending every last dime I have on him/us and when I mention that I want to be married again — he says that he is not willing to set a wedding date until he sees improvement in my behavior.

 

He says since I drink 3 glasses of wine sometimes a night — that I am a heavy drinker (I do NOT get drunk) and that I need to stop drinking all together. Also, my level of outward happiness is a concern for him. He thinks I look too serious and that I have an internal struggle that I am not telling him about and he ‘fears me’.

 

LASTLY, my willingness to continue paying all the bills (until he recovers financially) is also part of his judgement of whether he will marry me again. He says if I start putting money aside for myself — that it’s a sign that I’m not fully committed to him the way a wife should be.

 

He says that he’s telling people how much I am helping him with money — i.e. his family and kids — as a way to try to make them accept me again.

 

The worst part for me — is how he is controlling so much. I am jealous in relationships but i’m very nervous that my whole ‘normal meter’ is off. on my part too. HE doesn’t want me going anywhere without him. Anywhere. The other day we ran into a girlfriend of mine. She talked to him — the next day she asked if we could grab a drink and catch up. He was very much against it. I blew her off because I could tell that he was not okay with it.

 

He doesn’t go anywhere without me typically because he says he doesn’t want me doing it. So, he avoids happy hours etc for work because he says he wouldn’t want me to do it. So he throws it in my face. HOWEVER, now — when he mentions that he might have something like that — I internally get jealous….I don’t feel good about it. I REALLY feel worried. I don’t feel I can trust him.

 

The biggest reason I think is because when we broke up during the charges and got back together he told me that he hadn’t been with ANY women. He said he went out with his guy friends but only went on one date. He SWORE that was it.

 

I said I went on a few dates but that I couldn’t go past that because I was such a mess without him. And that was the truth.

 

But, when I came back in the house (when I moved back in) I found condoms in his drawer (we didn’t use them ever) AND tampons in the bathroom drawer in HIS master bathroom. A BOX of Tampons and at least 6 were gone.

 

He says that I just like to “start trouble” and I must feel guilty about what “I DID” because I am making up stories in my head.

 

He said the condoms had always been there and the tampons MUST HAVE BEEN THE HOUSEKEEPERS!

 

Yeah — NO.

 

So, I feel extremely uncomfortable worrying about him and his actions. I worry that the reason he guards me so much is because what HE might do?

 

Sorry this is so long, but I need honest perspective here. I was MISERABLE when we broke up. I hated being away from him and no one seemed to compare to him. He has a lot of great qualities. Most people meet him and think he’s successful (he is EXTREMELY educated and had great career) — gorgeous, and charming.

 

But, they don’t know how mean he can be. “I” questioned why he was not showing me something on his computer last night — and he got very angry and said “why don’t you just leave me then”.

 

He constantly says “just end this nightmare” when we are fighting. Then if I say okay and head for the door he is begging me back and telling me he was just testing to see how much I WANT to be with him. And that the fact that I would leave THAT fast shows I am not very committed to him and that I am not marriage material and “everyone was right about me”.

 

So, the hard truth is i am currently giving every dime to my ‘fiance’ who refuses to set a wedding date right now and is very controlling.

 

Just yesterday (I counted) he asked me what I was doing on my phone NINE TIMES in 30 minutes. I was in the back seat of the car and he couldn’t see what i was googling so he was all over my ass.

 

And he will literally say sarcastically (supposed to be half joke) “i see all the love is gone — it’s gone? 50 percent from yesterday?” “Wow, look at your lips — you have the look of a serious person who is not happy — you lips say it all” “Your eyes look like they are lost in DEEP thought — are you plotting the next man you want to be with?” “You seem SO unhappy! Why aren’t you smiling more and touching me?”

 

I often hear ALL Of those comments within an 8 hour time span at least 2- 3 times.

 

I am getting very angry internally. I have asked him to please not do that — and I start to get aggitated and that will only feed it MORE.

 

What is your advice please? I’m 41 years old. He’s 50.

[somanymistakes]

why are you anywhere near this guy

can you not hear the voice of your common sense screaming at you from the back of your mind?

 

You KNOW this is a dreadfully unhealthy situation. You KNOW he's controlling you. You KNOW he sees himself as superior to you and always will, and will always, always push you around and take advantage of you.

 

You gave him way more than enough chance to change his ways with a wakeup call... and then he turned it against you and tried to make himself the victim.

 

He will never be a good partner for you.

[hippychick3]

Please please get away from this abusive man asap!!! There is nothing at all good about this dysfunctional relationship. This is no way to live the rest of your life. You sound like a battered woman. Either move in with your family for now or go to a shelter. Get OUT!!

[lexieco]

The problem is on days like today — I feel the pull to get away. But, I always end up going back. I remember when we broke up I kept thinking of all the mistakes I made in the relationship and wished I could take them back. Of course, I am not perfect.

 

I also thought about how amazing it was that he always wanted to be with me. He sacrificed a lot of his own time and career to help me professionally and to go to work conferences with me. Some said he was trying to “monitor you” and that’s true. But, I read it as his love — he wants to be with me, even when he knows he could be focusing on himself and his career.

 

But, THEN I realize wouldn’t it benefit us both if he would just FOCUS on making money and taking the pressure off of me?

 

What worries me is I am not doing well. The last few days i’ve wondered if there’s something wrong with me. I am not the patient person I normally am — I am snapping. I am getting ANGRY internally in a way that is just not normal for me. I am just not okay.

 

I want to control these emotions and try to be the person he needs for me to be on a consistent basis, but I am losing control over my emotions.

 

HOW do I get the strength to leave and NOT RETURN. I keep thinking he has so much potential. He is on the cusp of making his business great again and by the signs of the past — he will and up with a hot 25 year old who I will forever be jealous of. While we were broken up — my therapist told me to feel bad for that person because I KNOW what she will go through. I guess….