Anyone still longing even after it's been over a long time?

[warmfuzies]

I was the single OW of a MM. I felt I had to cut all ties after many years of back and forth because I was going insane. Our story is like many here. It started innocently enough. I didn't know he was married for about a year but by then I was hooked and I thought he was too. Maybe he was for a little while. It all felt so real and so intimate. He would give me enough crumbs to keep me where I was and I was the fool for settling for so little while he had it all and then some and I had half a life, if that.

 

 

It took an incredible amount of courage and strength a few years ago to end it and it hurt like hell. There is not one day that has gone by without me thinking about him. I wonder if he ever thinks of me as fondly as I think of him. I know the men out there are going to say "Get over it. He stopped thinking of you a long time ago." It's probably the truth but hope springs eternal when you are addicted to the thought of someone who made you the happiest you have ever been.

 

 

I was diagnosed with cancer shortly after I sent the break up email. It took a few years to recover. Stupidly when I was feeling like life was making sense again I reached out to him again. It had been two years so I did not hold out much hope he would contact me...but he did. I could not believe it and I could not have been happier.

 

 

Long story short, we emailed a few times back and forth then he dropped the bomb. Made some excuse about maybe his wife saw our emails and he was closing the email account - the only way I had of communicating with him. He also said he was sorry and that he did feel right going behind her back and that it was not fair to me....and ended it once and forever. Well. I have been reeling ever since. The first two weeks were like breaking up for the first time but things settled down fairly quickly thanks to already having had the strength to go no contact for two years.

 

 

It's true: no new contact = no new pain. But I still long for even the slightest contact.

 

 

Anybody out there as crazy as me? Please don't send me scathing responses. I know it's crazy...but is it? How many other people experienced heaven on earth in the affair and just can't let go even though it's been over for a long time.

[warmfuzies]

...that he did not feel right going behind her back...not that he did feel right

[TamsinB]

I know EXACTLY what you are feeling and it's heartbreaking.

You're stuck and can't move on, I've been there and I'm still there.

Did NC for 2 years and he contacted me out of the blue.

Just had the best and happiest 6 months ever, closer than ever, in contact every day, told me for the first time that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. It was never so blissful and then the bombshell.

He lied to me and after realising he had been exposed he instantly dropped all contact. Im devastated!!!

Long story short. He slipped up and he knew I knew. Initially i wanted to have it out with him but I waited for him to contact me and explain, I suppose I wanted him to tell me it had all been a huge misunderstanding but that never happened.

And because it never happened I was left only with the conclusion that he definitely lied. I don't know if he's too ashamed.

 

I'm just left with so many unanswered questions, my faith and trust has been completely shattered and I don't think I can ever trust another man again.

[whichwayisup]

What were you wishing for to happen by contacting him after 2 years of total NC? To start the affair again? To be 'friends'? To see if he was still married?

 

I really hope you find self love, because opening that door after all the pain you endured with him and surviving cancer, you deserve a man who loves only you and choosing you, not one that stays married and will only give you the time of day on his terms and time frame.

 

Let him go. He's not the one for you. I know you're hurting so please if you can't let go on your own seek counseling.

[deadsoul]

You said it with one word: addiction.

 

So yes, I think all of us in these types of situations have felt it... and finding the self love to know we are worth more is our only hope.

 

Allow yourself to feel the emotions, but not wallow in them or you won't move on.

[Lady2163]

I still miss him as well. The companionship, the camaderie and of course, the sex.

 

We still talk a few times a year and exchange Christmas and Birthday presents. It's a friendship, but I know if we saw each other we would be mutually physically tempted and I wouldn't want to say no.

 

It works for us.

[FoundMyStrength]

A couple of people have mentioned self love and I do think that is key. It's been 8 months and I still have thoughts of him on a daily basis. But now when I think "I wonder if he misses me", I'm able to finish, "but would it really matter since I am never EVER going back to being that woman." I think it helps to get to a point where you love yourself more than you ever loved him. Because that's the point where a MM's table scraps of affection are just plain insulting. We're all better than the pitiful half-baked love they toss our way.

 

I've also found that it helps to remind myself of the more egregiously awful things my xMM said to me. Things that at the time were glossed over by infatuation but in the clear light of day make him sound like a self absorbed jerk.

[jah526]

I was the single OW of a MM. I felt I had to cut all ties after many years of back and forth because I was going insane. Our story is like many here. It started innocently enough. I didn't know he was married for about a year but by then I was hooked and I thought he was too. Maybe he was for a little while. It all felt so real and so intimate. He would give me enough crumbs to keep me where I was and I was the fool for settling for so little while he had it all and then some and I had half a life, if that.

 

 

It took an incredible amount of courage and strength a few years ago to end it and it hurt like hell. There is not one day that has gone by without me thinking about him. I wonder if he ever thinks of me as fondly as I think of him. I know the men out there are going to say "Get over it. He stopped thinking of you a long time ago." It's probably the truth but hope springs eternal when you are addicted to the thought of someone who made you the happiest you have ever been.

 

 

I was diagnosed with cancer shortly after I sent the break up email. It took a few years to recover. Stupidly when I was feeling like life was making sense again I reached out to him again. It had been two years so I did not hold out much hope he would contact me...but he did. I could not believe it and I could not have been happier.

 

 

Long story short, we emailed a few times back and forth then he dropped the bomb. Made some excuse about maybe his wife saw our emails and he was closing the email account - the only way I had of communicating with him. He also said he was sorry and that he did feel right going behind her back and that it was not fair to me....and ended it once and forever. Well. I have been reeling ever since. The first two weeks were like breaking up for the first time but things settled down fairly quickly thanks to already having had the strength to go no contact for two years.

 

 

It's true: no new contact = no new pain. But I still long for even the slightest contact.

 

 

Anybody out there as crazy as me? Please don't send me scathing responses. I know it's crazy...but is it? How many other people experienced heaven on earth in the affair and just can't let go even though it's been over for a long time.

 

The parts in bold seem somewhat conflicting to me, and maybe this is why you are having a hard time letting go. Are you having difficulty seeing the relationship for what it really was? The mere fact alone that he kept from you that he was married for an entire YEAR speaks to someone who is very good at keeping secrets - is this something you really want in a man?

 

I'm sorry for your diagnosis. It must have been incredibly difficult to go through that and maintain NC at the same time. You're a very strong woman.

[carhill]

OP, yeah, did the on and off thing long enough to see a baby have a baby, meaning a generation.

 

Considering your health issue and how long this attachment has gone unresolved, it might be worthwhile to engage a professional to help you gain some tools to process it out.

 

It took me about a year of MC for the stuff to sink in and, once processed out, it's like those times never happened. They're but a dim memory I rarely think of except when seeing posts like yours. So, out 32 years from meeting someone whom I thought was single and wasn't, and about 8 since last contact, peace is a good place to be.

 

You'll get there. Stick with it and don't be afraid to get professional help if you feel stuck.

[Poppy47]

I do still miss him and have feelings for him. Of course. I knew him almost 9 years.

 

Would I go back to the hell hole called an A? NEVER.

 

Poppy.

[Adoraxx]

I miss him so very much too... I still think about him all the time. The A began 9 years ago and it's been NC for good for two months now. I deleted the account, got rid of his gifts, his pics, everything... and I miss him terribly. But I'll never go back to having an A with him. Never.

[MidnightBlue1980]

No, I no longer miss him or have feelings for him. The only feeling I might have is anger or feeling stupid but even that has subsided for the most part.

 

What helped was realizing and truly accepting that it was nothing special; I was nothing special; I was just the one who bit the line. He certainly did not love or care about me - and that was there the whole time, I just was blind to it.

 

I took a grain of sand and made a beach from it. It was all my creation.

 

I read all the stories here about people getting divorced after affairs, because they are so in love with someone else. I'm very lucky I did not get my way, a divorce. I would have really destroyed my life.

 

It's been a year and 5 months since it ended and I can finally say I feel better. It's as if I had a mental illness.

[Overtaxed]

No, I no longer miss him or have feelings for him. The only feeling I might have is anger or feeling stupid but even that has subsided for the most part.

 

What helped was realizing and truly accepting that it was nothing special; I was nothing special; I was just the one who bit the line. He certainly did not love or care about me - and that was there the whole time, I just was blind to it.

 

I took a grain of sand and made a beach from it. It was all my creation.

I read all the stories here about people getting divorced after affairs, because they are so in love with someone else. I'm very lucky I did not get my way, a divorce. I would have really destroyed my life.

 

It's been a year and 5 months since it ended and I can finally say I feel better. It's as if I had a mental illness.

 

Wow, this post is so powerful, thank you Midnight, this is just such a fantastic look into the mind of a WS that I think many others would do very well to read and absorb. People entering into A's are typically on very uneven footing, one person is fishing (typically the male) and probably has 10 lines in the water at any time. The other AP (typically the female) has a million different "baits" above them, and needs to not bite on any of them, because they ALL have hooks in them and lead to a quick trip to the fryer (to continue the fishing analogy).

 

And the "I had a mental illness" thing really hit home for me. I think that may have played a big part in my wife's A, but, either way, the people "fishing" for AP's aren't looking to land a trophy. They're what we'd call "dinner fishing". They'll take anything that bites. And as soon as you bite, all their attention is on you, getting you to the "table" as quickly as possible. It's not that your special, you just got hooked where dozens or hundreds of other people passed on the bait.

 

The sad thing, once your hooked, it's hard to get it out of your mouth. And this is what the people who participate in these things count on, it takes a lot of effort to cultivate an AP for a man, when he's "got one on" he'll make sure to keep that hook set by feeding you "whatever it takes" to keep you on the line.

 

Sorry for the fishing overload and the bluntness, but this post really spoke to me and I wanted to add my penny's worth of commentary.

 

Quick edit. You ARE something special, just not to him. That's a very important point that I just discussed with my W tonight. It's not you, it's them; they are fishing for quantity not quality (in most cases).