My first affair [I don't ever want to have an affair again]

[ztmymmy]

A lot of people are saying 'you must tell him' but I disagree, what does revealing your infidelity to him achieve in terms of the relationship?

 

Well you obviously don't think she should tell, because you were "happy to be seeing someone else outside of my relationship".

 

The relationship is already broken.You obviously have different ideas about makes a good relationship, but in my experience big secrets like this completely destroy it.

 

Besides, even if she feels guilty now, next time OP's unhappy with her marriage she could cheat again, because she never got caught and until she does.Why waste years?

 

The WS made a mistake. If staying silent saves the relationship then that is the right thing to do for them. If they can't handle the burden of guilt and carry it with them then they confess but must be ready for the consequence of doing so.

 

Why stay in an unhappy and/or unfulfilling relationship just for the sake of "saving it"?Why if both of you can be happier with someone else?

[Cephalopod]

Thank you for calling me out on my ****. Some of my friends cheat all the time and tell me I can't tell my husband. But I feel deep down even if he leaves me he deserves the truth. This is so not me. What happened to me? Why am I so fuc*ed up?

 

You lack personal boundaries.

[Lovestreet]

Well here's the thing. The guy lives far away and he leaves very soon. and will probably never return. I don't even have his phone number. We communicated only through messenger. I have the guy on block now. My marriage had already been falling apart. I started also doing some things that I've always wanted to do, music. I literally started doing the things I've always wanted to do. But my husband started hating me for it. Not being at home to wait in his every whim really changed the dynamic. He said he wanted me to do it but now that I have he resents me for it. But I'm not going back. I used to have social anxiety so badly I couldn't go to a bbq without worry. Me being out and doing things has changed me I'm happy. I agree I shouldn't drink so much or at all when I'm out. When it first happened I was pretty hammered. Part of me thinks my marriage is over anyways. When I tell him he's just going to call me names and it's just probably going to implode the marriage. I've thought of not telling him because no one else knows. But I know. And that hurts. I cry everyday. I have a sense of loss, yes for the person I was. Two years ago you couldnt make me believe i would do this!!

[Lovestreet]

I will NEVER EVER cheat again in my life on anybody. This is very much outside of my character. I made a mistake! I fuc*ed up big time but I will not allow myself to become the mistake or have a shady sense of self. I need forgive and love myself and find out when I stopped.

[aliveagain]

Well here's the thing. The guy lives far away and he leaves very soon. and will probably never return. I don't even have his phone number. We communicated only through messenger. I have the guy on block now. My marriage had already been falling apart. I started also doing some things that I've always wanted to do, music. I literally started doing the things I've always wanted to do. But my husband started hating me for it. Not being at home to wait in his every whim really changed the dynamic. He said he wanted me to do it but now that I have he resents me for it. But I'm not going back. I used to have social anxiety so badly I couldn't go to a bbq without worry. Me being out and doing things has changed me I'm happy. I agree I shouldn't drink so much or at all when I'm out. When it first happened I was pretty hammered. Part of me thinks my marriage is over anyways. When I tell him he's just going to call me names and it's just probably going to implode the marriage. I've thought of not telling him because no one else knows. But I know. And that hurts. I cry everyday. I have a sense of loss, yes for the person I was. Two years ago you couldnt make me believe i would do this!!

 

Sure sounds like blame shifting to me. Nothing in your marriage pushed you into the arms of the other man, that was a conscious choice by you, you even went back for more. If your marriage is over anyway why not put it out of it's misery so you can both move on?

[Mrs. John Adams]

As one wayward to another....if you doubt your relationship with your husband....if you are unhappy ....then save yourself and him more heartbreak. Divorce now.

 

Reconciliation without both people being 100% committed will likely fail.

 

I had written a very long post several days ago and deleted it. I could do it again...but I guess I ask myself why? There are so many things to address and I dont think you will really listen anyway.

 

You are blameshifting....and as long as you do not hold yourself 100% accountable for your choices...you will only further damage your husband.

 

YOu like the new you...you have found yourself....and no where do you mention your husband in your new discovery of yourself. That tells you everything in a nutshell.

 

Good luck to you.

[Superchicken]

I will NEVER EVER cheat again in my life on anybody. .

 

"Read My Lips", "No New Tax's". (Look it up for those that don't understand).

God, I'm that old !.

 

 

But back to topic.

You cheated for a reason. No excuse, yada yada (Everyone made great points on this), no reason to harp on it.

 

 

But, you did it for a reason. Its this reason that you need to fix.

Its not me you going to convince when you say you wont cheat.

Its yourself, and only you know yourself, and what you can prevent.

 

 

Like a smoker, one just doesn't just say "That was my last cigarette".

Then, bada boom bada bing your cured..

No, it can reoccur again at anytime. We cant stop who we fall in love with, but we can certainly control our actions, and ACTIONS from others as well.

 

 

You could have stoped it, you didn't. You were, and may still have weak self control, not a bad thing in general, but in this case, it was disastrous.

 

 

Your H sounds like he needs some help too, as I don't see a healthy relationship.

You seem to believe you deserve better, so get some strength, and go for it.

If it means leaving him, or fixing your relationship, then do it. None of us can here.

We give you the help to work on your problems, so sort out what's important to you first, then your H, and make painful decisions.

 

 

However, all this comes at a cost. That's "TRUTH", so all cards must be put on the table. Tell your H everything.

 

 

Ted.

[Chi townD]

.

 

Do you think hanging out with women who cheat on their husband somehow desensitized ME? I feel lower than low so please don't tell me I should feel worse.

 

Nope! They didn't hold a gun to your head. This was a choice that you made. That was 100% on you. But, then again, if you are around women that cheat and it's no skin off their noses, then what do you think the state of their marriages are like? Can they possibly love their husbands and value their marriages if they choose to put everything at risk and it doesn't bother them in the slightest?

 

Even now you are blameshifting. Saying that, basically, your marriage was in the toilet. He was calling you names, criticizing you all the time. Not supportive of the things that make you happy. You're trying to justify your actions with "Well, if my husband wasn't being such a jerk, this probably wouldn't have happened" attitude. All marriages have problems and all marriages fall into ruts sometimes. That's when you talk. That's when you see someone to help heal the divide. Look, if there was a problem in your marriage, he's to blame for 50% of those problems and you need to own up to the other 50%. But; you cheating, that is 100% on you. You need to own that. And you can't say that it was an accident or a mistake because it happened once and YOU WENT BACK AND DID IT AGAIN!!!!

 

I think you will probably need to tell him. But, here's the rub. He probably already knows. He may not know you cheated. But, he's been married to you and known you for such a long period of time that he probably notices something isn't right with you. Something may feel....off to him. If you don't tell him then you run the risk of having this guilt eating you alive. There will always be a big elephant in the room. He'll see you get upset if you two are watching a TV program or a movie where someone is cheating on someone. If you get out of this rut and he does something nice for you and is affectionate towards you, you're going to feel guilty because you may feel that you don't deserve his love or affections. Now, I'm not saying that this is going to happen.....but, it could happen. Different strokes for different folks.

 

you have a lot to think about.

[Overtaxed]

Nope! They didn't hold a gun to your head. This was a choice that you made. That was 100% on you. But, then again, if you are around women that cheat and it's no skin off their noses, then what do you think the state of their marriages are like? Can they possibly love their husbands and value their marriages if they choose to put everything at risk and it doesn't bother them in the slightest?

 

Even now you are blameshifting. Saying that, basically, your marriage was in the toilet. He was calling you names, criticizing you all the time. Not supportive of the things that make you happy. You're trying to justify your actions with "Well, if my husband wasn't being such a jerk, this probably wouldn't have happened" attitude. All marriages have problems and all marriages fall into ruts sometimes. That's when you talk. That's when you see someone to help heal the divide. Look, if there was a problem in your marriage, he's to blame for 50% of those problems and you need to own up to the other 50%. But; you cheating, that is 100% on you. You need to own that. And you can't say that it was an accident or a mistake because it happened once and YOU WENT BACK AND DID IT AGAIN!!!!

 

I think you will probably need to tell him. But, here's the rub. He probably already knows. He may not know you cheated. But, he's been married to you and known you for such a long period of time that he probably notices something isn't right with you. Something may feel....off to him. If you don't tell him then you run the risk of having this guilt eating you alive. There will always be a big elephant in the room. He'll see you get upset if you two are watching a TV program or a movie where someone is cheating on someone. If you get out of this rut and he does something nice for you and is affectionate towards you, you're going to feel guilty because you may feel that you don't deserve his love or affections. Now, I'm not saying that this is going to happen.....but, it could happen. Different strokes for different folks.

 

you have a lot to think about.

 

No, hanging out with other women who cheat did not "desensitize" you. If anything, it should have made you more aware of the dangers. I know a lot of men who cheat, a lot of them serially. What it makes me think "Man, it's easy to get into that" and "I don't want to be where they are" (even though they only tell me the good parts). So I'm hyper-vigilant because I know, it's so easy to find yourself in that situation. Hear these ladies talk about their sexual escapades and think to yourself "Wow, they are broken people" and "I'm so sorry for their husbands". That's what a person who's not looking to cheat hears when they hang out with cheaters.

[Thisguy21]

I disagree with the last two posts. Hanging out with low character individuals probably means you are pretty low character yourself. Birds of a feather. And what do you know, you are all cheaters now! Birds of a feather indeed.

[somanymistakes]

Hanging out with people of a certain character does tend to desensitise you because what you view as 'normal' is affected by who you're around.

 

But it's still your choice to act on it. And for that matter it's your choice to keep hanging out with those people and tacitly approve of their behavior.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lovestreet, you have been given a lot of good advice especially the ones after my last post. I do not know if I really made a correct assessment of your views on infidelity or your image of yourself or also your feelings of remorse. It appeared to be so from some of the things that you wrote but then you posted things about your husband's treatment of you and how he resented your indulging in the things you liked to do. That came across as so0meone trying to justify what they did and more perceptive folks on here were able to call a spade a spade.

 

You have said that you won't cheat on any one else in the future but the fact is that once one does something wrong one's natural first line of defence is breached and the next time something like that presents itself it will become so much easier for you to just slip into infidelity mode. Unless you get help as so many on here have reiterated, you will not remove those causes that made you do something like this.

 

The other important thing is that if you think your marriage is beyond redemption then just cut your losses and divorce your husband. We do not know what kind of man he is. All we know about him is what you have volunteered here. For all practical purposes he may be a fine, upright and decent man but if you do not find him so then there is no need to prolong your agony and his by continuing to hitch your wagon to him. Leave and find the freedom to do as you please as it seems your husband is a big hindrance to letting you spread your wings. Staying married to him and cheating on him is not the answer and if you stay with him without getting help from counselors you are only setting yourself up for failure. Act before it is too late. Yes, do confess your indiscretion to your husband. The chances that he will find out sooner or later are pretty high. Warm wishes.