My first affair [I don't ever want to have an affair again]

[Lovestreet]

Well I started going out a lot and drinking with my friends, it had been so long since I had a social life that I completely got carried away.

 

One night I was totally lit and my friend left me at the bar. I was dancing with a guy who was also married and I thought things were pretty innocent. Fast forward 6 hours and we had gone to his place and I physically cheated on my husband of 9 years. As i was gettiny ready to leave the guy freaked out having realized he cheated on his wife also. It was a **** show and he ended up being pretty rude to me. I was freaked out.

 

I went home and almost spilled the beans. I didn't and even though it was safe I still took plan b because I was scared. 3 weeks later this guy finds me on fb and apologizes to me. We became sort of friends and hung out occasionally with out anything happening besides dancing.

 

Then he offered to give me a ride from the airport. We went out and it happened again. No freaking out but its so much harder this time because I came to know and like him a little as a person but I don't have romantic feelings for him.

 

He deleted his profile we were talking on while leaving me a friend request from his real account. I deleted the request and blocked him because that was the last time for me. I have deep painful regret, and also the last encounter was nothing short of amazing so there's the memories. Once we were out of bed things were ice cold.

 

How do I move on? Will I be ok? Why after 9 years did this happen? Was he truly sorry or just trying to get into bed with me again. Is telling my husband a no No? I feel like it would destroy him!

Edited May 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs ~6

[NTV]

It will but you should still tell him. How much worse will it be if he finds out some other way?

[somanymistakes]

Not telling your husband and letting him find out on his own will do much more damage.

 

You know now that you're capable of betraying your vows under pressure, not once but twice. That's something your husband needs to know about too, because it may happen again in the future.

[Mr. Lucky]

My first affair

 

Are you planning on more than one ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrs. John Adams]

Are you planning on more than one ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I have to admit...this was also my first reaction...my first affair? Good God.....

[Tulipwood]

Lovestreet didn't say "my first of MANY affairs"!

 

I do think though Lovestreet if you don't come clean with your husband you are going to have a lot of guilt and because you are more focused on the other man being sorry or not the potential to cheat again could be very high as you are not coping with healthy skills.

 

Something in your life has broken the marriage boundaries and no one here can tell you why. You have a lot of hard work ahead of you which is where I think counselling would be extremely beneficial.

 

Once you break vows and you hide the deceit a lot of bad will come before any good will shine through and I believe the good can only come until the person who was betrayed knows and help is sought out.

 

I have to admit...this was also my first reaction...my first affair? Good God.....

[harrybrown]

Do you have any remorse at all? once it happened why would you have contact again?

 

Did you use protection?

 

how do you know you did not get pregnant and or give your H stds?

 

How would you feel if your H had an A?

 

you opened the marriage.

 

When are you going to let your H know that he can as well?

 

that is fine with you?

 

write him a letter about all your contact and your actions. let him read it.

 

Was the sex better? was he bigger? Your H will have a horrible time with this. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

 

Do you have children? If not, file for D and let your H go.

[NTV]

I guess I meant to ask.... do you want to be single?

[GoldenR]

The title of your thread....smh....

 

I read this and I don't see remorse or regret. I see a woman that has no business being married. You need therapy, quickly, bc the next time OM calls you you'll be right back in the sack with him if you don't get some help.

 

Your marriage is a sham. You need to come clean and either start over with your H or divorce him.

[Imajerk17]

I have to admit...this was also my first reaction...my first affair? Good God.....

 

Yeah, no kidding. Even World War I was not known as such until *after* World War II.

 

Anyway, what the others said. You put your marriage in serious trouble already, and even worse, you seem to be headed deeper and deeper into your affair. You need to confess to your H.

Edited May 1, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Cephalopod]

So why are you bored with your husband? Does he take you for granted? Did he get fat? Not making enough money or something? Why would you step out on him? Was he home with the kids when this went down....twice?

[Lovestreet]

Yes everything was safe. No this isn't a fake story, and I apologize for the title. It's stupid but I've never posted in a forum before. I don't ever want to have an affair again. This is horrible. Not worth it at all. There's a lot missing because I just didn't know how to say everything.

 

And recently my husband started criticizing everything I do. He drinks too much and right before this all started he shoved me and that's not his normal behavior. Something broke in me that day, I stopped sharing everything with him. We have talked about separating but there is still love there. We do have kids and he doesn't want to leave me.

 

I am not going to see that guy ever again. I blocked him and I feel like he got one over on me. I didn't like most of the responses but that's what you get when you do something wrong. This is all very much out of my character. My husband wouldn't believe it.

 

Do you think hanging out with women who cheat on their husband somehow desensitized ME? I feel lower than low so please don't tell me I should feel worse.

Edited May 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and amended title of thread ~6

[drifter777]

Your title "my first affair" is awfully ominous - are you open to cheating as a concept?

 

Anyway, it sounds as though there is a real chance that your husband is going to find out. I mean, you are still playing with fire because you still want him. You still want to meet him for sex and it seems as though that is foremost in your mind right now. You are kind of whining about him being "ice cold" after sex and obviously feel bad about that. The thing is, he was worse to you after your first roll in the hay and you hooked up with him again so I think all he has to do is booty-call you and you'll be back with him. So, you should consider that when the husband discovers an affair it ends in divorce more often than if the wife just confesses.

 

You really seem to want a long-term affair - maybe a few of them. Why now? Who knows - it's probably something you've been thinking about for a long time. Maybe you want to be single again? Nothing wrong with that - women divorce their husbands all the time.

 

For your sake as well as that of the husband you are betraying you should seriously consider divorce. End it now before you destroy him any further.

[aliveagain]

Seriously? How many affairs are you planning on having? Just my opinion, one affair is one affair too many because nothing in this world will ever make it go away. Even if you confess you will have to explain why you went back for seconds. You have risked your husbands health because you are selfish. The longer you keep this from your husband the less the chances you survive as a family.

[Horton]

Was he truly sorry or just trying to get into bed with me again.

 

If you don't have romantic feelings for him as you said, then why does it matter to you if he was truly sorry?

[BaileyB]

I came to know and like him a little as a person but I don't have romantic feelings for him. I have deep painful regret, and also the last encounter was nothing short of amazing so there's the memories. Once we were out of bed things were ice cold. How do I move on? Will I be ok? Why after 9 years did this happen? Was he truly sorry or just trying to get into bed with me again. Is telling my husband a no No? I feel like it would destroy him!

 

I would say, it happened because you have very poor impulse control. Especially, when you enjoy a little alcohol....

 

It happened the second time, because you didn't learn the lesson the first time...

 

And now, after this man treats you badly and is "ice cold" when you are not between the sheets together... You are asking the question - "Is this only about sex? Does he just want to get you into bed again?" Probably, yes.

 

And yes, you should definitely tell your husband. This other man will bring you nothing but pain... You owe it to your husband to confess and ask for his forgiveness. Good luck.

[Lovestreet]

Thank you for calling me out on my ****. Some of my friends cheat all the time and tell me I can't tell my husband. But I feel deep down even if he leaves me he deserves the truth. This is so not me. What happened to me? Why am I so fuc*ed up?

[harrybrown]

It would be a good idea to go to IC to try to find out.

 

And it would also be a good idea to get away from the influence of the women that cheat on their husbands.

 

If it was my wife, I would like to know.

 

Tell your H so that you can move on from the OM. He is just after the sex and probably has sex with several women.

[Clay]

Get into counceling like yesterday.

 

 

The first thing you have to ask yourself is do you want to stay married or not? If you want to stay married then write everything you did with your affair partner. Times places and yes even positions. Don't skip things. If you do every time your husband learns of something new you will only set the clock back to the first day. The next thing is to sit him down and tell him your self. Don't let him find out through anyone else. If he asks who your affair partner is don't hesitate to give him the guys name and number. Anything you have. If you even pause for a second he will always question your loyalty to him for the rest of your relationship with him.

 

 

Recovering from this will not be easy. It takes up to five years to heal and sometimes even longer. You wont have any privacy. If you go out with girlfriends you can expect his mind will wander and your chances of staying married will lessen. He is going to hurt like he has never had in his life. He will need your constant assurance you will fight for this marriage regardless of what he says. Your probably going to be called a few choice names. Its not going to be easy.

 

 

If you don't want to stay married I would start talking to him about divorce and I would tell him why. The sooner you get it out the less chance you have of there being more surprises in your life. Regardless of either route you take counseling for yourself is a must.

 

 

There is a book called "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda Mcdonald. Order that right away if you plan on trying to fix it.

 

 

If your husband decides he just wants a divorce after you tell him be reasonable. Don't fight for everything. The best thing you can do it that path is to just be as contrite as you possibly can be. Remember you have children together so you will have to still deal with each other for years to come. Another thing to keep in mind is there will come a time your children will learn from this. Be honest with them and show remorse. They need to see this is wrong. If lie to them it will be the same as if you cheated on them too.

 

 

I think your biggest mistake was going and meeting up with the guy a second time. If he is married I would gather everything you can about him and give it to your husband to expose him.

 

 

The sooner you take responsibility over this the better.

 

 

I personally hope you tell your husband. I know it killed me to learn the hard way each time I went through it.

 

 

Good luck. I feel sorry for your kids and your husband. Its going to be hell on them.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

A little bit of a 2x4 and some suggestions that might help.

 

You commintted adultery, You did not have an affair. While there is overlap adultery is in another league.

 

Reading your posts (please post more) some of the issues in your marriage are toxic and the adultery is a form of acting out. Understand the acting out is a serious person problem with you and has nothing to do with your husband.

 

The drinking and belittling are issues, and are on him. He needs to grow up, take ownership and become a better person. You need to be able to help him and at times guide him but he needs to do almost all of the work. "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink it" sums it up. You can make sure the trough is filled and the water clean. You can make sure there is nothing obstructing access to the trough but at the end of the day the horse has to walk over to the trough and drink.

 

You are responsible for the adultery and need to realize they create a whole new set of issues that need to be addressed first. This thread will help you understand what his mind set will be http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Right now keep posting AND cut out your toxic friends. Understand before a person can be a personal friend, they must be a friend to the marriage and help you guard it. The vows you took, they don't protect your marriage, you have to protect them.

 

Finally the behavior you described that your husband engages in, is it recent or long term? His parents marriage, does one of them engage in the same pattern of actions?

Edited May 3, 2017 by Jersey born raised

[GoldenR]

Thank you for calling me out on my ****. Some of my friends cheat all the time and tell me I can't tell my husband. But I feel deep down even if he leaves me he deserves the truth. This is so not me. What happened to me? Why am I so fuc*ed up?

 

Only if he leaves you?

[Purepony]

If you don't want him to find out he won't

But you would have to delete all evidence

Texts , emails , social media !!! All of it asap

Even delete this account

 

Because anything you keep has a chance of coming to light

[93twenty]

I remember when I first cheated on someone and the sudden sense of guilt and remorse I felt immediately after the act, pretty much as you describe apart from the freaking out and being rude aspects. I couldn't believe I'd done it but whilst there was regret, there was also the knowledge I'd done it quite willingly and I was happy to be seeing someone else outside of my relationship. I debated telling my partner because it seemed like the best way to assuage my guilt and shame but in the end, I chose not to say anything. A lot of people are saying 'you must tell him' but I disagree, what does revealing your infidelity to him achieve in terms of the relationship?

You both made a mistake, had some good times and some good sex but it's time to draw a line and consign it to memory. You've already done the right thing by breaking off contact, now you just need to be strong when you or he get the urge to hook-up again (if that happens) by not letting it happen - the more time that passes then the easier this becomes. The chances are you are both feeling the same way and neither party wants the infidelity to be revealed so you both have as much to lose so know that discretion is paramount.

The other aspects of your relationship do need work though and your behaviour might have changed because you're holding in a secret - you need to stop thinking that way and go back to being you. Finding out why your husband is drinking so much sounds like the place to start re-building.

[Superchicken]

OK, you really must decide which way you want to live your life.

Keep cheating, and always look over your shoulder. Panic every time the phone rings, etc..

Because one day, it will all come out, and when it does, you will be much deeper in it than now.

 

 

Truth will always be the better path. Because with "Truth", there is only ONE story to get right, and only one to tell.

Keep lying, and you get tangled further into the web of lies you spin..

You tell a lie, then another to cover that one, then another..etc..

 

 

If you really do love your H, then make the effort to start over, and rebuild if he has anything left for you.

Its still possible, there are many here that told the truth, and although time for mending is different for each person.

But, its a start.

If he leaves you, or you don't love him, well, its better now, rather than later, because you can still find someone else to share another life.

 

 

Ted.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lovestreet, sorry about your predicament. Something tells me that deep down you are already remorseful for what you have done. I sense that not only do you feel bad that you did this to your husband but also because you have betrayed the image of the person you held yourself up to be. You have let yourself down and that is something few cheaters that have come on here have evidenced in what they write when seeking help. I think that you should go with your instinct and tell your husband about your indiscretion. Yes it is going to be hard and may result in your husband divorcing you but I think you have already factored that part in to your plans for the future. The second thing that is most important is that you should immediately start IC and get to the bottom of what made you betray your husband and yourself. That is most important if you want to avoid such incidents in the future. The third thing is that you should immediately drop those of your friends who are cheating on their husbands because remember "Birds of a feather flock together". If you stick with them you will be inclined to follow in their footsteps. Plus they will always egg you on to do the wrong thing because it makes them feel good about themselves. Lastly cut out alcohol completely from your social routine. Liquor has a way of lowering inhibitions and that for you is anathema.

 

Hope some of this helps you. Warm wishes.