Where to find emotionally available, successful, and kind men?

[laelithia]

Seems like a pretty tall order! Yet here I am asking. Where can I find quality men to date? I've decided I am 100% done with tinder (I seem to attract and be attracted to the exact opposite man I'm looking for in terms of a relationship!) and am not too eager on the other online dating sites. I have tried a few of them, but I'm wondering what other options there are these days. I'm a working professional with a masters degree, fit and attractive, and 28. My field is mostly female dominated, and I'd actually like to date someone in a different field anyway. I'm taking a bit of a hiatus from dating right now, but I'd like to look forward to when I am ready to date again.

 

Any ideas?

[normal person]

Try a paid website like Match.com rather than a free ap. If you're paying for it, you're probably taking the process more seriously and thus might be more "emotionally available."

 

Other than that, just keep in mind all people who act a certain way don't hide out in one place or go to one specific bar.

[d0nnivain]

I found mine in a bar. But I understand that is like finding a unicorn.

 

 

Try activities that interest you. Volunteer somewhere. Get involved in your community. Take an adult education auto shop class. Learn to play golf (although I can't promise you they won't ditch you every nice weekend day). Play on a co-ed sports team.

 

 

Another good place is industry related work events. Not your job per se but continuing education classes or seminars; networking events etc.

Edited May 1, 2017 by d0nnivain

[Silverstring]

(I seem to attract and be attracted to the exact opposite man I'm looking for in terms of a relationship!)

 

Before you venture back into dating, probably a good idea to do some introspection and try to understand what it is about these men that attracted you in the first place.

 

You can want kind, successful, emotionally available men on one level, but still not be attracted to them. It's worth figuring that out and once you do (can take some time) then it won't really matter where you meet them, you'll be repulsed by the bad dudes and attracted to the good ones!

[IzabelaIsabelle]

If you're having a hard time finding quality, successful, emotionally available men in your day to day life, it is safe to say that they're probably everywhere you aren't.

 

Meaning that your lifestyle and your approach to finding a partner is attracting the type of men you're trying to get away from. Try something different.

 

A man of a certain age that is emotionally available probably shows a similar level of commitment in what he does during his free time. These types are usually health-conscious (gyms and farmers markets), partake in hobbies that promote self-awareness (hiking, climbing, watersports, etc...), and dedicate some of their time to giving back (volunteering, committees, charities). This isn't to say all quality men are into these things, but this is a good way to start thinking about where and how you can surround yourself with men who are more likely to be looking for something serious. If your lifestyle isn't conducive to meeting such men, it might be time to reevaluate how you're spending your free time. Don't be shy. Get into some new environments and mingle.

[rushed]

Join crossfit!

 

Honestly, the nicest guys go to my crossfit gym. Plus being able to afford the $200+ monthly membership, a lot of them are successful professionals. They're fit. And most of the ones I've talked to are good people. (Can't really speak for their emotional availability, though.) You'll see and talk to them regularly in class so it's easy to get to know them.

[Popsicle]

Do you want them to look good to you, too? Like fit into a certain physical type? Because you didn't mention that and if you add that into it as well, then it's going to compound the level of difficulty finding it.

[MoreThanThat]

If what you've said is accurate, a professional matchmaker may be your best option if you're looking for something more long-term. Typically they don't charge women. Some of them do arranged dates. Others do mixers+arranged dates.

 

Outside of that, as has been said - get out there and get involved in activities that the type of men you want to meet would be involved in.

[Imported]

What quality are you?

[fromheart]

You've got to be that yourself, to find it in another.

[Cookiesandough]

Do you want them to look good to you, too? Like fit into a certain physical type? Because you didn't mention that and if you add that into it as well, then it's going to compound the level of difficulty finding it.

 

My thoughts exactly. Emotionally available, kind, and (depending on how you define it) successful men are everywhere if you don't care at all what they look like. But I somehow doubt that's the case for OP

Edited May 2, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[CptInsano]

An attractive, fit, 28 yo woman working on a master's degree is having trouble finding men? Is there maybe something the OP left out? I'm somewhat puzzled.

[laelithia]

An attractive, fit, 28 yo woman working on a master's degree is having trouble finding men? Is there maybe something the OP left out? I'm somewhat puzzled.

 

I actually graduated with my masters 2 years ago. I have no problem attracting men, but in the last few years that have all seemed to be emotionally unavailable in one capacity or another, despite chasing me like crazy and saying they are ready for a relationship. Maybe men see me as a "challenge" and once they've got me they're over it? I have no idea.

[laelithia]

Thanks so much for all the replies. I'm starting to wonder if it's the city I live in. When I look around at my friends and colleagues my age in relationships, there's not a single one I'm very envious of. Men seem to take beautiful, educated and kind women for granted here. When I travelled to Europe last summer, I was shocked at how polite and well mannered the men where. I don't know, perhaps taking this hiatus of dating will help me uncover some of the men I overlooked, or maybe the nice men will start to find me.

 

I will be honest, attractiveness is important to me. I really wish it wasn't, but I can't seem to maintain a relationship with someone I am not very attracted to. My first relationship lasted 7 years and he was very kind and loving, however, he lacked any sort of ambition and there was never any physical chemistry which always left me wondering what else was out there.

 

I have been working hard to address my own issues of emotional unavailability. I realize that wanting to be with these men after I realize that they aren't actually interested in a committed relationship indicates my lack of true emotinal availability, but I really feel this is something I am going to rectify. It's a small step, but for the first time in a very long time, I'm not actively looking to date someone. I've been doing some serious self reflection, journaling, and seeing a psychologist to help figure out how I got here.

 

That being said, I sort of wanted to stay hopeful about how I can meet quality men once I'm feeling ready to date again. It's sort of like clockwork, as soon as I turned 28 this year it's like something changed and I no longer feel content having fun/wasting my time with losers that don't want to build a future with me. I would love to have a partner in love and in life to have a family with. You would think that there would be lots of men who would want the same, but I find in my city that 30+ year old professionals are playing the field just as much (if not more) than men in their early 20's.

[preraph]

Oh, there's no one place to find them. If there was a place only good men gathered, it wouldn't be long before the ones just looking for sex came and posed as good men and overrun it.

 

It's all about how you filter. If it's a big issue with you, then you need to take it slower and get to know them better and not have sex right away until you find out they want what you want and that they are nice people and find out about their ethics, which is very important. My eyes roll so far up in my head when I hear young women say things like "Well, he's always nice to me, so I don't care what he's done to other people," or things like that. He either has ethics or he doesn't. Anyone can pretend to be nice to get whatever it is they want. So pay attention to what his family and friends seem like as a whole.

 

But to me, the most important thing and a mistake I see women do over and over again is not calling men out on the small things that should be red flags. They don't call them out because they feel it's wrong to make a big thing of a trivial matter (even though that's exactly what the abusive or controlling man has done to them). Example: A friend of mine with me and her present man went to fill up the car with gas. She got out and pumped the gas while he sat inside and told her she was doing it wrong and being critical, and she said not a word. She overlooked all his little ways of putting her down, but that is a red flag and sign of a man who will just keep getting more abusive.

 

So I think if you don't want to end up with a bad man, you have to stop this crap as soon as it starts happening and walk away from it and not let your neediness or emotions get in the way.

[harrybrown]

have you had any of your good friends set you up with someone they know?

 

Does not hurt to have help.

[CptInsano]

I actually graduated with my masters 2 years ago. I have no problem attracting men, but in the last few years that have all seemed to be emotionally unavailable in one capacity or another, despite chasing me like crazy and saying they are ready for a relationship. Maybe men see me as a "challenge" and once they've got me they're over it? I have no idea.

 

I looked back at your other threads to see what you may be talking about. It seems to me that you are looking for men with qualities that are in high demand in an age group of men that is not ready to settle because they don't have to. Or in other words, I'm not sure if "emotionally unavailable" is the right term. You are probably looking at men who keep their options open at this stage of their life, because they know they don't need to commit yet.

[salparadise]

It seems to me that you are looking for men with qualities that are in high demand in an age group of men that is not ready to settle because they don't have to.

 

Yea, the first thing I noticed was the inclusion of the word "successful" between emotionally available and kind. I thought that was a bit odd. I don't think they're mutually exclusive, but they are sort of pointing in opposite directions. Research shows that a large proportion of corporate CEOs and such possess narcissistic tendencies, or are outright narcissists in many cases. It also depends on how you define successful. If you're focused on five percenters, it's not surprising that they aren't leading with kindness and humility.

 

Also notable is the presentation of your own resume, and admission that you aren't interested in a committed relationship, yet you seem to intent on taming a tiger. They're just doing the same thing you are... optimizing with the highest expectations.

[tetrahedral]

Yea, the first thing I noticed was the inclusion of the word "successful" between emotionally available and kind. I thought that was a bit odd. I don't think they're mutually exclusive, but they are sort of pointing in opposite directions. Research shows that a large proportion of corporate CEOs and such possess narcissistic tendencies, or are outright narcissists in many cases. It also depends on how you define successful. If you're focused on five percenters, it's not surprising that they aren't leading with kindness and humility.

 

Also notable is the presentation of your own resume, and admission that you aren't interested in a committed relationship, yet you seem to intent on taming a tiger. They're just doing the same thing you are... optimizing with the highest expectations.

 

This probably doesn't need clarification. But I assume you mean the top 5% of wealthy men, rather than the black Islamic movement known as the Five Percenters.

[laelithia]

I looked back at your other threads to see what you may be talking about. It seems to me that you are looking for men with qualities that are in high demand in an age group of men that is not ready to settle because they don't have to. Or in other words, I'm not sure if "emotionally unavailable" is the right term. You are probably looking at men who keep their options open at this stage of their life, because they know they don't need to commit yet.

 

I never really thought about it that way, but it could be true. I'm finding that a lot of men I've dated in the past seem to settle down with someone soon after dating me... I'm not sure if I'm doing someonething wrong, they just aren't good matches for me, bad timing, or some combination. I'm really trying to dig deep to understand if I'm too pushy/needy or something else that turns men away but I can't seem to really place it.

[Silverstring]

I'm finding that a lot of men I've dated in the past seem to settle down with someone soon after dating me...

 

 

How many is a lot? If this is true, it seems like you are still connected to a lot of your exes and are invested in their personal lives. This could be one thing you're doing that makes men not want to stick around.

[laelithia]

How many is a lot? If this is true, it seems like you are still connected to a lot of your exes and are invested in their personal lives. This could be one thing you're doing that makes men not want to stick around.

 

That's a good point. I've only recently cut off the last 2 exes before my last relationship. I usually end up being friends with my exes, which I thought was a healthy profession but I'm seeing it would not make a new partner feel comfortable.

 

Both the last ex I dated and the one before him are now dating someone else. The feedback I did get from one of my exes is that sometimes I'm too intense/persistent. By intense he meant that I always want to know everything about everyone and sometimes don't let things go. Persistent I think he meant in the way I try to keep a relationship going almost no matter what. I'm guessing this stems from a fear of abandonment.

[CptInsano]

I never really thought about it that way, but it could be true. I'm finding that a lot of men I've dated in the past seem to settle down with someone soon after dating me... I'm not sure if I'm doing someonething wrong, they just aren't good matches for me, bad timing, or some combination. I'm really trying to dig deep to understand if I'm too pushy/needy or something else that turns men away but I can't seem to really place it.

 

Were you giving them the impression that you are looking for a relationship? If you are very attractive it may also the fear that they would be unable to keep you? (That wouldn't quite apply if you were going for the handsome crowd.) I've also seen some people who would only settle down if you had the right socioeconomic background, but I've seen that more among women.

 

Another thought, did any of the women your exes settled down with give up their careers for them?

 

I don't think it is you being too pushy or needy. A guy who is actually interested in you would not all that easily be scared by that.

[salparadise]

This probably doesn't need clarification. But I assume you mean the top 5% of wealthy men, rather than the black Islamic movement known as the Five Percenters.

 

Yes. By five-percenters I mean the very at the top of the desirability/eligibility hierarchy, the ones all women swoon over, and 'then can't understand why they're so hard to lock down. It's just female desirability reversed; they can have pretty much anyone they choose... so they have no incentive to commit until they believe it's the best they'll ever be able to do. It's so easy to test drive one after another that there's little motivation to sign a contract.

[Silverstring]

I'm guessing this stems from a fear of abandonment.

 

This. Fear of abandonment is a relationship killer. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. It makes normal relationship events into what feels like potential catastrophes and the emotions related to that can indeed drive many people away (both men and women!).

 

This is what you need to deal with, and before you start dating anyone!