Where to find emotionally available, successful, and kind men?

[laelithia]

Were you giving them the impression that you are looking for a relationship? If you are very attractive it may also the fear that they would be unable to keep you? (That wouldn't quite apply if you were going for the handsome crowd.) I've also seen some people who would only settle down if you had the right socioeconomic background, but I've seen that more among women.

 

Another thought, did any of the women your exes settled down with give up their careers for them?

 

I don't think it is you being too pushy or needy. A guy who is actually interested in you would not all that easily be scared by that.

 

Yes, I was always letting them know early I was interested in a relationship, I never process onless they are too. Well, at least they say they are. I don't know that I'm extremely attractive, but I would say above average. If anything it seems to work against me a little, men come on very strong physically and I have a hard time not letting things get physical too early.

 

Perhaps they did. I don't know anything about my last ex's date, but I know the one before him is dating a girl I found quite below average in the looks department, but he says she's very easy going.

 

I don't know, maybe there aren't really any concrete answers to be found with past exes, and maybe I just haven't found a really compatible match yet. My last ex said he was going to call me today, I'm going to ask him to be very honest and say if there was anything I said or did that particularly turned him off. Whatever he says, I'm going to just leave it at that and try my best to learn and move on.

[laelithia]

This. Fear of abandonment is a relationship killer. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. It makes normal relationship events into what feels like potential catastrophes and the emotions related to that can indeed drive many people away (both men and women!).

 

This is what you need to deal with, and before you start dating anyone!

 

I totally agree. Do you have any strategies you would suggest?

[Silverstring]

I totally agree. Do you have any strategies you would suggest?

 

Well, just acknowledging the problem is a huge first step. A psychologist or counsellor that deals with these issues is a great resource. Depending on how deep the issue runs, it can take some time, but will definitely be worth it in the long run. It will take work though. Your brain has been using these same protective mechanisms for a long time so the patterns are likely pretty ingrained. Essentially you'll have to fake it until you make it. In other words your behaviour will have to be as though you're secure in the relationship even if your feelings are quite the opposite.

 

But baby steps....first make an appointment with a therapist or bring this to the fore if you're already seeing one. And if they're not an expert in this area, change to someone that is..

[laelithia]

Well, just acknowledging the problem is a huge first step. A psychologist or counsellor that deals with these issues is a great resource. Depending on how deep the issue runs, it can take some time, but will definitely be worth it in the long run. It will take work though. Your brain has been using these same protective mechanisms for a long time so the patterns are likely pretty ingrained. Essentially you'll have to fake it until you make it. In other words your behaviour will have to be as though you're secure in the relationship even if your feelings are quite the opposite.

 

But baby steps....first make an appointment with a therapist or bring this to the fore if you're already seeing one. And if they're not an expert in this area, change to someone that is..

 

Thank you for your suggestions. I have been seeing a therapist which has been helpful, but full disclosure (and a little embarrassing!) I myself am a psychologist. I find the issue to be that I have a particular blind spot when it comes to my own life, and despite being able to help countless clients through similar issues and concerns, I feel quite stuck in mine. That being said, even doctors have doctors so I suppose sometimes you can't just figure it out on your own!

[Silverstring]

Thank you for your suggestions. I have been seeing a therapist which has been helpful, but full disclosure (and a little embarrassing!) I myself am a psychologist. I find the issue to be that I have a particular blind spot when it comes to my own life, and despite being able to help countless clients through similar issues and concerns, I feel quite stuck in mine. That being said, even doctors have doctors so I suppose sometimes you can't just figure it out on your own!

 

Nothing embarrassing about that at all. Everybody has a blind spot about their own life. My psychologist sees a psychologist that only has psychologists as clients! It's your defense mechanisms that prevent you from seeing your own stuff...and of course you're trained to detect the BS in your clients (i.e. their defense mechanisms)...

 

Standard issue here is that you likely suffer with self worth. And I'm guessing you're a perfectionist. You're likely quite attractive and work at it thinking if you're attractive enough you'll feel worthy of being loved. Or if you're educated enough you'll feel worthy of being loved. Of if you're successful enough you'll feel worthy of being loved. Etc. etc.

 

Anyways..those are just guesses...I'm not a psychologist!

[CptInsano]

Thank you for your suggestions. I have been seeing a therapist which has been helpful, but full disclosure (and a little embarrassing!) I myself am a psychologist. I find the issue to be that I have a particular blind spot when it comes to my own life, and despite being able to help countless clients through similar issues and concerns, I feel quite stuck in mine. That being said, even doctors have doctors so I suppose sometimes you can't just figure it out on your own!

 

Oh my, dating a psychologist can be a whole challenge in itself. I lived with one for a year, and one of my best female friends is one. I'm not trying to stereotype here, but IMHO it takes a patient and very self-assured person to be a psychologist's spouse.

[preraph]

Thank you for your suggestions. I have been seeing a therapist which has been helpful, but full disclosure (and a little embarrassing!) I myself am a psychologist. I find the issue to be that I have a particular blind spot when it comes to my own life, and despite being able to help countless clients through similar issues and concerns, I feel quite stuck in mine. That being said, even doctors have doctors so I suppose sometimes you can't just figure it out on your own!

 

Well, of course, this area IS your blind spot because it's who you are. So you need to address it nonetheless with your therapist or find one who will address it with you. It's not easy to change overnight, that's for sure. You may benefit more from the "fake it til you make it" approach. Which is just behavior modification and hoping the results will make you motivated to continue changing.

[laelithia]

Nothing embarrassing about that at all. Everybody has a blind spot about their own life. My psychologist sees a psychologist that only has psychologists as clients! It's your defense mechanisms that prevent you from seeing your own stuff...and of course you're trained to detect the BS in your clients (i.e. their defense mechanisms)...

 

Standard issue here is that you likely suffer with self worth. And I'm guessing you're a perfectionist. You're likely quite attractive and work at it thinking if you're attractive enough you'll feel worthy of being loved. Or if you're educated enough you'll feel worthy of being loved. Of if you're successful enough you'll feel worthy of being loved. Etc. etc.

 

Anyways..those are just guesses...I'm not a psychologist!

 

Ah, well maybe you should consider becoming one! You definitely hit the nail on the head with this one. I guess this thread has morphed a little bit, I think maybe the truth is I feel "unworthy" for whatever reason to date good, quality men, and instead feel more comfortable with the "losers". The problem with that is when these men reject me, like my last ex, it reinforces this thinking. I can't really help it!

 

I think logically I have a lot to offer a partner, and yet these men don't seem to think I'm worth sticking it out for. With the last one it's even more confusing, because I don't even really know from his perspective what went wrong/why he lost attraction to me. I can't help but think there's SOMETHING I'm doing that's leading to these men to reject me, but I don't seem to know what it is.

[Spice Girl]

I think logically I have a lot to offer a partner, and yet these men don't seem to think I'm worth sticking it out for. With the last one it's even more confusing, because I don't even really know from his perspective what went wrong/why he lost attraction to me. I can't help but think there's SOMETHING I'm doing that's leading to these men to reject me, but I don't seem to know what it is.

 

It doesn't have to be self-worth issue or anything you're doing wrong.

 

A few men out there will give the appearance that they are kind, successful and emotionally available and will have learnt to say the right thing at the right time - not players or sociopaths, regular guys who have a much higher opinion of themselves than they actually deserve, so it's easy to take them at their word.

 

And some other men will find an accomplished woman to be too intimidating, so maybe these men are pulling away because they have self-worth issues and turn it back on you out of their insecurity.

 

To answer the OP: you can find kind, emotionally available and successful men everywhere!

Edited May 4, 2017 by Spice Girl

[salparadise]

 

...full disclosure (and a little embarrassing!) I myself am a psychologist. I find the issue to be that I have a particular blind spot when it comes to my own life, and despite being able to help countless clients through similar issues and concerns, I feel quite stuck in mine.

 

That's the way our mind and emotions work. We're mostly doing what's comfortable, taking the path of least resistance even when we think we're being proactive and taking risks. Most people tend to avoid dealing with the emotional realms in which we feel most vulnerable.

 

I think maybe the truth is I feel "unworthy" for whatever reason to date good, quality men, and instead feel more comfortable with the "losers". The problem with that is when these men reject me, like my last ex, it reinforces this thinking. I can't really help it!

 

I think logically I have a lot to offer a partner, and yet these men don't seem to think I'm worth sticking it out for. With the last one it's even more confusing, because I don't even really know from his perspective what went wrong/why he lost attraction to me. I can't help but think there's SOMETHING I'm doing that's leading to these men to reject me, but I don't seem to know what it is.

 

Laelithia, have you seen this? Brene' Brown on Vulnerability and Worthiness

 

Even if you have, watch it again. I think she's right. We have to believe in our own worthiness, and that involves accepting and loving an imperfect self.

 

In keeping with the theme, my last girlfriend was a psychologist too. PhD and director of an APA accredited doctoral program. Turns out she has issues, serious issues that she can't even begin to see herself. I used to talk to her about my feelings of vulnerability and the anxiety it created, the fears and challenges of allowing one's self to submit to loving deeply and without restraint. She'd often say, Sal, you don't need to worry about that. Well, guess what –– my fears were well founded and it ended horribly, and in a really unusual way (last thread I started if you're interested).

 

Psychologists are no more immune to these issues than anyone else, and not necessarily more self-aware either. But I love a smart, feminine mind that is highly inquisitive about the mind and emotions, so I guess I'll not scratch them off my preferred list.