Is anyone happy with their situation?

[AutumnMoon]

I am sorry for posting double and all my spelling mistakes. I am on my phone tonight! Working alone and yes I do you come here to relate sometimes. Sue me, it definitely appears I am not the only one who does that.

Weird thing is I would never go on the infidelity thread and start judging the wives because I don't agree with something they said.

I have never once claimed that I'm happy all the time. Life is good. Maybe happy was the wrong word I am content right now .

I spent a lot of my life lonely and I screwed up and it got way out of hand.

 

The situation I have a right now which is what I'm talking about I am content with I feel good about most days today I felt happy all day long .

 

If that's hard for you to understand I get it it's hard for me to understand sometimes too.

[gettingstronger]

Thanks I'm not trying to get attention, just like everyone else I like to relate to people who might understand some of what I'm going through.

My life is not perfect, but I'm happy more than I'm not.

I am not trying to convince anyone of anything.

I'm well aware what my issues are I didn't ask you about them and I don't choose to talk to someone like you about them here.

T

 

I suggested therapy with a professional, not to hash it out with me. I think that at this point most that read your posts can relate- we've all been where you are- desperate to feel normal in abnormal circumstances, harsh to those that recognize the signs of denial and loneliness- it's not an easy or fun place to be-

 

Lash out all you need to, it's not personal to me- I've been there, done that and I'm just sharing my hope for you- a clear head and a peaceful mind.

[darkbloom]

I think it's hard to be happy when you are sitting in a web of lies. The mental gymnastics we do to convince ourselves that we won even though we came in second place is exhausting.

[Chica80]

Me either. What I mean by my only staying for the kids is there is a lot of other things involved. An entire life built. Lots of people say they're at their partner is only in it for the kids I just think it's a lot more than JUST for the kids. It's a whole history, property, family, friends, parents .. pets .. obviously financial considerations. Just so many reasons people stay and tell themselves it's only for the kids.

 

If that's hard for you to understand I get it it's hard for me to understand sometimes too

 

MM would say things like this too....

 

Our circumstances were/are very different. I wanted out. I was unhappy. From when A started I couldn't do it anymore, my M.

 

MM always maintained he loved his wife. But when questioned why then? He always said I don't know. And this I could and can never understand? You love her. You lied. Got married and continued to lie....but you love her? This is love? (no judgements as I was in this too....but I have a bigger view bigger picture)

And this too:

I'm happy at home too. is obviously incomparable because our connections are completely different He "cares deeply for her" "cares deeply for me" but we were different.

 

Autumn I would imagine that along with being really happy. You must be very lonely too? To carry this by yourself.

 

It was stressful for him the hiding and the double life. I could see that, the guilt....but again something he said he didn't understand and wasn't able to let go of, despite wanting to.

[AutumnMoon]

T

 

I suggested therapy with a professional, not to hash it out with me. I think that at this point most that read your posts can relate- we've all been where you are- desperate to feel normal in abnormal circumstances, harsh to those that recognize the signs of denial and loneliness- it's not an easy or fun place to be-

 

Lash out all you need to, it's not personal to me- I've been there, done that and I'm just sharing my hope for you- a clear head and a peaceful mind.

 

 

 

I do go to counselling yep. I'm not going to talk about that in this thread thanks.

[AutumnMoon]

If that's hard for you to understand I get it it's hard for me to understand sometimes too

 

MM would say things like this too....

 

Our circumstances were/are very different. I wanted out. I was unhappy. From when A started I couldn't do it anymore, my M.

 

MM always maintained he loved his wife. But when questioned why then? He always said I don't know. And this I could and can never understand? You love her. You lied. Got married and continued to lie....but you love her? This is love? (no judgements as I was in this too....but I have a bigger view bigger picture)

And this too:

I'm happy at home too. is obviously incomparable because our connections are completely different He "cares deeply for her" "cares deeply for me" but we were different.

 

Autumn I would imagine that along with being really happy. You must be very lonely too? To carry this by yourself.

 

It was stressful for him the hiding and the double life. I could see that, the guilt....but again something he said he didn't understand and wasn't able to let go of, despite wanting to.

 

 

Well we are both married, both with kids. For now that over powers a lot for us both. We have talked about being together many times for real but things are complicated at every angle.

 

Right now, and for the next few years I think we are happy where we are.

 

Of course I get lonely, or I wouldn't be in this mess to begin with.

 

If people think I have never had guilty feelings or thought about what was going to happen, or wish that I had never let this start.. I have. But I wouldn't take it back now. I do love him.

Right now my focus is my family unit.

I guess it must be easier for us too because we live in such close proximity, we see each other all of the time I am never left waiting or wondering anymore. I went through that in the beginning. It's been 5 years.we are comfortable.

[Chica80]

Ya I get that....

 

For anyone who says oh just divorce....

Nope let me tell you it is a nightmare and a mess.

People stay married for many reasons and having to go through a divorce sucks!!!

 

Started last july and we are no closer to the end than we were almost a year ago.

Edited May 3, 2017 by Sunshinechica

[Poppy's sister]

Autumn... Are you me??

 

Yes we are happy, 5.5 yrs into affair.

Have huge restrictions on time together at the moment due to various factors but even though tgat upsets us both and we miss each other and intimacy a lot, we accept that all relationships go through phases... Why should ours be any different.

 

I disagree strongly with people who say no one stays just for the kids...as we live 150 miles apart, both with high level jobs and children at home a divorce and move to be together would involve someone losing weekday access to their children. Neither of us want or will do that.

We are prepared to sacrifice our desire for a normal relationship for a few more years for the stability for our children.

 

Happy? Yes mostly, not always... Weekends, holidays, Christmas etc can be hard, but we support each other and acknowledge the good times and bad.

 

We have never future faked, we occasionally discuss the future but we both know that right now is not the time to take the leap. Will we in the future... Yes I think so, but life throws curve balls so neither of us is prepared to get too emotional and obsessed about it.

 

Though secretly I do fantasise about " our house "...just sometimes.

[BluesPower]

I get all of this...

 

I have been in all of these places. And to AutumnMoon, you know you are going to get criticized for some of this.

 

But I completely understand. I did cheat a lot at different times and I have been with a lot of women.

 

I am divorced for other reasons than infidelity but I think that it is possible to love more than one person. The problem for me is that the lying and cheating gets to be to much when you are in an affair.

 

And you know that your H and his W will be devastated when they find out. That is a given. And you H will never believe or accept that you actually love him at some level.

 

Plus it is not fair to him and you know that as well. He may well be able to find the love of his life out there if he were given that opportunity. This is where the total unfairness comes into play. You get love and sex from two different places H and AP, and he is stuck in a monogamous relationship.

 

I mean you know he would love to be able to go out and get a little strange every now and then as well.

 

However, I have dated several woman at once and there were so many nice things about it that I really enjoyed. I could def be in a poly situation with between 2 and 4 women and be quite happy.

 

The problem is that often the women tend to get more and more possessive as time goes by. I guess a lot of women and men crave the exclusive bond with one person. I get that as well be it is not naturally me.

 

But, at this point, having multiple women in my life just got to be a hassle. So I recently broke up with a long term GF who kind of went nuts on me and just happened to meet a girl that I am going to date exclusively and see where that goes. I had been cutting back anyway so I think I was heading this way at some point.

 

But even in various poly, open R's, and the variations of those, at the very least you are out of the lying business.

 

That for me is where A's become a moral problem because at some level you are being unfair to someone and lying, that part is where I can't be anymore.

[Overtaxed]

That for me is where A's become a moral problem because at some level you are being unfair to someone and lying, that part is where I can't be anymore.

 

It's not the sex, at least not for me, that burns me up about my W's A. It's the lying. It's the trickle truth. It's the making me doubt my sanity when our relationship was falling apart because of her A. It's the lies she told about me to other people. It's the lying she did to her therapist.

 

The sex? Yeah, some of that hurts to know about, but, honestly; and I suspect Blues might be similar, I know that sex is meaningless much of the time for men. We need it, we desire it, we hunt for it, but we don't really much care who it's with other than "available". Doubly true for "A sex", so, I don't get too hung up on that part. I can see how that could happen, shoot, I'm so afraid of it happening to me I live like a monk and keep all women I can out of my life entirely.

 

But the lies, wow, do those keep you up at night. Wow.

[ztmymmy]

the WS never would have been looking if everything was as rosey as some BS portray it to be in most cases. Happy people generally don't cheat.

 

 

Yeah, they do.If they have the attitude that "sex is just sex" and will never get caught, "happy people" will cheat.

 

No marriage can ever be perfect.But i don't buy "things weren't so rosy if x cheated" as a reason.

 

Yesterday, there was a big story about a former FBI worker who was still married to a US soldier.She run away to marry the ISIS fighter she was investigating.Had to spend two years in prison once she woke up to her enormous mistake and begged to come back.

 

I am sure her marriage to the US soldier wasn't all roses either, but absolutely nothing could explain what she did.

Edited May 3, 2017 by ztmymmy

[Starswillshine]

, the WS never would have been looking if everything was as rosey as some BS portray it to be in most cases. Happy people generally don't cheat.

 

 

I will agree... "happy people" generally don't cheat. Which is not the same as people who are happy in their marriage. Cheating typically has more to do with the cheater than the marriage.

 

My marriage was happy. Ask my WH. We enjoyed each other's company, we had a great sex life, we could talk for hours and hours, 20 years and we still are insanely attracted to each other. Beautiful family... We had it all. And we both felt we had it all. Ask him.... He will tell you the same. Our marriage was everything you could hope for.... except.... He just wanted some extra attention when he was traveling.... He had a midlife crisis. It had nothing to do with our marriage... And everything to do with him. He was out of control, wanting to be 25 again, etc. It is something with him.

 

And yes, of course, not everything was perfect... nothing is ever perfect.

[wmacbride]

I will agree... "happy people" generally don't cheat. Which is not the same as people who are happy in their marriage. Cheating typically has more to do with the cheater than the marriage.

 

My marriage was happy. Ask my WH. We enjoyed each other's company, we had a great sex life, we could talk for hours and hours, 20 years and we still are insanely attracted to each other. Beautiful family... We had it all. And we both felt we had it all. Ask him.... He will tell you the same. Our marriage was everything you could hope for.... except.... He just wanted some extra attention when he was traveling.... He had a midlife crisis. It had nothing to do with our marriage... And everything to do with him. He was out of control, wanting to be 25 again, etc. It is something with him.

 

And yes, of course, not everything was perfect... nothing is ever perfect.

 

People cheat for all sorts of reasons, and the one thing they all have in common is that it is a choice made by the ws. That is the only reason cheating ever happens, is because the ws wanted to.

[AutumnMoon]

If people seriously think my affair is just about sex ?

 

He relocated to be nearer to me, we are friends we have a connection that goes far beyond sex although the passion is insane so obviously sex has a lot to do with what this is about. If we could've been together we would have been but because we have young kids and there is already a relationship between our families would be very complicated. And we are both in relationships that work very well as partnerships right now. I have a lot of love for my husband he has love for his wife it's not the same which is why we can't seem to break the affair cycle there's a lot of people here who have been in that spot.

We see each other every day at least in passing but it's not like we spend every day alone. Saturday was our last alone time sometimes there's three weeks in between ! Not often at all, but it's happened and I don't push it when I gets to that point.

 

We are just living our lives, content is the perfect word right now.

I know he wishes that we would be together in the end more and more I am playing that out in my head as well. I'm not pushing for that and neither is he right now.

[AutumnMoon]

I will agree... "happy people" generally don't cheat. Which is not the same as people who are happy in their marriage. Cheating typically has more to do with the cheater than the marriage.

 

My marriage was happy. Ask my WH. We enjoyed each other's company, we had a great sex life, we could talk for hours and hours, 20 years and we still are insanely attracted to each other. Beautiful family... We had it all. And we both felt we had it all. Ask him.... He will tell you the same. Our marriage was everything you could hope for.... except.... He just wanted some extra attention when he was traveling.... He had a midlife crisis. It had nothing to do with our marriage... And everything to do with him. He was out of control, wanting to be 25 again, etc. It is something with him.

 

And yes, of course, not everything was perfect... nothing is ever perfect.

 

 

 

I wasn't very happy when this all started. So although I consider myself happy and content now I was in a very vulnerable place when things started. I had a good life but I was incredibly lonely and a lot of traumatic things happened One of them to a very close mutual friend of me and my AP, I think bonded us in a time when we both need somebody. I made my bed and I am happy to lay here.

 

We were still in rather young marriages, I think it's different than somebody within a 20 year relationship he has only been in with his wife about 2 and a half years longer than he's been with me.

[Robert]

Moderation has reviewed this thread and handed out a significant amount of infractions for off-topic, thread-jacking, rude comments, personal attacks and posts lacking civility and respect. These are all part of our Community Guidelines (LoveShack.org: Community Guidelines).

 

If your main objective is to attack people who are in or having affairs, this will not bode well for your continued membership on this website....move on. Repeated offenders will be permanently banned. If you find that your posts are not being seen....well, you racked up enough points for a little vacation while moderation reviews your posts for infractions. Post responsibly.

 

Thank you,

 

~ V

[AutumnMoon]

My husband is starting a four week stretch away. I will be lonely but this is where I am very grateful for the others in my life.

I am thankful that I have a relationship with somebody who never makes me wonder about his feelings for me.

Some of these posts I read make my head spin. I don't think I could've ever lasted this long in a relationship where my AP was going back-and-forth like some of these guys do.

 

Protect your hearts ladies, I hope you all have a good weekend.

[freengreen]

My husband is starting a four week stretch away. I will be lonely but this is where I am very grateful for the others in my life.

I am thankful that I have a relationship with somebody who never makes me wonder about his feelings for me.

Some of these posts I read make my head spin. I don't think I could've ever lasted this long in a relationship where my AP was going back-and-forth like some of these guys do.

 

Protect your hearts ladies, I hope you all have a good weekend.

I agree. I can only speak about myself. If my MM gave me no reason to get hurt, my EA would have been continued ( cant say about PA coz I am slightly asexual).. but I would have never gotten out of the box because its so cozy inside. I think its extremely difficult for oneself to just have an epiphany without a pain inducing it and sometimes ( less often than more), it is genuine love.

 

On the other hand, i am actually 'lighter' now, for me the hiding and lying was overwhelming. I am happy as I am now, just like you are

 

Have a good weekend you too Autumn.

Edited May 6, 2017 by freengreen

[AutumnMoon]

We both did the back and forth unintentionally in the beginning. We tried to end things twice because we were getting to deep. I've cried about him. I get it.

I just think at this point if it wasn't more positive than negative it would not be worth the risk.

[deadsoul]

Autumn, I'm not asking this to be rude because I know you get a lot of rude comments. I have no place to judge you and what you are doing. I get it. You are able to compartmentalize your relationships and keep them separate from each other, at least that's what I'm thinking (please correct me if I'm wrong, I kind of wonder about that too)

 

So my question is this: as women, we tend to be jealous creatures... do you have jealousy toward his relationship with his wife? I know that sounds like a strange question, but I know you deal with guilt and lying... but is jealousy a part of that too?

 

Anyway, I do wish you well and like I said before, no judgment here. You have a very fragile house of cards and you seem to manage it well.

 

And I know there's been arguments that you can't love more than one person at a time, but I do believe you can. People that are in happy poly relationships love more than one person.

[lostgirl87]

I was happy for a very long time. He was my best friend. I talked to him about anything and everything. He did the same. That was my favorite part of our relationship. There was nothing I couldn't say to him.

 

Honestly, it wasn't until I started letting other people get in my head about "how long are you going to stay? he needs a deadline. you can't do this forever. you're almost 30 and you're wasting time." and a whole mess of other things that I started to put the pressure on him. I was confident in his feelings for me and I still am. I feel like if this would have happened when I was younger, I would stuck it out much longer b/c I simply enjoyed being with him. Also, with me being single, I screwed myself by not dating other people. Had I done that, I would have been able to handle this better b/c I wouldn't have been relying on him so to speak. I have no desire to be an OW again but I don't regret what I had with him. The good far outweighed the bad.

[AutumnMoon]

I'm glad you feel at peace with it.

I think we have this picture in our heads of what life is supposed to be and it is so easy to let other people convince you that you need to change . I hope any changes you made were ones that you wanted to make for yourself and I wish you nothing but the best .

[freengreen]

We both did the back and forth unintentionally in the beginning. We tried to end things twice because we were getting to deep. I've cried about him. I get it.

I just think at this point if it wasn't more positive than negative it would not be worth the risk.

Well, its still risky Autumn, for everyone around but like the previous poster said you seem to carefully tackle the hearts around you. You are in a fairly unusual story here and I hope it all ends well .