and still in love - long story!

[Lychee28]

I met my affair partner while away on a work trip at the end of 2015. Things had been quite rocky in my marriage with my husband of 5 years so I had no problem chatting and getting to know my AP (not that this makes it okay!). There was a strong connection instantly and before I knew it, he was sweeping me off my feet weekly and he was quickly becoming all I could think about.

It turned out that he lived close to my home town, so after the work trips were finished, we ended up catching up regularly in his home town. The affair was simply breathtaking. I know it's crazy for me to say this while married but it's the only way to describe it. We went on dates, stargazed till early hours of the morning, laughed like crazy, shared our fears with each other, tried new things, talked and talked and talked, drank together, went for long drives, and walks and not to mention, the physical attraction was like nothing I have ever felt before. The sex was true love making, something I've never shared with my hisband. It took mine and his breath away each and every single time. Everything about it was just so right!

The affair went on for about 6 months before I freaked out and realized how much I was hurting my husband who did not deserve anything that I was doing. I decided to cut everything with my AP and focus on my marriage. I didn't talk to my AP for 5 months, however after discovering that my husband was looking at other women online, I decided to contact my AP to see how he was and to catch up.

As soon as I saw him, it was as if no time had passed. He was still single and we had clearly missed each other a lot. He had finished building a house which he was proud to show me. The attraction was still as strong as ever and we began spending time together again. I saw him on three occasions over 2 weeks and decided enough was enough.

I sat my husband down one Sunday night this January and told him absolutely everything. It was the hardest conversation I've had but I felt he deserved to know. I told him that I understood if he wanted nothing to do with me and I told my AP that I had done this. My AP understood and supported me through this. My husband was really good about it, he was really hurt at first, but eventually apologized for years of hurt as he had struggled with a pornography addiction for years which had turned our intimacy into quite an unhappy place.

 

We lived separately for about 6 weeks. During this time we both took holidays and time out to think about what we wanted to do. I saw my AP on two more occasions and let him know what was going on. The last time I saw my AP, he introduced me to his family and closest friends on a day out. I got on extremely well with everyone and had a really great day. He then dropped all contact with me and began ignoring my calls and texts.

 

I was very hurt and confused as to why this had happened and there was nothing I could do about it. My husband ended up seeing a psychologist and decided to forgive me and work on the marriage and his addictions. I agreed, and it's now been 2 months. Our marriage seems to be in a much better place, however I still think about my AP every single second of every day:( my heart is completely broken and I thought I would never hear from him again.

 

This was until 2 days ago, my AP messaged me and asked how things have turned out. He apologized for dropping contact with me and said that he wanted me to make the decision without him involved and he felt he was being selfish staying involved. He was sorry for hurting me and said that he still thinks about me every day:( this has completely ruined me. It has resurfaced all the feelings I had for him and all I want to do is see him again:(

 

I don't know what to do, I know I'm married and need to honor my husband and be loyal to him, but I'm in love with my AP and can't stop wanting to be with him.

i feel like I should just do what's right for my husband and end the marriage while we're young and don't have kids involved, but I'm scared and worried I'll live with regret.

 

Helppppp

[oldlion]

This is easy. I have always said, "never live with someone you don't love or someone who doesn't love you." You husband deserves better than living with someone whose body and heart are in the possession of another man. Living this way is the gateway to misery for your husband and you. Yes, your husband will be badly hurt but not as bad as he will be if this continues. Your husband will fall in love with someone else just as easily as you did with your OP. Either way there will be much pain but divorce will be the lesser. Just some advice, Your OP willing and intentionally cheated with a married woman. If you go with him don't be surprised if in a few years he cheats with someone else. A man who intentionally goes after another man's wife has no honor. I don't trust people who have no honor. I wish you well.

[aileD]

Would you still leave your husband if your AP would not have you?

 

If not why?

 

A .Because you don't want to be alone?

B. Because you feel the marriage is worth saving?

 

 

Listen. It's hard to make a decision like this when you are Caught in an affair because these:

 

. -There was a strong connection instantly

 

- The affair was simply breathtaking.

 

-the physical attraction was like nothing I have ever felt before. The sex was true love making, something I've never shared with my hisband. It took mine and his breath away each and every single time.

 

Those aren't feelings based in reality and they aren't feelings that usually last once the affair turns into a reality based relationship. A marriage relationship will Never live up to an affair relationship because they aren't based on the same things. You cannot compare them.

 

And this will change too once they find out you're a married woman cheating on her husband with their loved one:

The last time I saw my AP, he introduced me to his family and closest friends on a day out. I got on extremely well with everyone and had a really great day.

 

 

So the best thing you can do is cut off your affair and TRULY do the work to know if you and your husband have the desire to reconcile and do the work to be together and committed 100%.

 

If you don't even want to do that, then yes. Set him free. But you may never have peace of mind. You may have regrets. You may see things differently later.

 

Then there's the "he cheated with you which means he doesn't respect marriage and therefore is a huge possibility he will cheat ON you" truth.

 

Also. Consider what marriage means to you and why it's so easy to throw away. What are your values and morals? Are you living up to them?

Edited May 2, 2017 by aileD

[GoldenR]

Your husband deserves better than you. Divorce him. Then marry your AP, bc those marriages always last a lifetime.

[whichwayisup]

You and your husband have really bad communication skills. Instead of talking or going to counseling when problems started happening you both hid from it and took matters into your own hands. He turned to porn and chatting online to women, you chose to have an affair.

 

Either go to marriage counseling with him and fix your marriage or divorce. DO NOT continue contact with the OM and stay married. That's a crappy thing to do. Divorce and be alone and on your own for a while, then date the OM in a proper way. Or cut OM forever out of your life and reconnect with your husband.

[Jersey born raised]

The activities you shared suggest a lot of time away from your husband. How was it he did not noticed? Had the two of you drifted apart that much? The looking at pictures (just looking?) and porn was that because he was "replacing" you, filling a void or is that who he is?

 

From you first post I and I think many here do not understand why you do not leave. I understand vows are important and divorcing first would have been better. Is there anything keeping you married?

 

If not, then divorce.

[aliveagain]

A man that will bang another man's wife and a married woman that will cheat on her husband, sounds like a match made in heaven. Go for it because I too think your husband deserves a lot better then you.

[harrybrown]

Do you really believe that your wonderful AP is only having sex with you?

 

If you do, you do not know the truth.

 

He does not have to support you financially and he gets to have sex with you without paying for it.

 

Hope you used protection.

 

hope you wake up soon to reality. Please file for D and end your marriage.

 

You should set your H free.

 

Then you and your AP and all of his other lovers could spend all the time together.

[Friskyone4u]

So it looks like you confessed but now you are at it again, or will be shortly.

With no kids my guess is the majority of the advice you will get is what I will suggest.

 

Divorce your husband and stop the charade. I do not think you are going to get much support to continue to cheat and provide the man with more D Days.

 

Your lover boy is single. Time to call his bluff and see how devoted he is to you or if his devotion is more to your anatomy.

 

What youre looking to do is cake eat until you figure that out and looking for some guarantee you will make the right decision.

 

Sorry, it does not work that way.

[Mr. Lucky]

Divorce your husband and stop the charade.

 

Lychee28, here's what I never understand about stories like yours. You find the relationship with your AP so compelling you're willing to destroy your marriage over it - and more than once. So why not go?

 

Perhaps you sense what most of us are thinking - you've been played. Having enjoyed NSA sex with you, your OM ghosted you because he feared you might ask for more. And now that you're back with your H, he predictably reappears to see if you want to jump back in the sack. No surprise, you're actually thinking about it.

 

This whole thing makes sense for everyone except your H, he clearly deserves better. You might consider letting him go if you care about him at all...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrs. John Adams]

you know...sometimes circumstances in life truly are gifts. But sometimes we dont accept the gift and continue to make bad decisions.

 

When your lover broke up with you...it was a gift. when you told your husband and he decided to work on the marriage instead of kicking you out like you deserved...it was a gift.

 

What a truly lucky woman you are...to have been given these gifts...so that you can do the right thing and get yourself together.

 

I was a woman very much like you...the difference is...I was grateful for my gifts and i did the right thing. I show my husband every day how grateful i am for the gift of reconciliation he gave me....and not once...not one single moment have i ever regretted the decision to reconcile.

 

I cannot speak for you...because you are the one who knows you best...but I ask you....

 

Why did you stay with your husband? Was it convenience..or fear? Was it money? Was it love ? Did you really want your husband or did you just want SOMEONE...and he happened to be the only one available? Were you really sorry about what you had done and wanted to rectify the wrong?

 

It seems to me that you did not go into this reconciliation with your whole heart...and if this is true...you may as well get a divorce whether or not you stay with the AP.

 

Reconciliation is a life long process...a lifelong committment...if you are not in with both feet...then get out. Your husband does not deserve a wife who doesnt really want him. If you just wanted him as much as he wants you....look what he was willing to do because he loves you. If no other thing about this jumps out at you....it should be this. He loves you enough to stand by you and love you even when you are unlovable. If that doesn't make you put him first...nothing else will.

[Overtaxed]

Lychee28, here's what I never understand about stories like yours. You find the relationship with your AP so compelling you're willing to destroy your marriage over it - and more than once. So why not go?

 

Perhaps you sense what most of us are thinking - you've been played. Having enjoyed NSA sex with you, your OM ghosted you because he feared you might ask for more. And now that you're back with your H, he predictably reappears to see if you want to jump back in the sack. No surprise, you're actually thinking about it.

 

This whole thing makes sense for everyone except your H, he clearly deserves better. You might consider letting him go if you care about him at all...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

And we have a winner here.

 

He apologized for dropping contact with me and said that he wanted me to make the decision without him involved and he felt he was being selfish staying involved.

 

^How to have sex with a previous lover, 101, page 53 or so, if I recall correctly (kidding about the page number, not at all about the scripted nature of this message).

 

OP, you're being played. It's obvious to any of the men here who've ever been players, but this is about as simple as it gets. Cool it off when things heat up, lay back for a bit, then warm them back up. Classic (and I do mean classic, like right out of the player handbooks) push/pull. He'll keep doing this to you as long as you let him have sex with you. It will never stop until you stop it.

 

And, of course, without being too harsh, I'd be shocked if you're not one of many. Women, listen to me, you have no idea how easy it is to sleep with lots of women for a guy who's read the books I have, learned the things I have, or just "knows them" and is that way by default. I know there are other men here who have been "players" in the past, but my gosh, women would be very well served to read some books on Game, because, probably 80-90% of the stories I see on here, the guys are running "game" on you and you're falling for it, hook line and sinker.

 

Here's your test. Stop having sex or physical relations with him. See how long he sticks around. That'll tell you everything you need to know.

 

Or, alternately, admit to yourself that you want NSA sex and go enjoy it after breaking up with your current partner. That's OK too, there really are women out there who do enjoy it, and, if that's what you want, by all means, go after it (AFTER respecting your current partner and breaking it off). But Lord, the knots a lot of posters tie themselves in baffle the mind. A man doesn't need to love you, doesn't need to like you and absolutely doesn't need to respect you to have sex with you. Words are cheap, it's very easy to say a few things or offer up a few txt messages if sex is on tap. Take that away, and you'll find his real interest, which, given this story, I suspect is not a whole lot.

[Birdies]

Try to make the decision without factoring your AP into the equation. Do you think you can realistically salvage your marriage and be happy with your husband? Or are the issues you two have bigger than that (not to mention the new issues related to your affair)? I was in the exact same position and I know how hard it is to think about pulling the plug on your marriage and hurting your husband further.

 

But you need to think about it rationally. If you do separate, it could be better for both of you - you could both find someone who is a better fit. On the other hand, if you do successfully reconcile, a lot of people say this kind of thing eventually brings them closer together and improves the marriage. You just need to really weigh the odds of that happening.

 

Good luck. I can understand the judgmental comments here, but I know very well what a painful position you're in, even though it's self-inflicted pain.

[Mr. Lucky]

Here's your test. Stop having sex or physical relations with him. See how long he sticks around. That'll tell you everything you need to know.

 

Or even better, tell him he's "the one". That you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with him, populating his world with babies, mortgages and minivans.

 

He'd have Usain Bolt in his rear-view mirror...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Overtaxed]

Or even better, tell him he's "the one". That you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with him, populating his world with babies, mortgages and minivans.

 

He'd have Usain Bolt in his rear-view mirror...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

LOL, Gone in 60 Seconds indeed.

 

If only women understood; right? Just like we can't know the mind of women, they cannot know the mind of men. If they could; there would be 1/10th the number of affairs there are today (and a ton less pre-martial sex). Men do not fall in love the same way as women, and we are cold and calculating getting sex. It's simply a basic need for a lot of us, and we don't feel wrong in lying to get it; most of us have done more lying than telling the truth to have sex. Add in an A where the man is stepping out on his wife, you an even higher incidence of lying.

 

Ladies, stop listening to us! For the love of God, open your eyes and close your ears. Our words are so very often faked and we've gotten so good at faking them, you'll never know. But our actions tell you everything you need to know; and having an A with you is perhaps the only action you need to see. This is not a good man, move on, and feel sorry for his wife.

[monnieloves]

Hello. You have a difficult decision to make. I've been in your shoes when I was married. The affair was exciting. I thought I was in love. I realized, after the excitement wore off that the grass wasn't greener. If I could go back in time I would do things differently. Your husband sounds like a good guy. I applaud both of you for not only being honest about the issues within the marriage but also for fighting to keep the unit in tack. I have friends and family members who were on the brink of divorce but decided to revisit what they liked about their spouse. The added date nights, weekend getaways, walking, joining a class together, joined their local church, surprise gifts, etc. It works. I hope this helps.