Moving in with my father

[clemens]

My fiancée and I (both in our thirties) have officially moved together only a couple of months ago and will become parents this fall.

 

Naturally the latter fact alters one"s perspective on many a matter. The other day we were walking at dusk through a nearby park and saw addicts doing their thing at one of the playgrounds there (should have called the police...). This reinforced my fiancee"s concerns over syringes around playgrounds and other problems in our neighborhood. I don"t think syringes are a real problem, but one cannot rule them out either...

 

I really like our neighborhood. Colourful, very centrally located, plenty of parks, congregation and most friends being here as well. Has generally become a much more desirable part of town in recent years (despite such residual issues). But my fiancee doesn"t want to get old here. And is concerned that hereabouts our child couldn"t really roam around and such at an early age.

 

As such she has become much more receptive to an idea my dad recently voiced, namely that we move in with him.

 

My dad and I are close, whereas my fiancee doesn"t know him particularly well. Her idea is that we and our baby first grow together as a family for say at least the next 2-3 years before a possible move into my dad"s house. Perhaps even as long in the future as when our child starts school.

 

I am quite partial to the idea of having three generations under one roof. The modern nuclear family lacks something, I"d say. My dad will be a very loving grandfather and all.

 

In terms of surroundings, my dad"s house is located in one of the best parts of town. Leafy, quiet, little traffic, good schools, not TOO distant from the center etc. A far cry from what we could afford on our own.

 

Anyway, have any of you had experience with moving in with your parents? How did it work out and what lessons might you pass on?

[Telemachus]

Just because you are close, doesn't mean it will work well. You are clearly more eager to do this than she is. "Years in the future" is no commitment at all from her.

 

You may not get along living under the same roof with your father. I tried it for three months while between houses. I sold one and lived with my father in his house while we looked for another. It wasn't good.

 

You need to think less about the playgrounds and leafy trees and more about the personal dynamics involved. It may work well, but realize that she's basically at this point said "maybe". She hasn't said yes, and you don't have a move-in date. Years in the future may mean that she really doesn't want to do it at all, but that it would be better than homelessness.

 

Be prepared, if, when the time comes, she says "no". She never said "yes". Also have a backup plan, if your father and your wife and then maybe multiple children can't stand living under the same roof together, no matter how much you like each other otherwise.

[clemens]

Just because you are close, doesn't mean it will work well. You are clearly more eager to do this than she is. "Years in the future" is no commitment at all from her.

 

Perhaps I gave the wrong impression.

 

Minutes ago she told me she really likes the idea and that we ought to broach the subject next time we meet my dad. I think in terms of enthusiasm we"re in much the same place.

 

Last night she told me: "Whereas your sisters would never want to be part of such a living-arrangement, we are made of different stuff and can see ourselves living with your dad." (Rough translation into English)

 

I like the idea. But don"t want to settle on anything. Much as she I don"t want to move in the next 2-3 years. I want us to first grow as a mother-father-child unit. I want to keep our options open. There is no rush for us to decide either way. There"s plenty of time for my girl and her future father-in-law to get to know another better. Get a better idea how compatible they"d be living under the same roof.

 

No way I would ever want to exert pressure. Nor do I have to, as the above shows.

 

You need to think less about the playgrounds and leafy trees and more about the personal dynamics involved.

 

That is indeed the more important consideration. I think it would work splendidly. Hence me writing less on the subject.

 

One point I do have question-marks on, however, is how my mother and her partner would feel visiting. My divorced parents get on just fine, but perhaps it might nonetheless feel a little odd for her to spend plenty of time in what is my dad"s house.

 

Certainly a matter we ought to discuss with my dad if we do decide on moving in.

 

Also have a backup plan, if your father and your wife and then maybe multiple children can't stand living under the same roof together, no matter how much you like each other otherwise.

 

We"d simply sub-let our present flat and move back if things do not work out. That"d be the backup-plan.

[Ronni_W]

Her idea is that we and our baby first grow together as a family for say at least the next 2-3 years before a possible move into my dad"s house.

SO much is going to happen in the next 2-3 years, for each of you individually and growing together as a couple and as parents, that this consideration is safely left as a topic for conversation in say...another 18 to 30 months.

 

There is also so much more that potentially could happen...wonderful and positive stuff but perhaps also not so great...that perhaps focus more on the present and making it wonderful and positive right here and now?

 

Congrats on your baby's pending birth. . Wishing Mom and Baby all health, and all three of you all happiness.

[preraph]

Don't do it. The first time he criticizes her housekeeping or what time she gets up or anything else, it will be all over.

 

Also, she'll be super busy and up all hours with a new baby and need privacy to nurse and not have to get up and get fully dressed before she leaves your room because she'll run into your dad (who is a man) half-naked.

 

 

She didn't marry your dad. Find a better place to live just the two of you.

Edited May 2, 2017 by preraph

[clemens]

perhaps focus more on the present and making it wonderful and positive right here and now?

 

I don't see this being a zero sum game. One can do both.

 

We're discussing the matter. We're not making any decisions regarding it anytime soon.

 

Congrats on your baby's pending birth. . Wishing Mom and Baby all health, and all three of you all happiness.

 

Thankyou. We are very happy. Hope we learn this week what sex it has.

[clemens]

Also, she'll be super busy and up all hours with a new baby and need privacy to nurse

 

As we're talking of a move in 2-3 years at the very earliest, well, she won't be nursing anymore. After all, our child won't be Game of Thrones' Robin!

 

I suppose Americans might want more privacy when breast-feeding than hereabouts. This will not be an issue for us.

 

and not have to get up and get fully dressed before she leaves your room because she'll run into your dad (who is a man) half-naked.

 

Context: We share our flat with a roommate. So we generally aren't running around entirely naked here either.

[preraph]

Seems to me like once you have kids, you might not want the roommate, or they might not want you.

[Mr. Lucky]

My dad will be a very loving grandfather and all.

 

This really is more about your Dad than anyone else. You don't mention your Mother so it seems he lives alone.

 

Many older folks are somewhat set in their ways (I speak from experience ). A baby or toddler is a big change to the dynamic of the household and a challenge to someone separated by decades from child-rearing.

 

I love my two young grandkids with all my heart. But even I'll have to admit it's sometimes comforting to know Mom and Dad will take them home at the end of the day.

 

At the very least, you'd want a set-up that allowed privacy and occasional quiet for all parties if possible...

 

Mr. Lucky

[clemens]

Seems to me like once you have kids, you might not want the roommate, or they might not want you.

 

We are looking for a new one. One that truly wants to live with a family as ours. Ideally one also sharing and living our faith. One who becomes family, in a way.