I'm in limbo

[Emoandconfused]

My husband and I used to work at the same job and the environment of our job were predominantly men. We had the same friends and knew the same people. When my husband quit, I still remained at the job. My husband and I have been married for 4 years, but since he left the job, he became distant and our home life felt like us being roommates rather than a couple. We couldn't keep conversation and though we tried, we were both depressed in our own ways.

 

Though I never thought about cheating or had the slight intention to ever do that, there was one person that I found attractive, but thought nothing more of it. I was married, he was married, he seemed fairly happy, I was happy, and we were just acquaintances. It was mostly light conversation and daily rambles with him. This past year, I was moved to work directly for him and everything was as normal as could be. He was kind to me and we kept things professional. Slowly over time, we began to talk about more random things and with him being soft spoken and kind, he started to invite me to lunches with the people in my section so I wouldn't feel left out. In December, our conversations became deeper and we started communicating outside of work. It grew to be daily and I enjoyed his conversation and we connected emotionally. We broke each other's walls down and made each other feel extremely comfortable due to our similar temperaments. I found him to be a reflection of myself and he the same. We shared stories that we haven't shared with our spouses and we started to love each other and support each other. We fantasized about a life together and it felt right and it was a beam of hope for me. It didn't become physical until March. At this point, he separated from his wife because apparently, they've been unhappy for 2 years and he hid it extremely well. I've been trying to work on things with my H and talked about separation but he didn't listen to what I had to say. He also told his wife about his feelings for me and they were already at a mutual understanding that they want each other happy.

 

Our job consists of long term travel and the other man was assigned to live 4 years overseas. He opted to go alone without his wife and he told me that whenever I'm ready, he'd be willing to see where our feelings takes us and that he's ready to hopefully start a life with me. I've fallen head over heels for him but I felt remorse, guilt, and fear. My H and I are supposed to move to a new city around the same time the OM leaves for overseas. I broke down and told my H. It was devastating to see him cry and the betrayal and hurt I put upon him and I said that I truly loved him but wasn't sure if I was in love with him. It was a relief for me. This led to a serious divorce talk and I got emotionally prepared for that. However, shortly after, he changed his mind and said he wants to give me a chance and that when we move to another city, we can start new. I'm in so much limbo right now because I don't know how things would work out. I have a gut feeling that it may be bad, but I don't want to give up my marriage without a fight or eventually leading to regret if I left now. I would want to leave with peace on both our parts. The thing is, it wasn't all about the physical aspect with the OM, but about how much we emotionally were invested. It was a full blown relationship while we were in a relationship. I'm torn and idk if I could ever get over this completely. I should've done the responsible thing and ended my marriage before cheating, but fear kept me from it. I take full responsibility and I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for this move with my H, but I always feel a punch in my stomach now that I can't ever talk to the OM. I miss him and maybe I'd get over it with a new environment, but I can't shake this feeling.

Edited May 2, 2017 by Emoandconfused

[sandylee1]

It grew to be daily and I enjoyed his conversation and we connected emotionally. We broke each other's walls down and made each other feel extremely comfortable due to our similar temperaments. I found him to be a reflection of myself and he the same.

 

 

I've fallen head over heels for him but I felt remorse, guilt, and fear. My H and I are supposed to move to a new city around the same time the OM leaves for overseas. I broke down and told my H. It was devastating to see him cry and the betrayal and hurt I put upon him and I said that I truly loved him but wasn't sure if I was in love with him. It was a relief for me. This led to a serious divorce talk and I got emotionally prepared for that. However, shortly after, he changed his mind and said he wants to give me a chance and that when we move to another city, we can start new.

 

 

.

 

 

Have you considered separating from your husband and spending time about 3 month on your own? So you can decide without contacting either your H or the OM which relationship you want.

 

 

Don't move with your husband unless you are fully committed to the marriage. That would be needlessly cruel.

 

 

Just as an aside, I don't know if OM knew you husband, as he used to work there, but it was a bit low moving in on another man's wife (knowing his own marriage was breaking down) like that.

[Emoandconfused]

Didn't want to separate because he doesn't trust me. So it was an basically an ultimatum.

[whichwayisup]

It seems you and your husband don't have enough in common, let alone enough love and fun together once he left the job where you two met and then got married. Once he left, your relationship/marriage with him went down the tubes.

 

You chose to flirt and become close with another man instead of going to counseling or reconnecting with your husband, trying to fix what was broken and he got down and depressed, didn't make an effort to fix things with you.

 

Now you're both reacting out of desperation and confused.

 

I say separate and be alone and on your own without either man.

 

He opted to go alone without his wife and he told me that whenever I'm ready, he'd be willing to see where our feelings takes us and that he's ready to hopefully start a life with me.

 

Did you not see this as a red flag? How can one try to make a life with someone when you're both still married?

[sandylee1]

Didn't want to separate because he doesn't trust me. So it was an basically an ultimatum.

 

Your heart isn't really in reconciliation, so while there arent any children involved on your side, let your husband go.

 

You can both find a loving relationship with other people.

You confessed and thought that was it, but when he offered reconciliation you became confused, probably out of guilt and a feeling of obligation.

 

If he didn't offer you a second chance, it doesn't sound like you would have been that fussed.

 

When you get to the point of choosing between your husband and another man, it's really already over.

[BTDT2012]

Didn't want to separate because he doesn't trust me. So it was an basically an ultimatum.

Then accept the ultimatum.