Mr. "Blame Everyone and Everything Else But Him"!

[Mapper71]

My husband can never take the blame for anything. Somehow it's something else that caused things to go wrong. Perfect example of that early this morning.

 

Our one cat will, without fail, start scratching on our bedroom door every morning around 3:30 or 4AM. If we let it go she will at some point give up, but there are times when lose our minds and either have to let her in (where she will just walk all over the bed and scratch at the covers) or get up and go feed them. Well H got up this morning and didn't feed them, but went and got a soda out of the fridge. At least once every morning he will get up and go to the fridge to get a drink of milk or gatorade or soda. Well this morning I hear him wiping up something on the kitchen floor and then he got he wet mop out and cleaned up something. He was grunting and sighing the whole time. A few minutes later he comes back to bed and I asked what happened and he goes I spilled soda ALL over the floor and all over me thanks to the cat! If she hadn't been scratching at the door and waking me up that wouldn't have happened". How did that go from the cat scratching at the door to the cat making him spill soda??!! The cat came into the room when he went out and was nowhere near him when he dropped it. It's not like she attacked him causing him to drop it! Then he laid in bed fuming for a few minutes before getting up and getting into the shower to rinse off some of the stickiness.

 

If it had been me making noise in the hallway while he was trying to sleep and then he got up and got a drink of soda and spilled it, it would have been my fault that I was making noise which woke him up, which made him thirsty, which made him open a can of soda which he then dropped!

Edited May 2, 2017 by Mapper71

[FoundMyStrength]

I get what the OP is saying. I was in a LTR with a man like this. Literally nothing that happened was ever his fault. He somehow always turned it around to be someone else's, usually my, fault. In his case, I think it stemmed from having a self identity that he was very rational, logical, and precise with his actions. So if something went awry, it obviously couldn't be HIM. Even when there was clearly no one at fault, he would have to find someone to pin the blame on.

 

Anyway, that is all to say that I totally get your frustrations OP. My guy drove me batty with this stuff, and it became one of the reasons we eventually split. When you really get down to it, that behavior is incredibly invalidating. And can be very hurtful and make you doubt whether the two of you are living in the same reality. I dunno what to tell you in terms of solutions, but I do wish my guy and I had gone to couples counseling years before we split to learn how to communicate better about these things and to have an objective person who could weigh in on his inability to take responsibility.

[NTV]

Heard that song by ran'n'bones man? I'm only human?

 

Lol. Don't know why your post made me think of that.

 

 

If I were your husband and the cats woke me up 330-400 every day then I'd shoot em.

[RedBaron2765]

This sounds like my SIL - she literally blames every issue in her life on either her ex-husbands (yes, multiple) or her bosses. Nothing is ever her fault. The woman is the epitome of a drama queen, a mooch, and a blame shifter (the Trifecta), and my wife wonders why I can't stand her.

[basil67]

Train the cats and none of this would be an issue.

[MidwestUSA]

Train the cats and none of this would be an issue.

 

Would be nice if possible, but that is 'cat hour'. It's their awake/play time. We have three, so they are self amusing and happily chase each other all over. If they bounce across the bed, it's not for long.

 

 

Why would you have to get up and feed them? Leaving dry food out might just keep them from bothering you about it. And they get to eat at their preferred time.

[basil67]

Would be nice if possible, but that is 'cat hour'. It's their awake/play time. We have three, so they are self amusing and happily chase each other all over. If they bounce across the bed, it's not for long.

 

 

Why would you have to get up and feed them? Leaving dry food out might just keep them from bothering you about it. And they get to eat at their preferred time.

 

Oh. I've never had this issue with cats.

[MidwestUSA]

Oh. I've never had this issue with cats.

 

It depends somewhat on their ages and temperaments. But sometimes I wake at 4am thinking I'm hearing a herd of zebras. That's my two younger girls.

 

Other times I think I'm having a heart attack, and find my seventeen pound boy on my chest. Or I can't get comfy, and realize it's because he's taking up too much real estate, and won't budge.

 

 

I do like the house painting idea! Someone needs to pay for all this chow.

[Mapper71]

Would be nice if possible, but that is 'cat hour'. It's their awake/play time. We have three, so they are self amusing and happily chase each other all over. If they bounce across the bed, it's not for long.

 

 

Why would you have to get up and feed them? Leaving dry food out might just keep them from bothering you about it. And they get to eat at their preferred time.

 

We do leave dry food out. 24/7 they have access to that. Our one cat wants us up at 3:30 to just hang out or something. Then if she calms down, our other one will scratch at our bedroom door endlessly and if we let him in, he'll scratch at the carpet and tear that up. He just wants to be let outside but we aren't letting him out that early due to coyotes being around. The thing is when we do finally let him out, he'll come back 30 minutes later and is happier than ever to just sleep for the next few hours!

[NTV]

The cats scratch isn't ruining your door frame?

[Mrs. John Adams]

So the issue here is not the cats or the cats behavior.

 

The issue is the attitude of a very selfish... immature...irresponsible husband.

She gave this as an example of her husbands mindset and behavior.

 

It might be a good idea for you to discuss this with him...and an even better idea for the two of your to go to MC.

 

If his behavior of blameshifting bothers you...then it is better to solve it before it becomes something bigger and you harbor resentment toward him.

 

I can understand your dilemma and i too would be aggravated.

 

As for the cats....if you leave the bedroom door open so they can come and go...they may not scratch to get in a 4 am....especially if you leave food out for them.

 

If this is not an option ...perhaps you can close them in the same room where their litter box and food is at bedtime.

 

the issue with your husbands attitude will be more difficult to solve

[KimJ1234]

I gotta tell you....if I was your husband I'd be pissed off too and irrational. Not a happy person at 3:30am.

Some people just have a knee jerk reaction to blame other people but after a short while will realize they are to blame.

I could see my H behave this way (he hates my cat)...but he would realize after a while that he acted $hitty and apologize.

[Mapper71]

You think that I'M thrilled about being woken up every morning at 3:30 AM??!! I'm the one who always gets up shortly thereafter to keep them all quiet so he can sleep because he gets so grumpy if he doesn't. Meanwhile, here I am up for 3 hours before I need to leave for work and extremely tired. I love the cats but having them was all his idea. We had two, but he wanted to get two more so that they'd learn from the older ones who he thought may not be around much longer. 3 years later and everyone is still around.

 

We can't put them in any room because all our rooms where we can shut a door have carpet and we've tried it before and within a few minutes everyone is scratching at the carpet by the door to get out and all our carpet by the doors is ruined because of it. We don't have a basement. We leave the door to our bedroom open and they come in and still scratch at the carpet. We shut them out of our bedroom and they scratch at the door and at the frames around the door. Yes, even the frames are scratched up.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You think that I'M thrilled about being woken up every morning at 3:30 AM??!! I'm the one who always gets up shortly thereafter to keep them all quiet so he can sleep because he gets so grumpy if he doesn't. Meanwhile, here I am up for 3 hours before I need to leave for work and extremely tired. I love the cats but having them was all his idea. We had two, but he wanted to get two more so that they'd learn from the older ones who he thought may not be around much longer. 3 years later and everyone is still around.

 

We can't put them in any room because all our rooms where we can shut a door have carpet and we've tried it before and within a few minutes everyone is scratching at the carpet by the door to get out and all our carpet by the doors is ruined because of it. We don't have a basement. We leave the door to our bedroom open and they come in and still scratch at the carpet. We shut them out of our bedroom and they scratch at the door and at the frames around the door. Yes, even the frames are scratched up.

 

So are you more upset by the scratching of the cats or the fact that your husband blames everybody but himself?

 

If the cats are really causing you problems...give them away...problem solved.

 

If your husband is causing you problems...I am not sure you can just give him away....

[Mapper71]

I would never give the cats away! I can't understand how anyone who takes on the responsibility of an animal can just up and give them away at the drop of a hat. Because they're moving away and don't want the hassle of a pet, because they peed on the carpet, because they're too old. I love my cats unconditionally and would be sad without them, but I just need to find a way to stop their behavior. 1 of the 4 behaves. Another one yowls a bunch in the morning and the other two are scratchers.

[Mapper71]

Oh and here's another lovely example! He tells me on Wed. Night that he's going to ride his motorcycle to work the next day. I tell him that it's supposed to be severe storms late afternoon/early evening and he poo-poos the whole things and goes "Nah it'll be fine. It's going to be 75 degrees".

 

t starts raining about 4PM and at about 6PM, when he leaves work, it's a torrential downpour at the house. I didn't know what it was doing at his work, but it must have been raining. I thought maybe he'd just wait it out a bit there. Nope. He pulls in at about 6:45 fully drenched. And of course he starts yelling about how [bad] Washington weather is. Starts [complaining] about EVERYTHING as he's taking off his wet clothes in the garage. Starts getting pissed at me for every little thing I do. Pissed at me for having the garage door open for him when he got home because everything was getting wet, when it wasn't. [shouted] at me for not closing it as soon as he pulled in. Kept going on and on about how he would have stayed drier if he had jumped into a lake. Goes on about "It was beautiful all day and then this happened. Where the hell did this come from?" And if I would have said to him again that I told him the night before it was going to happen, he would have jumped down my throat.

 

He takes a shower and by the time he comes out he's calmed down and back to his lovey dovey self. I am kind of quiet because I don't know if there will be more outbursts if I say something. He says "Are you okay?" I say "You acted all angry towards me" He goes "It was the weather, it had nothing to do with you". Then why the hell do I get the brunt of your anger every time something or someone pisses you off?? I didn't say that to him, but it's always the case. His ex or his daughter or work pisses him off and then I end up getting the [abusive] end of it. I am surprised he didn't start [complaining] about me walking too loud or breathing too loud or having my coat hung on the hook that he wanted to put his coat on or anything just to [complain]. It rained. I told you it was going to and you ignored me. Then you get upset because it rained, you got wet and you didn't listen to me, but you act like this whole thing came out of nowhere. Getting wet doesn't necessitate [complaining] and yelling and treating me [poorly].

Edited May 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Oh, my, the language. Member moderated.

[NTV]

If you died at home, your cats would EAT you.

[InvisiBlonde]

He says "Are you okay?" I say "You acted all angry towards me" He goes "It was the weather, it had nothing to do with you". Then why the hell do I get the brunt of your anger every time something or someone pisses you off??. . . I am surprised he didn't start [complaining] about me walking too loud or breathing too loud or having my coat hung on the hook that he wanted to put his coat on or anything just to [complain]. It rained. I told you it was going to and you ignored me. Then you get upset because it rained, you got wet and you didn't listen to me, but you act like this whole thing came out of nowhere. Getting wet doesn't necessitate [complaining] and yelling and treating me [poorly].

 

 

Yeah; I hear all about how LOOOOOOONG he waits for EACH bus. If only the City of New York would join the Twenty-First Century and, like, post the schedules online or have a way to get a text about where your EXACT bus is and how long it will take to get to your stop.

 

If I press such issues too hard, I get called a "Dumb C**t From [Name Of My Hometown]."

 

It sounds to me like you'd benefit from researching "Borderline Personality Disorder." Sweet Validation, and you'll learn to stop giving him ammunition against you.

[Sweet108]

Invisiblond is so right on. From all your posts he has all the classic behaviors of a personality disorder. You are not alone, there are so many spouses who are experiencing a partner like this or have had one in their past like this.