Dumped over email how to move forward...

[nasc88]

Hi Everyone:

I've been on here in the past and I really feel like some of your advice has really helped me.

 

Very long story short I dated a guy for around 6 months. It was great. We had fun together etc. He travels A LOT for work (this month he'll be home roughly 8 days total).

 

Yesterday out of the blue (to me anyway) I got an email saying that he was having anxiety over trying to balance his job and starting a relationship. So that's it. It's over. That was sent via email, not even a phone call.

 

I have had my heart broken countless times (I should add I'm 40 and so things tend to hit me harder now than when I was 20) and this time it really hurts. I'm now having panic attacks, crying nonstop and sick to my stomach (while at work) and yes I'm fully aware it was only 6 months of my life.

 

So I'm trying to cope with him not being a part of my life any longer and just trying to figure out how to pull it together and move forward. For all of you out there that have been through this...what suggestions do you have?

I really appreciate all of you taking the time to read this.

[93twenty]

Draw a line. Don't look back, don't look forward - just deal with the present by pulling the people and things back into your life that you put to one side to make space for him.

It might have only been an email but you know where you stand; you don't have the worry about him just ghosting out of your life. Is the hurt you are putting yourself through worth it?

[Purepony]

I'm sorry

What a scumbag

[nasc88]

It might have only been an email but you know where you stand; you don't have the worry about him just ghosting out of your life. Is the hurt you are putting yourself through worth it?

 

You have a very good point. At least I know where I stand with him.

 

This is the problem and I guess what I'm trying to figure out. How do you NOT put yourself through the hurt? How do you pull it together AGAIN and move forward. I don't know if I know how to do that again.

[93twenty]

Not put yourself through the hurt?

You can't, because that's how you respond, it's how you're wired. Knowing this is the best way of dealing with it. Let the hurt happen because if you try to stop it you're holding it in and prolonging it. When the hurt dissipates you'll be able to see the future more clearly.

[BC1980]

It might have only been an email but you know where you stand; you don't have the worry about him just ghosting out of your life. Is the hurt you are putting yourself through worth it?

You have a very good point. At least I know where I stand with him.

 

This is the problem and I guess what I'm trying to figure out. How do you NOT put yourself through the hurt? How do you pull it together AGAIN and move forward. I don't know if I know how to do that again.

 

There's no way to ensure that you will never get hurt again. You can do your best to try, but there is never a guarantee. Dating, loving another person, being in a relationship, getting marred. . . . all of those things open you up to the potential to get hurt. Look, even friendships and family relationships open you up to get hurt. Unless you want to lock yourself in a room and never interact with anyone, that's part of being a human. I went through this after my last relationship when I realized how loving someone could cause such tremendous pain. There is that need to protect yourself, but it's not possible all the time. I think the first step is to accept the reality that when you date, you open yourself up to being hurt.

 

You have to decide if the potential for hurt is worth dating. And the potential might not be worth it for a little while. You probably need to time to regroup before you date again. But don't stay locked away from relationships for too long because that is also a way to hurt yourself. Isolating yourself hurts too if you do it too long.

[nasc88]

You can't, because that's how you respond, it's how you're wired. Knowing this is the best way of dealing with it. Let the hurt happen because if you try to stop it you're holding it in and prolonging it. When the hurt dissipates you'll be able to see the future more clearly.

 

Thanks. I'm trying to figure out how to just put one foot in front of the other. I guess I let myself cry it out for a bit and then hopefully see the future for what it is. I really appreciate your comments.

[nasc88]

Thanks BC1980. I know you're right. I definitely am not ready to date right now but hoping some day that the potential for a good outcome will outweigh the hurt.

[Redhead14]

Hi Everyone:

I've been on here in the past and I really feel like some of your advice has really helped me.

 

Very long story short I dated a guy for around 6 months. It was great. We had fun together etc. He travels A LOT for work (this month he'll be home roughly 8 days total).

 

Yesterday out of the blue (to me anyway) I got an email saying that he was having anxiety over trying to balance his job and starting a relationship. So that's it. It's over. That was sent via email, not even a phone call.

 

I have had my heart broken countless times (I should add I'm 40 and so things tend to hit me harder now than when I was 20) and this time it really hurts. I'm now having panic attacks, crying nonstop and sick to my stomach (while at work) and yes I'm fully aware it was only 6 months of my life.

 

So I'm trying to cope with him not being a part of my life any longer and just trying to figure out how to pull it together and move forward. For all of you out there that have been through this...what suggestions do you have?

I really appreciate all of you taking the time to read this.

 

Dumped via email after 6 months of dating is completely and utterly inappropriate, insensitive and cowardly. Do not "honor" this with a response of any kind. Block and delete his number and get really busy with your life -- friends and family. Redecorate the apartment/house -- new curtains, throw pillows, etc. Do nice things for yourself. Buy yourself something you've always wanted.

 

Give yourself time to grieve but do it in little bits -- say a 1/2 hour a day dedicated to sitting with and processing emotions. Then, force yourself to do something else, anything else that is all about you!!!!!

 

This guy has shown you who he is now and you should try to conjure up some relief that this didn't go on longer . . .

[nasc88]

Thanks Redhead14. I appreciate it. I do agree it was "cowardly." I have deleted him from every device I have. Email, phone number etc. so that I will have no desire to contact him.

 

I'm trying to process it as best I can. At the moment it just seems to all be a bit much.

[Telemachus]

You throw yourself into other things. You call up a neglected friend or an elderly relative, help someone in need, tackle a project you've been putting off, finish reading that novel you put down at page 237, write a novel of your own, learn a new language - sign up for a beginner course today, for a summer session starting three or four weeks from now.

 

No pity parties! Make your life not about you and your troubles, but about helping others who are in need and have difficulties greater than yours.

 

If you corresponded regularly with him by e-mail, it shouldn't surprise you that he broke up with you by e-mail. If it was the first e-mail message you'd ever received, that would be noteworthy. As it is, that part of the story isn't 'man bites dog'. It's just another 'dog bites man' story.

[nasc88]

You throw yourself into other things. You call up a neglected friend or an elderly relative, help someone in need, tackle a project you've been putting off, finish reading that novel you put down at page 237, write a novel of your own, learn a new language - sign up for a beginner course today, for a summer session starting three or four weeks from now.

 

No pity parties! Make your life not about you and your troubles, but about helping others who are in need and have difficulties greater than yours.

 

If you corresponded regularly with him by e-mail, it shouldn't surprise you that he broke up with you by e-mail. If it was the first e-mail message you'd ever received, that would be noteworthy. As it is, that part of the story isn't 'man bites dog'. It's just another 'dog bites man' story.

 

Thanks. Actually it's only one of like 5 emails he ever sent me so it was pretty surprising that's how he did it. I am just surprised that there was no conversation as it would make answering any questions I had easier. I guess it's irrelevant if there was a conversation or not as he has made his decision and the rest doesn't matter.

 

I appreciate your note and will definitely look into new things I've wanted to try. I do spend a lot of my spare time caring for elderly family and will continue to do so.

 

I appreciate your response.

[1fish2fish]

I was broken up with once via text after 3 months of dating.

 

And then I was broken up with via facebook - he changed his profile picture to that of his dog - after 7 mths of dating.

 

No conversation, no communication since. It's been over 2 weeks now.

 

What's even sadder is that this was by the same cowardly loser. :lmao: We had gotten back together because I reached out first.

 

In my case, I fell for his potential - potential that will never be realized.

 

Feel the hurt, cry when you need to, mourn what could have been, and force yourself to keep busy. Only worry about the very next step - not tomorrow, not 2 weeks from now...

 

It will get better. But whatever you do, don't contact him! ((hugs!))

[greenicon]

This happened to me, just after New Years after a year long relationship. Dumped via whats app. No phone call, no face to face, no nothing.

I got a text later that day apologising to me for dumping me via text...the irony.

I understand exactly what you are feeling. I am a guy in his early 40's . You're absolutely right.. it hits you a damn sight harder. 4 months in I have improved. Although bumping into her on OLD the other day did not help.

You need time..enough time to heal. However long that may be for you..stay strong..

[spiderowl]

It might sound odd but I think it is even harder being dumped face-to-face in person. I don't know why but it feels even more personal and hurtful and as if they have that power over you. I know it hurts like hell anyway and I'm sorry about what happened.

 

Cry a lot and write him off. After a while, you will start to see what was wrong with him. Eventually you will be able to move on. I know that's not much comfort now.

 

xx

[Whodatdog]

You're better off than so many others where the guy just disappears, never to be heard from again. At least you got a communication from him.

 

He may have broken up by email because he didnt want a conversation with you. He just wanted to tell you it was over. Do realize that he's had time to think about it and decide he wanted to break up, whereas you got blindsided with an email.

 

If you read your other thread from early March, you already had some doubts about his feelings for you. I dont think this happened out of the blue, and I dont think you are totally surprised by this.

 

I know it hurts, but it will get better.

Edited May 2, 2017 by Whodatdog

[GeekLover]

I was broken up with by text, which was followed by a break up email. We had had a relationship for 5.5 years.

 

It's been 5 months now and I haven't heard a peep. I never replied to the final email...I wasn't going to sink as low as him. I sent one text a month or so ago and he completely ignored it.

 

I tried to get him to see me but he refused. I don't think he could have ever said the things he said in his text/email to my face. He wouldn't have been able to face the pain he was causing me.

 

He's a coward.

 

As for what I did next? I'm not even sure. I've been taking it day by day. Some days are really good and I feel strong. Other days I'm down. I still cry, but I laugh more. I'm still sad, but I'm happy more.

 

Posting on here helps a lot, I've gone on dates, but I'm not ready for anything serious (I'm just too broken inside still to be able to give anything of myself to another person...any love I can scrounge up needs to be used for myself). In the winter, I taught myself to knit, and more recently I've been learning to paint. I went through a good period of time where I went to the gym a lot, but then got sick and busy followed by a period of depression, so I didn't have the willpower to go. I've just started returning again this week, which is good.

 

I also talked to friends a lot, and have my first appointment with a new therapist on Thursday.

 

I'm really sorry you're struggling through this. Getting dumped sucks, but when it's by text or email, it's a whole new level. It makes you feel pretty damn worthless. It's up to you now to convince yourself how untrue that is, and that's hard to do when you feel so beaten down and destroyed.

 

Good luck. I won't lie...it will be tough, but you'll come out the other end So much stronger.

[Soak]

Hi Everyone:

I've been on here in the past and I really feel like some of your advice has really helped me.

 

Very long story short I dated a guy for around 6 months. It was great. We had fun together etc. He travels A LOT for work (this month he'll be home roughly 8 days total).

 

Yesterday out of the blue (to me anyway) I got an email saying that he was having anxiety over trying to balance his job and starting a relationship. So that's it. It's over. That was sent via email, not even a phone call.

 

I have had my heart broken countless times (I should add I'm 40 and so things tend to hit me harder now than when I was 20) and this time it really hurts. I'm now having panic attacks, crying nonstop and sick to my stomach (while at work) and yes I'm fully aware it was only 6 months of my life.

 

So I'm trying to cope with him not being a part of my life any longer and just trying to figure out how to pull it together and move forward. For all of you out there that have been through this...what suggestions do you have?

I really appreciate all of you taking the time to read this.

 

What a scumbag.

 

Tell him how you feel about what he did. A lot of people will say to go NC immediately, but i differ. I think that before a period of NC, you should call them on their behaviour, if it was not to your standards. He might just be venting or fishing on email, eg, airing this thoughts out publicly to you... Either way, if he is serious, it is a scumbag thing to do, and over email.

 

If he persists on being broken up, go NC on him immediately, and realise you can do better. Forty is not that old, your no. 1 priority is to love yourself. If you don't find somebody who exceeds this, then so be it

[Soak]

It might sound odd but I think it is even harder being dumped face-to-face in person.

 

I agree. But, in reality, these losers should give us "dumpees" the chance and dignity of a conversation first before breaking up.

 

It astounds me how horrible the world has become, but their behaviour speaks more about themselves, than about us, the dumpees.

[Maldives]

Hi Everyone:

I've been on here in the past and I really feel like some of your advice has really helped me.

 

Very long story short I dated a guy for around 6 months. It was great. We had fun together etc. He travels A LOT for work (this month he'll be home roughly 8 days total).

 

Yesterday out of the blue (to me anyway) I got an email saying that he was having anxiety over trying to balance his job and starting a relationship. So that's it. It's over. That was sent via email, not even a phone call.

 

I have had my heart broken countless times (I should add I'm 40 and so things tend to hit me harder now than when I was 20) and this time it really hurts. I'm now having panic attacks, crying nonstop and sick to my stomach (while at work) and yes I'm fully aware it was only 6 months of my life.

 

So I'm trying to cope with him not being a part of my life any longer and just trying to figure out how to pull it together and move forward. For all of you out there that have been through this...what suggestions do you have?

I really appreciate all of you taking the time to read this.[/quote

 

Just take a deep breath for now and don't read into this situation like it's the end just yet. Let the dust settle. Men tend to freak out wen they get close and pull back sometimes. Just try and relax and take 1 day at a time and see if he comes round . Just relax. Having said all that I don't know really where his heads at but try and take it in small bite chunks and just relax go get a facial massage listen to calm music meditate fi do something for ureself that's relaxing and takes ur mind off things.

[TamsinB]

***DO NOT CONTACT HIM***

 

 

He's expecting a response with questions, asking why, tears and begging etc

 

His ego is expecting a response

 

Preserve your dignity

 

He'll be dumbfounded if you DON'T respond.

 

He'll be constantly checking his emails

 

He'll feel worse if you don't respond.

 

Do EXACTLY what he doesn't EXPECT you to do.

 

The "not knowing" will drive him nuts.

 

If you don't respond you have effectively taken back control, remember that when you're feeling at your weakest!!!

[stillafool]

I agree. But, in reality, these losers should give us "dumpees" the chance and dignity of a conversation first before breaking up.

 

It astounds me how horrible the world has become, but their behaviour speaks more about themselves, than about us, the dumpees.

 

For me, I can't imagine anything I would want to say once a person has said they no longer want to be with me. I like Spiderowl would rather it be done by email, text or carrier pigeon.

[TamsinB]

For me, I can't imagine anything I would want to say once a person has said they no longer want to be with me. I like Spiderowl would rather it be done by email, text or carrier pigeon.

 

 

At least with text or email they don't get to see the fallout which allows the dumpee sometime to process it all and consider their options.

 

In saying that: For me, even a text would've been great, I got NOTHING!!!

[nasc88]

You're better off than so many others where the guy just disappears, never to be heard from again. At least you got a communication from him.

 

He may have broken up by email because he didnt want a conversation with you. He just wanted to tell you it was over. Do realize that he's had time to think about it and decide he wanted to break up, whereas you got blindsided with an email.

 

If you read your other thread from early March, you already had some doubts about his feelings for you. I dont think this happened out of the blue, and I dont think you are totally surprised by this.

 

I know it hurts, but it will get better.

 

Thank you. I actually had a conversation with him recently about the way I had been feeling, our schedules etc. and getting on the same page. So that's why I'm so surprised. We had discussed it and seemed to be on the same page. Clearly he wasn't.

 

It hurts, a lot. I know it will get better - it always does but right now I'm just working on processing it all. You know?

[nasc88]

What a scumbag.

 

Tell him how you feel about what he did. A lot of people will say to go NC immediately, but i differ. I think that before a period of NC, you should call them on their behaviour, if it was not to your standards. He might just be venting or fishing on email, eg, airing this thoughts out publicly to you... Either way, if he is serious, it is a scumbag thing to do, and over email.

 

If he persists on being broken up, go NC on him immediately, and realise you can do better. Forty is not that old, your no. 1 priority is to love yourself. If you don't find somebody who exceeds this, then so be it

 

Thank you. I actually did respond immediately. At the risk of sounding pathetic I told him I knew his schedule going in and I wanted to try and make it work and he did too. That we connected and that's not so easy to find etc. Long story short after a handful of text messages back and forth I didn't get a response. So I deleted him from my life. I'm fortunate he has no social media presence so I don't have to see all his actions on Facebook. I've contacted a therapist actually to do just that. Try to figure out how to love me again. So I think that will be my number 1 priority for a while. It just hurts so bad right now.