Dumped over email how to move forward...

[nasc88]

Tomorrow he is giving a very exciting presentation that he has been looking forward to for months. I want to reach out and wish him luck. I shouldn't right? Part of me is thinking "if you wish him luck he'll remember how nice you are and great to have you in his life" - I know this is not true...right?!

[TamsinB]

You're in shock, so don't do anything right now.

We all know how it hurts like hell at this stage but it's early days and what you do now is crucial, he's expecting you to respond so don't. He will start to second guess and wonder how you're feeling, what you're thinking, what you're doing but if you respond you close the book and that will be it, don't play the losing game.

[nasc88]

Thanks TamsinB. I won't do anything.

I don't really think there is a game to play right now though. He was pretty clear and I don't see him changing his mind. It just stinks. I REALLY liked this guy. I guess I'm having a hard time swallowing the fact that he was blaming his job. I mean if you REALLY liked someone you'd find a way right?

[preraph]

Live well and don't wait too long to do it. That's how you make the most of a bad situation. feel better soon. Go do fun things. Don't let this define you.

[Soak]

Thanks TamsinB. I won't do anything.

I don't really think there is a game to play right now though. He was pretty clear and I don't see him changing his mind. It just stinks. I REALLY liked this guy. I guess I'm having a hard time swallowing the fact that he was blaming his job. I mean if you REALLY liked someone you'd find a way right?

 

Okay, so you responded to his initial break up email, and now there has been silence.

 

It is at this point that you should go NC (you queried his initial statement, it lead nowhere - you tried). I agree with everyone that at this point you should try to move forward with your life. Booking in for a therapist is a good start. The other important point is that NC will help you to love yourself again, because you are putting yourself first. It has an almost magical way of working, but in 2-3 weeks time, you will see (approximation of time, may be shorter or longer, depending on the person).

 

NC helps you retain your dignity and says to them that you are worth so much more! At this stage, he doesn't deserve (or may not want to) hear from you, so i say do not contact him. Birthdays and anniverseries are always hard, but it's only one day, as in this case too.

 

Take up a long forgotten hobby, and start exercising too. It helps!

[TamsinB]

Thank you. I actually did respond immediately. At the risk of sounding pathetic I told him I knew his schedule going in and I wanted to try and make it work and he did too. That we connected and that's not so easy to find etc. Long story short after a handful of text messages back and forth I didn't get a response. So I deleted him from my life. I'm fortunate he has no social media presence so I don't have to see all his actions on Facebook. I've contacted a therapist actually to do just that. Try to figure out how to love me again. So I think that will be my number 1 priority for a while. It just hurts so bad right now.

 

Ahhhhh you DID respond? sorry, didn't see that post.

Was really hoping you'd leave him hanging, it's a real kick ass thing to do but understandably so difficult when you're so lost and confused. Can't condemn for that but just hate when the dumper is even given the time of day, expects a reply and gets it.

 

Stay strong x

[nasc88]

Ahhhhh you DID respond? sorry, didn't see that post.

Was really hoping you'd leave him hanging, it's a real kick ass thing to do but understandably so difficult when you're so lost and confused. Can't condemn for that but just hate when the dumper is even given the time of day, expects a reply and gets it.

 

Stay strong x

 

I did. He sent me an email while I was at work and I was so shocked. My initial reaction was to respond. I have to be honest today I really wanted to contact him and wish him luck on his big speech. It was REALLY hard to not do it. I am proud of myself for not reaching out. In my head I think I thought "if I wish him luck he'll see how nice I am and change his mind." Pathetic? Yes. I still had the thought to do it. I'm just really proud of myself for not doing. Now I have to focus on putting me back together. God this is so hard.

[nasc88]

Man. It's been a week since we broke up. I haven't contacted him. He hasn't contacted me. It is TOUGH. When does it get easier?

[1fish2fish]

Eventually.

 

It WILL get easier...eventually.

 

It's not linear, either. It may feel easier for a couple of days and then you'll have a sad day or 2. Rinse and repeat.

 

but...it DOES get easier.

 

I'm 3 1/2 weeks out from having been dumped via facebook (he changed his profile pic to his dog, remember?) after I canceled meeting him for dinner, with zero communication since. I've deleted and blocked him, (and his friends) everywhere which has helped immensely! I come here to read daily, and I always find a post that hits home.

 

I've also been treating myself - eating out, some new clothes...nothing outrageous, but it feels good.

 

I've also booked 2 trips for later in the year.

 

Most importantly, I've kept my dignity. The past 2 times we've broken up I was always the first one to reach out, even though he was a total a$$ to me (he has an alcohol problem). Not this time. No reaction, tears, no reaching out...just calm acceptance.

 

No way am I going to lose my dignity now. It feels too good.

 

It does and it will get better. Hang in there!

[nasc88]

I also feel stupid for being upset over a guy I only knew for 6 months. I hate to use age but I feel like when you get older things tend to just move a little faster. He gave me signs of interests, conversations etc. and then in one day pulled the rug out from under me. In an email. While I was at work. It just stinks. You start to get hopeful and then you get hurt again. It makes me want to just become more closed off and not even give it another try.

[TamsinB]

You start to get hopeful and then you get hurt again. It makes me want to just become more closed off and not even give it another try.

 

 

Give "IT" another try? Do you mean him or relationships in general?

Please don't contact him if that's what you're thinking, we all have bad days x

 

Stay with NC, it's your best and only option if you want results

 

After 3 months hardcore NC my ex contacted me today saying

"I miss you so much"

I'm in complete shock!!!

 

I think it's important to regularly remind ourselves that we all want what we cant have and right now, your ex can not be absolutely certain that he can still have you. He needs time to miss you, so give it to him. Give him plenty.

 

Meanwhile, focus on yourself, better yourself, find the phrases that motivate you, calm you, allow you to remain centred.

[stillafool]

I am just surprised that there was no conversation as it would make answering any questions I had easier. I guess it's irrelevant if there was a conversation or not as he has made his decision and the rest doesn't matter.

 

Actually that is why they breakup by text or email is because they don't want to answer questions and tell more lies. They are cowards and all this new technology makes it much easier for people to hit and run. I don't want to be negative but I see this behavior getting worse.

[nasc88]

Give "IT" another try? Do you mean him or relationships in general?

Please don't contact him if that's what you're thinking, we all have bad days x

 

Relationships in general. After a while it just gets exhausting being hurt and it not working out. I just don't know how much effort I have left in me to try again. I haven't contacted him and I won't. It just SUCKS.

[nasc88]

Actually that is why they breakup by text or email is because they don't want to answer questions and tell more lies. They are cowards and all this new technology makes it much easier for people to hit and run. I don't want to be negative but I see this behavior getting worse.

 

No, I don't think you're negative. Unfortunately I think you're right. It just hurts. You open up, give something a chance and then bam you wake up one day and they've decided it's over and there's nothing you can do. No answers. Nothing.

[Soak]

Ahhhhh you DID respond? sorry, didn't see that post.

Was really hoping you'd leave him hanging, it's a real kick ass thing to do but understandably so difficult when you're so lost and confused. Can't condemn for that but just hate when the dumper is even given the time of day, expects a reply and gets it.

 

Stay strong x

 

Now, i've completely changed my mindset!

 

If i had my time all over again (i only know this with hindsight though), i would have gone completely silent from the moment we agreed to pick up my stuff. Stay NC now.

Edited May 11, 2017 by Soak

[nasc88]

Now, i've completely changed my mindset!

 

If i had my time all over again (i only know this with hindsight though), i would have gone completely silent from the moment we agreed to pick up my stuff. Stay NC now.

 

Thanks. I have. I will. I miss our interaction. He made me smile and laugh every day. You're right though. I will continue NC. It's tough though.

 

How long have you been NC now? Does it get easier?

[penelopeanne]

I was broken up with via email after a 2+ year relationship and the whole thing has really messed with my head....so much so that it has now been over 2 months and I am struggling even more with making sense of everything (lots more to the story, I made a post about some of it) but am willing to talk privately at all in more depth is anyone is interested.

It feels like such a crazy way to end things and leaves you will the harsh and cold thoughts that did this person actually care at all.

You are not alone.

[jamili]

My ex dumped me over email after a relationship that was under a year, AND we lived together. And then we actually reconcilled the next day, which lasted 24 hours, and then she dumped me over text. I know the feeling.

 

6 months is certianly enough time to form a serious bond with someone, dont let anyone tell you otherwise. Ive formed deeper bonds with women in relationships under a year than other relationships I've had that lasted many, many years.

 

Your reaction is normal. What you should do is 100% go full, hardcore No Contact. Never contact this guy again. Never respond to this guy again. Just disappear- its what he wanted. Staying No Contact will help you heal... but i wont lie, its going to take time... and lots of it. I myself am 8 months post-breakup and im still not fully healed. Be prepared for many ups and downs, like a rollercoaster.

[nasc88]

I agree. I think in a way when you don't get to hash it out and get answers you're just kind of left confused. This week has been tough. Really tough. I've focused on me. I've made sure to go to the gym. Eat healthy. Do things that make me feel good about myself. With that being said it has been a struggle. I just want to go home to my dog and the couch. I know that's not the answer. I miss him. I miss our contact. It stinks. Does anyone have anything special they do when they're feeling that void? That confusion? That emptiness?

 

Man I am trying but it's tough when you really thought this relationship would be the one that worked out.

[penelopeanne]

I am sorry you are going through this, I am going through something similar.

Ending a relationship via email feels so cold and selfish.

My ex and I often communicated via text, fb, email.....mostly because he is always sooooooooo busy doing a million things and spreading himself thin and not FEELING.

this is a huge turnoff to me and I can see that more clearly now.

Its been about 2.5 months for me since the breakup and it has been such a mind bending experience.

I go from missing all the nice things to being angry at him for being so immature and not giving me his time to feeling sad for him that he just couldn't face it since he is so emotionally damaged.

It is a constant pendulum of grief and emotion.

The grief has been the hardest as it is the strangest "death" I have experienced, to have someone you shared time with, had so many laughs with, slept with and in my case spent 2 years worth of time together- to have them fall off the face of the earth like that is just so bizarre. and painful.

 

so what have I done to get through this madness? I am trying to focus on me and my well being. I go to therapy and I get a massage when I can. I write a lot in a journal. I vent to friends. I spend time with my niece who is 9. I go for walks and get outside and appreciate nature. I make art. I just started getting back into yoga. I cry as much as I need to. I write out lists, like things that make me feel good or good things to focus on and hang it on my wall. I rearranged my apartment a bit. I watch funny shows before I go to bed.

 

these things help, and it is not easy. some days I want to say eff it all, I don't want to do the work! lately I have been so fed up with feeling so bummed out.

but as so many say, it will get easier, for you and for me.

Hard to see that now.

Today I severed one of our final ties- I deleted my profile from his netflix account and changed my hulu password since we were still sharing both.

I went off social media several days ago cause it was making me crazy.

I kept looking at his pages. And even though he cowardly ended things through the computer he still has the nerve to like my photos online which is SO CRAZY MAKING.

and yet, I havent been able to come to block him yet.

I don't know why.

This experience has made me feel so crazy but I know I just have to keep doing the work and be good to myself.

In the long run, why would I want to be with someone who could do something so cold and cowardly?

He is a man-boy and I much prefer a man.

Hope you are doing ok.

[Soak]

Thanks. I have. I will. I miss our interaction. He made me smile and laugh every day. You're right though. I will continue NC. It's tough though.

 

How long have you been NC now? Does it get easier?

 

Three weeks. It gets easier.

Edited May 13, 2017 by Soak

[penelopeanne]

i have been struggling with things feeling so unresolved.

but have to accept there can't be resolve with someone so avoidant?

I'm hoping the total no contact (just cut ties online), will help

[mon.]

I don't know... I believe in the power of "closure", only when the person/relationship is worth it, of course.

 

Although it may hurt a little more in the beginning, I'd reach out for a "Q&A" and to finish things properly. I think graving is the only way to mourne peacefully afterwards... Can't bear the feeling of unfinished and untalked issues, but that's me...

 

All the best in your recovery

[nasc88]

I don't know... I believe in the power of "closure", only when the person/relationship is worth it, of course.

 

Although it may hurt a little more in the beginning, I'd reach out for a "Q&A" and to finish things properly. I think graving is the only way to mourne peacefully afterwards... Can't bear the feeling of unfinished and untalked issues, but that's me...

 

All the best in your recovery

 

Thank you. He made it pretty clear that it was his schedule that was the issue. Travel and work. I don't know if I believe it but I don't think reaching out would help because I would get the same answers. It just stinks.

[mon.]

Well, then just believe his reasons (be them true or not - don't waste your energy analyzing every word he said. That's the reason he could give you and we know people just give what they have, considering their emptyness or fullness) and try to find peace over the fact you had a closure, and now you just need time to heal.

 

I'm not saying it's easy... I'm just saying you've already crossed some items out of the "Breakup recovery" list (if there is one), so you can move to the next step.

 

All the best!!!