Controlling parents....Army to Civilian transition

[anynomous34]

I moved in with my parents for the time being ... since I recently Honorably Discharged off Army due to emotional distress/major depression...

 

my parents have offered their "little guest house" which is connected to their house... as this has been great being with them again.. i also have realized how crazy they drive me too.. My plan is to finish school .. which i should have finalized by Feb of next year.. I've been using uber to pay my bills and working on my assignments.. for the most part spend my time home... doing homework.. or working uber.. my parents really want me to finally be able to finish school now that the Army will pay it makes it easier for me to live home..

 

I feel so sad right now... Why is it so hard to express boundaries with my parents... it's like I am so grateful for all of the support they have given me but at the same time I want them to give me my space so that I can get what I need to get done.. My mother is just very controlling by nature.. and she just stresses me out so much sometimes.. she constantly wants to be two steps ahead of me and my plans.. reminding me.. i dont want her doing this because it is enabling and it doesnt really do me good... i've been surviving well without them.. well minus the depression I've managed to pay my bills on time... organize my lifestyle... clothing.... maintain a healthy lifestyle...

 

She sometimes also really gets to me when she says I don't behave "feminine" or "submissive" since I'm so straightforward and direct she finds that this is offensive.. my mother is a bit more passive in the way she deals with confrontation .. thinks its wrong whenver i want to behave direct and stern.. (i learned this in the army) but i find myself falling into her personality at times... I dont want to change who I am.. because I find that the army taught me really good habits .. and i dont want to lose all of the good habits i worked so hard to attain... but being around my family i just feel like its so easy to fall back to old behaviors due to their inability to deal with their own problems ..

 

I dont know if Im making any sense... I guess Im just having trouble coping or adjusting to civilian life... I mean I only served for 2 years.. i didnt deploy.. we did do field missions... and i was active duty .. I just feel like they dont understand me at times... I think it's a Plus to be direct and straighforward I think its important to be organized.. they on the other hand are messy ... and do not follow their plans .. I just dont want to become complacent and hit a point where i let them influence me... which is so hard at times when my depression starts popping up .. like right now for example... Please help ? I just expressed to my mother how i felt... and how she has a way of being such a control freak.. and even though i assertively discussed this with her.. she always acts so hurt when i do this...i end up feeling bad for her (my mother) sometimes... she's just so sensitive whenever someone confronts her in a serious manner she cant really do that ... unless she's upset thats when she lashes out... and thats the only way she knows how to communicate... i don't know how to deal with this... because she lacks assertiveness she will pull you in on her passivity and you end up feeling bad whenever i assert myself...

 

What would you guys do in a situation like this... at this point I just want to be done with my schooling and begin looking for a place.. the moment i graduate... I dont want to be under their roof but at this point i really dont have a choice... since I could be just a homeless person... i have a good agreement with them and they have been supportive.. at the same time... i feel smothered and set back by their habits/drama and need for us to hang out or "go out to eat" with them..

 

I need my space again..

[Telemachus]

You'll have your space. You wrote that your parents (but mostly your mom) are messy, disorganized control freaks who make lots of plans that they don't carry out. So, let them plan. Let her map out your entire life. Let her stay busy with that. She loves you and considers you her "project", but she's doing it out of love. Let her talk and plan and remind to her heart's content.

 

However, do what you want and need to do, not what she's planned for you. Let her think she's running your life and helping you adjust back to civilian life, but continue to follow your own path in your actions.

 

The guest house thing is great. Even if you're eating meals together and she comes and goes in your space as she pleases, you're still under your own roof. That's a huge plus, so be grateful. If she'd pay for a non-VA counselor of your choosing, go see a therapist for an hour once a week for a private talk about your life and the things that make you feel down. Your parents will feel good about that, and it might be of benefit to you. They won't be present for the discussions. It's an hour away from them.

 

My parents are both deceased. My mother died when I was in my 20s. Your parents won't be around forever. You're probably going to live the last 30 years of your life completely without them. Your life is what you make of it. Within a few years, you'll be out of their guesthouse and in a house or apartment of your own.

 

For now, continue what you've been doing with school and work, thank them for the place to say, and remember that they won't be around forever. They will leave you alone, and, at times, you'll miss having them around. For now, make the best of it.

 

And, I thank you for your service.

[preraph]

I assume you're in therapy, so why not talk through some issues in therapy with your mother present? She needs to realize her controlling isn't doing her motherly job of preparing you to be an independent adult. She is clinging.

[Popsicle]

You only have one more year. I would tough it out. Just "yes" your parents to death until you get on your feet.

[anynomous34]

You'll have your space. You wrote that your parents (but mostly your mom) are messy, disorganized control freaks who make lots of plans that they don't carry out. So, let them plan. Let her map out your entire life. Let her stay busy with that. She loves you and considers you her "project", but she's doing it out of love. Let her talk and plan and remind to her heart's content.

 

However, do what you want and need to do, not what she's planned for you. Let her think she's running your life and helping you adjust back to civilian life, but continue to follow your own path in your actions.

 

The guest house thing is great. Even if you're eating meals together and she comes and goes in your space as she pleases, you're still under your own roof. That's a huge plus, so be grateful. If she'd pay for a non-VA counselor of your choosing, go see a therapist for an hour once a week for a private talk about your life and the things that make you feel down. Your parents will feel good about that, and it might be of benefit to you. They won't be present for the discussions. It's an hour away from them.

 

My parents are both deceased. My mother died when I was in my 20s. Your parents won't be around forever. You're probably going to live the last 30 years of your life completely without them. Your life is what you make of it. Within a few years, you'll be out of their guesthouse and in a house or apartment of your own.

 

For now, continue what you've been doing with school and work, thank them for the place to say, and remember that they won't be around forever. They will leave you alone, and, at times, you'll miss having them around. For now, make the best of it.

 

And, I thank you for your service.

 

 

Ah, thanks... You're right.. I'm pretty sure it's me just being depressed. I get in these moods sometimes... I didnt see it from your perspective you are so right. Also I did miss them a lot while I was on post.. never got to a lot of time with them..<3 Thank you

[anynomous34]

I assume you're in therapy, so why not talk through some issues in therapy with your mother present? She needs to realize her controlling isn't doing her motherly job of preparing you to be an independent adult. She is clinging.

 

 

She is.. and she can be.. she's very determined too which is annoying and funny cause this lady wont give up sometimes!!! HAHA! It's funny now... but while she's on her persuade mode* there is no stopping her.

 

Im not doing talk therapy yet.. VA is currently overlooking my case and should be contacting me..

 

This forum is hella therapeutic too though... I also stopped holding in things ... or repressing my emotions.. which has made me an honest human being... it's helped.. but at the same time has changed me.. in a good way..

[anynomous34]

You only have one more year. I would tough it out. Just "yes" your parents to death until you get on your feet.

 

You're right..

I'll be a "yes man" duuuudee... geez here I go.

[IndigoNight]

Thank you for your service. Coming from a military family, I understand that your two years in service was hard work, and that you earned every benefit you have (help with college, medical, etc.)

 

Regarding treatment at the VA: Stay on top of them, and really advocate for yourself to get the therapy or any other services you may need. The VA system is overwhelmed, and it is easy to get lost in the shuffle. Call them every week or so, be pleasant but firm, and ask for updates and/or an expected time frame of when you will be able to begin receiving their services. If there is not a VA hospital/clinic close to you, ask if they will cover your seeing a local therapist. It may help speed things along if you are willing to seek out your own therapist, instead of waiting weeks or months to see one of theirs.

 

As for your parents, take a deep breath, and keep reminding yourself that you can get through the next year. You made it through basic, and spent two years having very little control of your life in the Army. A year in your parents guesthouse; you've got this! If they drive you too crazy, seek out a study group, or other activities on campus that you enjoy, and that will help distract you from any stress on the home front.

 

If you feel overwhelmed, or your depression is weighing heavily on you, and the VA is taking too long to get you in to talk to someone, inquire about the options you may have at your college. Many colleges and universities include therapy, basic medical care, etc. in the cost of tuition. You may be able to get started on your therapy in college as you wait for the VA to figure your situation out.

 

Good luck.

[anynomous34]

Thank you for your service. Coming from a military family, I understand that your two years in service was hard work, and that you earned every benefit you have (help with college, medical, etc.)

 

Regarding treatment at the VA: Stay on top of them, and really advocate for yourself to get the therapy or any other services you may need. The VA system is overwhelmed, and it is easy to get lost in the shuffle. Call them every week or so, be pleasant but firm, and ask for updates and/or an expected time frame of when you will be able to begin receiving their services. If there is not a VA hospital/clinic close to you, ask if they will cover your seeing a local therapist. It may help speed things along if you are willing to seek out your own therapist, instead of waiting weeks or months to see one of theirs.

 

As for your parents, take a deep breath, and keep reminding yourself that you can get through the next year. You made it through basic, and spent two years having very little control of your life in the Army. A year in your parents guesthouse; you've got this! If they drive you too crazy, seek out a study group, or other activities on campus that you enjoy, and that will help distract you from any stress on the home front.

 

If you feel overwhelmed, or your depression is weighing heavily on you, and the VA is taking too long to get you in to talk to someone, inquire about the options you may have at your college. Many colleges and universities include therapy, basic medical care, etc. in the cost of tuition. You may be able to get started on your therapy in college as you wait for the VA to figure your situation out.

 

Good luck.

 

You're right thank you.. I need to CALL the VA pronto then. Appreciate it.

 

As, for my parents yeah I think I was just getting in a "emotional" state... which can make me a little on the foggy side as far as perspective goes sometimes. I really do appreciate all of the feedback.

 

School, yeah study groups.. this sounds like a great idea... especially with the upcoming assignments we've got coming along.. god knows I need the help with that..

 

I'll look into any additional help.. I mean I've already registered with the VA... it's kind of a confusing process to be quite frank.

 

I will get on the ball with this...

 

Appreciate you.