OM or move on?

[Emoandconfused]

Told my H about my affair and he gave me a second chance. Though I was relieved initially, i started to realize that it didn't feel right. After constant arguments and fact pulling from me, asking if I loved the OM he said that if I wanted a divorce, I should ask.. and I did. He left for a while and came back and apologized and said he really wants to work it out with me. I feel horrible because I can't stop thinking about the OM and I had disrespected my H. It's a time crunch since we are in the middle of moving to a new city, but scared of how things will turn out. OM is moving overseas but said that whenever I'm ready, he'll be willing to jump head first if I asked. I feel bad as we tried to end things, but always found our way back to each other and I HATE toying with emotions.

 

I am in love with the OM, but feel horrible that my H is asking for a second chance that I do not deserve at all. I owned up to my affair and take full responsibility. I feel selfish, but idk if It can go back to the way things were. I happened to have fallen in love without intentionally looking to do that. How do I get over this or how should I proceed?? H is an amazing man, but we both felt that we grew up to be different people with different wants.

[malvern99]

In your shoes, I would let your BH go. He may not see it's for the best right now, but given time and healing, he will likely be grateful you let him go. You see, he deserves someone who is in love with him, as opposed to someone staying out of a misguided sense of duty, and hopefully you will both find that in other people. Good luck.

 

Are there children involved, and if there are, are you willing to move overseas with OM?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Told my H about my affair and he gave me a second chance. Though I was relieved initially, i started to realize that it didn't feel right. After constant arguments and fact pulling from me, asking if I loved the OM he said that if I wanted a divorce, I should ask.. and I did. He left for a while and came back and apologized and said he really wants to work it out with me. I feel horrible because I can't stop thinking about the OM and I had disrespected my H. It's a time crunch since we are in the middle of moving to a new city, but scared of how things will turn out. OM is moving overseas but said that whenever I'm ready, he'll be willing to jump head first if I asked. I feel bad as we tried to end things, but always found our way back to each other and I HATE toying with emotions.

 

I am in love with the OM, but feel horrible that my H is asking for a second chance that I do not deserve at all. I owned up to my affair and take full responsibility. I feel selfish, but idk if It can go back to the way things were. I happened to have fallen in love without intentionally looking to do that. How do I get over this or how should I proceed?? H is an amazing man, but we both felt that we grew up to be different people with different wants.

 

I cannot advise you on whether to stay or leave your husband since I obviously do not know you at all or how you feel about your husband. I can tell you though that you should only get a divorce if you knew you wanted a divorce before the affair started. I'm divorced so I can assure you, it's like being pregnant, when you want a divorce, you know it.

 

I can also tell you that you should definitely not divorce your husband because you are all in love with OM. This board is full of stories of guys cutting and running after the woman gets a divorce. Again, you should only get a divorce if you want one for you.

 

Don't worry about if you deserve another chance. Turn the thinking around - your husband is married to you and he is giving you a chance because he wants and deserves a chance to fix his marriage. Again, unless it is dead and belly up, you should carefully consider your next move. Don't worry about your feelings for the OM. Feelings go away, they die. Esp because it is a fantasy and not real.

 

No you cannot go back to your old marriage and nor should you want to. You would need to built a new one.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I just read your other post. I did not realize the OM was married. You have no way of knowing whether or not his wife is actually with him or what the truth is. I would 100% not go overseas to waste your time keeping this guy company on his work assignment. Based on everything I have lived and read here it is almost guaranteed to end in heartache for you.

[Southern Sun]

I read your other thread. You are stuck in a typical affair. You've fallen in love in an office romance that wasn't even consummated until about two months ago. You are at the height of 'feelings' and though you are calling him the "OM", he is actually married also. He might be moving to this overseas location without his wife (supposedly), but that means NOTHING as it relates to whether he will stay married. Him being willing to explore his feelings with you will most likely lead to this being nothing more than another affair with another bad ending.

 

I say most likely because we all know that there are alternate endings, other things can happen. Maybe you are the 3 couples in 100 that go on to have a long term relationship. But probabilities say...

 

You and your H haven't been married that long. But what in the world was wrong? Nothing really. You just let your mind wander as well as your heart, and boom, you're in an affair. You really don't have any excuses.

 

You could go either way. Your investment in this marriage is pretty low. I don't hear any talk of kids. But you ARE married. Why just give it up? I don't see what is bad about it. I hear a bunch of laziness, frankly. If you don't love him and don't want to be with him, then do the hard thing and move on. But if you do love your husband, then you have to get this MARRIED man out of your life. Because that's what he is...a taken man who didn't have decent boundaries either.

 

Unless you see a real life and future ahead of you without your M, I would suggest slowing way down before you make more mistakes.

[Emoandconfused]

There's no kids involved on any side. Husband and I had an amazing 2 years but when we moved, we spent 3 years drifting apart and not communicating which made us feel as though we had separate lives. Yes there's the happy moments, support, and care/love for each other, but we didn't have the best communication and we learned to deal with problems ourselves. When we talk to each other, we just get agitated by the slightest things. I asked for counseling for both of us and he kept denying saying that we don't need a third party to listen to our problems and I went to counseling on my own. The affair started out slow and AP and his wife gave up on each other. When I asked for separation, it was an ultimatum saying that if we separated, we're done because he simply doesn't trust me at all, which is understandable. I guess that's why it may seem that I'm lazy to try because in a way I feel trapped.

[Southern Sun]

There's no kids involved on any side. Husband and I had an amazing 2 years but when we moved, we spent 3 years drifting apart and not communicating which made us feel as though we had separate lives. Yes there's the happy moments, support, and care/love for each other, but we didn't have the best communication and we learned to deal with problems ourselves. When we talk to each other, we just get agitated by the slightest things. I asked for counseling for both of us and he kept denying saying that we don't need a third party to listen to our problems and I went to counseling on my own. The affair started out slow and AP and his wife gave up on each other. When I asked for separation, it was an ultimatum saying that if we separated, we're done because he simply doesn't trust me at all, which is understandable. I guess that's why it may seem that I'm lazy to try because in a way I feel trapped.

 

You feel trapped because you're in love with someone else.

 

You get agitated with each other because you're in love with someone else.

 

You gave him an ultimatum because you're in love with someone else.

 

You are only considering divorce because you ALLOWED YOURSELF to fall in love with someone else...who you don't really know, BTW. You only know what he shows you at the office. You don't know his husband side. His regular side. The everyday stuff. I know you probably think you do, because you work together (believe me, BTDT), but he is presenting his best self.

 

The thing that concerns me for you is your level of justification for leaving your M. If you will end your first marriage for the reasons you state, what will happen to a second? Or third? There is just no commitment there. You are following feelings.

[jenkins95]

There are parallels between your story and mine. Me and my wife drifted apart, I had an affair and developed feelings for the OW.

 

I can tell you from experience that being "in love" with another is a horrible place to make life decisions from. I wholeheartedly agree with midnight - were you considering divorce before the A? Was your marriage miserable before the A? If not, I wouldn't advise throwing it away without working on it.

 

I was in your position and it took every ounce of logic and head versus heart thinking to choose my marriage. I'm now very glad I did. The distance can easily grow in a marriage of you don't actively work in it (easy to fall into a rut), but guess what - it can come back. And for all the horrors of affairs, one eventual good thing that can come out of them is that spouses learn that they need to constantly work on their marriage and at always putting each other first. A tough life lesson, but as midnight says, you will be building an all new marriage.

 

Of course, if the marriage was hopeless and loveless even before MM came on the scene, well that's a different story.

 

Good luck! Keep posting.

[Emoandconfused]

Thank you guys/girls. To clarify, I didn't mean to say that I gave the ultimatum, rather my husband gave me the ultimatum when I asked for a separation to take time for ourselves. he doesn't trust me enough to leave me alone and go back to the AP. It was miserable in a way that I had to deal with problems on my own and grew to stand on my own without my husband and he did the same without me. We were friends living under one roof and we spent time in the same room but on our computers. When we tried to spend quality time with each other, it leads to agitation and none of us want to be there, like it was forced. It didn't feel like a marriage and I tried to suggest therapy or spending more time together but he kept turning me down. Communication was basically gone.