Real infidelity statistics?

[Overtaxed]

So, was thinking on something today, if you read online, you'll see something like 25-80% of marriages have some infidelity in them (one partner or the other, or both). Obviously, that's a crazy margin of error, but it got me thinking, what's the "real" number and then, most specifically, what's the real number given some external factors.

 

I know, looking at my groups of friends, it's near 100% who've cheated at one time or another (men). I've cheated before, but never on my W, only on a GF, and, for those who've seen my threads, it's only through a sheer force of will that I haven't fallen into it; I don't put myself into situations where it can happen, therefore it does not happen. My W has cheated (which is what brought me here).

 

So, all that said (not really relevant to the conversation, just wanted to share some of my backstory), I'd be curious what people think the "real" infidelity rate is in certain circumstances. I'll lay out the circumstances and give my guesses (they are just guesses though), but feel free to add your own.

 

Gross number of marriages with one cheating partner - 80%

Gross number of marriages where both partners have cheated - 60%

Marriages where husband travels extensively for work - 95%

Marriages where wife travels extensively for work - 85%

Marriages where one or both partners drink heavily - 90%

Marriages involving significant income disparity for the male - 90%

Marriages where one or both partners are exceptionally good looking - 90%

 

And now the reducing factors:

 

Marriages where neither partner travels for work - 40%

Marriages where neither partner drinks - 35%

Marriages where both partners have a strong religious upbringing - 30%

Marriages where both partners were virgins when married - 20%

Marriages where neither partner is attractive - 25%

 

 

Yes, I know these numbers are very high; but, I'm drawing on my experience with this which is VERY limited, I only know a couple of men well enough for them to share this kind of stuff, and most of them would be in the 95% category, they travel for work a lot and often cheat. My circle of friends from high school, all but 1 of them has some infidelity in their lives (so I've heard, they all live in a small town and "word get's around" as they say) from either the wife or husband. So I think I may have a skewed view on this, perhaps very skewed; but what I'm really interested in is what other people think, and what factors do you think are most likely to both cause and prevent cheating?

 

Also, as an aside, going into marriage, should we start to condition ourselves to "expect this day to come" at some point? Yes, I know that's a bit defeatist, but, I honestly did anticipate, when standing with my W, that we might be here someday (but I thought I'd be the cheater, and it would be a ONS on work travel). I never wanted this day to come, much like you don't want the day to come where your partner's parents die, or when a pet dies, or any other horrible event in your life; but I also wasn't unprepared for the possibility. Doesn't much matter, it still hit me like a train, no amount of rationalizing away the statistics or the "this happens to a lot of people" helped, not even a little bit. But I am curious, is this just to be "expected" when you have 2 "high risk" partners getting together?

[Mrs. John Adams]

The thing is...how do you know in real life who has had infidelity?

 

It is not a question you ask...or a subject you discuss.

 

Have your parents cheated? How about your adult children? How do you know unless you ask?

 

I dont know if any of my friends have cheated...nor do they know if we have cheated. I dont know about church members...or co workers...or relatives.

 

SO the bottom line is this....I have told no one...so I go in the un registered catagory.

 

How many others are just like me?

 

Here's what i know...I cheated 33 years ago...he cheated 2 years later...and neither of us has cheated since.

 

I really dont care what the staitistics are. We are 62 and 64...we are happy....case closed.

[DKT3]

Scientific studies are accurate and only need a small sample size.

 

I don't know if my parents cheated, or if any of my mom 7 sisters or 3 brothers​. I know statically speaking 7 of them has had infidelity touch Thier relationship.

[Overtaxed]

Scientific studies are accurate and only need a small sample size.

 

I don't know if my parents cheated, or if any of my mom 7 sisters or 3 brothers​. I know statically speaking 7 of them has had infidelity touch Thier relationship.

 

This is true, but there are no studies (that I know of) that examine the exaggerating factors that I propose in this, admittedly useless, thought exercise. Also, I really do question the stats because, no matter how many times a researcher tells you "It's anonymous", there's still a bias to lie, especially if you've had an A and never been found out.

 

The studies that say 50% (and, that's just a number, as I said, some studies show 20%, some show 80%, so even those are all over the map) are pulling from the general population. People who never spend a minute apart and people who travel 200 days a year. And that's fine for putting together a view of "overall cheating", but it's useless if you're trying to apply it to your specific situation. Let's take a well known example, if you marry a movie star, your chances of infidelity appear to be approximately 100%. The 50% number does not apply to them because they have a bunch of other factors at play; beauty/power/wealth/fame. So their chances of having infidelity touch them are dramatically higher than the couple who marries as virgins and lives in rural America where the husband and wife work together on the farm. Sure, the aggregate number is 50 (maybe, who knows), but the movie star's number is 100 and the farming couples number is 0. That matters a lot, especially when you're trying to figure out how these statistics apply to you and your marriage.

[Quiet Storms]

Scientific studies are not necessarily accurate, especially if they have a small sample size. Speaking as a person with a graduate degree in statistics.

 

However, something like this would not be a scientific study. It would be a survey, which are notoriously less accurate than any kind of a scientific study. They can be biased based on who is asked -- if the survey population is not representative of the overall population. For example, using members of this forum for a survey would be wildly unrepresentative of the general population.

 

The biggest problem in infidelity surveys is under-reporting (especially in the case where both spouses are asked). However, asking just one spouse whether there was infidelity in either spouse would also result in under-reporting.

 

Another problem is defining "cheating" because people do not define it the same way.

[Mrs. John Adams]

This is true, but there are no studies (that I know of) that examine the exaggerating factors that I propose in this, admittedly useless, thought exercise. Also, I really do question the stats because, no matter how many times a researcher tells you "It's anonymous", there's still a bias to lie, especially if you've had an A and never been found out.

 

The studies that say 50% (and, that's just a number, as I said, some studies show 20%, some show 80%, so even those are all over the map) are pulling from the general population. People who never spend a minute apart and people who travel 200 days a year. And that's fine for putting together a view of "overall cheating", but it's useless if you're trying to apply it to your specific situation. Let's take a well known example, if you marry a movie star, your chances of infidelity appear to be approximately 100%. The 50% number does not apply to them because they have a bunch of other factors at play; beauty/power/wealth/fame. So their chances of having infidelity touch them are dramatically higher than the couple who marries as virgins and lives in rural America where the husband and wife work together on the farm. Sure, the aggregate number is 50 (maybe, who knows), but the movie star's number is 100 and the farming couples number is 0. That matters a lot, especially when you're trying to figure out how these statistics apply to you and your marriage.

 

ok..please tell me...what difference it might make about the statistics?

 

All that really matters is what has happened to you.

 

ok..I cheated...he cheated...we reconciled

 

how does any other statistic affect our outcome?

 

I was a virgin...never dated another man except him....we were both from small towns...

 

does this apply to your marriage?

 

I guess I am having a hard time trying to figure out what you are trying to figure out.....

 

It is what it is...are you trying to figure out your future relationships?

 

Ok it is 50/50....

[somanymistakes]

I think it's a really bad idea to pull numbers out of thin air and act like they're statistics.

 

I mean, I know it's just how you feel, you're not stating them as facts, but far too often I've seen people having this sort of hypothetical conversation and then someone who isn't paying enough attention to read the context and JUST sees a bunch of numbers, copies and pastes it like it's fact.

 

There's a lot of bogus 'statistics' that are very popular on the internet and everyone repeats over and over again that have no basis in fact.

 

I don't want to contribute to that.

 

As for how I personally think? Yeah, I think couples where one partner travels for work are far more likely to end up with cheating happening, although in a couple cases I know of it was the partner left behind at home who cheated rather than the one who was away.

 

I think if you want a faithful monogamous partner you don't marry a pilot.

 

I don't think a religious upbringing makes that much difference, unfortunately. Obviously someone with personal integrity is going to be less likely to stray, but integrity is not tied to a religious upbringing in my experience. There are good religious people and bad religious people, there are people who use their faith as an excuse to practice terrible abuses, there are people who cynically take advantage of their religion's emphasis on forgiveness to stray time and time again and know that they will always be taken back.

 

I am highly uncertain of the effects of both partners being virgins when married. I've seen too many cases where that's exactly what led to the cheating and breakup - the feeling that they were missing out because they'd never been with anyone else so they didn't really know what else was out there.

 

I would agree that mainstream attractive/rich/famous people who are constantly bombarded with offers and opportunities are far, far more likely to cheat. Most people can't resist temptation indefinitely.

[NTV]

What's the statistical probability of college artwork being good?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think it's a really bad idea to pull numbers out of thin air and act like they're statistics.

 

I mean, I know it's just how you feel, you're not stating them as facts, but far too often I've seen people having this sort of hypothetical conversation and then someone who isn't paying enough attention to read the context and JUST sees a bunch of numbers, copies and pastes it like it's fact.

 

There's a lot of bogus 'statistics' that are very popular on the internet and everyone repeats over and over again that have no basis in fact.

 

I don't want to contribute to that.

 

As for how I personally think? Yeah, I think couples where one partner travels for work are far more likely to end up with cheating happening, although in a couple cases I know of it was the partner left behind at home who cheated rather than the one who was away.

 

I think if you want a faithful monogamous partner you don't marry a pilot.

 

I don't think a religious upbringing makes that much difference, unfortunately. Obviously someone with personal integrity is going to be less likely to stray, but integrity is not tied to a religious upbringing in my experience. There are good religious people and bad religious people, there are people who use their faith as an excuse to practice terrible abuses, there are people who cynically take advantage of their religion's emphasis on forgiveness to stray time and time again and know that they will always be taken back.

 

I am highly uncertain of the effects of both partners being virgins when married. I've seen too many cases where that's exactly what led to the cheating and breakup - the feeling that they were missing out because they'd never been with anyone else so they didn't really know what else was out there.

 

I would agree that mainstream attractive/rich/famous people who are constantly bombarded with offers and opportunities are far, far more likely to cheat. Most people can't resist temptation indefinitely.

 

My husband travels 50% of the time....I am confident he does not cheat.

 

If a person wants to cheat...they will...it doesn't matter where the cheating transpires.

[Overtaxed]

ok..please tell me...what difference it might make about the statistics?

 

All that really matters is what has happened to you.

 

ok..I cheated...he cheated...we reconciled

 

how does any other statistic affect our outcome?

 

I was a virgin...never dated another man except him....we were both from small towns...

 

does this apply to your marriage?

 

I guess I am having a hard time trying to figure out what you are trying to figure out.....

 

It is what it is...are you trying to figure out your future relationships?

 

Ok it is 50/50....

 

Doesn't effect my marriage at all, it's simply an intellectual curiosity. It seems so near 100% in my experience that I simply "prepared for it" and did everything in my power to prevent it, but that's primarily, IMHO, because my social circle is made up mostly of men who travel extensively for business and are rich/powerful. Of course there are always exceptions, I would guess, from what I've read about your M, that if there was a survey on people in your situation, the cheating stats would be FAR lower than 50% (assuming that's the correct aggregate number).

 

Again, this is not to make me feel better, this isn't really about my relationship at all, it's simply an intellectual curiosity, nothing more. It's not like any number is going to make me feel better (or worse), just that I wonder how many other people with a marriage "like mine" are in the same situation.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Doesn't effect my marriage at all, it's simply an intellectual curiosity. It seems so near 100% in my experience that I simply "prepared for it" and did everything in my power to prevent it, but that's primarily, IMHO, because my social circle is made up mostly of men who travel extensively for business and are rich/powerful. Of course there are always exceptions, I would guess, from what I've read about your M, that if there was a survey on people in your situation, the cheating stats would be FAR lower than 50% (assuming that's the correct aggregate number).

 

Again, this is not to make me feel better, this isn't really about my relationship at all, it's simply an intellectual curiosity, nothing more. It's not like any number is going to make me feel better (or worse), just that I wonder how many other people with a marriage "like mine" are in the same situation.

 

well no matter what the statisitcs are ....we both cheated. It doesn't really matter....we cant undo it....and i dont know if other people like us have cheated or not....it doesn't change what happened to us.

 

You cvan plot and figure and calculate from now to eternity. Your fate is what it is....mine is what it is....and there is not a damn thing i can do to change it.

 

Statistics would say...cheating should not have happened to us. Now what?

[Quiet Storms]

What's the statistical probability of college artwork being good?

 

Depends on how you define "good".

 

IMO the likelihood of cheating depends far more on the character of the individuals involved than it does on what they do for a living, how much they travel, etc.

[JohnAdams]

As Mrs. JA said, I travel 50% of the time on business. I do not dispute that cheating probably happens to people who travel on business, I have never and I have never even witnessed flirting, people trying to hook up, or inappropriate behavior. I have a retired colonel, and pilot that works for me. He is a dedicated family man. I do not know if he has ever cheated, but, I seriously doubt it. So, I guess I am saying, who knows? The only people we can control is us. In our case 100% has cheated. I would hope that is not the case for most people. I still have hope in the human race. I hope the majority of people in this world are honorable people who keep their word. I am a man of principle. Being true to your significant other is the least of what a person can do.

[Overtaxed]

Depends on how you define "good".

 

IMO the likelihood of cheating depends far more on the character of the individuals involved than it does on what they do for a living, how much they travel, etc.

 

I don't think I agree. Why do pilots have such high rates of infidelity? Why do actors near 100%? I can't believe everyone in those professions has poor character, what they have is access to willing APs and opportunity to act on it. And that's the point of this thread (and very sorry if I've offended or annoyed people with it, that was not my intent), to try to discuss what things really increase chances of cheating that are external factors. Sure, if you're of poor character, you'll find a way to cheat while your in a max security prison. But that's not most people, most people who cheat don't have poor character (Mrs. Adams is a perfect example of that) they have a weakness that's in their life/marriage or inside them that leads them to it. They exhibit poor character, yes, but saying that "cheaters have poor character" is a tautology, of course that's true, but it doesn't help determine what leads to those poor decisions.

 

So, seems like we agree on some of them, marrying a pilot is a pretty likely trip to LoveShack in the future. As would be marrying an actor or, IMHO, a rich man. But, for the pilots wife who's at home crying tonight, would she have made a different decision in marrying him if she knew that 95% of pilots cheated (I'M MAKING UP THAT NUMBER, DO NOT CITE IT ANYWHERE)? I think it would. Either to ease her pain (it's not me, pretty much every woman at the Christmas party has been there too) or to help her make a decision before marriage that "I'm not going to marry a pilot because, chances are, he'll cheat on me". I think this kind of information would be much more helpful to draw a realistic picture of "cheating behavior" than a raw statistic and help people realize they are in good company (or not) and make decisions as to who they marry and what they should expect.

[Mrs. John Adams]

but you see...our "odds" are low and yet we cheated....so what does any of this prove?

 

I guess I am trying to figure out what you are looking for.

[Chica80]

I've read it's about 50% of marraiges....

But I think depending on circumstances or profession those numbers can be higher or lower.

 

For example professions with high stress law enforcement, medicine, military etc those marraiges tend to have higher infidelity rates so it can skew your view to make it seem like it's all marraiges.

[Quiet Storms]

I don't think I agree. Why do pilots have such high rates of infidelity? Why do actors near 100%? I can't believe everyone in those professions has poor character, what they have is access to willing APs and opportunity to act on it. And that's the point of this thread (and very sorry if I've offended or annoyed people with it, that was not my intent), to try to discuss what things really increase chances of cheating that are external factors. Sure, if you're of poor character, you'll find a way to cheat while your in a max security prison. But that's not most people, most people who cheat don't have poor character (Mrs. Adams is a perfect example of that) they have a weakness that's in their life/marriage or inside them that leads them to it. They exhibit poor character, yes, but saying that "cheaters have poor character" is a tautology, of course that's true, but it doesn't help determine what leads to those poor decisions.

 

So, seems like we agree on some of them, marrying a pilot is a pretty likely trip to LoveShack in the future. As would be marrying an actor or, IMHO, a rich man. But, for the pilots wife who's at home crying tonight, would she have made a different decision in marrying him if she knew that 95% of pilots cheated (I'M MAKING UP THAT NUMBER, DO NOT CITE IT ANYWHERE)? I think it would. Either to ease her pain (it's not me, pretty much every woman at the Christmas party has been there too) or to help her make a decision before marriage that "I'm not going to marry a pilot because, chances are, he'll cheat on me". I think this kind of information would be much more helpful to draw a realistic picture of "cheating behavior" than a raw statistic and help people realize they are in good company (or not) and make decisions as to who they marry and what they should expect.

 

First of all, I wasn't referring to the Adams' family when I wrote that bit about poor character. They clearly don't fit that mold.

 

So is it the chicken or the egg? Do pilots cheat more often because they are pilots, or do people who are more likely to cheat for other reasons tend to veer towards careers in which they can cheat?

 

I guess it doesn't really matter in terms of your statistics. If 95 percent of pilots cheat, it doesn't matter why. (By the way, I don't think that 95 percent of pilots cheat).

 

What is it then, if it's not character, that makes certain people cheat when others never do? Is it all about opportunity? I don't believe that either. You're the perfect example, someone who travels all the time but refuses to interact with any female near your own age. SOMETHING has caused you to take yourself out of what you consider to be a situation of high risk. Isn't that character?

[Doorstopper]

I laughed out load when I saw religious upbringing as a reducing factor. I suppose that would mean conservatives (Republicans) would be less likely to cheat than (liberals) Democrats. This is hilarious.

 

.. And virgins when married? wouldn't they be more likely to want to try someone else's forbidden fruit when they realize they have been missing something?

 

.... and Ugly vs pretty people? Do you really think that pretty people have looser morals or is it that ugly people just don't get the chance?

 

All you are doing here is showing your bias.

[Fresnite]

ugly people just don't get the chance

 

+1

 

This

[Overtaxed]

I laughed out load when I saw religious upbringing as a reducing factor. I suppose that would mean conservatives (Republicans) would be less likely to cheat than (liberals) Democrats. This is hilarious.

 

.. And virgins when married? wouldn't they be more likely to want to try someone else's forbidden fruit when they realize they have been missing something?

 

.... and Ugly vs pretty people? Do you really think that pretty people have looser morals or is it that ugly people just don't get the chance?

 

All you are doing here is showing your bias.

 

I am making a guess here; and yes, I would guess that religious upbringing does reduce rates of infidelity. My "bias"? I was raised in a non-religious household and am an atheist. I've never cheated. My wife was raised in a strictly religious household, and she did cheat. So I'm not sure what "bias" I'm showing other than a guess that religious teachings, in my mind, may lead to lower rates of infidelity (even though it was certainly not true in my case).

 

Virgin brides are far less likely to get divorced; so much so that it's almost shocking to me when I read the statistics. I would suppose then, that since a lot of D's are caused by infidelity; that there's a good chance that means there are less A's in a virgin marriage. Not a bias, I was not a virgin when married, neither was my W. It's a supposition based on reading; which could be entirely wrong, but, like I've said in a few posts, I'm curious what other people think are contributing factors; things that are more likely to result in cheating in a relationship.

 

Study Reveals Key Detail About Women Who Are Virgins When They Get Married ? TheBlaze

 

And yes, ugly vs pretty, in my eyes, would certainly be a contributing factor. Attractive men, in particular, are going to get more "bites at the apple" than a less attractive man. For women, it matters less, there's always a willing AP out there for them, but I have to imagine that there's still some correlation.

 

I'm not sure why everyone is taking this thread so personally. I'm not attacking pilots and saying they are all bad. Nor am I saying that every ugly woman who's a virgin is going to be faithful. But, I'd bet my life that it's MORE LIKELY that an ugly virgin remain faithful to his wife than a handsome pilot. But the A stats are all blended, you have ugly virgins and movie stars in there, 50% doesn't really help anyone determine what their individual chances are of being rocked by an A. That's the conversation I wanted to have.

[gettingstronger]

The only stat that matters is your own marriage- knowing 20,40 or 80 % of my friends have gone through this too brings me zero comfort or anything useful. It's just a horrible experience.

[Quiet Storms]

I'm not sure why everyone is taking this thread so personally. I'm not attacking pilots and saying they are all bad. Nor am I saying that every ugly woman who's a virgin is going to be faithful. But, I'd bet my life that it's MORE LIKELY that an ugly virgin remain faithful to his wife than a handsome pilot. But the A stats are all blended, you have ugly virgins and movie stars in there, 50% doesn't really help anyone determine what their individual chances are of being rocked by an A. That's the conversation I wanted to have.

 

I think the difficulty you are having here is that 50% doesn't equal a coin flip. Because you are looking at only one variable.

 

I didn't take anything you said (about pilots or otherwise) personally. But I think you are oversimplifying something that is actually more complicated. There are a plethora of reasons why people choose to have an affair. It isn't "just" about their career or because they have opportunity.

 

I think you are trying to find statistics that will enable people to somewhat "predict" what their chances are of having their world blown apart by an affair. Problem is, you can never do that. Because it's a combination of factors that lead people to be able to make that choice. Opportunity is one (but only one). So you would need a very complicated formula to distinguish anything.

 

And even then, it wouldn't matter. The odds of any marriage being affected by an affair are either high, or higher. That's the fact.

[IwasJeannie]

Not sure about statistics but I know all kinds of people, it's my job to know them and I can tell you that 95% of them, given enough time with me tell me their stories which include cheating, swinging, open marriages. You name it, they're doing it. BTW I'm a professional so I'm not talking about people in bars or strip clubs or even airlines.

 

Super religious people, people in happy marriages, people in unhappy marriages, stay at home moms and dads, working professionals, republicans, democrats, old, young, fat, skinny, pretty and ugly ,rich, poor and people in long term marriages. People who insist their spouse doesn't cheat (lots are) and people who insist they never would (end up doing it)

 

I've learned not to judge, it's not my place anyway and realizing you may someday be in that spot, the same exact spot where you threw stones doesn't end well. We should all be a little more kind to each other instead of sitting up on that high horse all alone.

Edited May 3, 2017 by IwasJeannie

[gettingstronger]

Not sure about statistics but I know all kinds of people, it's my job to know them and I can tell you that 95% of them, given enough time with me tell me their stories which include cheating, swinging, open marriages. You name it, they're doing it. BTW I'm a professional so I'm not talking about people in bars or strip clubs or even airlines.

 

Super religious people, people in happy marriages, people in unhappy marriages, stay at home moms and dads, working professionals, republicans, democrats, old, young, fat, skinny, pretty and ugly ,rich, poor and people in long term marriages. People who insist their spouse doesn't cheat (lots are) and people who insist they never would (end up doing it)

 

I've learned not to judge, it's not my place anyway and realizing you may someday be in that spot, the same exact spot where you threw stones doesn't end well. We should all be a little more kind to each other instead of sitting up on that high horse all alone.

 

 

On this I agree- I don't think there's a type that cheats or a type that gets cheated on- while my husband travels extensively, I never pegged him for a cheater- I also don't fit the mold of BS- our marriage never skipped a beat during his A- therapy has helped a lot but never really answers the why. It's frustrating for sure.

[Mr. Lucky]

And now the reducing factors:

 

Marriages where neither partner travels for work - 40%

Marriages where neither partner drinks - 35%

Marriages where both partners have a strong religious upbringing - 30%

Marriages where both partners were virgins when married - 20%

Marriages where neither partner is attractive - 25%

 

In my next life, I'm going to look for a plain, sober, church-going homebody. She won't cheat but I'm not sure how much fun we'll have...

 

Mr. Lucky