Message from BS

[Fran85]

I received several angry message requests on social media from AP's wife. She told me how much she hates me and that she and AP are working on healing their relationship (despite the fact that AP continues to send me messages daily). While I feel bad for being involved in this mess, I don't see any purpose in responding to her message or acknowledging that I've "seen" the message. Do I owe her a response?

[Overtaxed]

I received several angry message requests on social media from AP's wife. She told me how much she hates me and that she and AP are working on healing their relationship (despite the fact that AP continues to send me messages daily). While I feel bad for being involved in this mess, I don't see any purpose in responding to her message or acknowledging that I've "seen" the message. Do I owe her a response?

 

No. You do owe her the curiosity of blocking your AP though, you should not know he's sending you messages every day; he should be totally removed and blocked for every avenue of contacting you. And if she asks "what happened", IMHO, she does deserve the truth from you. But, beyond that, I'd stay away from it and let her vent her pain at you; it hurts you a lot less than it helps her.

[aileD]

You owe her the courtesy of not cheating with her husband.

[BTDT2012]

Block both of them and get on with your life.

[Whoknew30]

I talked to my H OW but not angrily, well at first but then said sorry & we actually had a heart to heart...but from what you're explaining, no I wouldn't if I were you. What I would do, is screen shot his messages (making sure the date can be seen) & send them to her of she continues.

 

You owe her at least letting her know her H is really a jerk & he's her problem, not particularly you.

[Whoknew30]

No. You do owe her the curiosity of blocking your AP though, you should not know he's sending you messages every day; he should be totally removed and blocked for every avenue of contacting you. And if she asks "what happened", IMHO, she does deserve the truth from you. But, beyond that, I'd stay away from it and let her vent her pain at you; it hurts you a lot less than it helps her.

 

Moral or not...in an A the only person that "owes" anything is the WS to the BS. No one should put up with verbal abuse to make a BS feel better about their cheating spouse.

[whichwayisup]

I received several angry message requests on social media from AP's wife. She told me how much she hates me and that she and AP are working on healing their relationship (despite the fact that AP continues to send me messages daily). While I feel bad for being involved in this mess, I don't see any purpose in responding to her message or acknowledging that I've "seen" the message. Do I owe her a response?

 

Well you have a decision to make. Either continue to be with this MM and know he's scum or tell him to go home to his wife and not to contact you again.

 

If you truly feel bad for being in this mess then you'll end it, apologize to her for your part in having an affair with her husband and leave (him) them alone. By apologizing to her it'll give you some peace that you're not as selfish and cruel as he is.

 

I hope you realize he's probably telling her lies about you, just like he's lied to you about his wife. Greatly exaggerated to make him look like the victim in all this.

[IwasJeannie]

I don't think you "owe" her anything but if you want to help her piece the puzzle together so she knows what her husband has done so she can make an informed decision about her life then go for it. If she's going to name call and insult you I'd say no. Let her husband have the pleasure of her wrath. He's earned it.

[WarriorBabe]

If he's pretending to his wife that he's working on the marriage and still constantly talking to you, he owes you and his wife the decency to be a man about the position he has put his wife through and you. Either sh** or get off the pot.

[aileD]

Fran are you still in the affair?

[Fran85]

Yes, unfortunately. I ended it for a while but inevitably fell back in. It's been a struggle to say the least. ?

[freengreen]

Gosh, I see the hurt on her side ... i dont know if you owe her a response or not but remember that your AP is potentially capable of putting you in a much worse spot than she is in now.

[aileD]

Yes, unfortunately. I ended it for a while but inevitably fell back in. It's been a struggle to say the least. ?

 

Ok so this is what I thought of when I asked that question.

 

He had a chance to leave his wife on D-day. But instead he decided to stay with his wife and lie about reconciling so he could still keep you on the side.

 

How does that make any sense? He had the chance to leave and it was out in the open. But he chose not to....and he chose to lie to her, and he chose to keep you in your "place"....why? Do you realize that you will NEVER be his first choice? I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm just looking at his actions. He had the chance, and he didn't.

 

I'm a BS and I contacted my Husbands AP. The first time it was to tell her I knew about the affair and ask that she be a decent person and back off to give me and H a chance to figure if our marriage was worth saving or not without someone else involved (he got same talk).

 

You don't owe her a call, you don't owe her a response. But, as a decent human being I think you do owe her and him the chance to either reconcile or divorce ALONE. Especially if there are children involved. If you were her, wouldn't you want the same courtesy?

[elaine567]

I think you should step back and ask yourself what you actually want to do with your life.

You are recently married but have been having this affair with a married man for all of it.

What is your goal here?

This MM with no kids and with an ostensibly free choice has chosen to reconcile with his wife and slotted you into the OW position.

This is not some great love affair, you are the definite number two in his life, so why are you hanging on in there?

 

Yes, you probably see it as some sort of a competition and you are bound to win over his "second rate" wife, but you have already lost the first battle.

On Dday he didn't come running to you saying "We can now be together, I love you with all of my heart, she means nothing to me" did he?

NO he stayed with her and sneaked back to you behind her back when the coast was clear.

The chances of this working out well for you are about nil.

Even if she did chuck him out and he came running to you, do you really want a man who thinks you are the consolation prize...

 

Truth is many MM do not rate the OW, especially a MW - they use her for their own needs and do not usually see her as marriage material.

"She cheated with me, so she is totally untrustworthy..."

 

Try to put this all into perspective and start thinking long term.

Hanging around with a MM rarely works out well for an OW. Even if you do ever "win" him, what have you won?

A man that you could never really trust...

[Overtaxed]

I think you should step back and ask yourself what you actually want to do with your life.

You are recently married but have been having this affair with a married man for all of it.

What is your goal here?

This MM with no kids and with an ostensibly free choice has chosen to reconcile with his wife and slotted you into the OW position.

This is not some great love affair, you are the definite number two in his life, so why are you hanging on in there?

 

Yes, you probably see it as some sort of a competition and you are bound to win over his "second rate" wife, but you have already lost the first battle.

On Dday he didn't come running to you saying "We can now be together, I love you with all of my heart, she means nothing to me" did he?

NO he stayed with her and sneaked back to you behind her back when the coast was clear.

The chances of this working out well for you are about nil.

Even if she did chuck him out and he came running to you, do you really want a man who thinks you are the consolation prize...

 

Truth is many MM do not rate the OW, especially a MW - they use her for their own needs and do not usually see her as marriage material.

"She cheated with me, so she is totally untrustworthy..."

 

Try to put this all into perspective and start thinking long term.

Hanging around with a MM rarely works out well for an OW. Even if you do ever "win" him, what have you won?

A man that you could never really trust...

 

Amen Elaine, amen.

 

To your last statement, I'd just say that is generally true unless, as the OW, you really just do want NSA sex. Then it can be a "good" relationship to hang out with a MM. Thing is, very few woman are actually out looking for NSA sex, and they can get it from plenty of single men, so, it's still a bad deal (and morally reprehensible behavior for the MM) but at least you, as the OW, get what you're looking for in that relationship.

 

And the first part, yes, in spades. The madonna/whore complex; and yes, it's true/real and men do it with women all the time. He loves sleeping with you, I'm sure, but, because of the situation, he's never going to respect you; he can't, you've done something with him that shows him that you're below his respect. I can't think of a single relationship that I know of that worked out when the woman was cheating and left to be with the AP (and only 2 that I can think of where it worked out the other way, man left to be with the AP). You're fighting an uphill battle that's almost unwinnable. And, like Elaine says, if you do win, what have you won? A man who's shown himself to be of poor character and who will almost without question, do this to you in a few a years.

 

Yes, there are some starcrossed lover stories here, and out there, and those tend to get a lot of press because it's the narrative that "love conquers all" and we're naturally drawn to that. But, much like winning the lottery, there's a lot of press on the guy who hits the Powerball and almost no press on the millions of other people who are flushing their money down the drain. At least in the case of the lottery, it's just money, you can make more. In the case of an A, in many cases, it's your life you're flushing down the drain, and you only get one of those, no redos.

[aileD]

I have to add personal experience and cheater logic to this :

 

He loves sleeping with you, I'm sure, but, because of the situation, he's never going to respect you; he can't, you've done something with him that shows him that you're below his respect.

 

Truth is many MM do not rate the OW, especially a MW - they use her for their own needs and do not usually see her as marriage material.

"She cheated with me, so she is totally untrustworthy..."

 

It's true. As messed up as it sounds and as much sense as is totally does NOT make...it's true. My husband said repeatedly to me that he knew it wouldn't work out in long run with his AP. That he couldn't be with someone who "would be okay taking a man away from his wife and kids because she wanted him"

 

I swear to god he said those exact words. The man who is cheating on his wife and kids finds himself unable to want a future the woman he is cheating with because he doesn't respect the fact she's cheating with him.

 

No it doesn't make sense. But yes, that's the way they think. Especially the ones that don't leave their wives right on d-day.

[elaine567]

Everyone wants the best for themselves and no-one wants to settle for less, so whilst sometimes you get people with obvious big faults settling for others with obvious big faults, you usually find that people look for someone who is perceived to be "better" than themselves in order to negate their own shortcomings or as an attempt to pull themselves up into a better place.

 

A "cheater" therefore doesn't want another "cheater" as a long term partner.

No, they want someone who is upright, honest and true, someone they can trust and rely on...

[NTV]

Lol, I originally misread the title of your post as 'massage' and thought to myself "alright. .. This is going to be a weird one..." but I clicked on it anyways.

 

But it isn't wierd. It's just kinda sad. No you don't 'owe' her anything. If you want to be nice you'd give her the link to survivinginfidelity.com and stop seeing her husband. Not that it'd really matter to her marriage because you're probably one of several women this guy has on the hook. I mean if he's going to go fishing in the forbidden pond why would he stop at the first fish he caught?

 

On a side note, since you're in the owing and debt frame of mind, this advice creates a $20 debt. So you owe me.

[Miss Clavel]

Despite what he's telling me about his own marriage (the usual - no sex, fighting, he thinks she dumb, etc) he insists that he has an obligation to fix his marriage before he is ready to divorce.

 

uh, the fix is the divorce, hello? does he not see that? you want him. be quiet and wait.

 

they all go back. or try to. they can't face themselves and the fact that other people not only know they are **** heels but they do too. it's called a mirror.

 

he thinks if he stays it lessens the offence. that he only made a mistake. he's not really the kind of person that would do something this bad. it's your fault.

 

if you let her know what he's up to behind her back, once again, i'm pretty sure she will throw him out.

 

this will make him feel better because he's got a guilty conscience and he'll see it as the punishment he richly deserves.

 

don't take him in right away. you both need to do penance first. starting with your husband.

[Starswillshine]

No, you don't owe her anything. But the human thing to do would to be to acknowledge your part in causing her pain and apologize.

 

She is hurt, angry, and lashing out. Don't worry, her husband is getting it, too. I am sure you know this, though. And so what, she called you some names? What is that in comparison to what you have taken part in.

 

I contacted the OW. I was kind. I would have understood if she never responded. I called her a choice word or two after she got all huffy with me. I don't feel bad about it. Although, I am disappointed in myself because I generally hold myself to a higher standard than name calling.

 

I see from your post there is some sort of smugness though. "He still contacts me daily." (Obvs not the direct quote, I'm on my phone.) This isnt a competition between you and his wife. No one wins... And if he HAD to choose someone, it would be his wife.

[wmacbride]

Well you have a decision to make. Either continue to be with this MM and know he's scum or tell him to go home to his wife and not to contact you again.

 

If you truly feel bad for being in this mess then you'll end it, apologize to her for your part in having an affair with her husband and leave (him) them alone. By apologizing to her it'll give you some peace that you're not as selfish and cruel as he is.

 

I hope you realize he's probably telling her lies about you, just like he's lied to you about his wife. Greatly exaggerated to make him look like the victim in all this.

 

I will give you the same advice I have before to ow in your situation...

 

If the A is over, then I would send her a response that acknowledges and takes responsibility for your actions. Don't run yourself down, just say you are sorry your actions hurt her.

 

If you feel you are in a strong enough place mentally, you can create a web based email account( e.g.-gmail) and tell her that if she has any questions, etc., she can send them to that and you will do your best to answer them. If you like, you can set the parameters and conditions. For example, tell her that you will accept a message from her to that email address in three days time. You will only do this once, so she should take some time to think about what she wants to ask and say.

 

if she takes you up on your offer, do your best to answer her questions without blaming her spouse for your actions. At the end of your response, let her know that you do not wish to have any further contact with her in any other way, and if she keeps it up, you will take further action. If you want to leave the account open, you can, and she may well continue to send messages to it, but that doesn't mean you have to answer them or even read them.

 

This way, you can try giving her the information she needs and you will have also laid the foundation for a legitimate harassment complaint if she doesn't stop. ( make sure you keep a screenshot and copy of the letter and proof that it was sent)

 

I can't promise this will work, but it may.

[Lady2163]

If you are still in the affair and think you have a future with MM, best bet is to ask him what he wants you to do.

 

Have you talked with her since DDAY? If you've already apologized (whether you meant it or not), then I don't think you should bother responding to an angry message. She can hurt and rail against him. If you have already apologized, she just wants continued validation this wasn't her fault, there's nothing wrong with her. It isn't your human requirement to continue to,validate her.

 

BS might put their WS through hell, but at the end of the day, if they push too much, they know many WS will throw in the towel. They may not run to the other, but they might leave. So, they can only rant and rail so much against the spouse.

 

"Yes, I had an affair but he/she made my life a living nightmare while I was genuinely trying to work on the marriage. I just gave up." Insert various examples here....

[sandylee1]

What would be the point of responding?

 

Unless you you're going to tell her the affair is ongoing, I don't think you have anything to say that she'd want to hear

[goodyblue]

If you are still in the affair and think you have a future with MM, best bet is to ask him what he wants you to do.

 

Have you talked with her since DDAY? If you've already apologized (whether you meant it or not), then I don't think you should bother responding to an angry message. She can hurt and rail against him. If you have already apologized, she just wants continued validation this wasn't her fault, there's nothing wrong with her. It isn't your human requirement to continue to,validate her.

 

BS might put their WS through hell, but at the end of the day, if they push too much, they know many WS will throw in the towel. They may not run to the other, but they might leave. So, they can only rant and rail so much against the spouse.

 

"Yes, I had an affair but he/she made my life a living nightmare while I was genuinely trying to work on the marriage. I just gave up." Insert various examples here....

 

This is what I think as well. I don't think women truly punish the MM as much as we all like to think. My H's ex just wanted things to go back to normal with me out of the picture. I don't blame her, that is just her way, but she certainly knew if she railed, he would never allow it.

[freengreen]

Lol, I originally misread the title of your post as 'massage' and thought to myself "alright. .. This is going to be a weird one..." but I clicked on it anyways.

 

hahaha...a ray of giggle in all the sadness here..