Contemplating Separation/Divorce

[PTEX404]

Geez, never thought I'd find myself on a forum like this. But I'm here so Hi! I'm 46, married 17 years this year and two amazing kids.

 

My wife is 40 and we've enjoyed a great marriage. She's a wonderful mother to our kids and a great wife. We love each other but over the last year some things have changed that are creating friction in our marriage.

 

I guess you could say, my sexual desire has grown while hers has declined. We lead busy lives with raising two kids and tending to a busy business we have built together. Over the years she has also become a very pessimistic person, always complaining about the little things. All the while I've maintained my inherently positive and pragmatic outlook on life. Over the last year I'm finding that her pessimistic outlook and lack of sex drives me away. It makes me not like her as a person and I feel bad about it but at the same time I feel better when I have alone moments. I find myself contemplating how life would be if we were not together. Something I find terrifying but also something that is a growing curiosity.

 

I'm alone, I feel alone in the marriage and terrified by what Divorce could do to our children. Maybe I just want to know I'm not alone.

 

[aileD]

Are you religious?

[IwasJeannie]

You're not alone. My ex and I had many struggles. I wanted nothing more than to fix it and keep my family together and be in love. I stayed for several years hoping things would improve, I went to counseling alone because he wouldn't go and I tried suppressing my feelings. Eventually I made the decision to leave, hardest decision I've ever had to make. I felt like I had no right to change my children's lives but I felt that if I stayed I would be miserable forever. It was gut wrenching. 5 years of a bad marriage and 4 years since I left and I'm still not ok but my kids are happy. Our home was not a happy home and they knew it. Whatever you decide, it's not easy. It's a sad, dark place to be.

[PTEX404]

Are you religious?

 

No, we're both atheists.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm alone, I feel alone in the marriage and terrified by what Divorce could do to our children. Maybe I just want to know I'm not alone.

 

Are you sure your wife is the pessimist? Much discussion in your post of the problems, nary a thought towards any potential solutions.

 

Blaming her is the easy way out. I'm sure if given a forum she might list her own litany of issues. Neither is especially helpful unless you're willing to try to make things better.

 

Have you considered counseling? I'd guess communication is a big part of your issues given your description of her. A good therapist could allow both of you to feel your voice was heard, something that certainly seems missing now.

 

With so much at stake, isn't it worth a try?

 

Mr. Lucky

[PTEX404]

Are you sure your wife is the pessimist? Much discussion in your post of the problems, nary a thought towards any potential solutions.

 

Blaming her is the easy way out. I'm sure if given a forum she might list her own litany of issues. Neither is especially helpful unless you're willing to try to make things better.

 

Have you considered counseling? I'd guess communication is a big part of your issues given your description of her. A good therapist could allow both of you to feel your voice was heard, something that certainly seems missing now.

 

With so much at stake, isn't it worth a try?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm not blaming her at all. Only stating my viewpoint and how I feel from my standpoint. When we discuss our issues I hear her viewpoint. I think she would argue that life is complicated, raising kids and running a business is hard work and the downside to that is maybe a not so active sex life. She does work extraordinarily hard as a mother and as an equal contributor in our business. But so do I, I'm a great husband, father to our kids and contributor to our business. We have a great life. I kinda feel that if there is anything to blame it's that maybe we've just evolved into very different people. Maybe it's the 6 year age difference or maybe we don't like who we have become.

 

My mindset is toward enjoying life, our marriage and each other. She often gets derailed and stressed by life's daily challenges and as a result our marriage takes a back seat. Our kids are young, I'm a great father, she's a great mother but to me it doesn't mean our marriage should take a back seat. She is a pessimist and she won't deny it. She's often a glass half empty woman and I'm always a glass half full guy. I know she loves me and she knows I love her. But often, I don't like her and probably she doesn't like me. It's not her fault, I'm not blaming her, but I don't feel I should feel guilty for feeling as I do. When we do have intimacy/sex it's very good. The challenge is life gets in the way too often and her constant negativity makes me not like her as a person. I'm conflicted, scared but yes counseling might help. She offered it a while ago and then when I finally said yes she went silent on the topic. I plan to follow that up this week to see if we can commit to it.

[mikeylo]

Duh ! It seems like you are looking for a reason to leave. Marriage is hard and all days can't be fun. How much are you contributing towards her being down? Probably a lot. How much are you doing to help her be a great mother , wife , business woman? Probably less than she needs.

 

Or are you finding a reason to have an affair? Many begin like this. Easy justification in head.

[OatsAndHall]

I would strongly consider discussing marriage counseling with your wife. Her actions that are driving you away aren't insurmountable obstacles; they can be addressed and fixed.

 

I also suggest that you take a step back from the "feels" and take a look at the "reals" in this situation. You have stated that your wife is a great person, a great mother and a hard-working contributor to your family. Are you really ready to put that all on the line with a separation? Are you really ready to throw in the towel completely?

 

You're basing decisions on "feelings" which isn't necessarily a good thing because "feelings" aren't generally rational. I will guarantee you those feelings are going to change drastically if you ask for a separation or a divorce. The "reals" of this situation are the positive aspects that your wife brings to your life and those need to be the basis behind your decision.

 

The grass is always greener on the other side if you don't water the side you're on.

[Rouik]

Your not alone, marriage is very hard and it will have good times and bad. I am sure after 17 years you are completely aware of that. I would not throw the towel in so quickly, have you tried marriage counseling? A counselor maybe able to draw out some of the issues so that the two of you can tackle them together. I will be praying for you and your family while you make some tough choices. Don't give up on your marriage just yet, love is a choice not a feeling. sometimes it can be very hard to choose to love someone. When my wife and I were having problems she was challenged with waking up everyday for a month by saying to herself I will love my husband today no matter what. Looking back she says after the month she decided to keep doing it even though we weren't in a better spot and after a couple hard years were doing really well. Its very hard and will take a lot of strength from you, but you can do it. Good luck and best wishes.

[PTEX404]

Duh ! It seems like you are looking for a reason to leave. Marriage is hard and all days can't be fun. How much are you contributing towards her being down? Probably a lot. How much are you doing to help her be a great mother , wife , business woman? Probably less than she needs.

 

Or are you finding a reason to have an affair? Many begin like this. Easy justification in head.

 

No interest in pursuing affair. I contribute equally towards our business, raising children and being a supportive husband and she would not disagree. Not looking for reason to leave, just trying to reconcile my feelings.

[mikeylo]

No interest in pursuing affair. I contribute equally towards our business, raising children and being a supportive husband and she would not disagree. Not looking for reason to leave, just trying to reconcile my feelings.

 

Then just go home, hire a baby sitter and take a vacation , just the 2 of you. Period. No attending of phone calls, emails or whatever. Just you and her. Your feelings will resolve.

 

Separation mostly leads to divorce. Communication gap widens.

 

There are times in every marriage that everything seems broken and worth throwing away but that is the time to hold on tight. If she losing hope, you become the strength.

 

Grass isn't greener. It gets harder as you cross 50. Be wise !

[BluesPower]

So look at it this way...

 

You guys are in your 40's I am guessing. Kids are about 12 to 15?

 

Look, marriage is hard in the best of times. But I will say this, the sex going down and not working on the marriage is a huge problem and it has to be fixed.

 

You are not wrong to feel the way that you do in any way. So you need to understand that.

 

The thing that people (your age for sure) do not realize is that the marriage and your relationship comes first. Not the kids, not the business, the marriage comes first.

 

As for the sex thing... You guys should be banging each others brains out right now at your age. If you are not, there is a problems in the relationship, big time.

 

The kids are older, your wife should be in her sexual prime, because 35 to 40 is usually when a lot hit it. You are still young and have plenty of piss and vinegar left. Sex is a great stress release and you two should want to release stress as much a possible.

 

So, yes, you guys need to focus on your marriage and need to start marriage counseling ASAP.

 

But you need to be discerning about your marriage counselor. There are just so many out there that are completely full of crap. So if you are not feeling it with one just move on. You really have to watch out for this. A bad MC can do more damage than good so beware.

 

The issues that you are having can be over come if you BOTH put the time into the marriage. And it really has to be both of you.

 

Give it a shot, what do you have to lose....

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm conflicted, scared but yes counseling might help. She offered it a while ago and then when I finally said yes she went silent on the topic. I plan to follow that up this week to see if we can commit to it.

 

Why were you resistant to the idea of MC when she brought it up?

 

Mr. Lucky

[blenkins90]

Go see someone about this. Honestly, as someone who resisted seeing someone and let my marriage dissolve, just go do it.

 

Think about it like car maintenance...if you take care of the oil changes and recommended small maintenance, your car is going to last years longer than if you only fix stuff when it catastrophically fails.

 

Fix it before it breaks.

 

Also, keep in mind - a lack of sex drive is usually a result of other things in life/the relationship, and often has nothing to do with sex itself.

 

Surprise her with stuff, find ways to brighten her day for no reason, etc. Find ways to make her happy selflessly and trust me, she'll open up (it may take some time though).