False Reconciliation

[Mrs. John Adams]

He said he has been in false R..and it doesn't sound to me like he is interested in trying again. It sounds to me like he is finished and he just wants to talk about how awful she is.

 

Now having said that...I don't blame him. Get a divorce if thats what you want.

 

I will say this...I am not in the group that thinks the world needs to know about your infidelities....as a matter of fact...i beleive if you want to reconcile...the fewer people that know...the better it is to heal your relationship.

 

The more you expose...the harder it is for the relationship to heal without scrutiny from others.

 

My parents knew....and he told his boss because he felt like he was neglecting his job. He did not tell his family...and i appreciated that very much....becasue then i did not have to deal with their opinions or them trying to influence him in his thinking.

 

Infidelity is a very private matter...it is a contract broken between two people....and it is then up to those same two people as how they handle it.

[Whoknew30]

Another story here. About 2 weeks ago I found on her phone a message sent from a common friend of them just checking how they were doing (he didn't know about the affair apparently). So I called the guy, told him about the affair and politely asked him not being the middle bird between them two. Later that night I told my wife what I did. She got really upset, called me being crazy, cried that that guy was the only friend she got left at the company, blamed me for what I did as revenge and punishment just to satisfy myself. All that kind of stuffs. I told her I'll do whatever I need to do to protect myself and my family from further pain, and she should be glad that I was open to her. So you guys are all right, she's still very defensive.

 

Anyway, I'm just pouring out here so you can see the mess I was in when I fell too quickly on R. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess but again when I was there it's hard to get out.

 

This is really disturbing...I understand you being mad at her but one shouldn't suck innocent people into your martial issues, thats putting others in an extremely awkward position, that don't deserve it. In fact it can have the opposite effect & turn into "she cheated bc her husband isn't stable". Gossip is like a forest fire, can't control it once you start it.

 

Get into some IC to help clear your head. It's counter productive to go around making yourself look unstable & spite can very much make one look unstable, no matter the justification for it...good luck

[csad]

This is really disturbing...I understand you being mad at her but one shouldn't suck innocent people into your martial issues, thats putting others in an extremely awkward position, that don't deserve it. In fact it can have the opposite effect & turn into "she cheated bc her husband isn't stable". Gossip is like a forest fire, can't control it once you start it.

 

Get into some IC to help clear your head. It's counter productive to go around making yourself look unstable & spite can very much make one look unstable, no matter the justification for it...good luck

 

Sorry I don't get your point here? So you agree with her that I was crazy to expose to their common friend? I don't suck that friend to our issue but prevent him from involuntarily involved in the issue instead.

 

And what is the point of this forum anyway? You seem to post quite a lot on this.

[Southern Sun]

This is really disturbing...I understand you being mad at her but one shouldn't suck innocent people into your martial issues, thats putting others in an extremely awkward position, that don't deserve it. In fact it can have the opposite effect & turn into "she cheated bc her husband isn't stable". Gossip is like a forest fire, can't control it once you start it.

 

Get into some IC to help clear your head. It's counter productive to go around making yourself look unstable & spite can very much make one look unstable, no matter the justification for it...good luck

 

He doesn't need to worry about what he "looks" like to people who don't matter.

[aliveagain]

Friend, exposure is still one of the fastest ways to end an affair. Expose the affair to everyone that has influence over her.

[Whoknew30]

Sorry I don't get your point here? So you agree with her that I was crazy to expose to their common friend? I don't suck that friend to our issue but prevent him from involuntarily involved in the issue instead.

 

And what is the point of this forum anyway? You seem to post quite a lot on this.

 

 

 

You're hurting I get it & it's completely understandable but passing rumors around about your personal business, isn't just hurting her...there's other people involved & as much as I'm sure you can't stand your W or OM right now...do you or OM BW deserve to have people talking about & spreading rumors about you two or if kids are involved. It doesn't mean you're protecting your WW or OM, it's the innocent ones, you or anyone else personally involved don't need that extra grief.

[MickeyBill]

Another story here. About 2 weeks ago I found on her phone a message sent from a common friend of them just checking how they were doing (he didn't know about the affair apparently). So I called the guy, told him about the affair and politely asked him not being the middle bird between them two.

 

Was the third guy messaging your WW to find out how "they" were doing? "They" meaning OM/Boss and your Wife?

If so then I think that telling the 3rd guy about the affair is fine as he most likely knew, because OM or WW has told him or it's common knowledge at work where it's hard to keep secrets. And who knows maybe the OM/Boss had him check in with your WW, just to see if it's safe to start up again....after all, he's a common friend.

Edited May 4, 2017 by MickeyBill

[Nirbhao.Nirvair]

Although I would never recommend it, a ws can work with their former ow/om

 

But when a marriage counsellor says that what does it say about him/her?

[csad]

He said he has been in false R..and it doesn't sound to me like he is interested in trying again. It sounds to me like he is finished and he just wants to talk about how awful she is.

 

Now having said that...I don't blame him. Get a divorce if thats what you want.

Thank you. Yes I am finished and if you read my first post, I just come here to confide as I am exhausted after the false R. I don't intend to discuss how awful my wife was in this thread, but rather to show that I went for R when it's not ready. You all can blame me whatever you want, I know how hard it was when I was in there.

[harrybrown]

Exposure is one of the consequences of continuing the A.

 

Hope you do get a decent D if there is one.

 

Did you get a good attorney?

[wmacbride]

But when a marriage counsellor says that what does it say about him/her?

 

I think it would depend on the situation.

 

For example, if the person is the only spouse who is working and they are supporting the fmaily in an economically depressed area where finding a job is difficult, there may not be much choice.

 

If it's a situation where the temporary loss of that income wouldn't be too much of a burden, finding a new job is probably for the best.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you. Yes I am finished and if you read my first post, I just come here to confide as I am exhausted after the false R. I don't intend to discuss how awful my wife was in this thread, but rather to show that I went for R when it's not ready. You all can blame me whatever you want, I know how hard it was when I was in there.

 

You went for reconciliation and it failed. You keep saying it was not ready.

 

Sometimes my friend...Reconciliation is NOT the right answer. You cannot reconcile alone...it takes the both of you giving 100%.

 

No one here...that I am aware of...is blaming you. You did not cheat...your wife did.

 

But I will say...I am not sure what it is you are looking for here at this point.

 

You have made your decision to divorce....so the advice you receive from here about your relationship and the way it has been handled is really kindof futile.

 

I am truly sorry you are going through this....and I am glad you have made a decision that is best for you.

[Southern Sun]

I am sorry about the outcome so far.

 

I'm sure this advice has already been given, and this is probably redundant considering what you've said, but I can't tell what your actions are going to be so I'll say it anyway:

 

Go ahead and get a lawyer and file for divorce. If she is truly checked out, it will be the right decision anyway. If she has one foot in, it may shock her into turning herself around. At that point, you can decide what, if anything, you want to do about it.

 

Best of luck to you.

[aliveagain]

Friend, every decision your wife has made was a decision, choice made freely and of her own accord, marrying you, having children, getting a job to help her family have a better life, having an affair, reconciliation. The key point to my post is that when she chose a behaviour she also chose the consequence that goes with that behaviour. None of her actions just happened, they were all well thought out. File, she has until the final decree is issued to prove to you she is worth staying married to. It is not your job to police her or make sure she chooses fidelity. She knows what she has to do if she wants her marriage, call your lawyer.

[BetrayedH]

I believe there are some consequences to an affair that are natural consequences. One of those is that the BS will seek solace and advice from people. That is not you punishing her. That is simply a natural consequence of her actions. You have every right to seek counsel and friendship from others when she deliberately discarded that role and betrayed you.

 

Other consequences can be more imposed than natural. I don't necessarily put much stock in exposing to "everyone." Even if it has the effect of killing the affair, who wants a wayward back just because she was shamed into reconciling?

 

Doesn't sound like that's what you're doing. If you just exposed for the sake of support, that's a natural consequence of her own actions that she could have avoided had she not engaged in an affair. She took risks and she lost that gamble. Don't buy any of her punishment bullcrap.

[wmacbride]

You went for reconciliation and it failed. You keep saying it was not ready.

 

Sometimes my friend...Reconciliation is NOT the right answer. You cannot reconcile alone...it takes the both of you giving 100%.

 

No one here...that I am aware of...is blaming you. You did not cheat...your wife did.

 

But I will say...I am not sure what it is you are looking for here at this point.

 

You have made your decision to divorce....so the advice you receive from here about your relationship and the way it has been handled is really kindof futile.

 

I am truly sorry you are going through this....and I am glad you have made a decision that is best for you.

 

Sometimes the best decisions can feel really painful at the time.

[csad]

I think the instinct of people when they come to this kind of forums is to give advice. We just do it, I would do the same. However, I don't set any goal when opening this thread. Maybe as an open journal, for solace probably but not advice. Don't get me wrong I read all your posts. The advice people gave me on the D-Day was extremely helpful as I initially did not know what to do and was leaning toward the "pick me" play. The one here, I don't take much. I might pay a little more attention to posts from the "wayward" I guess.

[deadsoul]

I think the instinct of people when they come to this kind of forums is to give advice. We just do it, I would do the same. However, I don't set any goal when opening this thread. Maybe as an open journal, for solace probably but not advice. Don't get me wrong I read all your posts. The advice people gave me on the D-Day was extremely helpful as I initially did not know what to do and was leaning toward the "pick me" play. The one here, I don't take much. I might pay a little more attention to posts from the "wayward" I guess.

 

For me, this forum has been helpful. Some advice has been spot on, some not so much. I guess the thing to take into consideration is most posters here (me included) project their personal experiences when giving advice and some of us might have stronger opinions or emotions about certain things.

 

From what you've posted, your wife doesn't sound very remorseful. I can tell you this, as a wayward, I'm also 3 months out since I confessed and things are still really rocky right now. I don't know if I'm "different" than your wife, but I am taking responsibility for what I've done and dealing with the consequences. I know I'm not allowed to say "I'm hurting too" because I caused it all. I still don't think I've hit true remorse yet... but I'm working on it. It's my understanding it doesn't come right away. I have a lot of bad behaviors to fix.

 

Therapy has helped me a lot. I'm in IC and MC and it's tough, but it's part of the process to get myself back on track, so to speak. I'm doing a lot of work on me and why I did what I did and how I feel about myself.

 

As a wayward, I just take a day at a time. It's all I can do.

[csad]

For me, this forum has been helpful. Some advice has been spot on, some not so much. I guess the thing to take into consideration is most posters here (me included) project their personal experiences when giving advice and some of us might have stronger opinions or emotions about certain things.

 

From what you've posted, your wife doesn't sound very remorseful. I can tell you this, as a wayward, I'm also 3 months out since I confessed and things are still really rocky right now. I don't know if I'm "different" than your wife, but I am taking responsibility for what I've done and dealing with the consequences. I know I'm not allowed to say "I'm hurting too" because I caused it all. I still don't think I've hit true remorse yet... but I'm working on it. It's my understanding it doesn't come right away. I have a lot of bad behaviors to fix.

 

Therapy has helped me a lot. I'm in IC and MC and it's tough, but it's part of the process to get myself back on track, so to speak. I'm doing a lot of work on me and why I did what I did and how I feel about myself.

 

As a wayward, I just take a day at a time. It's all I can do.

 

DS, I remember, of course, you and I posted in this forum the same day! I read through your whole thread and I had always wished my wife would come to read your thread too. I also wonder what if she posts her side of feeling. She doesn't do that, unfortunately. Anyway, I do wish you the best whatever direction you (or your husband) take. If your BH joins you in MC, I guess there's chance.

 

I have just setup an appointment with another therapist. Not sure about other areas, here they are extremely busy. The counselor I used before were, on the other hand, quite available. Maybe that is correlated to how bad she is.

Edited May 4, 2017 by csad

[Nirbhao.Nirvair]

I have just setup an appointment with another therapist. Not sure about other areas, here they are extremely busy. The counselor I used before were, on the other hand, quite available. Maybe that is correlated to how bad she is.

 

For IC or MC? Anyway, as much as I'd agree that your previous counsellor was horse manure, not even the best counsellor could have done anything when your WS wasn't ready for reconciliation. Your words said that she was remorseful, but what you described as her actions showed she is the exact opposite of remorseful. What has happened so far is that the affair has stopped because of the exposure and she wants to save her current lifestyle, but not necessarily reconcile.

 

If you want to try reconciliation again, even to attempt one without asking your wife her reasons for wanting a reconciliation, is a recipe for disaster.

 

I am sorry I am making a judgement here, but As much as you want to conceal it, the truth is you are the one who was desperate for reconciliation. It seemed more like you were projecting your feelings of wanting to reconcile on to your wife.

[Friskyone4u]

CSAD,

 

Is this therapist for YOU , or some attempt to continue to let her have her way.

She has now manipulated herself into still working for and with her OM, now until at least August, and maybe longer since you really do not know if what she is telling you is the truth.

 

You have asked her for what is reasonable. She has lied to you about NC, and I know you do not believe this job reference thing is the only contact they are having. And her being around him all day long has got to be eating at you.

 

You started this thread saying "false R". So what is the plan how's. because at first you thought one of them was leaving workplace??. You know the chances of this starting again, if it has really stopped, is much greater in the situation you are in, and you still are hesitant to confront her with a polygraph which is the only way you are going to verify anything with them having work e mail and phones that you have no access to.

 

The words of sorrow for your situation are only going to do so much. You have to want to fix it one way or the other. She has now failed twice. Looks like you are waiting for strike three.

[csad]

Guys I know you all want to help but please don't judge too early. This is IC, got some free sessions from my new employer. I also talked to a lawyer yesterday.

[NTV]

So just to kinda prepare you for a potential shock csad... When I spoke to my first few lawyers following finding out my wife had cheated they all warned me that, as the breadwinner, I might have to pay alimony. .. which really felt like a kick in the nuts. I was mad about it for like a month. .. and still kinda am. I might have to pay her for the pleasure of getting cheated on. That's how it felt.

 

But, to be fair, in the first six months and even a year it can be super easy for small setbacks to feel huge. And I felt like the world was set against me every time I came across another injustice... like the injustice of my wife's affairs made me much more sensitive to other injustices that I had to or might have to suffer through.

 

So... not really answering a question or anything just giving you a heads up.

[jenkins95]

Guys I know you all want to help but please don't judge too early. This is IC, got some free sessions from my new employer. I also talked to a lawyer yesterday.

 

Absolutely csad. You have to do this your way. You appear to be doing the right things - going to IC, reading and considering all advice on here, keeping an open mind, and taking each day as it comes.

 

Great credit to you for that and please keep us informed!

[BluesPower]

So just to kinda prepare you for a potential shock csad... When I spoke to my first few lawyers following finding out my wife had cheated they all warned me that, as the breadwinner, I might have to pay alimony. .. which really felt like a kick in the nuts. I was mad about it for like a month. .. and still kinda am. I might have to pay her for the pleasure of getting cheated on. That's how it felt.

 

But, to be fair, in the first six months and even a year it can be super easy for small setbacks to feel huge. And I felt like the world was set against me every time I came across another injustice... like the injustice of my wife's affairs made me much more sensitive to other injustices that I had to or might have to suffer through.

 

So... not really answering a question or anything just giving you a heads up.

 

Yes, no matter what we get screwed... But it is worth every penny.

 

I am paying Temp Spousal Support of 2500.00 a month. She never had to work a day in her life when she was married to me. 26 years.

 

Now she is actually working full time and I am still paying that amount for the next few months.