Giving myself permisison

[Midwestmissy]

I don't hate her anymore. When she reached out to him again, after 3 years, I realized how pathetic she is. I also know that I didn't register in her pea brain at all. She wants something, she tries to have it. Some guys say yes, some say no. She's married with 4 kids. It's hard to hate someone who is 50 and ties her importance and desirability to sleeping with married men, offering oral treats at work, etc. It's not sexy or attractive.

 

My wh is just a giant tool for not shutting her down the first day the conversation turned inappropriate, so there's a lot more anger for him. But we get the opportunity to hash things out with the ws, and never with the op. I'm not interested in her side of the story, she told me everything I need to know by meeting me and the kids, looking me in the eye and sleeping with him. Texting non stop. Calling non stop. Attending family functions with us there. Funerals, birthday parties. She thinks she belongs wherever she wants and has no sense of class or self awareness. No one is that irresistible, aNd she looks like a dirty napkin. at 50 she's not going to ever see my perspective, nor will she change. I feel for her kids, they don't deserve the treatment. Since her bh was the om in her first marriage - to his own brother - I don't feel sorry for him. Classy bunch.

[mercy]

If you are a bs, how do you feel about the ow/om in your situation?

 

 

 

 

Well, she slept with my h so there's that.....but honestly with h's frame of mind it could have been anyone. She told me about the affair and did it in the most cruel way. I never understood her hatred of me. h said he'd complain about his 'mean' wife. I was mean, sad really but it manifested into anger.

 

When it got out of control with her I called our lawyers and from there it was a lifetime protection order granted to me and my family. It became frightening.

 

With her continuing to call you, it's a feeling of it never ending and that's an awful feeling to have to live with, just know your feelings concerning her are warranted.

 

Don't let her steal your joy! Life is beautiful in all its messiness!

[Love me do]

So here's what the OW (my sister-in-law) wrote me about a month after Dday:

"First of all I want you to know that you are very, very dear to me. I will always remember that [my brother] introduced me to you first. I will never forget the tender way you greeted one another that evening. It was obvious that there was (and still is) a deep affection between you.

 

Please pardon my silence. Right now I need some time to myself. I know there will be a time we can sit down, talk, cry and laugh again. That time just isn't right now for me. It is not because I do not love you or care for you, I just ask that you honor my space."

 

So you see there are other crazy OWs out there. It's bizarre that she would think (I'm belly laughing as I say this) that I wanted or shared her affection (which I didn't believe was genuine) or that I would voluntarily see her, much less "sit down, talk, cry and laugh again." It was obvious then and with every contact I had with her (unfortunately there were many because of my brother's deteriorating health) that she had absolutely no clue that I was suffering or that I hated her guts. The purpose of this email was to hint that she was suffering and needed to be alone. Pretty incredible.

 

So if you're so OW is anything like this, then I think the problem is a lack of empathy along with an inability to keep a hold on reality. In other words, abnormal.

[wmacbride]

Before becoming an OW myself, I have never understood the "i hate the OW/OM for what they did but yeah, I still love and am married to my spouse who is the actual person who owes me anything". Now that I have been/am an OW, my perspective has changed just a little. I still don't agree with the OW/OM getting ALL the hate but they are definitely to blame!

 

Your situation is mind-boggling. I never spoke with, met or had any interaction at all with the wife other than when I told her what had happened and apologized. Her husband continues to reach out to me, claims to be faking a reconciliation with her and we still speak (although there is no sexual component to our relationship. we really just meet for lunch). I have no intention of ever speaking with his W again. As a matter of fact, I am working on myself right now to completely get out of this situation. and it's only been about 3 weeks since Dday. But TEN YEARS?! For a short "affair"? She is clearly mentally unstable and unfortunately, you can't compete with crazy.

 

I wouldn't worry about any negative feelings towards this particular woman. She should have been out of yall's lives years ago. Actually she should have never been in your life in the first place. You are the wife. You are the victim. You have been more than gracious. I would NEVER expect any consideration of my feelings from the wife. And I certainly wouldn't blame her for my hurt feelings since I was the one who got involved in HER marriage. Again, feel free to hate her. Feel free to have whatever negative feelings. But for your sake, don't let it eat at you. Don't allow it to consume you.

 

I am very sorry that you continue to have this crazy woman in your life. And I am sorry you had to deal with this situation at all!

 

I feel bad for you as well.

 

This is what bugs me when I read about a situation like yours.

You would think that a man ( or woman) who claims to have feeling for their om/ow won't respect that person enough to listen to them when they say it's over. I've seen it a lot on the ow/om boards where the married person keeps attempting contact, even when it's been clearly stated that it's unwanted. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to feel like you have made a difficult decision, had the strength to stick to it, to begin the process of healing and wham, the married person attempts contact again. I can see how that could make the hurt fresh all over again.

 

I hope you're able to find your way out.

 

A toast for all of us no mater why we are on here...here's to new and better days ahead

[aileD]

This is the email that OW sent me after d-day:

 

Dear aileD,

Watch over him he will need it. Love him enough for both of us. He is there even if it is out of guilt. Be patient with him he will need time. Don't be on top of him all the time. If he can never love you then just accept it. He has a right to live his life happy as well every human has that right. He will need you to watch over him the next couple of days month years who knows. Please encourage him to go after anything he wants too. He is so smart and has so much potential. You have a really amazing man there just support him. Don't let him kill himself! He will try, just seek help for him. He will feel guilty and believe this is his fault. Remind him it's not and remind him to love himself. Remind him that I love him. Remind him that life is full of color not just black and white. Remind him he can find happiness. Remind him to remember all the good and to always look for the good because it's there maybe hard to see but is always there. Please don't let him do anything stupid and crazy make sure he is safe and cared for. He needs to be reminded of things. Over all just love him.. He is not a love addict just needs love and if he's given love he will be perfectly fine. Everyone wants to be loved. Tell him I love him.

 

-mistress

 

Omg the arrogance. I didn't even realize at the time because this was just part of her "I'm committing suicide" email....so she's just letting me know since she is going to commit suicide thet he will try too! And here's a list of ways I should love my husband. And don't forget to tell him his mistress loves him.

 

im glad I can laugh at this now .

[wmacbride]

This is the email that OW sent me after d-day:

 

Dear aileD,

Watch over him he will need it. Love him enough for both of us. He is there even if it is out of guilt. Be patient with him he will need time. Don't be on top of him all the time. If he can never love you then just accept it. He has a right to live his life happy as well every human has that right. He will need you to watch over him the next couple of days month years who knows. Please encourage him to go after anything he wants too. He is so smart and has so much potential. You have a really amazing man there just support him. Don't let him kill himself! He will try, just seek help for him. He will feel guilty and believe this is his fault. Remind him it's not and remind him to love himself. Remind him that I love him. Remind him that life is full of color not just black and white. Remind him he can find happiness. Remind him to remember all the good and to always look for the good because it's there maybe hard to see but is always there. Please don't let him do anything stupid and crazy make sure he is safe and cared for. He needs to be reminded of things. Over all just love him.. He is not a love addict just needs love and if he's given love he will be perfectly fine. Everyone wants to be loved. Tell him I love him.

 

-mistress

 

Omg the arrogance. I didn't even realize at the time because this was just part of her "I'm committing suicide" email....so she's just letting me know since she is going to commit suicide thet he will try too! And here's a list of ways I should love my husband. And don't forget to tell him his mistress loves him.

 

im glad I can laugh at this now .

 

It actually shows an incredible selfishness, sense of entitlement and lack of empathy.

 

I got something similar, with he added bonus of " if you are ever looking for marriage advice, or just want to talk, you can call or message me and we can be friends."

 

I'd rather hug some weird hybrid of a jellyfish, porcupine and saguaro cactus that do that. Seriously, how far out of touch does a person have to be to think that a betrayed spouse, who just found out her husband has been cheating would be going to his never married, ex-ow for marriage advice?

 

I mean really, who the frig does that? At the time, it made me really confused ( and angry), but now, it it wasn't so odd it would be funny.

[aileD]

It actually shows an incredible selfishness, sense of entitlement and lack of empathy.

 

I got something similar, with he added bonus of " if you are ever looking for marriage advice, or just want to talk, you can call or message me and we can be friends."

 

I'd rather hug some weird hybrid of a jellyfish, porcupine and saguaro cactus that do that. Seriously, how far out of touch does a person have to be to think that a betrayed spouse, who just found out her husband has been cheating would be going to his never married, ex-ow for marriage advice?

 

I mean really, who the frig does that? At the time, it made me really confused ( and angry), but now, it it wasn't so odd it would be funny.

 

Right.

 

Not once was there any sort of apology for her part in the affair. Like I didn't exist as his wife, and she was the love of his life just sending him off to some barren wasteland where love isn't capable of existing and I needed instruction so he didn't shrivel up and die without her

 

High school much? Oh wait, she was just a few years out of HS so.,.,,.....lol

[Southern Sun]

This is the email that OW sent me after d-day:

 

Dear aileD,

Watch over him he will need it. Love him enough for both of us. He is there even if it is out of guilt. Be patient with him he will need time. Don't be on top of him all the time. If he can never love you then just accept it. He has a right to live his life happy as well every human has that right. He will need you to watch over him the next couple of days month years who knows. Please encourage him to go after anything he wants too. He is so smart and has so much potential. You have a really amazing man there just support him. Don't let him kill himself! He will try, just seek help for him. He will feel guilty and believe this is his fault. Remind him it's not and remind him to love himself. Remind him that I love him. Remind him that life is full of color not just black and white. Remind him he can find happiness. Remind him to remember all the good and to always look for the good because it's there maybe hard to see but is always there. Please don't let him do anything stupid and crazy make sure he is safe and cared for. He needs to be reminded of things. Over all just love him.. He is not a love addict just needs love and if he's given love he will be perfectly fine. Everyone wants to be loved. Tell him I love him.

 

-mistress

 

Omg the arrogance. I didn't even realize at the time because this was just part of her "I'm committing suicide" email....so she's just letting me know since she is going to commit suicide thet he will try too! And here's a list of ways I should love my husband. And don't forget to tell him his mistress loves him.

 

im glad I can laugh at this now .

 

I think I am in shock.

[aileD]

I think I am in shock.

 

Ridiculous right? I cut and pasted that word for word (minus our real names).

[Mrs. John Adams]

This is the email that OW sent me after d-day:

 

Dear aileD,

Watch over him he will need it. Love him enough for both of us. He is there even if it is out of guilt. Be patient with him he will need time. Don't be on top of him all the time. If he can never love you then just accept it. He has a right to live his life happy as well every human has that right. He will need you to watch over him the next couple of days month years who knows. Please encourage him to go after anything he wants too. He is so smart and has so much potential. You have a really amazing man there just support him. Don't let him kill himself! He will try, just seek help for him. He will feel guilty and believe this is his fault. Remind him it's not and remind him to love himself. Remind him that I love him. Remind him that life is full of color not just black and white. Remind him he can find happiness. Remind him to remember all the good and to always look for the good because it's there maybe hard to see but is always there. Please don't let him do anything stupid and crazy make sure he is safe and cared for. He needs to be reminded of things. Over all just love him.. He is not a love addict just needs love and if he's given love he will be perfectly fine. Everyone wants to be loved. Tell him I love him.

 

-mistress

 

Omg the arrogance. I didn't even realize at the time because this was just part of her "I'm committing suicide" email....so she's just letting me know since she is going to commit suicide thet he will try too! And here's a list of ways I should love my husband. And don't forget to tell him his mistress loves him.

 

im glad I can laugh at this now .

 

WOW...and this woman is still alive? You are a better woman than me....

[wmacbride]

Ridiculous right? I cut and pasted that word for word (minus our real names).

 

This could be an idea for a new thread...ridiculous things said during and after affairs by the people in them...

[aileD]

WOW...and this woman is still alive? You are a better woman than me....

 

Because there was the threat of suicide involved, I ignored this and wrote her back something about life being precious and how she was young and think about her parents etc. her response was "eff you, don't pretend to care, just take care of him when I'm gone he will need it"

 

So I forwarded everything to her mother and sister. And called them and told them she was threatening her life and they needed to get involved. she stopped then. For awhile. This whole incident was just one d-day. Not the final one.

[mercy]

This could be an idea for a new thread...ridiculous things said during and after affairs by the people in them...

 

 

I almost peed myself reading 'tell him I love him'

 

As my daughter would say - I.Just.Cant.Even

[wmacbride]

I almost peed myself reading 'tell him I love him'

 

As my daughter would say - I.Just.Cant.Even

 

AlleD...you should have warned us so we could have been well prepared for the pants wetting that your post may have led to:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

I did start the thread.I wonder what sorts of stories might come out.

[mercy]

Oh hers will put ours to shame!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Because there was the threat of suicide involved, I ignored this and wrote her back something about life being precious and how she was young and think about her parents etc. her response was "eff you, don't pretend to care, just take care of him when I'm gone he will need it"

 

So I forwarded everything to her mother and sister. And called them and told them she was threatening her life and they needed to get involved. she stopped then. For awhile. This whole incident was just one d-day. Not the final one.

 

Yeah? Well I would have written her back and asked her if i could help...pills? rope? razor blade? gun?

 

She is a drama queen...she did not mean a word of it...she wanted to get under your skin.

 

I know i know...i am being ugly....I am allowed to have moments too.

[Starswillshine]

Yeah? Well I would have written her back and asked her if i could help...pills? rope? razor blade? gun?

 

She is a drama queen...she did not mean a word of it...she wanted to get under your skin.

 

I know i know...i am being ugly....I am allowed to have moments too.

 

I would have, too. I would have offered to bring her whatever was needed to assist.

[aileD]

Yeah? Well I would have written her back and asked her if i could help...pills? rope? razor blade? gun?

 

She is a drama queen...she did not mean a word of it...she wanted to get under your skin.

 

I know i know...i am being ugly....I am allowed to have moments too.

 

That's why I immediately involved her parents. Nothing takes the wind out of a fake suicide threat like your mom taking you to the mental hospital.

[Mrs. John Adams]

That's why I immediately involved her parents. Nothing takes the wind out of a fake suicide threat like your mom taking you to the mental hospital.

 

oh i think you handled it correctly hon....it was not a criticism toward you in any way.

 

I just would not have been as "Christian minded" as you were. I am a Christian woman...but i do have a little devil inside....

[waterwoman]

This is the email that OW sent me after d-day:

Dear aileD,

Watch over him he will need it. Love him enough for both of us. He is there even if it is out of guilt. Be patient with him he will need time. Don't be on top of him all the time. <snip>

 

WTF??? Who does she think she is ??? Unbeleivable......

Edited May 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clean up quote

[Love me do]

Oh hers will put ours to shame!

well, I at least want honorable mention although I agree aileD's takes first place. It's helpful to see the pattern from everybody's input – the intractable worldview they think everyone shares with them; their distorted 'truth' that smacks of a BH paint job, coloring the BW as a complaining, negative shrew, incapable of friendship, enjoyment, yada yada. The worst part is the patronizing.

[Love me do]

Ummm, mostly that was a joke. It's not a competition anyone wants to participate in, much less win. But the absurdities are so great, some of it is pretty funny.

[aileD]

It's good to have a sense of humor about things and you're right.....totally absurd.

 

But being here and interacting with OWs I get to see the other side too....i can now see how this girl had the audacity to talk to me like I was some sad second rate has been. The fantasy that her and my H had built up was completely real to her. Especially since she was a single OW I think.....the fantasy he created was like reality to her because she didn't have another life.

 

So yeah, it's completely absurd and hilarious to get that email from her, but now I can understand it a little better.

[mercy]

Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing. Allen Klein

[mercy]

......their distorted 'truth' that smacks of a BH paint job, coloring the BW as a complaining, negative shrew, incapable of friendship, enjoyment, yada yada. The worst part is the patronizing.

 

No the worst part was that was me to a T! Well, except for the shrew, I'll have NO part in owning that!

 

Without thinking one day I told h, I wish I could have picked your OW. Oh the irony!