Struggling with wanting to be engaged?

[tutugirl]

Hi everyone,

 

I just started reading these forums and have been particularly drawn in by the ones from women who would like to be engaged to their long-term (sometimes short-term) partners.

 

I am currently in a long-term relationship that I hope turns into a marriage. We are young-ish (I'm 27 and he is 31), have been together 5.5 years (6 in August) and started dating when I was in college (we were long distance, and even though those years "count" our adult relationship really started when I graduated 4 years ago).

 

Lately, I've been thinking about marriage a lot more. We live together and have for about 1.5 years. We recently made a cross country move together and bought an adorable Frenchie puppy. I think I always knew from the start that he was someone I could see myself marrying, but of late, I'm thinking about it SO OFTEN. Its slightly disconcerting! I always thought of myself as a pretty independent woman, knew I would never marry someone just to be MARRIED, and for a while, I didn't think I wanted kids. But in the past few months, its literally ALL I can think about! Marriage, kids (or maybe just one, still up in the air!) and a house, a life with this guy. I love him to death, but we have had our rough patches (cough, college, cough). I know that right now, we still have a lot of growing to do before we can have a successful and healthy marriage, but I'm starting to want to see that commitment from him, more so than I ever have before. And honestly, it's scaring me.

 

I always wanted to feel like I was different from other women my age (right now, all my friends are getting engaged or married and some are already having kids, also scary!) but I'm starting to feel the pull. It makes me nervous because my parents have had a horrible relationship (cheating, emotional abuse) and I really don't want that for myself.

 

We have talked about it briefly: we both are on the same page that someday we'd like to get married to each other, but I'm starting to want it sooner than I had thought (i.e. within the next two years). I don't want to pressure him, I know that many men feel this pull towards commitment later than women, because marriage is a partnership, and therefore should be a mutual decision. I would never want to be completely surprised by a proposal either, I'd hope we would have talked about it before (I also have a family diamond that he would need to arrange to get from my grandma, and I'd like to be involved in the design of the ring).

 

I guess what I'm asking is - I'm starting to get that itch and I wonder how other couples on this forum have gone from long-term loving relationships to healthy marriages in a mutual way? I think I would be okay if we were in a committed relationship without a marriage because I love him and cannot imagine my life without him, but I know that a marriage would solidify my desire to have kids (I wouldn't want them if we were not married, too messy).

 

I guess, help me? I have so many feelings and desires right now and I'm just having trouble expressing them in a constructive and non threatening way to my boyfriend.

[NTV]

What do you think marriage and kids will be like?

[tutugirl]

Well - we live together, that part won't be much different. I think the only difference in that regard is that we would start looking to buy a place together instead of renting. We already have the chores, the utilities and we know what each other grocery list looks like!

 

I think kids will be WAY different (having a dog is one thing, but despite what everyone says, it is NOT the same as having kids lol). We haven't talked much about parenting styles but we both grew up with moms who stayed home. He has mentioned that he knows I'm really happy in my career and he is less so (he is successful but doesn't love his job the way I do) and would be willing to stay home if that is what I wanted.

 

Our finances are currently separate, so I would assume we make a decision about joining our finances. But mostly, being married to him makes me excited. I want to celebrate our love with all our friends and family. I get really excited thinking about saying our vows, and having him be officially part of my family and I part of his (his parents already treat me like a daughter and his nana sends me Christmas cards). For example, his brother (who is younger) got married last summer. His then fiancee (now wife) asked me to be in the wedding as a bridesmaid. While I was flattered, I felt that because we were not married or even engaged, it wasn't my place. We are not that close, only really because we are in relationships with brothers. I think if we had been engaged or married, I would have accepted enthusiastically. I felt like well, if I were her, I wouldn't want someone in my wedding that could leave, ruining my pictures and hurting my brother-in-law every time he saw them. I mean I hope that wouldn't happen but because we aren't married, I don't feel that I have the right to participate in those kinds of things.

 

Right now, I hope that marriage will be an extension of where we already are: it won't fix problems we have, it won't make us love each other more, it would just be another way for us to show and share our love and commitment to each other. Does that make sense?

[NTV]

So you don't think there will be more problems when you combine finances and have kids?

[NTV]

Not trying to dissuade you, just pointing out that it isn't some fantasy peaches and ice cream thing that they make it out to be on tv.

[tutugirl]

No I totally understand that. If we had major issues, it wouldn't be a fix the way some people think it would be. It's not easy for sure. Its work. We have already put effort and work into our relationship. College and long distance was hard enough! My parents had a lot of issues and are still not completely divorced because it was just too expensive and exhausting. And I obviously don't want for myself which is one reason why I am struggling with this desire. I don't want to feel like I have to spend thousands of dollars and put kids through hell if it doesn't work out. But why do people get married in the first place you know? Some people its convenient, others its because they love each other. I think I'm one of the people who would want to get married because I really love someone enough to make that commitment, regardless of what happens in the future. But seeing my parents fail makes me nervous.

 

We are really compatible and are on the same page about financial things (wanting a house/condo, we aren't impulsive when it comes to larger purchases, we are very good at communication, financially speaking). Kids wise - kids are hard. I don't have any, so I can't say for sure. But I will say being pregnant scares the **** out of me. But I know he'd be a really good person to go through that with. I see him with younger cousins and he just really gets how to be encouraging and nurturing. Maybe its my biological clock screaming GRAB HIM LETS GO!

[GunslingerRoland]

So you guys have been together that long, made cross country moves together and yet you can't have a conversation with him about the fact that you want to make it official?

 

Also, you mentioned your desire to have kids, but didn't mention a single thing about whether he wants kids or not. Have you guys talked about kids?

 

Bottom line is, it doesn't take much to get engaged, married and have kids if that is what you both want to do, but if you aren't talking about it, maybe you shouldn't assume that this is how he sees his future?

[tutugirl]

I think the reason I posted this is because I'm confused by my feelings. I know marriages are on the decline and divorce is happening all over the place. People are waiting longer to have kids and get married, if they do at all. Millennials can't afford to buy homes. We have a less than 50% chance of out earning our parents.

 

But why should I want this? Is love really enough?

[tutugirl]

We have talked about it in a theoretical manner: marriage, kids, house, the whole thing. We are both on the same page that we WANT those things, and want them with each other. We have never put a timeline on anything - we got together when I was so young, it just never seemed pressing.

 

What I'm asking is: why do I want this now and so suddenly? When before I was happy with the way things were?

[Ronni_W]

, it would just be another way for us to show and share our love and commitment to each other.

Is it a need or feeling-desire to show the outer world your love and commitment, or to show your partner yours, or to get a sense of it from your partner?

 

In my own case, we bought a house together first...and that sort of kick-started the idea of marriage. (Like you, I'm not particularly entrenched in how 'society' says we should order our lives.)

[GunslingerRoland]

I think the reason I posted this is because I'm confused by my feelings. I know marriages are on the decline and divorce is happening all over the place. People are waiting longer to have kids and get married, if they do at all. Millennials can't afford to buy homes. We have a less than 50% chance of out earning our parents.

 

But why should I want this? Is love really enough?

 

Sure marriage is on the decline, but it's still very high. Especially depending on your demographic. Like you said, most of your peers are getting married. Divorce still happens, but it's also on the decline too, for a few decades now. Again demographics play a huge part in divorce rates.

 

As for buying a house it really depends on where in North America you are. Some cities are completely unaffordable to buy, some are still fairly reasonable. A rental can be a home though. Buying isn't the magic thing some people act like it is.

[tutugirl]

Thanks for the good question!

 

I think for me, it would be the desire to show him my commitment. He makes me so happy that I just want that forever? (I hate myself for saying that, lol). When I was in college, we were long-distance. He struggled with the fact that I had other guys pursuing me (even though I was completely faithful and was very firm with these guys that I was not interested). I was younger, in school and a lot more carefree at that time. I was surprised he even wanted to date me at all! He'd drive up to my college from the city every other weekend just to spend time with me. Literally made my heart melt. I guess I want to show him that I choose him, officially. Maybe that is where these feelings are coming from. That after all this time together, after all we have accomplished together, I just want to show him (and in turn have him show me) that we are in this together, for better or for worse, in an official way.

[tutugirl]

We're in the midwest currently, but are both from the northeast, where buying anything beyond a tiny studio apartment is out of the question and our budget.

 

We are both really adamant that if we did have kids together, we'd want to be near our families, which makes the buying thing a challenge. I love our apartment currently, we have made it a home, our home. But I know for him and for me, having an asset, owning something is very important to us. We both know that financially speaking, the age at which you buy you first home increases your overall wealth in comparison to those who don't own a home or who wait til they are older.

 

But what you mentioned about demographics is why I am struggling. So many friends are getting married, and yet my parents are telling me no! don't get married too young, make sure its the right choice, don't make our mistakes. To me, this wouldn't be a mistake. Of course, hindsight is 20/20....

[somanymistakes]

27/31 doesn't sound young for marriage at all, to me. Not old either. Perfectly reasonable time to talk about it if it's what you both want.

 

If you were getting married at 22/23 you'd be slightly young but fine if you know what you want. Anything earlier than that is when I'm going to start going "WHY are you getting married???"

 

As for why you suddenly want it now, well, like you said, you're seeing a lot of people around you getting engaged so it's natural for that to keep the thought in your mind and make you question what you want and why.

 

You guys have known each other for a good while. That doesn't mean your marriage will be perfect, plenty of people have good marriages for ten or more years and THEN suddenly something goes wrong. But it doesn't seem likely that you will immediately fall apart after getting married. You have done good groundwork for a relationship. It's perfectly fine to take more steps if that's what you want.

[GunslingerRoland]

We're in the midwest currently, but are both from the northeast, where buying anything beyond a tiny studio apartment is out of the question and our budget.

 

We are both really adamant that if we did have kids together, we'd want to be near our families, which makes the buying thing a challenge. I love our apartment currently, we have made it a home, our home. But I know for him and for me, having an asset, owning something is very important to us. We both know that financially speaking, the age at which you buy you first home increases your overall wealth in comparison to those who don't own a home or who wait til they are older.

 

But what you mentioned about demographics is why I am struggling. So many friends are getting married, and yet my parents are telling me no! don't get married too young, make sure its the right choice, don't make our mistakes. To me, this wouldn't be a mistake. Of course, hindsight is 20/20....

 

There are a lot of ways to gain wealth without owning a house. Actually it's a relatively bad way to gain wealth, because you can't use that wealth for anything. All you can do is borrow against it. Rent and invest the difference is a very valid strategy, especially in overpriced markets. I'm not saying I don't understand the appeal of owning a house, I am a homeowner, but like you said, it just isn't possible in some places anymore. Life still goes on.

 

Your parents opinion is curious in this case, considering how long you've been with him. What age do they think is ideal for getting married and having kids?

[mikeylo]

Go ahead. What you desire is completely normal and justified. There is a reason that marriage exists.

 

The important thing that I notice is that you guys have had rough patches and worked through them or still working through them. So you know each other's personalities, what ticks them etc. and how to resolve it. Many people marry in the honeymoon phase, that's when they fail early in marriages.

 

If you feel it in your heart, go for it. There will still be issues but once you have a higher commitment, you choose to make an extra effort to resolve and make it right because you know , how good it is when it's right

[knitwit]

OP, you're continuing to grow and you're ready to move onto the next step. You've been with your guy for several years now. Many people feel the drive to get married and have kids; it's still the norm.

 

I also did not have getting married on my main plan when I was younger. I figured I would get married if I wanted kids, and even then, it would be in my 30s or 40s. I ended up getting married at 37 and we had our son when I was 38. I also had some ambivalent feelings as I really liked NOT being married too...I knew I wanted to be with my husband for the long term, but it was an adjustment in how I saw myself. It all went away by the time my son was 1. Marriage and parenthood makes for an entirely different life (and a beautiful life, at that!)

 

You're running 10 years before me, but nonetheless, I don't think there is anything odd with your timeline. In your early 20s (and for me, into my 30s) there is so much going on- school, work, travel, getting to know yourself. After a while, for many people, it all runs its course and it becomes time to focus on settling down roots, building a home, building a family, creating a future.

 

So you're normal. I don't think you need to focus much on "Why are my feelings changing". It's enough that they are changing, and the better question IMO is "what next? How do I get to where I want to go?"

 

You're actually now, statistically speaking, in the "sweet spot" for long-lasting marriages. Divorce is also on the decline, and the people who experience are usually the ones who marry either much younger or much older than you. Your timing is good. You're also educated and that is another factor associated with long-last marriage. Mid 20s/Early 30s college-educated women and men are the demographic who are continuing to get married.

 

I think it's time to have a good talk with your guy. Let him know that your feelings are changing and you would like to settle down, make it official with him via marriage, get your house, and begin your family together. See where he is in regards to these items. He might be getting ready as well.

[tutugirl]

All good advice! Definitely need to educate myself on investing and such. So many of my friends are spending their disposable incomes on trips, clothes, designer bags and cars, and that just doesn't appeal to me.

 

As for my parents, they got married young. My mom was 23 and my dad was 24. They had me at 25 and my sister at 28. My mom didn't have her drivers license until my sister was born (city living). They had been dating maybe 2 years? My mom spent a lot of that time abroad getting her masters before getting married. She interned in Parliament! She never got to use that degree and I think she regrets it every day. I know she loves me, but she knows she was too young to be a mom and a wife at 25. Hindsight I guess. She always tells me she was the youngest mom at Mommy and Me, and all my childhood friends have parents who are much older. I guess, my parents want me to be sure, want to me have my own life, my own dreams, my own career before I settle down. They look at how they did it and feel it was a mistake, because their marriage fell apart. But as everyone says, you are not your parents.

 

But for me, I have those things. I have never once let a boyfriend hold me back. When we started dating, I was a junior in college. I was taking a semester off for an internship in my home city and we met. I worked and interned while living at home and dating him, and then after the semester was up, I said hey, I'm going back to school 6 hours away from here. You can either stick with me or we can go our separate ways. And it was his choice to stick around. I think I've made really healthy decisions regarding us. I do think that at the beginning, my parents thought he wasn't good enough for me, and that had a lot to do with it. Economically speaking, we grew up very differently. My parents live in this upper middle class world where everyone goes to private school and marries a banker with a trust fund and he's from a tiny town and is a first generation college graduate. But after getting to know him, I think they feel differently. They just want me to be sure he's (or whomever I chose) is what I want for myself. I only intend on getting married once.

[tutugirl]

Thank you @somanymistakes I really appreciate your kind words!

 

I just never wanted to be someone who did something because everyone else is. I don't want to be a sheep, so I'm having a hard time reconciling that with my desire to marry this guy!

[tutugirl]

 

So you're normal. I don't think you need to focus much on "Why are my feelings changing". It's enough that they are changing, and the better question IMO is "what next? How do I get to where I want to go?"

 

 

Thanks for this perspective. Thats a very good next step! I think having an honest and constructive conversation about my new feelings and my hopes for our future in a more concrete fashion (instead of just theoretically discussing marriage and our futures with each other). I don't think it will come as a surprise to him, and I hope because of the groundwork we've laid, we can come to a decision that works for both of us as we make next steps in our lives together!

[GunslingerRoland]

Definitely need to educate myself on investing and such. So many of my friends are spending their disposable incomes on trips, clothes, designer bags and cars, and that just doesn't appeal to me.

 

Houses can easily be an extension of that too. So many people buy crazy ridiculous houses with mortgages they can't afford now.

 

 

As for my parents, they got married young. My mom was 23 and my dad was 24. They had me at 25 and my sister at 28. My mom didn't have her drivers license until my sister was born (city living). They had been dating maybe 2 years? My mom spent a lot of that time abroad getting her masters before getting married. She interned in Parliament! She never got to use that degree and I think she regrets it every day. I know she loves me, but she knows she was too young to be a mom and a wife at 25. Hindsight I guess. She always tells me she was the youngest mom at Mommy and Me, and all my childhood friends have parents who are much older. I guess, my parents want me to be sure, want to me have my own life, my own dreams, my own career before I settle down. They look at how they did it and feel it was a mistake, because their marriage fell apart. But as everyone says, you are not your parents.

 

But for me, I have those things. I have never once let a boyfriend hold me back. When we started dating, I was a junior in college. I was taking a semester off for an internship in my home city and we met. I worked and interned while living at home and dating him, and then after the semester was up, I said hey, I'm going back to school 6 hours away from here. You can either stick with me or we can go our separate ways. And it was his choice to stick around. I think I've made really healthy decisions regarding us. I do think that at the beginning, my parents thought he wasn't good enough for me, and that had a lot to do with it. Economically speaking, we grew up very differently. My parents live in this upper middle class world where everyone goes to private school and marries a banker with a trust fund and he's from a tiny town and is a first generation college graduate. But after getting to know him, I think they feel differently. They just want me to be sure he's (or whomever I chose) is what I want for myself. I only intend on getting married once.

 

That definitely puts things into perspective, but I think you know your own life and what you want for it.

 

Oh and that community you grew up in ain't any kind of middle class, that's growing up wealthy.

[tutugirl]

 

Oh and that community you grew up in ain't any kind of middle class, that's growing up wealthy.

 

Definitely thought so until I met the .01% in my line of work....YIKES. (I work for non-profits, so I'm asking big wigs for money daily and the amount of money these people have is ASTONISHING.)

 

But I do acknowledge my privilege.

 

And I have a lot of family dynamics at play for sure.

 

My boyfriend's family is SO different. His parents met when they were 19, had him at 21, neither of them went to college. His dad was a Navy brat and was kicked out of his home at 16 because he was a hippie who did not believe in war (and that was kind of like, his dad's JOB). They didn't have easy lives and tried their best to provide for him and his brother. 32 years later, they are the MOST in-love people I have ever met. They are kind and caring, and support each other and their kids. They wanted him to go to college even if it killed them because they knew how important it was.

 

But now, he's 31 and they want grandbabies, PRONTO. Thankfully the other brother and his wife are already on that (the wife is NUTS and will tell anyone who listens about her ovulation cycle). But I can tell he has some pressure from his parents to get married and come back east already LOL. His nana is in remission from cancer and definitely wants to see him married sooner rather than later. I am glad I don't have that pressure, but I can see how he might feel because of those dynamics.

[Mr. Lucky]

But now, he's 31 and they want grandbabies, PRONTO. Thankfully the other brother and his wife are already on that (the wife is NUTS and will tell anyone who listens about her ovulation cycle). But I can tell he has some pressure from his parents to get married and come back east already LOL. His nana is in remission from cancer and definitely wants to see him married sooner rather than later. I am glad I don't have that pressure, but I can see how he might feel because of those dynamics.

 

Have you thought about the fact that your current set-up offers him all the benefits of marriage without any of the entanglements?

 

In other words, what's in it for him ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[tutugirl]

Have you thought about the fact that your current set-up offers him all the benefits of marriage without any of the entanglements?

 

In other words, what's in it for him ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I understand that many people have a conservative outlook on living together before marriage. But that is not what I was asking about. My original post was about the feelings and desires I am experiencing towards wanting to get married to the person I have shared my life with for the past 5.5 years which are in conflict with how I personally have viewed myself (and marriage based on my parents relationship) since our relationship started. So this comment is kind of irrelevant to the original conversation. I'm not trying to root out why he wouldn't want to to marry or why he would. I'm trying to sort out my newfound feelings and reconcile them with my parents wishes for me, society's pressures, and how I view myself, both in and out of my relationship.

 

And if I'm being real - I could just as easily ask the same question of myself: whats in it for me? Since I know this comment is usually related to sex, I've been getting the milk for free, too, and TBH its great milk. So in that respect, our current situation also offers ME "all the benefits and none of the entanglements of marriage" as you say.

 

So, again, I don't really see how that is relevant.

[Ronni_W]

I think for me, it would be the desire to show him my commitment. He makes me so happy that I just want that forever? <snip> I guess I want to show him that I choose him, officially. <snip> after all we have accomplished together, I just want to show him (and in turn have him show me) that we are in this together, for better or for worse, in an official way.

Well...you ARE 'officially' together - for better or for worse. You only are not 'married in the eyes of the law'. Far better to be married in your hearts, IMO. At the same time, is he not already absolutely clear on your love and commitment? - or, what makes you think that he isn't?

 

On the other hand, are you not already absolutely clear on his love for and commitment to you? - or, what makes you think that he might not be? - or might not be to the same level that you are?