Is it over?

[amers619]

Alright, here goes everything. Patience, please.

 

I was single for two solid years before I met my current boyfriend. At least I hope he is still my boyfriend. Which that little part right there, brings me here to you fine folks.

 

We met on an online sports page on facebook. Flirted a bit here and there and then he started messaging me. We started talking non-stop. All day every day. We would facetime nearly every night. Even when he was out with a friend he would video message me and introduce me to them.

 

After a couple months of this I went to visit him. I live in Oregon, he lives in Illinois but he travels here about once a month or so for work, lived here up until November last year (right before we met), and has his mom here.

 

It was amazing. Thought my flights were delayed and re-routed and I got in about 8hrs after I was supposed to he was there with open arms. We went out for cocktails. He introduced me to a couple more friends. We fell perfectly in to sync. There was no awkwardness... it was as if we had known each other forever. The long weekend spent with him was pure bliss. He woke me up on one of the nights and told me that I scare the hell out of him and that he loved me. All with tears in his eyes. The love was reciprocated. I had felt the urge to say it before myself but held back because it was still pretty early on.

 

I come home, things are grand, still talking every day, facetime and all. There were a couple little spats here and there with flares of some jealousy on both our parts. But we always voiced it and moved on.

 

The last couple of weeks he has been a bit more distant. I commented on it and he said I was being pushy and that he doesn't have to be talkative all the time and should be allowed his own time. I agreed that was true but I would prefer if he just said something like "Hey, I am fine, just want some quiet today" Or something along those lines so I wasn't left guessing or worrying. I struggle with anxiety which he knows so I had hoped this was an agreeable request. He said he would work more on communicating those things as I had told him from the very start that I was huge on communication.

 

Anyway, we didn't talk for a couple days and it sucked. Then we started talking again and things seemed fine though it was a small flag to me that he didn't tell me he was coming to Oregon but chalked it up to just him being introverted at the time. And it was a last minute trip as well. Anyway we planned to spend Saturday night together.

 

I woke up early Friday morning to a string of texts from him where he was upset over a back and forth I had with another guy on the sports page we are both on. To me it was nothing more than banter regarding teams. To him it was a double standard and me entertaining other guys. He stated we were done and to "you do you" and to cancel our room. I replied that I was truly just BSing with the guy and he was reading more into it than was there. I told him that I didn't realize those interactions bothered him because he had said previously that he just didn't let those things bother him. I apologized and said I did not mean to hurt him or make him upset. He then said at two seperate times during the conversation that he wanted a break/time to re-evaluate the situation. Then that he needed to sleep so I said good night.

 

Reflecting on it I could see that he did have a partial valid point and I said so much to him later that night when I sent him an apology, owning up to my actions and making an effort to correct the issue. I told him that I hoped we could overcome this together and move forward and reminded him that I do really love him. He read it. No reply. Four days of silence. Messaged him a hello this morning. He replied back with a hello. Then I asked if he was okay. He said he was and that he had just gotten back into cell service. I replied with an "Oh, okay. When are you getting back home?" He read it. No reply. Couple hours later, he had been online this whole time, I asked if we were going to be talking about everything soon. He read it. No reply. Was online off and on for a few hours after this and so I messaged and told him I hoped we will talk soon, wished him a safe journey home and mentioned how excited his puppy will be to have his dad home. Read. No reply.

 

Where do I go from here? Is this relationship over? Do I just let it go and move on? Do I give it more time? If so, how much more time? His feelings are valid and so is his need for space, but my feelings and needs are also important and I want nothing more than for us to meet on middle ground and have an actual conversation as opposed to just being ghosted out.

[basil67]

Yes, he's done. And it's probably for the best. It may have started out all warm and fuzzy, he quickly showed his true colours as a poor communicator and wanting a very low amount of contact. You were unhappy with him and justifiably so.

 

He was already checking out before the issue of you bantering with another guy online. Not that I think you did anything wrong there (unless there was flirting which you failed to mention) it's unreasonable for him to expect you won't have casual discussions and banter with anyone of the opposite sex.

 

Grieve what you were hoping this would be. But keep reality in check - that you're probably better off without him.

[amers619]

There was no flirting.

 

I really love the guy. The grieving really sucks. So does no closure.

[amers619]

I also don't understand the "needs time to re-evaluate" if he is truly done... is this a tactic to keep me around in case he gets lonely?

[basil67]

I also don't understand the "needs time to re-evaluate" if he is truly done... is this a tactic to keep me around in case he gets lonely?

 

It's the same thing he was doing when stringing you along with all the rubbish about "I don't want much contact, but still want you as a girlfriend". Why is he doing it? We can only guess at another person's motive, but we can be solid in our response to it. This guy is really one worth leaving in your past.

[basil67]

There was no flirting.

 

I really love the guy. The grieving really sucks. So does no closure.

 

If there was no flirting with the other guy, then you shouldn't have apologised to your boyfriend or tried to make him feel better. He was being controlling and blaming you when you did nothing wrong. Don't EVER apologise if you've done nothing wrong.

 

I think you love the guy who you started out with dating. But do you really love the guy he turned out to be? The one who didn't want contact? The one who came to town and didn't call you? The one who went all stupid because you *gasp* bantered about sport with another poster online?

 

Closure comes from within. In your case, it comes from realising that you were in love with a fantasy but thankfully dodged the bullet of reality.

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like you had a glorious weekend but the reality of you being a flesh & blood person -- rather than just the idea of a person through the internet -- is more than he can handle.

 

 

I understand you have real feelings here but he doesn't seem as invested as you are. If he came to Oregon & didn't see you that is a huge sign that this is truly over. He may want to go back the virtual thing you had going on but I don't see him being willing to have a real relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

My honest opinion: He was already losing interest and looking for a way out, so he manufactured this argument in order to blame you for this relationship ending. And yes, I think the relationship is over.

 

Perhaps he's met someone local and doesn't have the stones to tell you.

 

In any event, it sounds like you haven't actually spent much time together in person. You are slowly getting to see the real him, and it sounds like you're better off without him!