When does it go from innocent to something more?

[Friskyone4u]

OK, so I finally did ask her about the things that were bugging me.

 

Q: Why the h*ll did you reconnect with this guy when you know d@mn well what you will get from him?

A: She said she was curious if he ever finished Physician Assistant school

 

Q: Why did you say HE contacted you when it was the other way around?

A: Got a BS lawyer type answer in regards to semantics, but she did fess up.

 

Q: Why did you only cut him off completely when you learned I knew about the communications?

A: Another BS answer about how it had been a few weeks anyways since the last communication, and it was likely because she had thrown cold water on his advances.

 

I made sure to embarrass the he11 out of her:p. I even mentioned that her communications with him were popping up on a laptop my son and I were using to study for his math test. This is true because she forgot to log out of facebook, and message alerts were coming in. I told her that our son probably read those pathetic messages he had sent. She was horrified about that, and said she would talk to him and try to explain. I don't think he actually paid any attention to the messages, but it was still a good way to embarrass her and rub her nose in it.

 

I was kind of surprised how she tried to downplay it and make it sound like I was just overly jealous and acting obsessively. I guess that is just to be expected. She just kept saying that in her mind it was nothing.

 

Anyways, my trust has dropped from near perfect to maybe 95%. Her naivete about how devious some womanizers can be could get her full of some other dude's you-know-what if she stumbles into this kind of situation again. Hopefully the embarrassment of it all has driven it home.

 

She is the best thing to ever happen to me, and she knows it. We set new boundaries about communications we know the other would not approve of, so overall I am satisfied. I am just so very glad I found out about these communications before this womanizing scum could get to her. He is the kind of guy who would keep trying to chip away at her defenses and never take no for an answer.

 

Zona,

 

I hope you reread what you have posted. You asked your wife a few questions, got what in your own words was bull **** responses, and your trust goes from 100% to 95%. That is called playing ostrich.

 

Then on top of it, she minimizes it as "nothing" really anything to consider a big deal.

 

And as a reward for her behavior, you tell her she is best thing that ever happened to you . Now those are real consequences, right?? Give me a break.

 

And just for a little icing on the cake, this OM who you say is not likely to give up has only been a few weeks away from contacting her, you are convinced he will just let it go. Then you misjudged him right there.

 

No one is telling you to divorce, but there needs to be some action on YOUR part that convinces her that other than you being mad, that there will be some real bad occurrences in her life if this happens again. Not as threats but something she believes by YOUR ACTIONS. Telling her how wonderful she is the way you wrote it is almost like rewarding her for being sneaky and minimizing the whole thing.

 

What you should be doing is seeing an attorney and letting her know you are doing that. Not filing for divorce and not threatening but that will make it clear this is not "no big deal".

 

And the next thing you should be doing is finding out if you know the truth about her not being in contact with him for all this time and more importantly not meeting him. Your only confirmation of that so far is her word, which should not mean a hell of a lot.

 

You are now in the position where she did this, handed you some BS that you correctly called that, and then she is rewarded with you telling her she is the greatest thing on the face of the earth and you could never do better.

 

Hardly a deterrent.

[BluesPower]

Zona, I guess that you are just going to continue and put your head in the sand.

 

[].

 

She has physically cheated on you before, you continue to not believe it, and she is still doing it with someone.[]

I know this sounds harsh, I am hoping that one day soon you will wake up.

 

What your response should have been it WTF do you think you are doing, and asked her to leave the house. But no, you had a quiet conversation with her and accepted her BS answers.

 

Of course, now that she knows you know, she will take this part of the affair underground and communicate in a way that you will not find out again.

 

[]

Edited May 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Personalized derogatory content redacted and member moderated

[mikeylo]

OK, so I finally did ask her about the things that were bugging me.

 

Q: Why the h*ll did you reconnect with this guy when you know d@mn well what you will get from him?

A: She said she was curious if he ever finished Physician Assistant school

 

Q: Why did you say HE contacted you when it was the other way around?

A: Got a BS lawyer type answer in regards to semantics, but she did fess up.

 

Q: Why did you only cut him off completely when you learned I knew about the communications?

A: Another BS answer about how it had been a few weeks anyways since the last communication, and it was likely because she had thrown cold water on his advances.

 

I made sure to embarrass the he11 out of her:p. I even mentioned that her communications with him were popping up on a laptop my son and I were using to study for his math test. This is true because she forgot to log out of facebook, and message alerts were coming in. I told her that our son probably read those pathetic messages he had sent. She was horrified about that, and said she would talk to him and try to explain. I don't think he actually paid any attention to the messages, but it was still a good way to embarrass her and rub her nose in it.

 

I was kind of surprised how she tried to downplay it and make it sound like I was just overly jealous and acting obsessively. I guess that is just to be expected. She just kept saying that in her mind it was nothing.

 

Anyways, my trust has dropped from near perfect to maybe 95%. Her naivete about how devious some womanizers can be could get her full of some other dude's you-know-what if she stumbles into this kind of situation again. Hopefully the embarrassment of it all has driven it home.

 

She is the best thing to ever happen to me, and she knows it. We set new boundaries about communications we know the other would not approve of, so overall I am satisfied. I am just so very glad I found out about these communications before this womanizing scum could get to her. He is the kind of guy who would keep trying to chip away at her defenses and never take no for an answer.

 

I take my previous comments back and join the others.

 

Who is to say that she has or is going to stop any or all communication with this guy? More so, for how long? If he is pursuing her hard and she is weak, where does that leave you ?Does she even want to stop the ' harmless' catchup?

 

If she stops communication, he might declare his undying love as a manipulation tactic.Its not that he is dying for her. Some just like to feel proud of their ' achievement' that they have it in them to get another man's wife.

 

Anyway, how on earth are you ever going to know that nothing is happening behind your back in the disguise of innocent , meaningless friendly chat? How is she going to prove ?

 

If he comes to town , they hug or kiss or whatever, all 'platonic'. Will you ever know ?

[William]

Moderation stopping by to remind members both of the topic and our our guidelines regarding civility and respect

 

I'll queue this for moderation to do a thread review. In the meantime, let's stay focused on the development of innocent associations to suspected or confirmed affairs as indicated. Thanks!

[wmacbride]

OK, so I finally did ask her about the things that were bugging me.

 

Q: Why the h*ll did you reconnect with this guy when you know d@mn well what you will get from him?

A: She said she was curious if he ever finished Physician Assistant school

 

Q: Why did you say HE contacted you when it was the other way around?

A: Got a BS lawyer type answer in regards to semantics, but she did fess up.

 

Q: Why did you only cut him off completely when you learned I knew about the communications?

A: Another BS answer about how it had been a few weeks anyways since the last communication, and it was likely because she had thrown cold water on his advances.

 

I made sure to embarrass the he11 out of her:p. I even mentioned that her communications with him were popping up on a laptop my son and I were using to study for his math test. This is true because she forgot to log out of facebook, and message alerts were coming in. I told her that our son probably read those pathetic messages he had sent. She was horrified about that, and said she would talk to him and try to explain. I don't think he actually paid any attention to the messages, but it was still a good way to embarrass her and rub her nose in it.

 

I was kind of surprised how she tried to downplay it and make it sound like I was just overly jealous and acting obsessively. I guess that is just to be expected. She just kept saying that in her mind it was nothing.

 

Anyways, my trust has dropped from near perfect to maybe 95%. Her naivete about how devious some womanizers can be could get her full of some other dude's you-know-what if she stumbles into this kind of situation again. Hopefully the embarrassment of it all has driven it home.

 

She is the best thing to ever happen to me, and she knows it. We set new boundaries about communications we know the other would not approve of, so overall I am satisfied. I am just so very glad I found out about these communications before this womanizing scum could get to her. He is the kind of guy who would keep trying to chip away at her defenses and never take no for an answer.

 

You are lying to yourself.

 

If your wife wanted to stop talking to him, she would have. She is not a fool and she knows when a guy is flirting with her.

 

I have lots of old friends on social media who I keep in touch with, male and female. I might be incredibly dense when it comes to relationships, but even I know if a guy is paying sexualized compliments and flirting, it;s not innocent, and it gets shut down.

 

Your wife needed you to tell her to do this? Seriously?

 

If she's a doctor, has been through all those years of post secondary education and training, then it's really difficult to swallow that she doesn't know a guy is hitting on her when he says he wants to sleep with her. Her first step should have been to shut him down and get rid of him, but instead, she chose to laugh at him and flirt back.

 

Yes, he is a jerk for trying to sleep with a married woman, but what does that make your wife for allowing it to continue?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Zona....what do you really want?

 

I sense that you want to believe her yet in your gut you truly doubt her.

 

I don't know if you are seeing a therapist or of you have seen a lawyer or if you have both read how to help your spouse heal from your affair.

 

But I do think the time has come for all of these things.

 

You need to be honest with your wife and tell her how you are feeling... express to her your doubts and fears and tell her you want to work together on the issues but she has to help you.

 

Require her to be transparent... ask her for all passwords to all accounts. Tell her she must have no contact with this person and he must be blocked.. and she how she responds.

 

If she continues to deny or if she becomes secretive or fights you on any level... u fortunately you have her answer.

 

If she is not willing to put your feelings about these things above her own desires... she is cheating... she may not be having a physical affair... but she is cheating you out of being the wife you deserve.

 

It's your choice.., how much can you tolerate before you decide to take action.

 

I really hope she snaps out of this for you... but it sounds like she is going to require action on your part.

 

Best of luck to you

[Zona]

Moderation stopping by to remind members both of the topic and our our guidelines regarding civility and respect

 

I'll queue this for moderation to do a thread review. In the meantime, let's stay focused on the development of innocent associations to suspected or confirmed affairs as indicated. Thanks!

 

Yes, I think you are wise to watch out for this kind of stuff. People won't post if the reactions they get are abusive, or just way over the top.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, reading OP's posts and his responses to people here just makes me think this is unbelievable. I can only wish that this ends well for the OP. Zona, I hope we don't see you a few years down the line posting a sad story here. You have your rose coloured glasses for now. Warm wishes.

[MickeyBill]

Y

If she's a doctor, has been through all those years of post secondary education and training, then it's really difficult to swallow that she doesn't know a guy is hitting on her when he says he wants to sleep with her.

 

I am not sure about this, my SIL is a very highly respected ER Doc in a major Us city. In the hospital she is brilliant and bulletproof.

 

Outside of work she is quite a dingbat. So maybe OP wife is similar, somewhat clueless and trusting off duty because on duty she has to be diligent or people could die...or she just might like the attention...

[Zona]

She grew up in a small, tight-knit, highly religious community. She was a virgin when we got married.

 

Honestly, I have no proof she ever cheated, either at an emotional level, or definitely a physical level, so I have to go with that. Also she has been extremely selfless, loving and sacrificial about everything in our marriage.

 

I read her texts with the coworker 8 or so years ago when she told me he was hitting on her, and it was totally one sided on his part. Same this time around except for one time when she said "lol" or something when he said how beautiful he found her. She then went into the "just friends" and happily married spiel about as clearly as one could.

 

She is naive about womanizing men, but this has been a great opportunity to bring things out into the open and WARN HER. They won't take no for an answer, and they will try to make a move when they feel any kind of weakness.

 

Any happily married women reading this should really think about co-workers and bosses, and be really careful about boundaries. Something like 80% of women who have affairs do so with co-workers. It is an easy trap to fall into, and it can ruin your life, as many stories on this forum have documented. You can never undo the damage.

 

Any guys who are worried about their wives bonding with coworkers need to realize that Facebook is a privacy nightmare. Just periodically check to see what kind of conversations she has with other men through the messenger. Same with texts. Yeah, it is spying I guess, but if you are doing it because you love your wife and want to protect her and your marriage, I see no harm in it.

[wmacbride]

She grew up in a small, tight-knit, highly religious community. She was a virgin when we got married.

 

Honestly, I have no proof she ever cheated, either at an emotional level, or definitely a physical level, so I have to go with that. Also she has been extremely selfless, loving and sacrificial about everything in our marriage.

 

I read her texts with the coworker 8 or so years ago when she told me he was hitting on her, and it was totally one sided on his part. Same this time around except for one time when she said "lol" or something when he said how beautiful he found her. She then went into the "just friends" and happily married spiel about as clearly as one could.

 

She is naive about womanizing men, but this has been a great opportunity to bring things out into the open and WARN HER. They won't take no for an answer, and they will try to make a move when they feel any kind of weakness.

 

Any happily married women reading this should really think about co-workers and bosses, and be really careful about boundaries. Something like 80% of women who have affairs do so with co-workers. It is an easy trap to fall into, and it can ruin your life, as many stories on this forum have documented. You can never undo the damage.

 

Any guys who are worried about their wives bonding with coworkers need to realize that Facebook is a privacy nightmare. Just periodically check to see what kind of conversations she has with other men through the messenger. Same with texts. Yeah, it is spying I guess, but if you are doing it because you love your wife and want to protect her and your marriage, I see no harm in it.

 

op,

no spouse shoudl have to feel like they need to monitor their husband or wife.

 

I actually know for sure my husband had an A ( it was a long time ago) and I don't feel the need to monitor his social media. Who wants to live like that? Sure, we share passwords, but not so we can check up on one another, just because we are a partnership, and we share pretty near everything.

 

If you can't trust your spouse enough that you don't feel like you have to parent them by monitoring their social media, that is not a good situation.

 

I know you might think I am picking at you and your wife, but I'm really not trying to. It sounds like you love your wife a huge amount, and I am not doubting that she loves you back.

 

btw, if she knew he was hitting on her eight years ago, and she shut him down, then that means she does know what he was looking for, and she chose to reconnect with him all this time later? She likely has lots of friends and people she meets every day, yet this man who had hit on her( you now know for sure she knew what he was doing) meant enough to her that she wanted to get back in touch with him. Why?

 

This is a direct quote form your first post:

 

"Recently while checking my wife's facebook messenger, I see she found him and reconnected with him a few months back and has been sending messages back and forth. He constantly says how much he would like to f*** her, and how beautiful she is, and what all he would do to her body etc. She just replies things like, oh my husband would not be happy about that, or just with a lol or a giggle. He has stated he would like to meet up with her again when he is in town (he is now living in a different state)."

 

This doesn't match up, in any way, with your latest statements. SHE actively sought to reconnect with a man who hit on her in the past, and he continues to do so, and she hid it form you, only telling you when confronted her.

Edited May 19, 2017 by wmacbride

[Just a Guy]

Hi Zona, sometime ago I had asked you as to what field you were working in. Is it related to your wife's field( Medical) or is it completely unrelated? Also, are your incomes comparable or does she earn significantly more than you or vice versa? How much time do you two get to spend with each other on a daily basis? I ask this because doctors are usually busy people and often are 'on call' if working in hospitals. How much leisure time do you get from your work environment? Also, at the end of the day does your wife or do you feel exhausted and not in the mood to spend quality time with each other? Do both of you get busy with your smart phones / lap tops after your homecoming coffee and refreshments and showers or do you sit with each other or engage in some mutual activity together?

 

Do you socialize during the week or is it reserved for week ends or is it a once a month or once in two month activity? I'm sorry I've forgotten if you have kids or not but if you do have then how old are they and how do you engage with them? I would be grateful if you took the time to answer some of these questions. I only hope for your sake that things remain good for both of you but you would need to keep your sixth sense on high alert to warn you of any undue changes in your wife's behaviour and attitude towards you. Being forewarned is to be forearmed. Warm wishes.

[mikeylo]

I agree in parts-- that if your spouse is on the naive side ( shy, introvert , inexperienced etc comes to mind ), then you have to be the one to protect them and your relationship from outside people.

 

Men ( there are women also ) who don't take no for an answer are to be handled carefully. He needs to be out of your lives 100%.

 

She needs to get rid of all the other 'platonic' friends she might have.They all have agendas.

 

The issue remains about trust.

[Zona]

I missed your question about what I do. I own a successful business, but my wife does make more than me. My work was flexible, so I could be available to do more of the home duties with the kids while she was in school. She only passed her boards about 3 years ago.

 

We really don't have any ego thing going about her making more than me. She knows she would have never made it through school without my help, and that everything was done to make things better for our kids in the long run. She comes from a rich family, so there was an imbalance even when we first met, but it was never a problem.

 

Honestly, she is the kind of dream girl that most guys look for when searching for a wife. I'm sure her beautiful face will be the last thing I see when it's my time to check out of this world.

[Zona]

Hi Zona, sometime ago I had asked you as to what field you were working in. Is it related to your wife's field( Medical) or is it completely unrelated? Also, are your incomes comparable or does she earn significantly more than you or vice versa? How much time do you two get to spend with each other on a daily basis? I ask this because doctors are usually busy people and often are 'on call' if working in hospitals. How much leisure time do you get from your work environment? Also, at the end of the day does your wife or do you feel exhausted and not in the mood to spend quality time with each other? Do both of you get busy with your smart phones / lap tops after your homecoming coffee and refreshments and showers or do you sit with each other or engage in some mutual activity together?

 

Do you socialize during the week or is it reserved for week ends or is it a once a month or once in two month activity? I'm sorry I've forgotten if you have kids or not but if you do have then how old are they and how do you engage with them? I would be grateful if you took the time to answer some of these questions. I only hope for your sake that things remain good for both of you but you would need to keep your sixth sense on high alert to warn you of any undue changes in your wife's behaviour and attitude towards you. Being forewarned is to be forearmed. Warm wishes.

 

Wow, lots of questions!

 

I answered some in the previous post.

 

Yes, she has really long hours, and sometimes charts at home until 9 or 10 at night. This does suck. She just started a new job at another practice, and I don't know yet if she will be on call much, if at all, but this has been a problem in the past too, with her taking calls all day and all night.

 

We try to spend as much time as possible together when she has free time. We text each other throughout the day. We usually watch the news and catch up with each other in the evenings when she is not charting. Our communication has always been great and open, even in the bedroom. We can talk about fantasies and other stuff (but completely agree that they will remain in the fantasy realm!), and have even watched adult movies together occasionally. It sounds weird, but being completely open and vulnerable to your spouse really brings intimacy and closeness. I believe that is something most women crave in a relationship. Of course, we are all unique, and other people's relationship dynamics are different, so what works for us might not work for everyone.

 

We have 2 boys that are getting close to adulthood, and are enjoying the fact that we can refocus on each other, now that our boys are more independent.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Zona, I admire your implicit trust in your wife and of course your obvious 'head over heels' love for your wife. The only thing is does she share the same kind of love for you or is it more generic in intensity and specificity? When you met for the first time did you chase her or was there a strong mutual attraction between you two? How old were both of you when you first met and dated?

 

On another note why did you come to the infidelity forum with the kind of question you posed in your header? Deep down do you get the feeling that your wife is/ has/ could possibly cheat on you? Is your gut giving you a hard time? There were some very telling points you raised in your previous posts. One was that about 8 years ago you and your wife were undergoing a rough patch and were not having any sex. At the same time this guy your wife has been chatting with was regularly going out for lunch with her and otherwise becoming very close with her.

 

At the time do you think your wife was discussing your marital problems with this guy? I mean, on the one hand she was disconnected from you and on the other, she had a convenient shoulder to cry on. You also said that your wife told you that he had been hitting on her and she had choked him off. Others have suggested that this may have been a red herring thrown your way by your wife at the time to put you off the scent in case anyone noticed this closeness between her and this guy and warned you about it. If such a thing had happened you would have shrugged it off as your wife had already confided in you about what was happening between them.

 

This would have cleared the way for her to have an affair with this guy and you would be none the wiser. The thing is you say she was a virgin when you married her and you have also said she has a very high sex drive. Couple that with the fact that she was not getting any sex at home and had never had a chance to spread her wings or sow her wild oats before marriage and there is a very good chance that she may have wanted to step out and get a feel of what life as a single girl would have been like.

 

This guy of course was perfectly positioned to take advantage of the situation. This could also be the reason why she had residual feelings for him and because of which she contacted him. It could also be the reason why he was so explicit in his overtures to her and why she was so gentle in shrugging off his advances. The biggest red flag for me is the fact that as per your statement, she has such a high sex drive and needs no foreplay to get warmed up for sex.

 

I wonder if you can match her step for step with her sex drive otherwise she will be quenching her thirst wherever she finds a spigot! Just some things to think about. Warm wishes.

Edited May 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[wmacbride]

I missed your question about what I do. I own a successful business, but my wife does make more than me. My work was flexible, so I could be available to do more of the home duties with the kids while she was in school. She only passed her boards about 3 years ago.

 

We really don't have any ego thing going about her making more than me. She knows she would have never made it through school without my help, and that everything was done to make things better for our kids in the long run. She comes from a rich family, so there was an imbalance even when we first met, but it was never a problem.

 

Honestly, she is the kind of dream girl that most guys look for when searching for a wife. I'm sure her beautiful face will be the last thing I see when it's my time to check out of this world.

 

Jut warning everyone that what I am gong to say will likely not be popular, but here it goes anyway...

OP, you love your wife so much, and I think your dedication to her is a wonderful thing,so long as it's not blind love.

 

Now here's the part a lot may not agree with. It sounds to me like you don't see your wife as a person, warts and all, and that is simply not fair to her. She is human, and has the same feet of clay as the rest of us. Her faults don't make her a bad person, but they ae there.

 

It doesn't take a genius or someone who has a great deal of emotional intelligence or experience to know that a guy who tell you he wants to sleep with you is only after one thing. Now I would be completely behind her is she said this happened 8 years ago, she didn't ask for it so she stopped contact.

 

She doesn't say that. She knew what he was after and she rekindled the friendship, NOT HIM. He was a clear as he could be about what he was after, and she went looking for him.

[wmacbride]

Hi Zona, I admire your implicit trust in your wife and of course your obvious 'head over heels' love for your wife. The only thing is does she share the same kind of love for you or is it more generic in intensity and specificity? When you met for the first time did you chase her or was there a strong mutual attraction between you two? How old were both of you when you first met and dated?

 

On another note why did you come to the infidelity forum with the kind of question you posed in your header? Deep down do you get the feeling that your wife is/ has/ could possibly cheat on you? Is your gut giving you a hard time? There were some very telling points you raised in your previous posts. One was that about 8 years ago you and your wife were undergoing a rough patch and were not having any sex. At the same time this guy your wife has been chatting with was regularly going out for lunch with her and otherwise becoming very close with her. At the time do you think your wife was discussing your marital problems with this guy? I mean, on the one hand she was disconnected from you and on the other, she had a convenient shoulder to cry on. You also said that your wife told you that he had been hitting on her and she had choked him off. Others have suggested that this may have been a red herring thrown your way by your wife at the time to put you off the scent in case anyone noticed this closeness between her and this guy and warned you about it. If such a thing had happened you would have shrugged it off as your wife had already confided in you about what was happening between them. This would have cleared the way for her to have an affair with this guy and you would be none the wiser. The thing is you say she was a virgin when you married her and you have also said she has a very high sex drive. Couple that with the fact that she was not getting any sex at home and had never had a chance to spread her wings or sow her wild oats before marriage and there is a very good chance that she may have wanted to step out and get a feel of what life as a single girl would have been like. This guy of course was perfectly positioned to take advantage of the situation. This could also be the reason why she had residual feelings for him and because of which she contacted him. It could also be the reason why he was so explicit in his overtures to her and why she was so gentle in shrugging off his advances. The biggest red flag for me is the fact that as per your statement, she has such a high sex drive and needs no foreplay to get warmed up for sex. I wonder if you can match her step for step with her sex drive otherwise she will be quenching her thirst wherever she finds a spigot! Just some things to think about. Warm wishes.

 

good post, but you are looking at the situation from a male point of view.

 

just my personal experience, but women don't tend to cheat for just sex. They cheat for emotional reasons, to feel a sense of power, as a way of being passive aggressive ( my hubby's not giving me what I want, so I'll get it elsewhere, and the whole time, he'll never know) because they feel entitled and others reasons.

[QuietDan]

She grew up in a small, tight-knit, highly religious community. She was a virgin when we got married.

 

Honestly, I have no proof she ever cheated, either at an emotional level, or definitely a physical level, so I have to go with that. Also she has been extremely selfless, loving and sacrificial about everything in our marriage.

 

I read her texts with the coworker 8 or so years ago when she told me he was hitting on her, and it was totally one sided on his part. Same this time around except for one time when she said "lol" or something when he said how beautiful he found her. She then went into the "just friends" and happily married spiel about as clearly as one could.

 

She is naive about womanizing men, but this has been a great opportunity to bring things out into the open and WARN HER. They won't take no for an answer, and they will try to make a move when they feel any kind of weakness.

 

Any happily married women reading this should really think about co-workers and bosses, and be really careful about boundaries. Something like 80% of women who have affairs do so with co-workers. It is an easy trap to fall into, and it can ruin your life, as many stories on this forum have documented. You can never undo the damage.

 

Any guys who are worried about their wives bonding with coworkers need to realize that Facebook is a privacy nightmare. Just periodically check to see what kind of conversations she has with other men through the messenger. Same with texts. Yeah, it is spying I guess, but if you are doing it because you love your wife and want to protect her and your marriage, I see no harm in it.

She is no longer a niave little girl. She is a full grown married woman who is educated, married, and has been sexually active with at least one man for numerous years. She probably has seen and heard about more things than you can even imagine through her career choice. Most medical practitioners see and hear far more than what most typical civilians will ever hear about. I suspect she is far more worldly than you seem to want to acknowledge or admit to on this forum so far. Perhaps she is protecting / guarding your perception of her???

Just a thought here....

[Mrs. John Adams]

good post, but you are looking at the situation from a male point of view.

 

just my personal experience, but women don't tend to cheat for just sex. They cheat for emotional reasons, to feel a sense of power, as a way of being passive aggressive ( my hubby's not giving me what I want, so I'll get it elsewhere, and the whole time, he'll never know) because they feel entitled and others reasons.

 

I would agree that SOME women cheat for emotional reasons as you have stated...but not necessarily for the emotional reasons you have listed. I did not cheat to feel a sense of power...power was the furthest thing from my mind.

 

There are also women who post here on a regular basis who have said they strictly cheated for sex...so while it might be less common...it happens.

 

It is sometimes dangerous to lump everyone into catagories that we have read about and have not experienced ourselves.

[Zona]

I don't have my head in the sand at all. Every marriage has high and low points, and we've been through some low points, and I know all her faults and she knows mine. How could you not after 20 years of marriage.

 

Before meeting my wife, I had a very toxic relationship that lasted years. I've definitely had trust issues since that time, and I've been honest with my wife that if she ever cheated on me, I would divorce her. I didn't say that as a threat, but because I know how my mind now works. I tend to be obsessive with things, and replay things over in my mind, so staying married to an adulteress would not be an option for me.

 

We have worked really hard to rekindle things over the last few years, and it has obviously worked. We feel almost like newlyweds, which is awesome.

 

That being said, if I had concrete proof of infidelity, I would divorce her no matter what the cost. I'm pretty sure that will never happen, but there are no guarantees in life.

 

I've learned a lot since I started this thread. Any extra-curricular electronic contact with opposite sex co-workers can be risky, ESPECIALLY if it is with a guy who has designs on you, so to speak.

 

Most of you are old hat at this kind of stuff, so by creating this thread, I definitely learned how grave this could have become, and I dealt with it. For that I am grateful to y'all.

[Mrs. John Adams]

None of us knows your wife and we don't know what she does s doing except for what you tell us. None of us want you to get hurt and many of us have had to deal with infidelity so we are more cautious.

 

We tend to be more negative . But at the end of the day you have to be the one who makes the decisions best for you.

 

No one here and I mean no one.. is going to have the positive spin on your relationship that you have.

 

You can either keep listening to advice you disagree with or you can lock the thread.

[reboot]

Good luck....

[Just a Guy]

Hi WMcbride, thank you for your response to my post. While I agree with your point of view that women do not generally cheat for the sake of sex but more for emotional reasons, the fact remains that in the case of Zona's wife they were having a rough patch in their marriage 8 years ago. I am sure that there was an emotional dry spell along with a sexual dry spell also. Coincidentally, just at that time she got close to this person who was a coworker of hers at the time.

 

They were regularly going out for lunches and he had also hit on her then. So if you were a casual observer of this situation would you not put two and two together and think that they could/ would have slipped into an affair? Add to this the fact that as per Zona his wife has a very high sex drive which was not being fulfilled at home. Also, in the light of what Zona has said, he seems to have put her on a pedestal, a sure fire way of making her lose respect for him.

 

Also, since Zona had now said, since he had a discussion with her in the beginning of their relationship that he would divorce her if she cheated on him, she threw a red herring across his path by telling him her coworker was hitting on her and she had choked him off. This way if any news got through to him about her being around her coworker, he would dismiss it as something normal, giving her leeway to do whatever she wanted with this other guy without raising suspicions.

 

I agree that all this is conjecture but all of it is in the realm of possibility and I guess we all know cheaters can be devious. This possibility also supports the fact of his wife deliberately going on to FB and searching out this ex coworker and then carrying on s months long exchange of texts where this fellow was obviously hitting on her again. Also, her response to his aggressively propositioning her was weak and half hearted. Obviously, she was enjoying the attention and all of this was being done surreptitiously without the knowledge of her husband.

 

I am not saying his wife is cheating but ad the saying goes "Where there's smoke there's a fire". Hope I have been able to clarify the reasoning behind my previous post. Warm wishes.

Edited May 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Cephalopod]

I don't have my head in the sand at all. Every marriage has high and low points, and we've been through some low points, and I know all her faults and she knows mine. How could you not after 20 years of marriage.

 

Before meeting my wife, I had a very toxic relationship that lasted years. I've definitely had trust issues since that time, and I've been honest with my wife that if she ever cheated on me, I would divorce her. I didn't say that as a threat, but because I know how my mind now works. I tend to be obsessive with things, and replay things over in my mind, so staying married to an adulteress would not be an option for me.

 

We have worked really hard to rekindle things over the last few years, and it has obviously worked. We feel almost like newlyweds, which is awesome.

 

That being said, if I had concrete proof of infidelity, I would divorce her no matter what the cost. I'm pretty sure that will never happen, but there are no guarantees in life.

 

I've learned a lot since I started this thread. Any extra-curricular electronic contact with opposite sex co-workers can be risky, ESPECIALLY if it is with a guy who has designs on you, so to speak.

 

Most of you are old hat at this kind of stuff, so by creating this thread, I definitely learned how grave this could have become, and I dealt with it. For that I am grateful to y'all.

 

But brother none of this means a damn if there are no boundaries set hard and firm in your marriage. Your wife, educated and sophisticated as she is, is lacking in boundaries to protect herself from predatory men. She has shown you this. As long as she lacks these boundaries, your marriage will NEVER be safe. Yeah we think it's swell she is a doctor and such a highly evolved human being. But she is also still a woman, who enjoys being chased by men and enjoys the ego stroking that a man other than her husband can give her. She has demonstrated this.

 

You and her need to get into some serious marriage counseling, with a hard-nosed, pro-marriage counselor who will hold both of your feet to the fire.

 

I recommend you download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Glover. It is an eye opener and will help you identify pincushion traits in yourself that cause your wife to lack respect for you. Another good read is "Married Man's Sex Life Primer", which is an eye opening manual about what motivates women and how to communicate with them. Both of these books would be good reading for you and give you a fresh perspective.