When one of you is on the messy side

[rushed]

For those of you who live together, how do you split chores and how do you handle it when one of you is a lot messier than the other?

 

My boyfriend is an amazing guy. He's kind, he's sweet, he gets along incredibly well with my kids. He's brilliant and has a great professional job. I love him, he loves me and treats me with nothing but kindness and affection.

 

But boy do his cleaning habits leave a lot to be desired.

 

We've been living together for six months now. I'm not a neat freak by any means. I don't care about clutter in the bedroom or living room. However, I need to have a clean kitchen and clean bathroom. Upon moving in we split up the cleaning by him doing the kitchen and me doing the bathroom. Great, right? However, I was coming home from work everyday finding the kitchen messy - dirty dishes in the sink and the counter, food and food wrappers left out, floor unswept, all kinds of stuff left on the kitchen table, dirty pans and grease left on the stove. Sometimes I'd ask him to clean up, sometimes I would clean up and he'd see me and come and help, sometimes I would wake up early just to clean up only to come home from work later at night to see the kitchen back to looking like a disaster zone. It's really frustrating.

 

So I suggested we switch. Maybe that would help. He clean the bathroom and I clean the kitchen. Well, that was several weeks ago. The bathroom hasn't been touched. The tub hasn't been scrubbed, toilet not cleaned, sink not wiped down.

 

I don't want to have to nag him to do his part. I'm not his mom. I don't want to tell him what to do. Nor do I want to clean up his mess. There are only so many times I can ask him to do his share before I just start building up resentment. And I'm sure it doesn't make him feel good either.

 

I know my boyfriend doesn't do it on purpose. Filth and mess just don't bother him so seeing it doesn't trigger him like it does me. Prior to living with me, he hired cleaners to clean his place every other week. That's not in my budget. Nor would it address the everyday mess.

 

So for those of you who live together - how do you handle chores? And namely how do handle it when one of you is continually messy?

[hestheone66]

If he's amazing in all other aspects I say you do the chores..

Housework is never something that grown people should fight or be resentful over.

 

You said it yourself, you're a neat freak and he just doesn't notice mess...so in a sense it us a problem for you, not for him..

 

You'll probably find over time he will get accustomed to your ways .

 

I'm saying this as someone who sees doing cleaning as a way of demonstrating love..I've always done the cleaning, cooking and I work full-time...I don't feel resentful as it was my decision to use it as a loving gesture

[basil67]

Try changing the plan.

 

Clean the kitchen together after cooking the evening meal. Find a time (eg, one hour on a Saturday morning) to muck in together and clean the place up.

[mikeylo]

You learn to live with a little bit of mess.

[d0nnivain]

You hire a cleaning person.

 

 

I'm the messy one. He's not going to change.

[somanymistakes]

Can you live with it if he only cleans the bathroom once a week, but DOES actually clean it once a week? Many naturally messy people can handle specific chores once in a while, if you tell them exactly what they need to do and when they need to do it. Yes, it might take a couple of reminders to make it part of his routine, but if you think of it as helping rather than nagging, and thank him for it when he's done, he might be able to manage.

 

However if he's naturally messy there is no way he's going to handle the everyday cleanup the way you want it. It's just not in his nature. Even if he tried, he'd do it wrong because he would miss things that seemed obvious to you, and that would make him feel even more resentful.

[Thisguy21]

Just rework the chores list. How about you do most of the cleaning and he takes other things off your plate. Like budget or groceries or anything else that will lessen the burden on you so you can do the cleaning. Those are just examples. Of course I have no clue what else you guys split up and do. Can cook worth a flip? Anyone can do laundry, he can take that over completely. Maybe he can also do dishes but just not clean the rest of the kitchen they way you like it?

 

You are just going to have to play to each other's strengths and learn to shoulder your respective loads. It's ok to rework your system until you find that sweet spot. But know that life and times change and what you might find works today won't work anymore a few years from now. Then you just sit down and go over it, change things up and keep moving.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd guess, in the kitchen for instance, much of the mess comes from your kids.

 

If he's as great as you say he is in other areas, I'd work around it. Many good solutions already offered...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gemma1]

You said that a housekeeper is "not in your budget" but clearly it was in his before he moved in with you. If he doesn't want to help with cleaning, why can't he continue to hire a cleaning person for his part in the housework? They could come in once per week since they're only doing half the work.

[SJS]

I'm the messy one, and he knew it 20 years ago. He's had to learn to live with a bit of clutter, and I've had to learn that he has a tipping point of how much he can stand and not cross that if I want to keep the peace.

 

I agree with Basil, clean the kitchen together. One of you cleans the surfaces while the other does the dishes or something.

 

Personally, I'd keep the bathroom because it's easy. I can run the scrub brush around the toilet while the hair straightener is heating up or wipe down the shower while waiting on my mud mask and teeth whiteners. lol

 

You mention your kids...how old are they? Why aren't they helping out?

[rushed]

Thank you for all the ideas and suggestions, everyone.

 

My kids are 12 and 13. I share custody with their dad so they're not always at my place. But when they are they're pretty good about picking up after themselves. They do their own laundry and any chores I ask them to help with. Also, I take them out to eat a lot, precisely because I hate the mess that gets created from cooking at home.

 

The mess that bothers me is the one that my boyfriend makes and leaves during the course of his day (he works from home a lot). I work 2-10pm. So when I come home from work it's his dirty dishes in the sink, pans on the stove, take out and food containers on the table. It's also his beard hairs and nail clippings in and around the bathroom sink, the soap ring from his baths in the bathtub.

 

If the bathroom bothers me enough I might ask him to get cleaners for it. It just seems like a huge waste of money when it's so easy to do yourself.

 

But he is a great guy. I asked him to clean up in the kitchen last night and he did so with zero complaints. He even let me know that we could try using bleach to get the curry stains off the white table as they didn't come off when he wiped it. (He got Indian food and it looked like half the table was covered in curry spills. I have no idea how long it sat there.)

 

It looks like it's going to have to be my mentality that will have to change. As some of you have mentioned, he's not going to change. But in the grand scheme of things, this is such a minor inconvenience, especially considering how happy he makes me with everything else.

[Thisguy21]

Thank you for all the ideas and suggestions, everyone.

 

My kids are 12 and 13. I share custody with their dad so they're not always at my place. But when they are they're pretty good about picking up after themselves. They do their own laundry and any chores I ask them to help with. Also, I take them out to eat a lot, precisely because I hate the mess that gets created from cooking at home.

 

The mess that bothers me is the one that my boyfriend makes and leaves during the course of his day (he works from home a lot). I work 2-10pm. So when I come home from work it's his dirty dishes in the sink, pans on the stove, take out and food containers on the table. It's also his beard hairs and nail clippings in and around the bathroom sink, the soap ring from his baths in the bathtub.

 

If the bathroom bothers me enough I might ask him to get cleaners for it. It just seems like a huge waste of money when it's so easy to do yourself.

 

But he is a great guy. I asked him to clean up in the kitchen last night and he did so with zero complaints. He even let me know that we could try using bleach to get the curry stains off the white table as they didn't come off when he wiped it. (He got Indian food and it looked like half the table was covered in curry spills. I have no idea how long it sat there.)

 

It looks like it's going to have to be my mentality that will have to change. As some of you have mentioned, he's not going to change. But in the grand scheme of things, this is such a minor inconvenience, especially considering how happy he makes me with everything else.

 

Well, you keep the score at 100% of women who complain about beard hair in the sink. I've never seen it dip below a perfect 100% on that complaint. Haha. So yeah, that one you ladies are just going to have to get over already. how long can you ladies as a gender keep complaining about beard hair in the sink before you finally drop it? A few more centuries?

 

Next invention idea, a self automated beard hair cleaning sink. Every wife is going to want one! You would make fortunes!

[Mr. Lucky]

I hate the mess that gets created from cooking at home.

 

This makes me think you might have, if not unrealistic expectations, at the very least a pretty high bar.

 

Choose your battles wisely...

 

Mr. Lucky

[rushed]

This makes me think you might have, if not unrealistic expectations, at the very least a pretty high bar.

 

Choose your battles wisely...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No high bar. Just lazy and doesn't like dirty kitchens (if you don't use it it can't get dirty, right? lol). However, in regards to my boyfriend yes, I'm seeing my expectations are unrealistic.

 

No worries, though. I'm working on letting this battle go. A lot of the posts here are sticking in my head and getting through to me, yours included. This morning I saw giant curry stains all over the living room carpet. My boyfriend let me know he tried cleaning it, but alas, it's curry; It stains. It was quite a pleasant feeling to feel nothing but amusement on my end.

[d0nnivain]

If the bathroom bothers me enough I might ask him to get cleaners for it. It just seems like a huge waste of money when it's so easy to do yourself.

 

 

Don't measure the cost in money. If your disparate views on cleaning continue to drive a wedge between you, you may pay the ultimate price: the destruction of your relationship. A few dollars or euros for a housekeeper doesn't seem quite so high anymore does it?

[Mr. Lucky]

No worries, though. I'm working on letting this battle go. A lot of the posts here are sticking in my head and getting through to me, yours included. This morning I saw giant curry stains all over the living room carpet. My boyfriend let me know he tried cleaning it, but alas, it's curry; It stains. It was quite a pleasant feeling to feel nothing but amusement on my end.

 

Nice to see someone willing to adjust .

 

Love curry, hard to find good restaurants here in the US. Assuming you're in the UK, had great Indian food last time I was in London...

 

Mr. Lucky