Relationship is Over: Should I Make This Gesture of Good Will?

[BluSpark]

I just ended a long-distance relationship with a lady who lives in Costa Rica. I am a guy in the U.S. She lives and works illegally in Costa Rica as she is originally from Colombia. I will call her Maria.

 

Sorry for the long post: For the short version, just read the "Summing it all Up" and "The Crux of My Post" sections at the very end.

 

Here is some "context" before I get to the crux of my post:

 

-We first met about two years ago by chance at a sidewalk café in Costa Rica while I was there on vacation. We went on several dates during my week there and struck up a nice romantic relationship. However, once I returned to the U.S. I told her I thought the distance was too much. She was disappointed but understanding and we remained on again/off again friends via text/email.

 

-We reconnected in Jan. 2017 via Facebook. Something inside me wanted to see her again as I was really fond of her and thought we could give it a shot IF I could move there or she could move to the U.S. So I visited her in January 2017 and again in April 2017.

 

-After the January trip I was really into her and I think the feeling was mutual. However, during the second visit I began to see some attitudes/behaviors I did not like and I began to have doubts. For one she did not take one day off from work during my visits. Granted she is illegal and must work as much as possible but I thought maybe ONE day would be nice.

 

On the last night together I showed her something on my smart phone and she happened to see several other women in my WhatsApp chats. All conversations were from 2016 and these were ALL women in my PAST. The only exception is one woman I had two dates with in 2016. Me and this other lady decided NOT to be romantic and to just be friends. We had last chatted in Feb. 2017. Nevertheless, Maria was suspicious and upset I had old female contacts in my phone. After some consoling she came around and seemed ok with it.

 

-Upon my return to the U.S. I did some soul searching and came to the conclusion we should not be together. One additional reason for my doubts was I found a post on her ex-boyfriend's Facebook page which showed the two of them exchanging sweet musings in July 2015. I had met her in April 2015 and we were still in the stage of talking about a second trip and sharing romantic texts, etc.. I had even sent her a little money in July 2015 to help her buy some furniture.

 

-She had previously told me three things about her ex-boyfriend:

1) they started dating in Oct. 2015 which was AFTER I told her the distance was too much and I would not be coming back;

2) they had met in Costa Rica, not her native Colombia; and

3) they broke up in December 2016.

 

However, when I asked her again a few days ago about how/when they met she conceded this time they had known each other in her native Colombia BEFORE she ever met me. So the July 2015 facebook posting made me suspect she might have been dating him while courting me long distance or even in April 2015 when we first met. Of course, I can't prove it. The "incriminating" post from July 2015 was a photo of him. She had posted an Emoji with hearts pouring out and he replied "Muy linda amor" (Very pretty my love). In latin culture that could be innocuous mutual admiration.

 

-Summing it all up:

So upon my return from the April 2017 trip she began to sense in my texts that I was a little distant. She began to get angry if I did not reply right away and say I never really wanted to be with her long-term. That is NOT true. I went in 100% sincere and even STOPPED dating a lady here in the U.S. in January 2017 to see how this would play out between Maria and myself.

 

So I told Maria I had doubts about the relationship. I told her about her not taking off work. She replied she could do so next time. I said that would be nice and told no worries about not be able to do so before. Then I sent her a copy of the Facebook post from July 2015 which made me doubt if what she had told me previously about ex-boyfriend was really true. She went ballistic and almost immediately blocked me from her WhatsApp and Facebook page.

 

-The Crux of my Post: I feel like it was a "cheap" move by me to send her the copy of the Facebook post. I probably should have just told her it was over and not bring that up. So I am feeling a bit guilty.

 

-She has not been able to visit her native Colombia in two years due to her illegal status. Since this morning she has blocked me from her WhatsApp/Facebook. However, I do have her sister's contact info. Her sister also lives in Costa Rica.

 

-I was thinking of paying the fine she would need to pay to leave Costa Rica and visit her mom/family in Colombia. This would cost me about $1,000 U.S. dollars. She would also be free to re-enter Costa Rica after a few weeks.

 

-Am I a fool to even think about this? or would this be a nice gesture to basically say, "Hey we don't work as a couple but let me leave you with a nice surprise, etc. " Actually, I'd probably tell her sister to not even say it was from me as she might not accept it.

[Purepony]

I wouldn't do it ...

What purpose will it serve ? There's probably another guy in the picture have him pay it

[IndigoNight]

If she blocked you, it is time to move on. She has given you a pretty clear message that she doesn't want to talk to you. Accept it, and save your money.

 

Unless you are friends with her sister, it might be a good idea to delete her contact info as well. There is really no reason for you to contact her. Honestly, it used to creep me out when an ex got in touch with my family after being told to leave me alone. It was a bit violating actually. Leave family out of it.

 

Sometimes it is just best to let it go, and get on with your life.

[BluSpark]

Quick update: She unblocked me and sent a text saying she was upset that I brought up her past and would not just take responsibility that I wanted to end the relationship.

 

So I apologized and took responsibility saying that parsing when/how she met her ex boyfriend is probably immaterial today and that she is a terrific lady but I think we are better off as friends.

[emi]

Are u rich? If so i dont think its a matter to tell you how to spend your money.

But personally for me, its a useless move.