found out he's married :(

[grays]

Sooo, I was married for 25 years and now single for nearly 3. In that time Ive dated a ton. A lot of them have been awesome guys, but not right for me. The only one Ive really loved I met a little more than a year ago and he got orders to move to hawaii about three months later. Right before he left he spent three days at my place with me and I swear it was just about the most blissful three days in my life. And I was so heartbroken when he left.

 

We didnt plan on being faithful or even keeping things going, but every time we've talked hes said he's looking forward to being with me when he gets back (will be back in 2 years). But the last time I talked to him he invited me to come visit but warned me that he had a live in girlfriend. He downplayed it like it was just temporary and he doesnt want to stay in hawaii, yada yada. And she supposedly understood that.

 

So obviously that whole situation put a chill on things for me. I havent had any contact with him since then. But i have had this little hope (tho i know its a pretty stupid one) that hed come back and really be a good guy after all.

 

And then tonight i couldnt sleep and started doing some internet sleuthing and managed to find his fb page w his marine stuff which was just GySgt and his last name, so crazy that i found it bc his last name is really common. And then I found one comment from his sister on a pic, clicked on that, and it immediately led me to his private facebook page, which was under his first name and his wife's first name. Second post was a big 16th anniversary mushy thing about how much in love he was and wanting to spend the next 50 years with her.

 

And then I almost feel like even worse than the wife was all the other lies that jumped out at me. Like he had told me that he got full custody of his 8 mo old son when he was 19, raised him completely by himself. But if hes been married for 16 years that didnt happen at all. Now I feel like hes just a whole different person. He made up this whole life story that didnt happen.

 

And the worst part is the whole time Im scouring these pics in his facebook, Im still feeling in love w him. And Im trying to come up with some kind of justification that would make it ok that he did this and make it ok somehow for me to be with him.

 

I feel like I should be feeling angry and outraged but instead Im feeling sad and like I wish there was some way for me to be able to have him. I wish it made me not want him.

 

I know the thing thats going to save me from it is that Im so lonely and I know that being with him wont make me less lonely. I feel like hes dangerous and will only make me miserable.

 

Is all this a normal way to feel? It seems like a healthy person would be hopping mad and immediately reject him.

[NTV]

If feelings made sense they would be called logic. Lol

[anika99]

So is the woman he's currently living with his wife or yet another woman? He sounds like a very practiced liar and cheater. Not sure why you still want him now that you have found out he has been lying to you about his entire life. You think you love him but you don't even know him. Your feelings for him are based on infatuation, fantasy and lies. That's not really love, it's fantasizing and longing, it's similar to a teenage crush. Deep love comes with time and getting to know a person inside and out. You don't really know much about this guy other than he cheats and he lies.

[stillafool]

If you are lonely just keep dating until you meet the right man. The MM used you and has no intentions of ever being your man. You saw this yourself in black and white so don't be that woman.

[grays]

So is the woman he's currently living with his wife or yet another woman? He sounds like a very practiced liar and cheater. Not sure why you still want him now that you have found out he has been lying to you about his entire life. You think you love him but you don't even know him. Your feelings for him are based on infatuation, fantasy and lies. That's not really love, it's fantasizing and longing, it's similar to a teenage crush. Deep love comes with time and getting to know a person inside and out. You don't really know much about this guy other than he cheats and he lies.

 

Its his wife hes with in hawaii. ITA with all youre saying. The reason I didnt want to wait for him or do some long distance thing was that I felt like our relationship wasnt far enough along for that. I knew we didnt know each other well enough for putting my life on hold. So even without the wife... But you know sometimes you connect with somebody in a unique way, whether theyre married or a player or an *******. And I do think we had a real connection.

 

If you are lonely just keep dating until you meet the right man. The MM used you and has no intentions of ever being your man. You saw this yourself in black and white so don't be that woman.

 

This is very true. I wouldnt want him even if I was able to pull him away from his marriage. But they look crazy about each other in the pics and shes really beautiful, like stunning and they have three boys (who I knew nothing about). So absolutely, he has no intention to be my man.

 

There is no chance that im going to pursue anything with him. Im just wishing right now that i could hate him or at least feel angry.

[BaileyB]

Perhaps, you are still feeling shock - the anger will come.

 

Either way, this discovery is a gift. This is not a good guy. He has lied to you, his wife, and his children... Who knows how many other women have slept in his bed. You should be glad that you know this now before it got even more serious.

 

Best wishes.

[BluesPower]

Grays...

 

I know that this does hurt. And, I know that part of you wants to find that one and settle down if you can. I get all that.

 

Is this the long distance guy or is it someone that was local?

 

And just so you know, for now, and after a crazy Ex GF episode, I met a wonderful girl and have gone straight so to speak.

 

I am really hoping that this works out, and it was totally unexpected. I never even thought I would get here, so you never know...

 

Hang in there...

[aileD]

Cheaters are reallllly good at creating that amazing "connection".

[imsosad]

Cheaters are reallllly good at creating that amazing "connection".

You beat me to it, aile.

OP,you say you still believe you had a special connection. Welll, that's because this is what this guy does. Serial cheaters are pros at creating amazing connections, one in a lifetme love stories and emotional drama.

Creating this 'special bond' is the oldest trick in the player's book.

Google 'love bombing', that will be closer to the truth.

[BTDT2012]

Send a friend request. Bet that will scare him.

[grays]

Perhaps, you are still feeling shock - the anger will come.

 

Either way, this discovery is a gift. This is not a good guy. He has lied to you, his wife, and his children... Who knows how many other women have slept in his bed. You should be glad that you know this now before it got even more serious.

 

Best wishes.

 

I agree. Way better to know. And maybe right now was the perfect time to find out. Hes been gone a year and Im over the rawness of losing him and I have two years before hes supposed to be back. I can surely digest this in that amount of time. At this point, I wasnt counting on ever seeing him. My hope has always been to find someone else I really dig. I was really scared of the idea of him coming back in three years, me still being single, and us not working.

 

I think I am still in shock, but Im already coming around a bit.

 

Grays...

 

I know that this does hurt. And, I know that part of you wants to find that one and settle down if you can. I get all that.

 

Is this the long distance guy or is it someone that was local?

 

And just so you know, for now, and after a crazy Ex GF episode, I met a wonderful girl and have gone straight so to speak.

 

I am really hoping that this works out, and it was totally unexpected. I never even thought I would get here, so you never know...

 

Hang in there...

 

This is not *that* long distance guy. That one is a really decent guy. (Of course, im questioning everyone and everything now.) I really like him. But I dont want a LDR (we're on opposite coasts) and as awesome as he is on paper hes not very passionate at all. If he lived here I think Id try to push him in that direction somehow but when a weekend together costs $600, I feel like its quite a gamble. I told him a while back that I wanted to find someone here and he was really understanding and cool about it and we still text all the time. Hes broken me down a bit tho and we're meeting in Vegas in a couple weeks.

 

You give me hope. But I seriously havent seen anything to be hopeful about in my life. I think married guy was that. He was the one that I clicked with and even tho I was sad af when he left I thought, well, if I found one I could find another. But now it turns out he was not real.

 

Cheaters are reallllly good at creating that amazing "connection".

 

This idea just makes me so sad. I wish I could believe that even tho he was married and lying about nearly everything that the feelings were real.

 

Send a friend request. Bet that will scare him.

 

Ive been thinking about that. lol. Im sure hes gonna see me in his "people you might know." Im not ready to completely end all contact. Im sure if he saw me as a threat to his marriage Id be blocked across the board.

[Overtaxed]

You beat me to it, aile.

OP,you say you still believe you had a special connection. Welll, that's because this is what this guy does. Serial cheaters are pros at creating amazing connections, one in a lifetme love stories and emotional drama.

Creating this 'special bond' is the oldest trick in the player's book.

Google 'love bombing', that will be closer to the truth.

 

It's real easy to create an amazing connection when you don't plan to follow through on any of it. The number 1 trick of cheaters to bed an AP; promise the world, hopefully her husband/wife can deliver it, because, you certainly won't be.

 

The emotional drama comes as a result of their skill, but also the situation. Forbidden "love" and all that. But remember, get to the point where the "rubber meets the road" (IE, you leave and go full time with the AP), you'll quickly watch that love story evaporate into a regular old relationship, because, at the end of the day, it's a different skill. Build a "fantasy" where you can say anything, make any promise, do anything you want in bed, etc vs. building a relationship/life with someone. Very different, and rarely is one person good at both.

[grays]

It's real easy to create an amazing connection when you don't plan to follow through on any of it. The number 1 trick of cheaters to bed an AP; promise the world, hopefully her husband/wife can deliver it, because, you certainly won't be.

 

The emotional drama comes as a result of their skill, but also the situation. Forbidden "love" and all that. But remember, get to the point where the "rubber meets the road" (IE, you leave and go full time with the AP), you'll quickly watch that love story evaporate into a regular old relationship, because, at the end of the day, it's a different skill. Build a "fantasy" where you can say anything, make any promise, do anything you want in bed, etc vs. building a relationship/life with someone. Very different, and rarely is one person good at both.

 

None of that is going to come to pass here. We were already hanging by a thread when I found out. I probably wasnt going to see him again even if I hadnt found out.

 

Its funny but the thing thats making me feel angry is that Im pretty sure he lied to me from the beginning about the hawaii thing. The moment I met him I asked him if there was any chance he was going to be deployed or moved and he said absolutely not, he was def gonna be here for three years. I think I asked him like three times. But I feel pretty sure he knew from the beginning. I think what happened was that wife and kids left for hawaii first and he saw that as his chance to have a quick little affair. That hurt me so much, took months to get over it. If I had known from the beginning I would have at least braced myself.

[aileD]

Don't get down on yourself for getting duped by a scammer. You didn't know and he played it well. You're probably one of many.

 

Live and learn, you have good instincts so that's good!

[jenkins95]

(((grays)))

 

Another shocking story demonstrating how low people can go sometimes. I'm so sorry about your pain. You are amongst friends here.

 

You (and his poor wife) are 100% victims and have done absolutely nothing wrong - it's all on him. But just be mindful of the fact that anything you do from now on, you do in the knowledge that he is married and your actions directly affect his wife. Just something to bear in mind if he tries to sweet-talk you.

 

Take the power yourself now. Some would advise you to expose him. I think a sudden, immediate and permanent ghosting would be an appropriate action and it would certainly make him think....and squirm - wondering what you do/don't know, how angry you are and what your next move may be.

 

Keep posting! You will be ok. Look after yourself and kick his sorry ass to the kerb!

Edited May 5, 2017 by jenkins95

[Kejiiraa]

Yeah so, ditch him. Nothing good can come from this

[grays]

This is so crazy. I feel like im having this whole chapter of our relationship alone. I dont feel like I want to talk to him about it or fight or rant because I feel like it is so obvious that I was nothing to him anyway and that my love for him was nothing but foolish. But at the same time it just feels wrong not to be able to have someone to push back against. I guess it feels similar to when I realized things were really over with my husband and he wasnt mine any more. We did hash it all out face to face but bc he wasnt in it anymore it was like he was slack... hard to explain but its a ****ty feeling.

 

Anyway, I have been looking at his damn fb accounts obsessively and I seem to be blocked from one of them suddenly! I was expecting that hed see me on his people you might know and then block but its weird bc its only from his military account. I can still see all his family stuff! Its weird bc he hadnt been active on the military one since 2013. So now Im feeling all obsessive about this detail bc maybe it means he knows I know. Which I think is just a way of feeling some little moment with him, which is possibly the most pathetic thing possible! Wtf???

[whichwayisup]

 

Anyway, I have been looking at his damn fb accounts obsessively and I seem to be blocked from one of them suddenly! I was expecting that hed see me on his people you might know and then block but its weird bc its only from his military account. I can still see all his family stuff! Its weird bc he hadnt been active on the military one since 2013. So now Im feeling all obsessive about this detail bc maybe it means he knows I know. Which I think is just a way of feeling some little moment with him, which is possibly the most pathetic thing possible! Wtf???

 

You need to stop stalking him online..it's not serving you any good. Shut your computer off and go call a friend, go for a walk or listen to music and do dishes, clean up.

 

He probably was aware you were looking as your name probably came up on suggested friends. Anyway, let yourself grieve the loss and cry it out. It's good you know the truth now.

[grays]

You need to stop stalking him online..it's not serving you any good. Shut your computer off and go call a friend, go for a walk or listen to music and do dishes, clean up.

 

He probably was aware you were looking as your name probably came up on suggested friends. Anyway, let yourself grieve the loss and cry it out. It's good you know the truth now.

 

Im not exactly stalking him online. Im aware that some of this was stalking. But now its just more like wallowing in the crap Ive already found. I think I need a few days to digest it. I doubt Ill be looking at his facebook five times a day a week from now.

 

It is good I know the truth but for some reason Im reacting to it as if it means something way beyond him. Like I look at these beautiful pics of him and his family and all I can think is how ridiculous it was that I could think a guy like that would want me. Like for some reason having gotten messed up with this ****ed up situation makes it obvious to me that Im unworthy. I dont think its very logical but I still feel it strongly.

 

ETA: For some reason I can only see his military fb page by googling it, which is how I got to it originally, so I havent been blocked after all. Sigh...

[Steen719]

Im not exactly stalking him online. Im aware that some of this was stalking. But now its just more like wallowing in the crap Ive already found. I think I need a few days to digest it. I doubt Ill be looking at his facebook five times a day a week from now.

 

It is good I know the truth but for some reason Im reacting to it as if it means something way beyond him. Like I look at these beautiful pics of him and his family and all I can think is how ridiculous it was that I could think a guy like that would want me. Like for some reason having gotten messed up with this ****ed up situation makes it obvious to me that Im unworthy. I dont think its very logical but I still feel it strongly.

 

ETA: For some reason I can only see his military fb page by googling it, which is how I got to it originally, so I havent been blocked after all. Sigh...

 

Oh no....it isn't that you are not worthy of him. You do not deserve what he did. He is not worthy of you. "A guy like this"? UGH! Feel sorry for his wife in those beautiful pictures. She doesn't deserve this either. You must quit blaming yourself for something you had no knowledge about. You did not know he was married. He is a cheating, lying POS. Surely you do not have to worry if you are worthy of that! The best you are able, chalk this up to a bad situation that you are now out of and go forward with your life. Be kind to yourself.

[grays]

Oh no....it isn't that you are not worthy of him. You do not deserve what he did. He is not worthy of you. "A guy like this"? UGH! Feel sorry for his wife in those beautiful pictures. She doesn't deserve this either. You must quit blaming yourself for something you had no knowledge about. You did not know he was married. He is a cheating, lying POS. Surely you do not have to worry if you are worthy of that! The best you are able, chalk this up to a bad situation that you are now out of and go forward with your life. Be kind to yourself.

 

Logically I know youre right. Thats of course not the kind of marriage I would want (and before seeing those pics i really didnt feel anything like wanting to be married at all, btw). And when Im looking at the pics wishing i could be in her shoes I tell myself that and then I think maybe Id be happy to be her if I didnt know. I know thats so stupid.

 

I keep telling myself that we write our own narratives and theres no reason I need to adopt this one where they are perfect together and he is still somehow desirable and I am worthless. My narrative could just as easily be that although he loved her (or they had a terrible marriage and were just bitter and resentful at each other), I was so fantastic that he just needed to have some connection to me and then kept coming back because being with me was feeding his soul. I know thats not the truth, but it may be as close to the truth as the narrative that ends with me being undesirable and unworthy.

 

And then theres also this problem of how it fits into the larger context of my life. Hes the only person Ive felt lime i could really be with since my ex. I didnt think he was perfect, but all of the negatives were acceptible trade offs. I dont know if Im too picky or what but there seems to always be a deal breaker for me. Most recently I had a thing with a guy that felt really romantic and sweet and we took things really slowly, had some really nice times. Then we had sex for the first time after three months of spending time together and I kid you not an hour later he starts talking very proudly about how he "broke" his boys when they were young by beating them and they never misbehaved sfter that bc they knew... That is so far out of my comfort zone, just cray cray. Cruel and disgusting. But I feel like there is always something I just cant accept.

[whichwayisup]

Im not exactly stalking him online. Im aware that some of this was stalking. But now its just more like wallowing in the crap Ive already found. I think I need a few days to digest it. I doubt Ill be looking at his facebook five times a day a week from now.

 

It is good I know the truth but for some reason Im reacting to it as if it means something way beyond him. Like I look at these beautiful pics of him and his family and all I can think is how ridiculous it was that I could think a guy like that would want me. Like for some reason having gotten messed up with this ****ed up situation makes it obvious to me that Im unworthy. I dont think its very logical but I still feel it strongly.

 

ETA: For some reason I can only see his military fb page by googling it, which is how I got to it originally, so I havent been blocked after all. Sigh...

 

No contact means NC online too. If you're actively looking for him and snooping online that's only going to bring you more pain.

 

Please stop and let yourself really grieve the loss so you can find a great (single) guy who will love only you when the timing is right.

[grassisorisntgreener]

So am I reading it correctly that he and his wife have a joint facebook page? If so, that's because he's been caught cheating before....