Propose already!

[lilmjshorty]

Well ya know... i live in the bible belt of north america... smack dab in the middle of tennessee... and me and my boyfriend have been ****ing for over a year and we've been together for 4, if that makes any difference.

[weekell75]

You waited 3 whole years?

Wow! Fair play to you!

(I'm from Ireland - what label does that give me? Although I think I have just given that away - damn!)

[lilmjshorty]

I don't get it

[weekell75]

I meant that you waited 3 years before you slept together - I admire your patience/self - control.

[lilmjshorty]

Oh ok, thanks. I wasn't sure if you were being sarcastic or not.

[LoveIsCrazy]

I have to say that a lot of the "advice" that has been given is in my opinion not really advice.

 

Saying that "No one should get married until they're 25" is not really sound advice. There is no magic age at which a person is ready to get married. It is the maturity of both parties involved as well as the maturity of the relationship that determines readiness. I know people who married in their late 30s and shouldn't have married because they were not ready and now just 4 years later their marriage is falling apart. My grandparents married just out of high school (my grandfather was 19 and my grandmother was barely 18) and they have been married for 53 years!

 

I can understand the OP's feeling on the situation. Sweetie, you are not alone. There are a lot of girls who are going through similar situations. Men mature at a different rate than women do and sometimes it takes them longer to be ready for big life events such as this. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years and we are planning to be married in the summer of 2007. We discussed marriage early in our relationship and he surprized me with a promise ring about 6 months after we started dating. I really didn't expect to still be waiting for the engagement ring 3 years after getting the promise ring. However, I know that he is waiting because he is not ready in terms of somethings in his life that he wants in place before joining our lives.

 

I do agree that the offer of purchasing a second promise ring is a good sign that he is not saying that he regrets his decision, but that there are probably other things that he wants in place first. Have you asked him why he is not ready? When first hearing my boyfriend say that he wasn't ready I was afraid that he no longer wanted to marry me, but was assure that the not being ready was nothing to do with me, but that he wants some other parts of his life to be more stable.

 

Big Hugs to you sweetie! Also, if you still want more advice on this subject check out some of the wedding sites on the net (ie. The knot, Ultimate Wedding, Wedding Channel, etc.) many of them have sections for people in our situation and you can get some great support from ladies going through the same thing. Good luck!

[lilmjshorty]

Thank you so much for something positive. Like I said in a previous post, these people are probably so pessimisic because they had some kind of a bad experience in their relationship or marriage. Or maybe they aren't happy with their life and they want to take it out on someone younger and who they thought to be less mature. Either way, I may've been a little extreme with my original post but I was a little irritated at the time. I know he loves me and thats all that matters TO ME. Someone who has no idea who I am shouldn't even matter.

 

We've had quite a few talks about this in the past two weeks. I asked him if he ever meant anything he said in the past, if he just told me those things to make me happy. He told me that he did want to get married right after we graduated high school but he grew up a lot that year and had reality hit him in the face pretty damn hard. One thing that kind of made it different was that he lost his job in april, and was out of work for a little less than 3 months. Yeah I had plenty of comments like "aren't you glad you didn't marry him?" Well honestly no i'm not because to me, he means more than that. It's not about the money, yeah we need it to live but I was working and he had some money in the bank, we made it until he found another (and a better) job. He could've gotten just any old job in less than a week or two but he wouldn't settle for that. Everything is fine with us, I just had something I wanted advice from someone who knew what i was going through. Just how to wait because its so hard to sit back and just wait and wait and wait for him to be ready. I would wait forever for him if thats what it took cause its not just about marriage and growing up and because its the cool thing to do... its because i would never find another guy that knows me like he does and cares about me like he does and loves me like he does. But enough of that, I have to be at school at 8 in the morning

 

By the way, I'm a frequent visitor of TheKnot.com and I may have to try out those other two.

[Grinning Maniac]

"Thank you so much for something positive."

 

Translation: "Thank you so much for finally saying something that I wanted to hear, and also for backing up the position that I had already decided on sticking to before I even made this thread!" *great sigh of relief* ^_^

 

"Like I said in a previous post, these people are probably so pessimisic because they had some kind of a bad experience in their relationship or marriage."

 

I'll try to lay off the sarcasm...but come on. I love it. "These people". Yes, you've found the truth within us all. Listen up, babydoll. If anyone advises you to wait a while before getting married, CLEARLY they're just bitter old fogies who've been through 16 marriages. They're hurting inside like a bad emo song, and are looking to take it alllll out on poor sweet you. The humanity. Don't listen to these horrible cads. Misery loves company, you know. They're out to ruin your happiness...

 

Give me a break. I've never seen a post read more like a verbal handjob... Just so you know, I've never been married. No terrible relationship traumas here. And I still want to wait until my ducks are all in a row and I've achieved some of the goals I've set for myself in life. Why get married early and get bogged down with the responsibilities that marriage and family entail, and possibly end up just "an old married guy who goes to work"? I'd rather be "the kickass game designer who creates out a few reasonable hits in his time and then finally settles down". I'd have something to look back on. Something to be proud of. That definately sounds nicer than just getting "a job" to support a wife and kids before I stop eating Ramen. But that's just me. Maybe I'm just selfish.

 

"Or maybe they aren't happy with their life and they want to take it out on someone younger and who they thought to be less mature"

 

Well, I'm just shy of 21 myself. Whoops... On an unrelated note: *sluuurpsluurp*...

 

I know I shouldn't be busting chops...but on LS (among other places) there's always this lame pattern with threads where someone asks a question, gets a ton of responses that they apparently didn't want to hear, blows those people off completely, and then subsequently gives the old verbal handjob to whomever mirrors their POV the closest. Look around here in a few big threads, you'll see what I mean. It's creepy...or retarded. Not sure. Get back to me on that. Now for my impersonation of 40% of LS Threads...

 

 

OP: "I really hate chocolate cake. It's disgusting. I can't stand it! Am I alone on this?"

 

Poster 1: "Um...actually I think chocolate cake is great. Can't get enough really."

 

Poster 2: "lolol chokolate is teh roxors! something wrong w/ ur tounge buds!!11one"

 

Poster 3: "Eh, I'm cool with all cake really. Speaking of which....FEED ME NOW!"

 

[pattern x10]

 

Poster 20: "Yuck. I hate the stuff. Vanilla cake for me!"

 

OP: "OMG See? I KNEW that those people didn't know anything! They're just vanilla-biased or something. You are like the smartest person here! Kthxbye! ^_^"

 

[Grinning Maniac's eyes begin to bleed profusely and hilarious brain hemorraging ensues...]

 

PS: Nothing personal, it's all love. Good luck with the boyfriend.

[hotgurl]

grinning manic,

I so agree with you there is a post like that going on in the OW section now. Everyone giving good advice and the poster is hostile to everyone except people who agree with him. grrr....

 

 

to op:

I have to say wait move out of the 'rents house get a job after college and then get married there is no rush. Your relationship won't expire. He is not ready anyways. Goood god if I married the guy I was sooo in love with at 20 I'd be married to a felon. Oh I am not bitter never been married, not selfish and am 26. The early twenties you do a lot of growing and chaning esp if you go to college and things happen. It is very rare that hs sweethearts marry if you guys do good for you but don't rush it. realize that yes you have been together for a long time but you started dating young.

[LoveIsCrazy]

I am not trying to say just what the OP wanted to hear. But I was letting her know that she isn't the only one in the situation.

 

I do agree that it is a good idea to live on your own for a little while before getting married. But, I don't agree that it is rare for hs sweethearts to get married. My grandparents were hs sweethearts and have been married for 53 years with 4 kids and 10 grandkids and 2 great grandkids on the way. My sister and her husband were hs sweethearts. One of my best friends is marrying her hs sweetheart on Saturday. And 2 more of my good friends are marrying their hs sweethearts with in the next year and a half. Also my sister has at least 3 friends who have married their hs sweethearts.

 

I think that part of the difference of opinion has to do with culture. I grew up in a very small TN town and it was very common to marry young. When I moved to MI (where I currently reside) where I graduated from it was a "small town" in MI standards but huge compared to where I had spent my first 13 years. The marriage age here is mixed, but it is still common to marry young. Had I grown up in a bigger city then my attitude towards getting married at a young age might be different.

 

I have also noticed that there are quite of the people saying "Don't get married before you are 25" are unmarried. I am a little defensive about this because I have had many people tell me that I am young and I shouldn't be in a serious relationship because I haven't had time to "live". I have never enjoyed dating around. And I don't enjoy parting or clubbing. I am working on my schooling and career and my boyfriend supports those decisions. He is working on his career and is going to be taking over a very succesful auto mechanic shop within the next 10-15 years. I know what it is like to live paycheck and I know that marriage takes work. However, I don't want to waste my life "living it up" when the person who makes me happiest is right in front of me. I am willing to work at a marriage and grow together. Sure we might struggle, but hell, our whole relationship has been a struggle. We have been through some very difficult situations that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and it has been hard, but our relationship is stronger because of it. There have been times that I have begged him to break up with me because I didn't have the strength to end things, but I didn't want him to have to put up with the hell that I knew the next few months would be. Instead of doing the easy thing and backing out, he just pulled me closer and tried his best to help me through the hard times, even when he didn't full understand what I was going through. Sure some of you may not be ready for marriage at 21, but there are some of us who may have the numerical age of 21 but have experienced things in our 21 years that make us more mature than most people our age. I raised my brother and sister while working full time and completing my senior year because my mom and step dad decided that they didn't feel like being parents any more and that it would be more fun to be high all of the time. I ended up moving out at 17 because my grades were falling and I could no longer deal with the constant fighting (the last straw was waking up to my stepdad trying to push my mom down a flight of stairs because he was having halloucinations (sp) that my mom was f***ing another man in the water bed they were sharing and later that night my mom took a large dose of various meds that were in the house in an attempt to end her life). The little brother that I mentioned before has some anger, learning and development issues because my mom smoked crack the entire time she was pregnant with him. So, when you want to tell me that I am too young to know that marriage takes work and that I should wait until I am 25. Please consider the fact that the last 20 years of my life have been hell and I had to think like an adult from a young age so that I could make something of myself. There has only been one other person in my family to graduate from college and that was my sister who graduated just a few months ago. I will graduate from college and I will make a difference in this world and I am lucky enough to have a person who came into my life and actually encouraged me to keep trying when others told me that I would never make anything of myself. I am putting myself through college with no help from anyone other than the $1200 a year I get as a pell grant (that barely makes a dent in my tuition payment) and I am doing it without loans so that I don't graduate to find myself thousands of dollars in debt.

 

Sorry to take over the thread with this, but I guess my southern roots have me thinking "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". The OP came here looking for advice when she was having a bit of a difficult time, but instead of encouraging words she was told that she is too young and immature to be thinking about marriage. If you don't agree with what the OP is asking for advice on then maybe don't post advice.

[lilmjshorty]

Right on! I live in tennessee, born and raised and i understand exactly where your coming from. You kick ass dude and I am so glad that someone knows where I'm coming from

[Grinning Maniac]

Right on! I live in tennessee, born and raised and i understand exactly where your coming from. You kick ass dude and I am so glad that someone knows where I'm coming from

 

And thus...my previous point is proven.

 

Would someone mind telling me why it is that when someone says "wait a little before getting married", the person in question always takes it as: "You're an immature little baby. Marriage is for grownups."

 

Did anyone actually call her immature? If so, it wasn't me. My point was that a person should probably wait until they've achieved most of their life's goals before they get married and have to pre-maturely deal with a lot more responsibilities. It applies moreso for men than women, really. But I never said anything about trying to capture your opportunities for banging and drinking booze, did I? Pretty sure that I didn't...

 

Frankly, it doesn't matter how traumatic someone's life has been. Childhood hell? Whoopidy-doo. If anything, that provides a case as to why someone should hold up before married, so as to avoid unintentionally latching onto someone like an infant latching on to a pacifier or a drowning person to a lifejacket. I'm just saying. Also, from another perspective, if a person had to "Grow up" really fast during childhood, wouldn't they be MORE prone to the middle-age panic of "OMG I NEVER LIVED" that even normal marriages go through?

 

Also, LoveIsCrazy, I never said that you were *trying* to tell her what she wanted to hear. What I said was that she blew everyone off *except* for the few who told her what she was wanting to hear, and that I found that amusing.

 

By the way, the idea of "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" is just a quick road to emotional constipation, in my opinion. Cheers.

[lilmjshorty]

Goals.... lets see... I don't plan to be a billionaire, I don't plan to be a famous writer/actress/comedian etc; I don't plan to travel the world, I don't plan to become a lawyer/doctor/engineer etc; and I don't plan to sleep with X number of guys/girls. So what exactly are my own personal goals as of now? I plan to graduate from a local community college with an associates degree in business management and work in an office until i have the money to open my own company, preferrably a restaurant/bar or even an auto repair shop. I plan to marry the guy I'm with right now and be with him until I die. I plan to have as many kids as I am blessed to have (and can afford of course). And my goal in that is to stay drug/alcohol free. I have been raised only to know parents who **** up their kids lives, me being one of them. I'm not saying I don't appreciate what I've been through because it made me a stronger person. My kids will have a mom and a dad that are there and are willing to support them through everything. I'm not the only one in my situation, my boyfriend happens to feel the same way, and feels as strongly as I do about it. This is something I feel very passionate about, and if that's the only thing I ever achieve in my life, I will die a happy person.

 

People who think that achieving things that the world has to offer may think they're life is great at the time but in the end we'll see who's missing out on what.