Long Distance Dating - How to get him to commit

[livinglife2019]

So the guy I have been dating long distance officially met my family and it was a huge success, excluding the one fight I had with my sister over a completely different matter, everything was smooth sailing. My family have told me that the really like him, and think he's a catch.He cooked them all breakfast and dinner, brought everyone gifts and in general really made the effort. However Because of the long distance and that we have only been dating for about 2 and a half months we have never really had the chat about, being exclusive etc. Yet while he was visiting and staying at my family home. He would introduce himself as my partner/ Boyfriend.

 

I really like this guy, the feelings arent what I expected, I'm not madly in love but I do really care for him and could see myself settling down with him at some point if things work out. The thing is we where having a chat one night in bed and he said he thinks we make a good couple but we have to work at it because of the long distance, there would only be a 30% chance that the relationship would work out. He left on Monday morning on the red eye, and will be stopping back here again on Sunday for one night so that is my chance to have a talk with him.

 

Is there anything I should ask or say to him?

Has anyone any experience of long distance dating and if so how did it end?

[d0nnivain]

You had a version of "the talk". He was fine being labeled your BF. Relax & don't push. He's committed. The fact that he met your family this early is a good sign. Given the distance it's a great sign.

 

 

Communication is the key to any LDR. Communication means talking & getting to know each other . . . . not pushing to label everything or to get the person to recite words of commitment.

 

 

Things seem to be going smoothly. Don't rock the boat. There's an old proverb that says "when you stand well, stand still" meaning that taking action at this point can only screw things up. Don't be that needy girl.

[BaileyB]

I think you are two and a half months into a long distance relationship... I would suggest that you remember that, and set your expectations accordingly.

 

Even if you lived closer and saw each other all the time, it's still really early in the relationship. You have much learning to do about each other before you start making any plans...

 

For now, I would keep things going the way they seem to be going... You could have the conversation "I'm looking for a long term relationship... I'm not dating anyone else... How about you?" And obviously, at some point you will need to move closer before you have any idea of how this will go... But that is a while away, when you consider that you've only known each other for 2 and a half months...

 

But, I do wish you well!

[livinglife2019]

So ive been sort of in a long distance relationship with a guy, we met before he had to move for work hit it off and dated for a while. When he moved I agreed to travel to see him which I did. And he came and spent a few days with me. I live at home so he stayed in my house and met the family all of whom liked him. We never really had a discussion about being a couple however he did introduce himself as my boyfriend and did mention to me if we wanted to work as a couple.we'd have to.work. however the last week.Hes become distant and sent rather strange messages.

 

Me - I know you've been feeling down because of work and I'm just afraid I'm bothering you by texting.

 

Him - None sense, I'm glad you write. You cheer me up. It's kind of weird in the sense I like you, have really enjoyed our meet ups and at the same time have no clue when I'll see you next, I don't want to start a long distance relationship.

 

Me - I actually thought we had already started one. I was Actually planning on visiting you next month However if your not feeling it there's nothing I can do. Also if its because I'm to gaurded it just takes me time to open up to people. Had it come to it I probably would have moved abroad to be with you.

 

Him - I will always feel like a trip with you ? And you could move to live with me, it sounds crazy ?I'm having concerns about only seeing each other once a month...

 

I Replied explaining that my job was flexible and I could visit him more, he then replied saying I'm trying to figure it out

 

He's backed off texting or isn't texting as much as he usually would. Should I just forget about him and try move on?

[Knix]

Yeah back off... he's only willing to get into something if you make all the sacrifices to move by him.

 

 

Most people, when they really want something, will make the effort. He just sounds like he's not super into it.

 

 

If you were to move over there, you're taking a great risk of him being bored and ending things, in which case he would just sit in his home and everything he's used to while you packed and moved back.

[d0nnivain]

Why would you automatically end this now? It sounds like he likes you but is worried about the ramifications of an LDR. If you are willing to make the effort to see him more & he's willing to see less of you then if you were local this could work. the trick will be talking to each other to see if you can find a solution that you both enjoy. Don't give up before giving it a meaningful shot.

[kendahke]

So ive been sort of in a long distance relationship with a guy,

 

What does "sort of" mean?

 

we met before he had to move for work hit it off and dated for a while. When he moved I agreed to travel to see him which I did. And he came and spent a few days with me. I live at home so he stayed in my house and met the family all of whom liked him. We never really had a discussion about being a couple however he did introduce himself as my boyfriend and did mention to me if we wanted to work as a couple.we'd have to.work. however the last week.Hes become distant and sent rather strange messages.

 

Me - I know you've been feeling down because of work and I'm just afraid I'm bothering you by texting.

 

Him - None sense, I'm glad you write. You cheer me up. It's kind of weird in the sense I like you, have really enjoyed our meet ups and at the same time have no clue when I'll see you next, I don't want to start a long distance relationship.

 

Me - I actually thought we had already started one. I was Actually planning on visiting you next month However if your not feeling it there's nothing I can do. Also if its because I'm to gaurded it just takes me time to open up to people. Had it come to it I probably would have moved abroad to be with you.

 

Him - I will always feel like a trip with you ? And you could move to live with me, it sounds crazy ?I'm having concerns about only seeing each other once a month...

 

I Replied explaining that my job was flexible and I could visit him more, he then replied saying I'm trying to figure it out

 

He's backed off texting or isn't texting as much as he usually would. Should I just forget about him and try move on?

 

I think you should give him space and let him demonstrate his interest by how much he bothers to initiate contact with you.

 

And it's a horribly bad idea to move to where he is, let alone live with him.

 

Exactly how long have you two been seeing one another?

[livinglife2019]

I'm just back from a weeks holiday away with a guy I've been kinda seeing long distance! I really wanted to impress him while away, I can't swim and even tho I was absolutely petrified I still went snorkelling even if it meant holding onto a floaty for dear life! I really tried but I don't think he got it, we where in the pool and he was trying to teach me how to float turned around later that evening and told me it was a turn off teaching me to swim. I felt hurt on the last night I got the courage to ask if he'd ever bring me home to meet his family because he met and stayed at my family home and he said no, he explained that his sick grandfather lives with them so it wouldn't be possible. He then said that we both must have different ideas of what this is. I then explained I only asked about visiting his home to see where we stood. He replied by saying that was his answer. He mentioned that he didn't want to feel bad if he met someone or hooked up with someone when we are apart. He then mentioned visiting a place not far from where he lived. The next day at the airport as we where saying goodbye I figured for good, he took his phone out showed me on the map and explained if I could get cheap flights to it he'd definitely be up for meeting again. The thing is I was happy to go out separate ways but after that I'm confused if he didn't want to take things further why mention visiting a different place together? Since returning home he still texts probably not as much as he did but he still texts me even if I don't text him! What should I do? Do I ask if he still wants to go away again or leave it to him. I really like this guy but I am slowly losing interest because I don't want to invest in something that hasn't even got a beginning!

[d0nnivain]

He's happy to talk to you & have sex with you in various locations (on vacation) but he does not want exclusivity.

 

 

He's telling you this is all there is. If you want more -- like a real relationship -- he's not your guy. What you do next is all on you. You can continue to enjoy the once in a while meetings when it's convenient for him or you can bail & go find somebody who wants a relationship

[smackie9]

Guys have np having sex without any strings attached. They can still vacation with you, take you out for dinner, etc, but any of that doesn't mean pursuing commitment. You are a fling and he is having sex with other women....he may not have been blunt about it, but that is what he was trying to tell you.

[Versacehottie]

This is a bad investment for you. Don't waste any more energy or time on this guy unless it is 1000% convenient for you. I wouldn't even do that. Any space and time in your life and heart that you give him will prevent you from moving on to someone who can be everything you want and need.

 

*ps the swimming thing? he also sounds like a d*ck. What purpose could it serve to tell you that it was a turnoff to teach you to swim? and i expect if he cared or didn't have a cold/selfish heart that it would have been endearing even if it was awkward. Drop this potato head.

[ExpatInItaly]

This has nothing to do with the swimming lessons, first of all.

 

He is just not invested - that is the real issue. Vacationing together is all fun and games for him, but he's not going to commit. He's made that clear.

 

As such, I would not make plans to see him again. You will get hurt if you do.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Personally, if a guy I was dating told me while on vacation that it was a 'turn off' to teach me how to swim, I'd think twice about what I was doing with him in the first place.

 

Who behaves like this?

 

If that wasn't your clue into the kind of guy he really is then his response to you meeting his family sure should have.

 

As already stated by others on here, you're basically a vacay hook-up and that's about it. Doesn't matter if you have feelings for him because he's making it crystal clear you're nothing more than a good time whenever it works out in your schedules.

 

You just need to decide if that's good enough for you. Personally, he sounds like a bit of a douche but it's your life.

 

It's unfortunate you didn't clarify what kind of relationship you had with him but that's the price you pay when you don't ask the right questions.

 

Good luck.

[livinglife2019]

I agree with parts of what each of you have said however. now out of the blue he wants me to visit his family this weekend, he basically said I couldn't visit because his grandfather was ill and lived with them! He now said his grandfather is doing better and that he made a bigger deal of it in his head. I explained I couldn't do it this weekend as flights where to expensive but I could another time! Is it a good sign he's happy for me to now meet his family?

[livinglife2019]

He seems to have changed his mind and now wants me to visit his home and family, what do I do?

[Michelle ma Belle]

I agree with parts of what each of you have said however. now out of the blue he wants me to visit his family this weekend, he basically said I couldn't visit because his grandfather was ill and lived with them! He now said his grandfather is doing better and that he made a bigger deal of it in his head. I explained I couldn't do it this weekend as flights where to expensive but I could another time! Is it a good sign he's happy for me to now meet his family?

 

I think you're reading WAY too much into this because YOU want it so badly.

 

You're a big girl. You can make your own decisions but I'm telling you this... you better be prepared to just be a good time girl and nothing more.

 

Again, if you're okay with that and are fine with him meeting/dating/f*cking other women when he's not with you which he warned you about while on vacation, then go and enjoy.

 

Otherwise give your head a shake.

[d0nnivain]

He seems to have changed his mind and now wants me to visit his home and family, what do I do?

 

 

Ask him where this change of heart is coming from & what it means.

[kendahke]

I'm just back from a weeks holiday away with a guy I've been kinda seeing long distance! I really wanted to impress him while away, I can't swim and even tho I was absolutely petrified I still went snorkelling even if it meant holding onto a floaty for dear life! I really tried but I don't think he got it, we where in the pool and he was trying to teach me how to float turned around later that evening and told me it was a turn off teaching me to swim. I felt hurt on the last night I got the courage to ask if he'd ever bring me home to meet his family because he met and stayed at my family home and he said no, he explained that his sick grandfather lives with them so it wouldn't be possible. He then said that we both must have different ideas of what this is. I then explained I only asked about visiting his home to see where we stood. He replied by saying that was his answer. He mentioned that he didn't want to feel bad if he met someone or hooked up with someone when we are apart. He then mentioned visiting a place not far from where he lived. The next day at the airport as we where saying goodbye I figured for good, he took his phone out showed me on the map and explained if I could get cheap flights to it he'd definitely be up for meeting again. The thing is I was happy to go out separate ways but after that I'm confused if he didn't want to take things further why mention visiting a different place together? Since returning home he still texts probably not as much as he did but he still texts me even if I don't text him! What should I do? Do I ask if he still wants to go away again or leave it to him. I really like this guy but I am slowly losing interest because I don't want to invest in something that hasn't even got a beginning!

 

There is absolutely nothing confusing here.

 

He doesn't want a relationship with you. He doesn't want you all in his life to the point where you meet his family. He wants to have sex with other women whenever he wants. He will still entertain you if you spend the cash to come see him, but he's not going to set foot in your direction.

 

IOW--as long as you're willing to do all the heavy lifting and all of the traveling, he'll see you, he'll even sleep with you, but that's where his little trolley ride ends as far as you are concerned.

 

That's pretty clear cut to me. I don't understand what your confusion is.

 

What you do is say to him "we both want different things, so I'm ending this. I wish you well in your life." Then you block him and stop dealing with him.

 

Edited to add:

And him dangling a carrot in front of you still doesn't erase the fact that he still wants to have sex with other women despite being with you.

[d0nnivain]

He now said his grandfather is doing better and that he made a bigger deal of it in his head. I explained I couldn't do it this weekend as flights where to expensive but I could another time! Is it a good sign he's happy for me to now meet his family?

 

 

Unless he has a reason to believe you are independently wealthy this wasn't a real offer. He made it knowing you couldn't come. Now he can keep you dangling because he offered & you're the one who didn't come.

 

 

This guy is cagey.

 

 

He is also not generous. Being annoyed at having to teach you to swim when you were trying to overcome a huge fear for him is a red flag.

[basil67]

He seems to have changed his mind and now wants me to visit his home and family, what do I do?

 

Ask if how he views his "relationship" with you has changed. If he still wants to date and sleep with others, I wouldn't bother. And just to be clear, meeting family doesn't necessarily have any significance.

Edited June 28, 2017 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

A guy who flip-flops that quickly is not someone you can expect a stable relationship with. I would not go to meet his family.

[smackie9]

I know what you are thinking.....that he was testing you to see what YOU are looking for. Well that just isn't the case. Guys don't do that, they are pretty blunt.

 

Now that he knows what your weaknesses are (wanting to meet the family/relationship) he is going to use that knowledge to his advantage to keep you in his orbit.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I know what you are thinking.....that he was testing you to see what YOU are looking for. Well that just isn't the case. Guys don't do that, they are pretty blunt.

 

Now that he knows what your weaknesses are (wanting to meet the family/relationship) he is going to use that knowledge to his advantage to keep you in his orbit.

 

Abso-f*cking*lutely.

[Redhead14]

Very early on in this dating scenario, did you two ever have a conversation about each of your overall dating goals?

[livinglife2019]

I've been kinda seeing a guy long distance, we have probably spent about 4 weeks together between holidays together and visiting each other in the 3 months since meeting. Since he went back home, and making it clear that because of family issues I wouldn't be able to visit his home. I figured things where over when we parted ways on our last holiday together! However he invited me to visit his home town for an event but only gave me 2 days notice so flights where to expensive so I couldn't go. I offered to go on a later date and changed his mind and suggested we go to a different part.

 

So i got annoyed and sent him a message explaining that I wasn't going to keep traveling abroad to date a guy who doesn't want to take it any further.

 

His response was:

 

Let me think on this.

I do like you but long distance is complicated with flights etc

I do like you evidently but I'm not closing any doors I'm just taking it day by day. Knowing 100% where we stand is difficult at the moment.

 

My issue is I gave him a chance to back out of this and end things but he didn't. Now he has however cut back on texting, we used to text all the time. I know the event he's at will be filled with Women it's basically a big party that goes on for a week. So I'm assuming his lack of texting is because he probably doing god knows what! I'm just wondering is he just stringing me along until he meets someone else or is it that he just doesn't know what he wants. I'm getting fed up waiting so I'm going to see if he's up for a call at some point for a chat any advice on what I should say would be appreciated?