30 yr marriage 2 kids, gone, Isolation....how to cope?

[johngalt1149]

I thought after 30 years, she'd at least answer. Remember after 30 years and my supporting her, even saving her and illegally bringing her here by boat after eviction from the USA, Giving her an unlimited budget which she exceeded, and loving her, she never even said good bye. Demonized me to our children whom I truly love and attempted to wipe me out with super high powered divorce Attys. Ok, I know I shouldn't have written but truly I have Stockholm syndrome and I will always love my 30 years and my kids. I am going back to the NC and will attempt to adhere. I just miss them all so much.

[gia37]

 

I just had a 2-year "relationship" (that's being generous) end, and when it did, I thought I missed him. It really hurt. But after some space and some clarity, I recognized something very important. I did not miss HIM, per se (how could you -- general you -- miss someone who basically hated your guts? And he did hate my guts and wasn't even slightly subtle about it). What I missed was the tremendous amount of real estate that he was taking up in my head, all that time.

 

And it wasn't prime real estate by any means. Heck, it wasn't even good real estate. It was more like a hostile desert of real estate, with giant thorny cactuses growing every three feet.

 

BUT... the real issue was that, with the removal of him from my head, I was actually scared about how to fill that space going forward. It was easier to fill that space even with something very negative than it was for me to have to plant something else in that space -- to face issues that were more important but that I had been putting off.

 

Once you realize that, it's like being free. A dead weight is lifted.

 

YOU are not able to get her out of your head because you're scared. Because then what would you fill that space with? Then you would be forced to work on other issues that you have been pushing aside all these years.

 

John

QS writes pearls, but you continue repeating your old song... pls read his/her posts again and again, they are excellent! Just wanted to point that out.

[johngalt1149]

Yes they are "pearls". Doesn't make it easier though. Tomorrow makes 3 years separated, 3 months divorced. Just so mad, hurt, despondent.

[Quiet Storms]

Yes they are "pearls". Doesn't make it easier though. Tomorrow makes 3 years separated, 3 months divorced. Just so mad, hurt, despondent.

 

It appears you don't really want advice - and it is fine to just vent. It's helpful to know that, though, so posters don't waste time trying to offer it. Your first line in the quote above almost sounds sarcastic.

 

If you have noticed, most people have bowed out of posting to your thread. That's because at some point, there's really just nothing left to say.

 

No one said it would be easy. It seems you are looking for an easy, painless way to get through this, and there just isn't one. But you have to want to improve things; they aren't going to fix themselves.

 

You said in a past post, "There are a lot of women but none of them can compare to my 30 years." This is less about your ex-wife herself as a woman and more about your unwillingness to let go of your romanticized 30 years of marriage. I think it was gia37 who said that even 1 year of happiness is worth it. Thirty years of upheaval and dysfunction is not something to use as a standard for future goals.

 

I truly hope you move forward someday and find happiness. Best of luck to you.

[johngalt1149]

Thanks but it wasn't 30 years of being miserable. Only the last 5 years was terrible. Prior to that was the normal ups and downs but mostly ups. And yes this forum for me is a place to vent. Unfortunately advice of "fix yourself" falls aside. I think it is only time that will help. Today is 3 years since the debacle, 3 mos since divorce. I miss my family so much, I miss my wife so much.

[Majormisstep]

You'll know when you need to 'fix yourself'. You're not there yet John.

 

Mother's Day card...nope. H*ll I even went on bended knee 6 months ago and asked xH for something, anything, and although he cried (too), politely sent me on my way. No going back. The door is closed. I miss him too, every single day. But....

 

Tough love here: Your xW's lack of response to the card was the closed door John. Yes you miss it with every fibre of your being, but it's not coming back, certainly not in the way you want or need it to be. Time will heal.

[johngalt1149]

That lack of response has been for 3 years now. I want so much to text her...30 years of talking every day. Then GONE. Then divorce, not even goodbye. The kids, her. It just is inhuman. I miss them all so much and want to reach out..

Edited May 14, 2017 by johngalt1149

[testmeasure]

I had 9 great years and 1 horrible one. It's hard understand or integrate what happened. By the end, I felt shell shocked. But, I was able to recognize that lines were crossed and not ever want to go back. Had it been 30 years, with 5 bad, I can imagine that being much more difficult.

 

Having a liberal arts degree and a science degree, I always sort of thought of the liberal arts as sort of still in the dark ages. It turns out there is a lot of very useful information out there that could help. Look for information about "Cluster B" and "Codependency". Codependency isn't necessarily something you bring, going into a relationship. It can be shell shocked into you over the space of 30 years. It's a process that uses you against yourself, a theme Galt would be familiar with.

 

It's hard for me to be more specific about than that, but if you look into Cluster B, my bet is you will find something that clicks. There is enough here to see that something dysfunctional was going on. If you can find the concepts that explain and help you understand that dysfunction, you will understand why things didn't work out, and exactly how unhealthy and harmful it actually was.

 

There is also a wealth of information about parental alienation. There are books about dealing with toxic ex spouses and kids that are turned against you. My situation hasn't gotten bad that way, so I haven't read them thoroughly. But, I collected some just in case. From what I have looked at them, there are specific examples of ways to talk to the kids that validate them while getting them to examine their feelings and question their assumptions.

 

My ex started to go down the alienation path, but got stopped by the court and seems to have learned a lesson. We've got more than a decade to go before our daughter is 18 and I suspect she will just be more subtle about it, possibly without even realizing what she's doing. Looking into alienation has also helped me understand her as a person and what was dysfunctional. A lot of stuff that goes on with alienation reads like it's straight out of the cluster B play book.

 

On a different note, I've always been comfortable being alone. I've spent the vast majority of my adult life in long term (5+) year relationships and the 10 years with the one I married. But, as a kid and as an adult, I've never had a problem being completely alone. As someone who can do that, one of the things I've noticed is that not everyone can. After a 30 year relationship, figuring out your social needs and how best to fulfill them could be a long ongoing project.

[johngalt1149]

Gosh, probably one of the most direct and spot on replies I've gotten in the 2 weeks I've been on the site. The first therapist I went to had me read a lot on codependency. I will research the Cluster B. Never heard of it. The parental alienation has been going on for quite some time and the kids always took their Mums side since I was the dictator forcing them to go to school etc..etc. The carrot and stick approach was not one that my exw believed in as an English and socialist woman. Taking things away as a consequence was not an option for her and she explained that to the kids daily. Unfortunately other than a 2 -3 year period in between marriages I was always married and with company. I'm not happy alone and one of those "that can't", I guess. Ex agreed in the settlement to allow me kids time then refused to push it since my son at 17 didn't want the time. Daughter left to live with a bf at 18. They are now 18 and 19 and a tel call (first in a year to my daughter) was met with the answer...."they aren't my family" (mothers day with gran 85, gramp 86, uncles and aunts 99 and "I never really liked them". Parroting she gets from her Mom. I will sure take the time and research Cluster B and hope it helps alleviate this pain.

[johngalt1149]

Did a lot of research and I already knew I was a borderline Narcissist, I do not know if I qualify for the Cluster B or whether your reference is to me or the ex. Specifically using: Behavioral Science and the Law, “The Relationship Between DSM-IV Cluster B Personality Disorders and Psychopathy According to Hare’s Criteria: Clarification and Resolution of Previous Contradictions” examines the relationship between psychopathic personality traits as defined by the screening version of the PCL and Cluster B personality disorders. The authors of this study were careful to examine people who had only one cluster B disorder. They found psychopathy to be associated with all cluster B disorders.

There is a lot of talk about working on the "inner triangle". She's not antisocial, nor am I so neither of us seem to meet those tests.

 

Mothers Day, broke the NC. Texted Happy MD. She called an hour later but I did not pick up the tel because most likely it would denigrate to an argument or at the very least another panic attack. Kids never called grandma or aunt to say happy MD either as always. At least I had family to go to for the holiday. Keeps me sane (if I am).

[johngalt1149]

Hooray, Ex actually sent email today that said "thank you for the MD card". Yes of course I answered her.....I know that breaks the cortex of NC. But I'm trying, honestly. She didn't have to acknowledge the card.

[johngalt1149]

Just can't seem to keep NC. How does one do that? Emailed that I miss her after 30 years and miss talking. Asked her if she's happy. I don't expect an answer.

[SaveYourHeart]

Why do you write her if you don't expect an answer. Stop letting the crazy lady live inside your head and work on yourself. Saying you "can't" do something is ridiculous and you know it. If you actually intend to go no contact, you will. But you don't so you aren't really even trying at all.

 

I'm giving you my knee jerk reaction to what you've posted because while you came here to vent and to seek some sort of guidance or kinship with others in your boat, you continue to deny that you have a problem, have no intention of fixing your problems, and instead of listening to some of us who have been through it, you continue to keep contact with a woman who stole 30 years of your life, abused you, turned your children against you, and treated you like total crap. You want that back? Even if you got it back, it would never be the same. You're better off focusing on getting your head straight.

[johngalt1149]

Can't argue with you. You're right but I still want her back and she did tell me thank you for the MD card yesterday. Some part of me believes she'll come back or at least call after 30 years.

[GunslingerRoland]

Give your kids a little bit of patience and space. The teen years are tough(even the later ones when they are adults). Most likely they'll start to see all you have done for them, and the relationships will be repairable.

 

But the fact is like you said, they were growing up and moving out anyway. You want to go back to the family life you had, but it's gone. You can't put the genie back in the bottle. You're marriage is broken and ended and for good reason. Your children might not be perfect, but they've grown up all of the same, and hopefully they'll do fine in life.

 

You need to figure out what our future is rather than dwelling on the past. Going on a date every 2 days isn't going to change the fact that your life needs to evolve.

[johngalt1149]

I know what I need to do but implementing that is near impossible. I do live in the past as I want it back so badly. There was a time it was idyllic. The isolation is just maddening. Yes...I want it back. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't curse her, cry about her. About the kids. There isn't a day that I don't want to go to her home and attempt to talk to her and ask ..why? (she only lives about 2 miles away). Never even a goodbye after 30 years. Broken record I know. Doesn't make it any easier. I know feeling this way isn't rational, I know she hates me and will not answer. I don't think she's completely happy though or at least I hope so. Not even supposed to know where she lives, all sworn to secrecy and subterfuge. If she's not happy maybe I can winch myself back in there. Yes, I know it sounds stupid....just part of me still hopes to reconcile even though it was miserable in the end. I just can't seem to fathom how someone walks away after 30 years.

[johngalt1149]

Trying to keep the NC rule. Ex called many times during the week, I didn't answer. She called at 11P last night. I finally did answer. She stated, "I didn't expect you to answer so I'm really not ready to speak to you (WTF). But If I call you tomorrow, will you answer?" Of course the idiot in me that longs for her says Yes. Then this morning I get an email that says "Guess you don't want to talk that badly because you never pick up". She either doesn't remember calling or is just playing some terrible emotional warfare....Just don't understand and it is just so surreal.

[dishwater]

So how do you think she's doing? Is alcohol still ruling? And why should you care? Because she's a part of you no matter what happens in your future. She's at the very least the mother of your children, and at most a woman you committed your life to. Why should the 30 year learning curve be easy to shake? You would be very shallow if it could be. You are forged into the man you are from that 30 years. You'll never overcome it. Your heart must accept it. It's history never to be repeated and unique to you. Someone somewhere will truly understand your heart. Hang in there. You've made good friends in the 3 years. Sometimes a good friend is all you get. A good friend is worth far more than a 30 year life with an alcoholic. In that 30 years they would have enriched you, not dragged you into a gutter. Maybe you are not seeing their worth. This...from the daughter of an alcoholic. Please see people, not vapid or shallow because they lack a 30 year history. See people in all their individual glory, because most have depth, and also their own unique history.

[dishwater]

I know what I need to do but implementing that is near impossible. I do live in the past as I want it back so badly. There was a time it was idyllic. The isolation is just maddening. Yes...I want it back. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't curse her, cry about her. About the kids. There isn't a day that I don't want to go to her home and attempt to talk to her and ask ..why? (she only lives about 2 miles away). Never even a goodbye after 30 years. Broken record I know. Doesn't make it any easier. I know feeling this way isn't rational, I know she hates me and will not answer. I don't think she's completely happy though or at least I hope so. Not even supposed to know where she lives, all sworn to secrecy and subterfuge. If she's not happy maybe I can winch myself back in there. Yes, I know it sounds stupid....just part of me still hopes to reconcile even though it was miserable in the end. I just can't seem to fathom how someone walks away after 30 years.

No, No, and again NO!!! Let her go. Just continuation of misery if you go back. Look forward, not back. Put every communication and memory into a Poison & Skull bottle.

[dishwater]

Trying to keep the NC rule. Ex called many times during the week, I didn't answer. She called at 11P last night. I finally did answer. She stated, "I didn't expect you to answer so I'm really not ready to speak to you (WTF). But If I call you tomorrow, will you answer?" Of course the idiot in me that longs for her says Yes. Then this morning I get an email that says "Guess you don't want to talk that badly because you never pick up". She either doesn't remember calling or is just playing some terrible emotional warfare....Just don't understand and it is just so surreal.

You were a fool to answer the phone. Put her in the bottle.

[dishwater]

Hey 150 women doesn't mean a lot (3 dates a week). Had affairs with many. Maybe my standards are too high but no one can replace a 30 year memory. Still friends with most. 3 real relationships, 2 very intense. 1 still FWB, 2 still F. I'm a lucky guy but no longer a family man. That's what hurts. still miss the family.

You are living in the past. Stay there in your lonely idyll if it's so great. And let time pass til your old and worn. Time is not retrievable. Next year will you still be here?

[Just a Guy]

Hi John, sorry to see that you are here. You're wanting the past is not going to bring it back. Sadly, there are no rewind buttons to press in real life. What you have now is what you get and the sooner you reconcile with that the better for you. Life throws us all kinds of problems but it is only so that we learn from them. If you are a person who only believes in the material world you have set yourself up for disappointment. The material world can only give you so much comfort. It is like building your house in the sand. The first high seas that come along will wash away your house. All this angst that you are suffering from is the result of placing all your faith in the material world.

 

However, if instead of the material world you place your faith in the Spiritual World then you would have built your house on a rock. Nothing will be able to shake it. You will be rock steady and instead of your wife having devalued you, she would have valued you highly. Far from abandoning you she would have been drawn in closer. Everyone that comes into our lives is there for a purpose. A Grand Purpose. If you were spiritual, you would realize that your wife who is also spiritual, is there to provide a lesson for you. That lesson is meant for your spiritual self. By the process of learning lessons a soul sheds it's impurities and attains Nirvana. You may not realize it in the human domain but your spirit or soul is learning it's lesson in the spiritual domain. Of course you can dismiss all this as New Age mumbo jumbo but that is not going to lessen your pain of divorce from your wife. I would suggest you get a copy of the book by Dr. Eben Alexander who is a renowned neurosurgeon, who had an NDE and wrote about his experiences while in a seven day coma. His book is titled "Proof of Heaven". You can get it on Amazon. You have to learn to let go. Warm wishes.

Edited June 2, 2017 by Just a Guy