elaine567 Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Ok but your kids are adults now, they are capable of making their own decisions. They are capable of rational thought, so why are your kids not talking to YOU? What happened here so that they are taking their "alcoholic" mum and her "no good" bf's side instead of yours? 1
SaveYourHeart Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Ok darling, here's my advice: 1. Go get tested for stds 2. Go to al-anon and keep even if you're not feeling it. 3. Get a hobby that doesn't include random women. Right now, you need to help yourself. You need to repair all the tiny fragmented pieces of your heart and you need to do it without the distraction of women. Ft. Lauderdale has a huge issue homeless animals. Go walk a dog at your local shelter. It also has a pretty prominent horse community, find a therapy barn or just any old barn that gives adult lessons and invest yourself in something beneficial to your soul. Get counseling. Find a support group and stick with it. Find your passion. Women aren't your passion. So do something good for you instead of digging the knife back in the same old wound.
Author johngalt1149 Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 I don't mean to be flippant here but: No Stds here, waste of time. Most that query Stds are ignorant of actual statistics or contagion. Be careful of who you sleep with etc. Have a dog and help out already at local horse rescue (Homestead) even dated the curator, wonderful friend, met on match. Rescue dogs continually. Al anon is more for drug or alcohol abusers or their spouses, doesn't really work for me. Women aren't a hobby, they are company and usually nice. I'm blessed to be able to know them but they can't compare with 30 years with someone. Yet they are good for a bruised ego and nice to touch (lol). My kids I hope will come back but since I am vocal about how I feel about their Mum, they don't want to hear it and it is just so hard to not tell them how betrayed I feel. I keep hoping that they'll contact me and feel some sort of remorse but they are brainwashed by their mother. I keep hoping that their Mom will return to earth soon. I really trying for NC but it is just so hard and it's mothers day. Do I send roses again?
elaine567 Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 I don't mean to be flippant here but: No Stds here, waste of time. Most that query Stds are ignorant of actual statistics or contagion. Be careful of who you sleep with etc. Yeah, you can always tell just by looking... Sexually Transmitted Diseases Increasing Among Post 50s | HuffPost 1
SaveYourHeart Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 I know you have a dog, but volunteering is always helpful for me so I thought I'd throw it out there. Al-anon is for people who have been affected by an alcoholic. You have a qualifier, you should go. Most of the people in my group are separated from their alcoholics and are dealing with the lasting effects that the disease had on them. Really, you should give it a try. The way you speak about dating worries me, they sound more like a hobby or a toy. Something you play with a few times and then say, "meh, you were a nice toy, but you're nothing like the original". If that's the way you're going about dating, you're clearly not ready to be in the dating game. Not only are you (even if you don't recognize it) hurting yourself, but you're hurting these women and wasting their time. They're looking for forever, and you're treating them like another notch on your belt. Don't send flowers.
Author johngalt1149 Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 (edited) That's not what I meant. Anyone can catch anything, though I don't know anyone that has. I meant it's overblown just like marijuana or Cuba being terrible. Spin news. I don't treat women as a notch and I don't really care if sex is involved or not to be honest (though sometimes it's very nice). I treat women like the goddesses they should be treated like which I guess is why I've been lucky enough to make some friends. Maybe I'll consider the Al anon bit. Insight please as to why not send flowers again? It's my ex of 30 years and the mother of my children. At the least I intimidate the BF that lives there because he can't afford what I send (5-10 dozen) and maybe it might get a smile? I do miss the family so much and am trying my best at NC but it just hurts. PS: Quit reading Huffington, she hasn't printed real news in years. Edited May 8, 2017 by johngalt1149
SaveYourHeart Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Don't send flowers because you've let the crazy woman live inside your head for 30 years and you need to work on yourself right now and figuring out how to move on and live a happy life without her. Sending flowers and then hoping that she'll call or text or whatever is damaging to you emotionally. If you don't want to take anyone's advice here, I'm not sure why you came. Not to sound crass, but some of the advice here has been excellent and you've written it off like you know better. Some of us have lived through the hellfire of alcoholism and divorce. We're just trying to help. 1
Author johngalt1149 Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 I think I need to stop "train wrecking" on Huff Po....because I don't even click on the articles based on the ridiculous headlines. Either way, their strategy is to either entice or tick consumers off enough to CLICK on their articles. Please don't fall for it and give them $$$. The best way to rid of this ridiculous, ignorant way... read more naturalnews.com/2017-03-06-huffington-post-caught-removing-positive-reviews-of-... Mar 6, 2017 - (Natural News) It seems that the Huffington Post has continued to block or censor articles that don't align perfectly with the media outlet's views ... PrincetonPartners.co.uk Huffington Post Scam Alert - Complaints Board https://www.complaintsboard.com/.../princetonpartnerscouk-huffington-post-scam-ale... Consumer complaints and reviews about PrincetonPartners.co.uk Huffington Post Scam Alert. PrincetonPartners.co.uk Princeton-Partners.com Bank Wire Fraud.
Author johngalt1149 Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 Truly, I don't know better or I would be over it by now, which is why I'm here and venting helps. You're correct about the flowers in that I hoped that it would get a response. The last time I sent them the response was they were dead and the flower company resent another batch which elicited no response. It's amazing how much I've spent on flowers during the divorce proceeding and after. I know it doesn't work but at least it makes her think of me. I am not ignoring the advice. I've never lived thru the hellfire and my first divorce after 30 years, we are all best friends. The first never cared for my second though, thought she was conceited because of her English upbringing and wealthy friends. Wifes' cousin was a Mia Dolphins cheerleader who married ultra wealthy and always took the time to demean me as I was self made. I'm not ignoring the advice but I do not like being alone and in my mind I'll never find anyone if I don't go thru the meat market. PS: Thanks all for the help, if I haven't made it clear. I am lost and confused. I still love my wife and family, I think. 1
SaveYourHeart Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 There ya go! Honesty about your feelings is what's really going to help you. I feel like you're trying to find a substitute for her love, and it's just hurting you worse. My cousin was a Eagles cheerleader, so we have something in common lol. You're going to be fine. Just be gentle on yourself and try to do things that help you discover who you are as a single person, not as a couple. I think you'll find a lot of happiness in being able to rediscover who you are and what you love. I know I keep trying to push al-anon but seriously, it's saved my life - the special thing about those rooms is that when you sit and you listen, you hear the honest to God, dirty, painful, sometimes mean, TRUTH. It's refreshing in it's own way. <3 Prayers for you John, you can only go up from here.
harrybrown Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 you are in love with a fantasy that does not exist. your ex is not the woman you think she is and the ladies that you are playing with are so much more than your ex. Your ex is a cheater and also took your kids away. Not a good mom either. hope you wake up soon.
Author johngalt1149 Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 I'll look into Al Anon. Yeah, wake up from this nightmare is what I'd like to do. Just never thought at 59 I'd be alone without the family. The other women are an ego boost. I'm blessed to know them in whatever way I do. It's so hard to just move on although everyone says I have to do it. Where I live is great with a lot of activities and I consider myself very lucky to be able to enjoy it albeit not alone. We have weather, water, theatre, galleries, dining and museums, islands close by that people actually pay for vacation to see. Been here 40 years but not alone and it is just so hard to deal with. I just have a problem with the NC as I want her to remember what we had which is better than what she has now (at least I think so since I haven't been able to talk to anyone for quite some time).. It is so hard to understand the total betrayal of the ex and kids and I truly miss them. 30 years is not just a number it is in excess of half my life. My kids lives are basically ruined now and I can't help. If I say white she says black and they defend their Mum. It's just so wrong. Sorry, enough whining. Just mothers day is this week, which marks my 3rd year after leaving although divorce is recent. 1
SaveYourHeart Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 It's healthy to get your frustrations out, so don't apologize for it, we've all been there where we just needed someone to vent to.
Author johngalt1149 Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 (edited) Been doing the NC and ex calls a moment ago, haven't spoken in months but have emailed until last Tuesday when I joined this site and took it's advice.. I don't pick up. Immediately have panic attack and shake involuntarily. I miss her so much. It is just so screwed up. I want so much to answer to tell her again I love her and miss the family. Yet I know it will be met with derision. I'm sure it's over my sons college. She wants me to just give a kid 20K for anything that withdrew from school at 15 (she withdrew him unilaterally), a kid that never finished anything.. Karate, football, soccer, baseball and stayed in his room for 2 years clinically depressed. I'd give him enough for one course to see if he'll complete it and then do anything he wants but she just wants me to hand the money to him, no strings. But as far as she's concerned I'm a deadbeat Dad who won't pay for my sons Trade school. Edited May 8, 2017 by johngalt1149 2
WorstFeelingEver Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 You have not mention anything about seeing a counselor or therapist. You seem to have a lot of time on your hands as you date a lot of women & post at different hours of the day. You should reach out to a counselor or therapist. I know you have 30 years in your relationship, but sounds like some of your marriage, W has been putting you through crap, (you saying police have been at your house constantly, you split & left your home for a while, daughter attempted suicide, etc...). Why do you want W back so badly? She will not change (unless she goes to AA or therapy). You need to stop devoting your time on dates with women & reach out to your children either email or snail mail them. They will read what you send them (in time). You sound like you miss your kids more then then the W. Maybe your kids will realize what they have been missing and start to communicate with their dad again. Good luck.
Author johngalt1149 Posted May 9, 2017 Author Posted May 9, 2017 Did see therapist but to no avail and a waste of time. Sent snail mail to my son. Do not have daughters address. I don't have that much time but am in front of laptops all the time so I can multitask and hours are my own. I hope you're right about the kids, so far though nothing. I miss them all terribly. To the moment ex has called 5 times in the last 3 hours but NC. If it was impt she would have left a VM or text.
whatnot Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 I don't pick up. Immediately have panic attack and shake involuntarily. I miss her so much. It is just so screwed up. I want so much to answer to tell her again I love her and miss the family.Bud...the involuntary shaking and panic attack ain't because you love her and miss her. You've go a few more emotions going on than just love, longing, yearning, missing.... ...and it's smart of you to not put them all on the internet
Author johngalt1149 Posted May 9, 2017 Author Posted May 9, 2017 In this case internet is fairly anonymous but I am unsure of what you mean. The shaking and panic attacks started in separation and continued thru divorce court even when we still met. 1
whatnot Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 That would happen to me as the end drew near. Speaking with her terrified me. The fear was warranted. The moment before acid is poured into an open wound is terrifying.
Author johngalt1149 Posted May 9, 2017 Author Posted May 9, 2017 I never thought of it as fear. More like angst. Divorce was 3 months ago but some part of me still believes 30 years will win out. It is unrational for me to hope, but it is unrational for her to have made these choices. She was much better off with me and the kids are realizing she is an alcoholic though they can't remember when we were all happy. My daughter told me a year or so ago that mom would rather live under a bridge then be with me. I was too strict with them all because I wanted to teach them consequences and mom didn't agree so a fight would always ensue.
gia37 Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 Gosh it's a really painful situation. You have a chance to heal only if you accept that your marriage to this woman is over. You can send her tons of flowers, but she won't take you back. Contact child care services and say that you need to communicate with your kids. Build yourself a new nice home (with someone else) and your kids will come and visit you or even live with you. As long as you try to go back to your old home they won't accept you, bc even they know it's over.
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 Contact child care services and say that you need to communicate with your kids. Are child care services interested in 18 and 19 yos?
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 She was much better off with me and the kids are realizing she is an alcoholic though they can't remember when we were all happy. My daughter told me a year or so ago that mom would rather live under a bridge then be with me. I was too strict with them all because I wanted to teach them consequences and mom didn't agree so a fight would always ensue. Problem you have is that what you think, and what they think are two different things. How you saw the marriage and how your wife and grown up children see the marriage are not the same. Maybe you need to stop crashing about like a bull in a china shop and take time to reflect and try to understand the dynamics of your marriage and why your wife acted like she did. Why has she turned to alcohol? People often self-medicate with alcohol. What was happening in your wife's life to cause her to seek solace in a bottle? 1
gia37 Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 Are child care services interested in 18 and 19 yos? Or social services then? If his daughter attempted suicide and they dropped out of school and the situation with their mother is as bad as he describes they might. In Europe maybe not but in USA (if he lives there) kids become adult later haha.
Author johngalt1149 Posted May 9, 2017 Author Posted May 9, 2017 (edited) Child services doesn't bother with 18 and 19 yr olds. Didn't bother at 15 and 16 either. Would have to be there at night when drinking. Wife drank from day 1 just got worse as we progressed. Wife was depressed. Parents died, fell and fractured skull, problematic kids, problematic husband (me) who wasn't sympathetic to her plight and tied up in his own life issues of litigation. Bull in China shop isn't the analogy I'd pick though I did a lot I regret, ultra expensive divorce litigation does that. I forced the kids to go to school, she didn't like that. I took my 16 yr olds car away when after getting her license and having it 3 months she got a ticket at 100 miles an hour, she didn't like that. I took the cells away after finding out the kids were skipping school for months, she didn't like that. I was the dictator, she was the friend. That she liked, I was to blame for the unraveling of the family. It's just so irrational. Edited May 9, 2017 by johngalt1149
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