Magically reappearing ex girlfriend!

[Doran]

One thing to remember, your ex is not reliable. She dumped you and your child once, she could do it again. It is one thing to love someone; it is another thing to be able to trust them again. There is no rational reason why you should trust her again.

 

Right! I remember! And I don't trust her. There's fleeting moments when I feel comfortable, when it feels just like it was before. But ultimately, I feel like i can't trust the fact she's going to be here tomorrow.

Which is at complete odds with loving someone so its a weird feeling.

 

My girlfriend is everything, i trust her, despite what I've been through with my ex! And i love her!

And im doing her a HUGE disservice by even thinking about my ex like that because i shouldnt be!! It makes no logical sense!

[spiderowl]

I know I referred to logic as a reminder of something but I completely sympathise with where you are at. Feelings are not logical: if they were, we would not be agonising over relationships and especially exs.

[Doran]

I know I referred to logic as a reminder of something but I completely sympathise with where you are at. Feelings are not logical: if they were, we would not be agonising over relationships and especially exs.

Thank you!

Ah I know, wish that they were!!! I feel like an fool for feeling the way I do, but that doesn't make me feel it any less. The whole thing just sucks!

It's ironic that I spent so many hours and days back when she first left wishing that she'd walk back through the door, and now she las I feel like my life's stalling sort all over again!!

It just never stops does it!

[MrDuck]

I wish I was anywhere close to having made my bloody mind up on anything, anything at all.

I don't have a clue what I'm doing.

You're right though my girlfriend is the far and away more rational choice, and you're right, i am smitten

I honestly feel for you man!

 

 

I dunno, i think shes in a better place now, well she thinks she is anyway.

But whatever, be that as it may, like that all sounds awful! I dont want to co parent my son. I'm his parent, I don't want to be some part time parent! Thats BS!

Up till now i've only let her see him a few times, and i've been there throughout, and i don't feel like i've softened on that at all! I don't see any reason i should have my son less, because shes decided to walk back in!

Have you spoken to your ex about this? About how you feel about co-parenting and how you guys are going to progress forward with this aspect of your lives?

[Flowerchildfala]

There's a great possibility that you are still feeling in love with your ex because she left and came back. There's a lot to be desired in that.

 

However, not only did she abandon you, but she abandoned her own child. That's disgustingly selfish and cruel. She stranded you, who's to say she wouldn't do it again?

 

This new girl seems to be very special to you. I suggest you use common sense on this one and stay with the girl that loves you and acts like an adult when problems arise. You need to think about your son here too.

 

Sure, your ex can be around in your sons life. But that doesn't mean she can walk back into a relationship with you.

 

I totally agree with this! Firstly she left you and your baby boy! What does that say about how much she loves you? Coming from a female I have never left someone if I loved them. I try to sort out the issues are and if I'm 110% sure we are better off seperating, then and only then I would leave. The fact that she just left with nothing is a big red flag. If she can leave you that easily then she will do it again the future. If you take her back then it's saying to her that what she did is ok. It's not ok to act like that as a partner and never ok to do that as a mother. She seems immature and needs some tough love to grow up. She left you with the responsibility of your child and business and the day to day running of eveything. That's immature and childish behaviour.

 

I have a feeling that maybe someone else was involved and when she realised the grass wasn't greener she came back.

 

Your current girlfriend seems like an amzing girl to come in and take your son as her own and love you both. She has stood by your side. Please think with your head and not your heart. You still love your ex and probably will the rest of your life. It's hard letting go of someone when they just leave you with no warning. But think who has been by your side, who has been loyal, who has loved you?

 

It's nice when an ex comes back and wants a second chance but they really need to prove to you that the same problems won't happen again and only then can you let them in. They always come back when you are in a new relationship, maybe because seeing the dumped with someone else suddenly makes us look more attractive to them and they want what they cannt have or maybe they want to know that you still love them even though you now have someone else in your life. I would shut the door in her face and be civil regarding your son but you don't owe her anything, she had her chance and she chose to let you go. Theirs consequences for her actions. She cannt just chose to come and go in your life as she feels. People like this will keep doing it and only think of themselves. She ripped your heart out and destroyed your family. You seem like a really nice wonderful guy but she screwed up majorly and you deserve better then your ex.

[Tribble]

I can't even imagine how you are feeling. You sound like a great guy and you don't deserve this. Throw in the more innocent parties of your gf and son and it's an almighty mess!

 

Of course you're confused. How could you not be?? She was your first love, the mother of your child and she's sick so we give her some concessions. But none of that erases what she did. She ruined your relationship and your life and there is no way to erase that. If you go back there, you will live in fear of what she will do.

 

I understand your need for answers and having to figure out what to do with your son. But you have all the answers you are ever going to get. You need to stop talking with your ex, stop spending time together, laughing and visiting past memories. It's over. You need to deal with practical, not emotional matters. Your son. Personally, I would be very, very careful. Does your son know who she is now? You shouldn't leave her alone with him, possibly ever. She's already demonstrated she can up and leave. What if she does this again but this time takes him with her??

 

First up, you should tell your ex there is no chance. I know it must be hard but there isn't a chance for this to work out. You're feeling nostalgic and hopeful, that your family can be together again. But it can't and you know this. The next thing is to tell her you will only discuss matters regarding your son with her. Then go from there. Find out what she wants and figure out the best arrangement for your son. This is the only contact you have with her.

 

For your gf, it must be dreadful. Whether or not you carry on there is up to you. If she leaves, which she may because of all the drama, do not go back to the ex. Being alone is better!

 

I don't know whether you'll heed my advise but I hope you do! My best wishes to you and good luck, it's going to be tough.

[BryanSmiley]

What a situation OP, and what a situation your ex has put you in. Not were you put into a situation where you lost your loved one, partner, but you've had to raise your child for the both of you.

 

Now just when your moving on, she walks back into your lives and you have to make a decision on accepting her back or staying with your current girl friend. That impacts obviously your life, but also your childs, the ex, and current GF. That's a heck of a lot of pressure to put onto one person. Does she even recognise all of that? If she doesn't then that's still a very deluded, selfish lady right there sadly.

 

The added pressure is to give her another shot because she is the mother of your child. There might be thoughts of should I give her the chance for his sake as-well. But do you owe her that?

 

I think 9 months is significant and this current GF seems committed, invested, stable. Stand by her. She's done nothing to suggest there isn't a stable future ahead whereas your ex has. You'll always have the nagging feeling of..if she's capable once she could do it again.

 

She should want to be a mother again first and foremost. She has bridges to build there. Keep with your GF and try to keep some boundaries I'd say. It'll become clearer over time, in-fact by your choosing your GF, your ex's behaviour might then make even clearer to you how much forgiveness she deserves.

[Timshel]

Thank you!

Ah I know, wish that they were!!! I feel like an fool for feeling the way I do, but that doesn't make me feel it any less. The whole thing just sucks!

It's ironic that I spent so many hours and days back when she first left wishing that she'd walk back through the door, and now she las I feel like my life's stalling sort all over again!!

It just never stops does it!

 

You may have done this already but if not...stop stressing as it is evident that you already know what you want. You are only struggling with the guilt.

The honorable thing to do is to break things off with your current gf. Definitely do that and I don't need to tell you to protect your son.

 

Good luck.

[BryanSmiley]

You may have done this already but if not...stop stressing as it is evident that you already know what you want. You are only struggling with the guilt.

The honorable thing to do is to break things off with your current gf. Definitely do that and I don't need to tell you to protect your son.

 

Good luck.

 

That's really irresponsible advice. You don't have the right to tell some stranger to "definitely" break up with his gf of nearly a year. You don't know all the intricacies just words on a screen. Advise, give opinions, but don't tell a stranger your certain what's right in his unique situation.

 

It's normal to still hold strong and confusing feelings about an ex of so many years and mother of his child, who just reappeared. It'd rattle anyone. No need to immediately bail on what he's built for 9 months with someone. Let him decide.

 

This partner has been stable and loving. Chuck her away abruptly and he could easily then not work it out with the mum, be in turmoil, and be in a bad place for his kid.

Edited May 12, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[Timshel]

BryanSmiley, not advice....the OP had his mind made up before he made the thread. He was trying to figure out how his own conscience could reconcile.

 

He can, but should not have both; no woman in her right mind will make love with a man who is thinking about another woman.

If the OP is still around, do the right thing and let your gf go.

[Doran]

Reply time...

 

@FlowerChildfala @Tribble @BryanSmiley @Timshel

Thanks guys. I've read everything you've written, it's definitely made me think.

 

I guess there's another part of this, a part I haven't really written (or spoken, ever!). You have to understand I was so young, we both were, I was naive, more so that I could ever have realised at the time. But I knew, deep down, I knew that some of her behaviour wasn't normal, the she was always life of the party, she lit up every room, she drew people to her, but there were other times, times she would just shut down, from everything, everything, times no one else ever saw. I knew it, but i thought we were okay, I thought everyone had issues, our relationship was always so good, always, despite her mood, that i thought we were okay. I think maybe, even if i don't like to admit it that the signs for post natal depression were all there too, I think maybe i saw it but I just didn't recognise it......

When I walked in that day she left and i saw the envelope with my name in her writing... my chest went tight and I don't think I breathed I can remember that feeling to this day. I shouldn't have felt like that, we'd danced in the kitchen that morning and she'd kissed me in the driveway, I should have thought it was a surprise date night, a grocery list, anything but what it was! But I didn't. I knew it was bad. Genuinely? I was scared *****less it was a suicide note. Which can only tell you however much I didnt want to see it, couldnt see it, deep down I knew she was struggling.

She made her own choice! Im certainly not the guilty party! I don't believe that for a second. But had i been the man that I am now, I would of confronted it, I would of asked for help.

So I guess what I'm saying is... It was out of the blue, it did shock me, and i never saw it coming. But at the same time, like when she walks in now and tells me they've diagnosed her bipolar and they've given her meds and etc etc ...like that all makes sense to me. I don't doubt it to be true, I dont doubt her reasons for leaving - I DONT AGREE WITH THEM! But i don't doubt that they are the truth as she saw it.

That's why I've never, not even in all the time she was gone, wondered about other men, never doubted our relationship. In a way, thats almost made it harder.

 

Your current girlfriend seems like an amzing girl to come in and take your son as her own and love you both. She has stood by your side. Please think with your head and not your heart. You still love your ex and probably will the rest of your life. It's hard letting go of someone when they just leave you with no warning. But think who has been by your side, who has been loyal, who has loved you?

She is! She's been amazing! And I feel secure with her, I feel like we could build this whole life together. And its a nice feeling! It's what i've always wanted.

 

I can't even imagine how you are feeling. You sound like a great guy and you don't deserve this. Throw in the more innocent parties of your gf and son and it's an almighty mess!

Ahhh almighty mess x100. Its honestly stressing me out, like real mental stress.

 

Of course you're confused. How could you not be?? She was your first love, the mother of your child and she's sick so we give her some concessions. But none of that erases what she did. She ruined your relationship and your life and there is no way to erase that. If you go back there, you will live in fear of what she will do.

You're right, with every word, you're right. And I know! I know it! But I don't know how to do this, i don't know how to turn the feelings off. I never thought i'd get in this kind of situation.

 

You need to stop talking with your ex, stop spending time together, laughing and visiting past memories. It's over. You need to deal with practical, not emotional matters.

This is a great point because i am finding it really really hard to draw a line, every time i see her i just fall back in.

I feel stupid. I feel like a two timing lowlife an all. But its true. I smile when i see her name on my phone, even if it just confirming a time/place.

Does your son know who she is now? You shouldn't leave her alone with him, possibly ever.

He does, i've always been as open as is possible while keeping his age in mind. And no fear, i dont intend on leabing him with her!

 

For your gf, it must be dreadful. Whether or not you carry on there is up to you. If she leaves, which she may because of all the drama, do not go back to the ex. Being alone is better!

It p!sses me off to the max that i could find my life it tatters again! I only ever wanted to be a family man!

 

Now just when your moving on, she walks back into your lives and you have to make a decision on accepting her back or staying with your current girl friend. That impacts obviously your life, but also your childs, the ex, and current GF. That's a heck of a lot of pressure to put onto one person.

EXACTLY!!! Exactly! And i feel a bit like i can't see the light. I feel like a guy can onl handle so much eh? I feel like im being pulled in 10 million different directions and I'm at the centre of all this, Im playing with peoples lives and my own and I dont want to be here, im sick of that! Its honestly weighing on me heavy!

Does she even recognise all of that? If she doesn't then that's still a very deluded, selfish lady right there sadly.

Yeah, i mean, shes the only person ive really said a lot of this too, i cant talk to my gf, how can i tell her how torn up i feel!

She says she's sorry, a lot.

 

The added pressure is to give her another shot because she is the mother of your child. There might be thoughts of should I give her the chance for his sake as-well. But do you owe her that?

 

I think 9 months is significant and this current GF seems committed, invested, stable. Stand by her. She's done nothing to suggest there isn't a stable future ahead whereas your ex has. You'll always have the nagging feeling of..if she's capable once she could do it again.

 

She should want to be a mother again first and foremost. She has bridges to build there. Keep with your GF and try to keep some boundaries I'd say. It'll become clearer over time, in-fact by your choosing your GF, your ex's behaviour might then make even clearer to you how much forgiveness she deserves.

Thanks man!

 

You may have done this already but if not...stop stressing as it is evident that you already know what you want. You are only struggling with the guilt.

The honourable thing to do is to break things off with your current gf. Definitely do that and I don't need to tell you to protect your son.

You're wrong, i wish i was anywhere close to knowing what it is i want. I know I love my ex, not just in my head, i love her. And i know i shouldn't because I'm in a new committed relationship and i love my gf.

Theres lots of things i want, but they all seem to be in contrast with each other!

I love my ex, she is probably the love of my life.. but is that enough this time?

I want a family, I want a wife, kids, a dog, camping holidays, and bedtime stories, BBQ's on the beach and someone to cuddle when I go to bed. That's a future I can see for me and my gf! I can see it! But when im having feelings of this strength for another girl, i feel like a total sleaze, and thats never been me!!

[preraph]

^ You're not going to get that from your ex. She's going to be more a child you have to deal with. She's high maintenance. And undependable in the extreme.

[spiderowl]

What are these strong feelings you are having for your ex? Can you describe them and how they differ from those for your girlfriend? I am wondering if pinning them down more will help to clarify?

[Doran]

^ You're not going to get that from your ex. She's going to be more a child you have to deal with. She's high maintenance. And undependable in the extreme.

It's funny you say that because when me and my gf got together everyone used to joke about how I'm veryy laid back, and she was comparatively high maintenance - not in the sense that shes materialistic, or uptight or anything, but she is quite a perfectionist, she'll scold me for putting the cereal back in the wrong cupboard, or leaving the washing up or whatever. It always makes me chuckle.

So I guess, maybe I do go for 'high maintenance' in a sense! Which is something I'd never thought about!

 

My ex had a very difficult childhood, there was domestic abuse in her parents relationship and a lot of chaos and tragedy. I always kind of thought that was what effected her, that was why sometimes she was sad, but bipolar makes more sense now to be honest.

 

You're right though! She's undependable! I love her but how can you build something with someone who could walk away any minute? You can't!

 

 

 

What are these strong feelings you are having for your ex? Can you describe them and how they differ from those for your girlfriend? I am wondering if pinning them down more will help to clarify?

Oh Jesus, I'm so terrible with words, I don't know how to make them match what it is that i feel....

 

I love my girlfriend, in every sense on the word i love her, I care about her, to make her happy makes me happy, I massively enjoy her company, I want to be with her, i see a future together, the future that I've always wanted! And i fancy her, damn straight!

 

MY ex.... so many feelings - i mean im angry at her, i do still feel that. I still grieve the life we lost as well, i feel sad about that. And then theres this whole other lot of feelings...

Everytime she says my name its like an electric current through my body, like a crush that never went away, this has always been true, through all the years we were together, and even now, I can't get enough of hearing my name out of her mouth! Even when she used to write something down for me in her handwriting, it could be a idea or an appointment or anything, it felt like a love letter or something. This is something that i've never vocalised, not to her not to anyone, cause it sounds silly, but its the truth. I didnt expect to still feel that now, but i do, from the very first time she walked back through the door.

I've always felt like theres something between us, something so strong, like a thread like something that always pulled us together. I always so secure in our relationship (haha) because of that connection, and its ironic because now i dont want it to be there but it still is. I feel like everytime she looks me in the eye she doest see the guy that i show the world or the words im speaking, she seems 'bam' straight through, like x-ray vision - i can't lie to her, i can't even tweak the truth, she always sees the truth.

I guessss maybe thats how it differs from my relationship with my gf, i guess my relationship with my ex has always been more intense. And im not even an intense guy, I'm very laid back, i'm very chilled.... but she always just brought this something else out in me..

 

I'm someone who likes to build things, and protect that. I like to build a home, build a garden, build a boat, build a business, build a family. And with my girlfriend I feel like, she's a real partner in all of that! She's my number one employee, shes helped me build my business, she helps me with my son, she wants to build the same things I do. Its a great thing about our relationship!

My ex is much more....abstract. But when im with her i feel like my world could come crashing down around me and I wouldn't care, she's all I need!

And once that was true, but times move on, and i've built a life without her, i've done well, and although I still feel that way everytime she laughs, everytime she touches me... all these things ive built have become important to me too! Because its all i had when she walked out!!

 

Me and my girlfriend are both very black & white, logical thinkers and its why we get on so well, why we understand each other so well. My ex has a different way of thinking about things, sometimes its sheer brilliance, and sometimes - evidently - its too her own detriment!

I'm a guy who likes predictable and yet she was always so so unpredictable, i never knew where we were going to end up, we'd go out for a pub lunch and end up in Paris! And I didnt mind, life was an adventure and I loved her for it! ...But now, i'm highly reluctant to let her shake my life up like that again because, why should I let her! She changed me, she changed my life, and then she left. I dunno, I just dunno! I don't know what else to say really, i dunno how to make it make sense to when it doesn't make sense to me, i feel this pull to her, this connection that runs deeper than anything i've ever felt with anyone but I don't know if I want that anymore, thats whats so confusing, i just dont know

[spiderowl]

It's a very good description of how you feel and I think you've done well to put it into words. I can see how your ex appears to cut through all the logical and calm feelings. It is an enormous challenge for you to work through this. Your girlfriend and ex seem to be very different personalities - one is good for you; the other adventurous and wild and probably not good for you.

 

I know exactly what you mean about the string. I am suffering from that too. It is incredibly powerful. I don't know know what you do about it. I do know that following that string (for me anyway) is only likely to lead to more heartache.

 

I would imagine this is not very helpful Good luck in figuring it all out! xx

[preraph]

It's funny you say that because when me and my gf got together everyone used to joke about how I'm veryy laid back, and she was comparatively high maintenance - not in the sense that shes materialistic, or uptight or anything, but she is quite a perfectionist, she'll scold me for putting the cereal back in the wrong cupboard, or leaving the washing up or whatever. It always makes me chuckle.

So I guess, maybe I do go for 'high maintenance' in a sense! Which is something I'd never thought about!

 

My ex had a very difficult childhood, there was domestic abuse in her parents relationship and a lot of chaos and tragedy. I always kind of thought that was what effected her, that was why sometimes she was sad, but bipolar makes more sense now to be honest.

 

You're right though! She's undependable! I love her but how can you build something with someone who could walk away any minute? You can't!

 

Just realize that this stuff from her childhood runs deep. These were her role models. This is who she learned how to be in a relationship from. And it's hard-wired from childhood, plus she has the other diagnoses. Expecting her to be able to transform into someone who can be a calm sensible nurturing mother and wife would be as far-fetched as asking you to transform into someone who could be an abusive, chaotic, irresponsible husband and father.

 

I'd be happy if you could just set aside your own feelings for her and take a rational look at it and do what's best for the children, who would be the children's best role model.

[Doran]

It's a very good description of how you feel and I think you've done well to put it into words. I can see how your ex appears to cut through all the logical and calm feelings. It is an enormous challenge for you to work through this. Your girlfriend and ex seem to be very different personalities - one is good for you; the other adventurous and wild and probably not good for you.

 

I know exactly what you mean about the string. I am suffering from that too. It is incredibly powerful. I don't know know what you do about it. I do know that following that string (for me anyway) is only likely to lead to more heartache.

 

I would imagine this is not very helpful Good luck in figuring it all out! xx

Thank you! Yeah, i just feel like it's lose lose, theres nothing I can do that isnt going to hurt. Its exhausting!

I'm really sorry that you're in that situation! Its hard when your head and heart arent on the same page!

 

Just realize that this stuff from her childhood runs deep. These were her role models. This is who she learned how to be in a relationship from. And it's hard-wired from childhood, plus she has the other diagnoses. Expecting her to be able to transform into someone who can be a calm sensible nurturing mother and wife would be as far-fetched as asking you to transform into someone who could be an abusive, chaotic, irresponsible husband and father.

Ah I know, it's not something you can just stick a band aid over. I see that now in a way that I couldnt see it back then!

[Timshel]

Thank you! Yeah, i just feel like it's lose lose, theres nothing I can do that isnt going to hurt. Its exhausting!

I'm really sorry that you're in that situation! Its hard when your head and heart arent on the same page!

 

Well, it shouldn't be, exhausting mate. That's my point. Of course you'll say I'm wrong again and proceed with a litany of reasons why you can't choose.

 

But aye! Ye must lad.

[Doran]

It kinda helps a bit to get it all out, so...

 

I saw my ex, she came to see our son. We talked after, she said something, I actually can't even remember what set it off, but we had quite an honest chat, and I, i actually got quite upset (which is crazy! All those years we were together and I never cried once and now shes seen me cry twice since she been back!). It's just everything is getting on top of me, i feel under so much pressure all of the time, split in so many directions.

 

She basically said to me like of course I'm confused because Im trying to be everything to everyone, make myself happy while making everyone else happy, and it's not possible.

She said along the lines of "you are such a selfless guy, but you need to decide what it is that you want! You shouldn't feel like you have to be everything to everyone because you don't! You don't have to protect me, not anymore, I'm a big girl now - I can handle life! You don't have to protect [my current gf] either, I know how amazing you are, no one understands that more than me, but life goes on for all of us, she would get over you, eventually *rib nudge*. And [my son] will be happy as long as his dads happy!! You're making yourself permanently life long responsible for so many other peoples happiness, so of course it's tearing you up!! All you need to decide is what makes you happy, what you want, and i promise that everything else will come out in the wash" (which is something that my nan always says)

 

I said I don't know what I want, I don't understand how I feel!

 

And she was like "Well then why are you rushing? I'm not going anywhere, not this time, and god knows i left you waiting. Just relax and stop panicking yourself into something."

 

She also told me that shes totally terrified to see my mum again because she thinks she'll tear her to shreds!

 

She's right (about me and my mum)! I am panicking.... but i can't help, i cant abide feeling like i might be stringing anyone along! Not just for the sake of others but for my own moral compass! I'm not digging the guy in the mirror right now, and thats something else im struggling with. :(

[Doran]

Well, it shouldn't be, exhausting mate. That's my point. Of course you'll say I'm wrong again and proceed with a litany of reasons why you can't choose.

I don't follow though? ...Why should it not be? How can it not be? ..Tell me how because I want it over!!!

 

But aye! Ye must lad.

I know

[Timshel]

Doran, your heart is torn. Take some time from your gf. Yes this does involve risking losing her.

 

If your gf read this thread, she would make the decision for you.

 

I'm sorry that your heart is torn but it should not be. Your ex is the mother of your son. If you are feeling like you can't wait to have her back, then do so.

 

Who ever told you that the bridge to redemption was some easy thing? You are a man who has cared for his son when his mother abandoned him. You are a good man who seems lost.

 

You are not lost though. Find your way.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Reading this thread I don't get the sense that you truly believe your ex would be a bad choice, which is disturbing. Mental health issues and a dysfunctional childhood are no excuse for her behaivior. If anything, these are just more red flags that should make you realize you should stay away from her.

 

Believe me, I understand how deep these feelings can run. Childhood sweethearts, compounded by the fact that she's your kids mom, and she left and reappeared- of course the feelings are going to be strong. Imo, these feelings are often not even primarily about the ex. Your youth, your first love, your first child- these are powerful memories. You shared so much with your her and will always have a powerful connection. But anyone else could have had that role. Your feelings are based on your shared history, not about the person she is, the woman who abandoned your son.

 

And the feelings don't mean she's the right person for you. At some point continuing to focus the feelings on her and entertain them is a choice. Continuing to talk to her, get reacquainted on a personal level- these are all choices to feed the feelings and open the door for a possible reconciliation in the future.

 

The better life decision is to shut that door now. She has already proven herself to be a bad partner and a bad wife. Furthermore she is unreliable and unpredictable at her core. Despite this, you seem to believe she deserves a second chance to be part of your family. Why is that? Are you a glutton for punishment? Do you think your son needs more chaos?

 

Feelings are what they are but behaivior is a choice. And that includes indulging your feelings. The decision here is not about whether or not you have strong feelings for her- of course you do- but whether you believe there is an opportunity for reconciliation.

 

If not, it's time to man up and stop letting yourself go there. Cut off the personal conversations. She can be involved with your son without having a personal relationship with you. Recognize that she is a cancer in your life and cut her out. Dont let yourself get excited when she calls. Do 10 push ups every time your mind begins to wander to the past. Getting a grip on your emotions is not rocket science, really. It just requires a belief in how you want your life to look and a commitment to striving for that goal.

 

As you can see from the 4 pages of replies, almost everyone agrees your ex is bad news. But, you're an adult and you get to make your own decision.

 

I do feel bad for your girlfriend. Whatever you decide, I think you need to be more forthright with her. You can't withhold so much information about where you are emotionally, and still maintain an emotional connection. The good news is, while opening up to her about all this will no doubt be painful for you both, it could bring you closer together depending on how you handle this situation.

 

Best of luck.

[BryanSmiley]

Very well said Lucy. It's bad enough so many of us (me included) can be lulled into giving an ex a second chance at our own risk. I.e. there’s a reasonable chance that the same person can do the same or similar thing again – they are capable of it. Of course it’s no reason to absolutely rule out reconciliation, but she’d have to be seriously convincing in this scenario, and I’m not sure she could ever give you enough guarantees. It’s one thing to find yourself 6 months down the line with her having fled again, kicking yourself. But when you have a child in the situation too, that’ll be a really rough ride if it happened.

 

Years have gone by and this women has not reached out to you, or your son. Years. Think about that.

 

Ultimately you need to make the call but those visions of having the family back together and happy – the reality could be that there’s old or new incompatibilities, and they’ll often be this justified paranoia she’ll do something similar again. If your current gf hasn’t done anywhere near such negative things to you or your son – you have to go with record/form when considering you and your sons future.

 

I was having a bad 24 hours thinking of an ex that I got back with a couple of times and to’ing and throwing wanting her back or not. Then I spoke to a work friend today whom got back with the mother of his kid. Well, a few months on she’s broke it off with him again. Imagine the turmoil he’s gone through. Sometimes you can try and try, want and partially pine for something – but if they’ve let you go once – they can do it again.

Edited May 16, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[Doran]

Who ever told you that the bridge to redemption was some easy thing? You are a man who has cared for his son when his mother abandoned him. You are a good man who seems lost.

 

You are not lost though. Find your way.

 

Thank you!!!