What are some of the normal reactions.....

[Itisisntit]

....to first finding out about betrayal?

 

Hi all, I'm new to posting but long time lurker.

Hope I'm in the right place.

I won't go into detail as of yet about my story but I would like to know of reactions, feelings and some of the stupid things you've done after finding out?

 

The most prominent for me is a deep burning sensation in my lungs that I have never felt.

Thanks for replying in advance.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Itis, I am surprised the more experienced and wise folk on here have not responded to your OP. Unfortunately, I am not qualified to offer you any advice or opinion on this being completely inexperienced. However, I am sorry for your pain and heartache on discovering this most heinous and hurtful deed that one's spouse can dish out to their partner who they are supposed to support and stand up for. Since you have just discovered the betrayal you will go through a range of emotions, some of which will result in your experiencing raw physical symptoms of an excruciating nature. Just remember to take care of yourself at this moment and do not punish yourself by resorting to excessive use of alcohol to blunt the pain or by not eating properly or taking adequate rest. A lot of people recommend that one keep oneself hydrated by drinking plenty of water and also get one's mind off the ever present thoughts and images of the betrayal by indulging in physical activity. this can be visiting your gym or taking to running or cycling or any other activity that will help take you mind off your compulsive thoughts, at least for a while.

 

I am sure there will be a number of folks who will respond with better ideas and ways to combat your pain. This being the weekend, the responses may be a bit slow in coming. Just hang in there and remember that you are among friends. Warm wishes.

[Friskyone4u]

....to first finding out about betrayal?

 

Hi all, I'm new to posting but long time lurker.

Hope I'm in the right place.

I won't go into detail as of yet about my story but I would like to know of reactions, feelings and some of the stupid things you've done after finding out?

 

The most prominent for me is a deep burning sensation in my lungs that I have never felt.

Thanks for replying in advance.

 

It is,

 

There is no "normal" reaction. Everyone is different. It is how you handle the reaction that is important.

 

Worst thing for you is DENIAL. That prevents you from getting the truth, which should be your first goal. Without knowing the story, can't advise on that.

 

Next worst reaction is to play what is called the "pick me game". The minute you plead, beg, and immediately "forgive", you have gone a long way towards losing the battle.

 

And stay the hell out of MC until you know with verifiable information that the infidelity is not still going on. You do not do therapy with an active cheater.

 

So start out by moving from denial and ostrich mode to ANGER mode.

[Unforseen]

And stay away from alcohol mode or other means of drowning or concealing the pain. Just adds complications and otherwise slows any kind of personal recovery.

 

Anger is a reaction. Yes the anger is a self defense mechanism to help one push on without getting overwhelmed by everything hiding or causing the anger, but sooner or later that emotion needs to be pulled back to see what's below.

 

Unless the betrayal is somehow expected it is really an emotional trauma and many of the effects of a physical trauma are present. Shock from the emotional overload. Some temporary hearing and vision loss from the surge of adrenaline. Uncontrollable shaking and other motor control issues. A very real sense of loss and emptiness. Panic and maybe trouble breathing. Irrational decision making. Self blame and shame. ED. A feeling of helplessness. A complete lack of ability to comprehend what just happened. Mind movies. Self punishment.

 

And yeah, the reactions really depend upon the person experiencing them, location, past experiences, etc.

[seren]

I think most of us feel disbelief, if we never suspected anything was going on, followed by anger, grief, loss, a realisation that we weren't going crazy when we thought something was off. More anger, more tears, a need to know, feeling sick when we realise this is really happening, the need to know if it has stopped, then the need for truth. Getting the truth glossed over as they try to protect us from hurt, this is never a good idea. Feeling sick, being sick, wanting them to comfort us while hating what they did at the same time. Fear for us, our children, the family. The feeling that we are walking around in a mad, bad dream, not eating, not sleeping, crying all the time, more anger than we have ever known, not knowing what to do with ourselves, our feelings and after our heads have processed it, the what to do next thoughts. Throw them out or try to make it work.

 

All the time trying to work, keep the family together, function. The need for answers and the endless questions we have, is it over? why, when, who? All this in a jumble while we just want to curl into a ball and howl. It took around 3 months before my head stopped whirring, far, far longer for my heart to feel it wasn't going to jump out of my chest, it actually felt broken. trying to stop myself from blowing up the OW's world and trying to not blow my own up as she was being truly awful to me and mine, watching my H fall apart as he talked to me about his A, wanting to comfort him, still loving him while hating what he had done.

 

Each of us copes, processes the affair differently, it all depends on our marriage, our WS's reaction and their response, what we want for ourselves, what we want for the future. It is the start of the hardest, saddest journey, it can end differently for each of us. For me and my H, it has been over 9 yrs, we are together, very happy and while the journey has been hard, it has been worth it. It is the start for you, I am sorry, it gets harder before it gets easier.

[road]

There is a whole range of reactions after discovering one's WS's affair.

Each one is normal.

 

Now when you are ready to get specific then we can give you more

specific support.

[Marc878]

The most dangerous is denial.

 

Wanting to believe the lies because the truth is too hard to take. Hence, believing the lies or swallowing the blameshifting that it's all your fault.

 

Many get played hard up front and can't seem to wake up to reality

[flowergirl14]

....to first finding out about betrayal?

 

Hi all, I'm new to posting but long time lurker.

Hope I'm in the right place.

I won't go into detail as of yet about my story but I would like to know of reactions, feelings and some of the stupid things you've done after finding out?

 

The most prominent for me is a deep burning sensation in my lungs that I have never felt.

Thanks for replying in advance.

 

For me it was gut wrenching! My symptoms were crying, actually sobbing, disbelief, anxiety attacks, severe depression, weight loss, numbness, vomiting..all over a stupid cheater who didnt give a you know what about me.

[Mr Blunt]

"I would like to know of reactions, feelings and some of the stupid things you've done after finding out"

 

 

 

 

I did an introspection of myself thinking that I caused the betrayal. I even did the “Pick me dance” for a few weeks. I could have been a better spouse, but doesn’t that apply to almost everyone? I could have been better but I was a pretty good husband and had nothing to do with her betrayal. After that I took actions to protect myself legally and keep the children’s damage to a minimum.

 

Parting advice: Focus your attention on yourself and children first because your betraying spouse cannot do much to help you through the toughest spots in your initial stages of recovery. Your cheating spouse is a damaged person that will be trying to get relief for her/his self esteem and not have a lot to offer you.

[Unforseen]

"I would like to know of reactions, feelings and some of the stupid things you've done after finding out"

 

 

 

 

I did an introspection of myself thinking that I caused the betrayal. I even did the “Pick me dance” for a few weeks. I could have been a better spouse, but doesn’t that apply to almost everyone? I could have been better but I was a pretty good husband and had nothing to do with her betrayal. After that I took actions to protect myself legally and keep the children’s damage to a minimum.

 

Parting advice: Focus your attention on yourself and children first because your betraying spouse cannot do much to help you through the toughest spots in your initial stages of recovery. Your cheating spouse is a damaged person that will be trying to get relief for her/his self esteem and not have a lot to offer you.

 

Yeah it looks like I missed the other half of that question. And it looks like Mr. blunt certainly hit the nail on the head. For about the first week I was convinced the A was all my fault and I was to blame. So in the category of stupid things done, I spent the first week completely neglecting myself and my true feelings in an effort to make my WW happy so that SHE wouldn't leave me. I gave in to anything she wanted and spent hours listening to her tell me what a horrible H I had been. Even though many of the things she told me were her way of blame shifting and not true to reality those words are still etched into my mind and come out to play in the quiet times at night.

[NTV]

Yeah it looks like I missed the other half of that question. And it looks like Mr. blunt certainly hit the nail on the head. For about the first week I was convinced the A was all my fault and I was to blame. So in the category of stupid things done, I spent the first week completely neglecting myself and my true feelings in an effort to make my WW happy so that SHE wouldn't leave me. I gave in to anything she wanted and spent hours listening to her tell me what a horrible H I had been. Even though many of the things she told me were her way of blame shifting and not true to reality those words are still etched into my mind and come out to play in the quiet times at night.

 

I did the same thing. I remember desperately vacuming the sh** out of the house in a panic because if I didn't then 'she wouldn't love me anymore'.

 

I then tried drowning it for a couple months in drink before I figured out that this only made it worse. At one point I think I had started to develop a split personality. The weak me and the version of me that did everything the weak one thought a badass would do... luckily I caught that in time.

 

Then I found a site like this one and a recommendation do journal. That helped the most. That and time.

 

If someone had tried explaining how bad the pain of betrayal felt to me before the experience I would have assumed they were melodramatic. I've had life altering injuries that left me spending months learning how to walk again and years learning how to hide a limp... and I would take that a hundred times over again rather than face the pain of another betrayal.

 

Course if there is another betrayal then I'm exiting my marriage stage left so fast that Road Runner will come to get lessons from me.

Edited May 7, 2017 by NTV
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