To Tell or not To Tell?

[ThisTooShallPass01]

Hey there fellow Shackers,

 

First - my apologies for the length of my first post. I'll start off this post by admitting my situation is not dissimilar from that of many others here. Like many of you, I'm a young, single guy who got wrapped up in a very horribly wrong situation that I could use some advice working through.

 

I was always close with her. We're coworkers (and currently still are), and I'd always thought of this girl as my best friend - we were the closest work buddies you could ever imagine. Around a year ago, however, things changed. We were on a business trip together, and she admitted to me that she had really strong feelings for me. At first, I didn't know how to react. I was flattered, but I had never let myself go there with her, because at the time she was engaged. I had always been there for her when she would talk about the stress of planning her wedding, or the new thing her fiancée did that was annoying her. I thought nothing of it - because hey, we were friends!

 

Eventually, the talks about her fiancée turned from 'minor annoyances' to what I would consider serious red flags. She started to tell me how she was disgusted by him - that she had stopped all physical contact between each other. That she could not stand being around him, that she seriously dreaded spending time with him. I tried consoling her at the time by telling her this was all part of the pre-wedding jitters that most people go through, even though in my head it sounded a lot more serious than that.

 

Well, after her confession of feelings, I tried to insist that we spend less time together, because I cared about her and thought that our friendship was adversely affecting her relationship. I also suggested at the time that she tell her fiancée how she was feeling and talk through all this stuff together - perhaps even postpone the wedding. She did none of this. Eventually one weekend, when her fiancée had gone out of town, she texted me asking me to get dinner. I agreed, one thing led to another, and thus the PA had begun.

 

The first time we were together, I had a minor panic attack. I was so upset with myself for what I had done - that I lost my willpower. I told her at the time 'you realize this means you need to call off your wedding, right?'. She agreed, and agreed to tell her fiancée once he got back from his business trip. Of course, once he got back, she stated that they had gone to pre-marital counseling, and the subject of cheating was brought up. Apparently her fiancée had answered that he would NEVER want to know anything like that, and he would prefer to live in ignorance. To each his own.

 

The affair never stopped. We were sneaking around every chance we could get. Every time her fiancée went away on business we would spend every moment together. We would get sent on frequent business trips together and be together. There was clearly no remorse on her part for what we were doing, and I admit I am no saint either. I had lost my conviction and my morals and had let myself fall for this girl. If i ever brought up her impending wedding, she would start crying and tell me how badly she wishes it were me she was marrying, and not her fiancée.

 

Well, we kept the affair going all the way up to the weekend before her wedding. The time finally came when she was going to leave work for a month to go off to her wedding and honeymoon. I confronted her that day, and told her I couldnt believe she was going to go through with it. She sobbed and said she had no choice anymore - and away she went. I didn't see her for a month.

 

When she came back to work, I had vowed that it was over. I was simply just a fling for her before her wedding. She had gotten what she wanted and was done with me now. Well - about 2 weeks after she got back, she came back to me and stated that her love for me had not faded. That she was still madly in love with me, and we started up again. Again - I'm ashamed of myself for letting this happen.

 

And again, for the next few months, we were inseparable. Sneaking off just like we used to - not even 8 weeks after she made vows to another man. We kept it up until Christmas break of last year, when we both were apart for a few weeks.

 

Well, after Christmas break, everything changed. She came back from the holiday and said she had 'reconnected' with her husband and was more in love with him than ever, and told me she did not want to continue seeing me. She told me to get therapy and said she still wanted to stay friends and good colleagues.

 

I was crushed. Devastated. I couldnt believe her quick change of heart. Standard reaction that many others here have felt. But in my heart - I knew it was for the best. I knew that the pain I was feeling was nothing compared to how I would feel as a newlywed learning about my wife's infidelity. I told myself everything would be ok - I'm still young and single - others will come. So I informed her I had no interest in being her friend. My feelings for her were too strong and I couldnt handle it.

 

Which is where I now come to you, fellow love shackers. Despite my request to not speak unless it was about professional circumstances, and to cease texting and contacting me (again, unless it was for work), she has not stopped. The past few months have been a rollercoaster. I've had to deal with her coming into work on Mondays raving about how she and her husband had the MOST AMAZING weekend ever, to her telling everyone how excited they are to pick out their favorite wedding photos to hang throughout the home. It seems to get louder whenever I'm in the office.

 

Yet - not even a week ago, she texted me telling me how much she misses me. When we are alone in the office, she tries to hold my hand. She tells me she still loves me and cares for me.

 

I've had enough. I've been trying for months now to get over this girl and move on, and it seems every time I've made some progress, she tries to bring me back down again. This is the only reason I am considering sending a text to her husband. Letting him know everything thats happened. I feel that if he actually found out, maybe it would stop all of this from continuing. I'm so conflicted - because I had always told myself I would never be the one to tell. That I willingly signed up for the ****ty position I'm in right now, and I deserve this pain. But listening to her rant about how in love she is at work, to follow up with her texting me at 1am, has become too much to bear.

 

So - would you tell? Is it a bad idea?

 

Thanks for letting me rant.

[Ruffian1]

Oh my. She sounds like such a lovely, sweet person.

The ONLY reason you should tell her BS is because it is the right thing to do. Yes you screwed up, you are just as culpable as her. Tell me, did you hope she would cancel the wedding and instead marry you?

Answer that honestly.

Most OW/OM will advise you not to tell.

But answer me this also,

If you were her H, wouldn’t you want to know? No matter who told you, You Would Want To Know.

His marriage is null and void, she married him under false pretenses. Most likely, he would not have married her had he known what she was doing with you.

[anika99]

Usually I think it's creepy for the OM/OW to be the one to tell the betrayed spouse. On the other hand I think the betrayed spouse always deserves the truth even if it has to come from the affair partner and especially so in your situation where the husband got married under false pre-tenses and is totally being duped. He needs to know before he starts making babies with this woman and ends up financially tied to her for like.

 

You have to plan how you are going to tell him and you have to give him proof. Simply sending him a text message saying you have been doing his wife is not going to work because she will tell him the most convincing lies about you. She will tell him that you are crazy, that you wanted her and she rejected you and now you are making up lies about her to get revenge. As far fetched as her lies are her husband will believe her because to consider otherwise will be too shocking and painful for him, so when you tell him you have to do so in a way that leaves no way for her to lie her way out.

 

By the way, I think you only want to tell him because you are angry and want to hurt her and him. If you just wanted her to leave you alone you could just tell her that you're going to tell her husband. You could block her from your phone so she can't text you at 1:00 AM. You could formally complain to HR about her harassing you. You could do numerous other things to make her leave you alone so let's not pretend you are helpless to do anything other than telling her spouse; but I think you should tell him anyways because he has made a huge mistake in marrying this woman and he deserves to know. He might even be able to get the marriage annulled.

[salparadise]

I think you only want to tell him because you are angry and want to hurt her and him.

 

Yup, and because you're jealous that she has chosen him and went ahead with the wedding, and talking about it at work... she's rubbing your nose in it on the one hand, and exploiting your weakness to keep you attached. She's treating you like an door mat, manipulating your emotions, deceiving her new husband... and doing it all so brazenly, as if she's entitled and completely confident that no negative consequences could result. I'd be pissed too, but you also have to acknowledge that it's your weakness and your bad choices that got you here. You could've said no, or extricated yourself at any point, esp. early on.

 

As to whether or not to tell, well, that's a tough decision. I think you would not be doing so for ethical reasons (if there is such a thing in this context), but more as retribution, and because you'd like to see her suffer consequences because she chose him instead of you, remains smug and in control, and continues to treat you like an insignificant door mat. He will figure it out eventually. She'll get caught sooner or later. What you should do is get the hell outta there––change jobs, go to therapy, start living authentically and focus forward. Telling the husband won't fix what needs fixing for you.

[darkbloom]

She wanted to have her cake and eat it too.

 

I was in a similar situation just reversed gender roles. Come on, you know she's not as happy as she's pretending to be if she's texting you at 1am. I would block and deleted her from your phone.

 

I'm in the camp of not telling the husband because you're doing it to be vindictive. That's a whole mess of consequences that you aren't ready for. Tell her if she doesn't stop, you will tell her husband. Should solve the issue in one.

[lostgirl87]

I told my MM's wife about the affair with photos and texts as proof. I also NEVER wanted her to find out and I definitely didn't want to be the one to tell her. I didn't want her to know for selfish reasons: I didn't want to be known as a mistress. With my profession, a quick google search of my not so common name brings up way too much information about me.

 

However, I found out my MM had a ONS with an acquaintance and I decided (or so I thought) that I was completely done and never wanted to look back. I knew he wouldn't let me go so easily so I felt that the only way to get rid of him for good was to tell his wife. He and I had argued one day and I said "you should be thankful Im the type of person who would never out you"; he took that as a threat and said "if you ever did that, you and I would be done" along with some other stupid stuff. So I did it. I wanted him gone.

 

The next day or 2 were awful for me. I was fearful of what would come, I was fearful of his reaction, I was afraid that he and her would join forces and ruin me. I googled myself incessantly. I looked for myself on revenge "other woman" sites. I was a mess. His wife was kind to me. I apologized for my role and wished them well. She accepted, said she wished I would've waited until they were over rather than get involved while he was still married but that she didn't blame me- she blamed him. I was more afraid of him though.

 

Just 2-3 days later, he was calling me again. Begging to see me. Crying that he loves me and he doesn't care that I told. That he understood and he is so sorry for what he did. That he wants to be with me and just needs time to figure it all out. So my point in saying all of this? There are other ways to get this woman out of your life. You don't know how messy this can get. She could out you at work, to your family. You don't know how her husband will react. It could be dangerous in more ways than one.

 

I am not going to tell you whether you should tell her husband or not. But based on the reasoning you have stated, there are other ways to get her out of your life. Safer, less messy ways.

 

Looking back, I would say my reason for telling the wife was mostly to get him out of my life but as angry and hurt as I was, revenge played a role. Be honest with yourself. Really think about this. Once you squeeze the toothpaste out, you can't get it back in the tube.

[Ruffian1]

I'm in the camp of not telling the husband because you're doing it to be vindictive.

 

Oh, and she is not being vindictive - loudly bragging about her happy marriage to H and generally rubbing in OP face.

 

If all that OP is true and she is gloating at their workplace and saying "I still love you and s#it like that, she is cold hearted and cruel and deserves to be outed just for acting like that alone.

[BTDT2012]

Will telling have an impact on your employment?

[FoundMyStrength]

Will telling have an impact on your employment?

 

This is an important point. As others have said, there are other ways to scare her off. If you believe you *should* ethically tell him, then do so. But if this is purely to push her away, you should be thinking about your well being too. You could be fired, your reputation kaput, have difficulty finding another job, lose friends/coworkers.

 

I am an xOW and have weighed this decision myself. I believe he should have told her, but I don't think it was my place, it was brief and has ended and I believe their marriage is going okay now, and she has had several major life stressors that made the timing of such a disclosure​ unwise. At the time it ended, I also questioned my motivations for wanting to do so, as did my friends.

 

Really think about why you want to do this, the effect it will have on him and you, and then make your decision. Try to figure out if it is coming from a selfish place. Oftentimes, it is. I also wonder about the timing of his premarital counseling claim of not wanting to know. It makes me wonder if he already suspected or knew.

[elaine567]

I think it is a very bad idea.

Men who are cheated on can get very very angry with the OM and very often when confrontations occur the police need to get involved to sort out the violence.

HR are often contacted too by the BH, and the BH can often take some comfort in the OM losing his job...

 

Telling a wife her husband is cheating on her can be a very different situation from telling a husband his wife has been targeted by a "predatory" OM...

 

I know you want to get back at them both for being happy whilst you are so miserable, but it may be you that comes off the real loser here.

Be careful.

I would not poke this particular bear if i were you.

 

JMO

[FoundMyStrength]

I think it is a very bad idea.

Men who are cheated on can get very very angry with the OM and very often when confrontations occur the police need to get involved to sort out the violence.

HR are often contacted too by the BH, and the BH can often take some comfort in the OM losing his job...

 

Telling a wife her husband is cheating on her can be a very different situation from telling a husband his wife has been targeted by a "predatory" OM...

 

I know you want to get back at them both for being happy whilst you are so miserable, but it may be you that comes off the real loser here.

Be careful.

I would not poke this particular bear if i were you.

 

JMO

 

This is a good point. From what I've read on these forums, it seems like BW more often internalize their anger and distress. They question their marriage, themselves, and get angry at the OW but more in a GTFO of my life way. BH get angry, and they externalize it. In other words, you came onto his turf and pissed in it. And he will likely want to piss on your life now. That may be physical violence, trying to get you fired, trying to ruin your reputation now and in the future, whatever. Men tend to react poorly to other men sleeping with their wives.

[freengreen]

Did you mention to her that if she keeps messing with you, you could go savage and tell her husband?.. worth a try i think.

[ThisTooShallPass01]

Hey all,

 

Thanks so much for all the replies! I'll do my best to reply to the questions. First off though - just want to thank everyone for commenting and giving their opinions. I can't even tell you how many articles on Google and threads on various websites I've read from people in similar situations. You guys are really great - thanks for helping me get through this!

 

Ruffian1: "Yes you screwed up, you are just as culpable as her. Tell me, did you hope she would cancel the wedding and instead marry you?

Answer that honestly.

Most OW/OM will advise you not to tell.

But answer me this also,

If you were her H, wouldn’t you want to know? No matter who told you, You Would Want To Know."

 

Completely agreed - I screwed up royally on this one. This will definitely go down as one of those colossal mistakes I have made in my life.

 

Did I hope she would marry me? If you had asked me that 4-6 months ago, I would've said yes - unquestionably. Now? Not so much. I've seen what this girl is capable of. Her true colors have been exposed to me. And hell yes I would want to know!

 

Anika99: "By the way, I think you only want to tell him because you are angry and want to hurt her and him. If you just wanted her to leave you alone you could just tell her that you're going to tell her husband. You could block her from your phone so she can't text you at 1:00 AM. You could formally complain to HR about her harassing you. You could do numerous other things to make her leave you alone so let's not pretend you are helpless to do anything other than telling her spouse"

 

Probably true. I know my word means nothing anymore seeing as I let it go as far as it did, but it does sincerely pain me to hear her talk about how they are planning on having kids by the end of this year/next year. I feel responsible for this fantasy world that her husband is living in, and kids are no joke. I feel like if someone is going to tell him - it should happen NOW - while they are still able to walk away from everything and not have other lives affected by this.

 

Funny enough - to everyone that suggested I threaten to tell her husband, I've actually threatened it twice now. And it has not done anything to help. I'm just as baffled as anyone - I'd be scared ****less if I were her, but she really seems to not care. The last time we had a talk about how we felt, I was pretty angry about everything. She held my hand while I told her we will NEVER be together. Her response: "Never say never." When I asked her how shes able to live with herself after what we've done - I told her I am racked with guilt every night and unable to sleep - her response was to tell me that she 'compartmentalizes' and just chooses not to think about me when she's at home.

 

Salparadise: "because you're jealous that she has chosen him and went ahead with the wedding, and talking about it at work..."

 

Agreed that it pisses me off to hear it, because I know it's all a fallacy and a charade. But jealous is a hard word to use. Enough time has passed for me to realize - this girl is not a prize. I don't see this anymore as me 'losing out' to the husband. I actually think I should be grateful here - that I have the ability to walk away from all of this crazy. I also feel like the lack of remorse she has for this means that she would've just done the same thing to me eventually.

 

To those asking whether it would affect my employment: Well, my situation is a bit unique. I've been in my company for over 10 years now, my boss is someone I consider a very good and close friend. And I've confessed all of this to her. She has been extremely supportive of me and it's been such a relief to have her help in getting through this. She has reassured me multiple times that I am safe - in the grand scheme of things this isn't a big deal. If anything - the worst that could come of it is me getting a reputation as a home wrecker. That being said - she's also on the side of telling the H - she's even offered to do it herself, saying it's the right thing to do.

 

I'm still undecided on what to do here. Another thing I wonder - what if she really DOES love her H? What if she really did get it all out of her system with me, and they have a loving and happy life with multiple kids lined up for the future? Is that even a possibility with what she's done? If I do just walk away from this - am I sparing her H unnecessary pain? I'm very against the idea of him saying he would never want to know, and her using that as justification to continue lying to him. But maybe it is for the best?

 

And to anika99 again - thanks, you are correct in that there are other ways. I decided to block her number this morning and I feel relieved already.

 

At the end of the day - I guess this is just another case of someone mistaking a hard life lesson for their soulmate. I'm sad and sorry that it's come to this.

[Origin]

You have to plan how you are going to tell him and you have to give him proof. Simply sending him a text message saying you have been doing his wife is not going to work because she will tell him the most convincing lies about you. She will tell him that you are crazy, that you wanted her and she rejected you and now you are making up lies about her to get revenge. As far fetched as her lies are her husband will believe her because to consider otherwise will be too shocking and painful for him, so when you tell him you have to do so in a way that leaves no way for her to lie her way out.

 

What he wrote above!! I hated reading your story TBH cause it reminded me of mine and at one point i even questioned if we were talking about the same girl?? Anyways, if you're doing it for revenge to make her hurt i wouldn't do it, even thou she screwed you royally and your feelings.

 

You can tell him and go out as an as*ho*e.

 

Or you can backout, block her number, email and go on with your life and have her always remember you as a guy she missed out on.

She will never be happy in her marriage no matter now much she is putting up a front. Shes doing it now to piss you off but i guarantee if you can last 3-4 months without contact and show her you don't care it will hurt her so much more for losing out on you.

 

You seem like a nice guy, and who knows, the husband is probably a nice guy also...this chick is bad for you, stay away from her, she is very manipulative it seems.

[anduina]

This woman sounds like a sociopath with a sadistic streak. Make a plan that includes getting a new job and cutting off all roads to contact. Don't tell anyone at your present work your new place of employment.

 

Once you're out of her toxic reach for six months or so which might include therapy about why you would so easily violate your values time and again, you can decide whether to tell the husband or not when you're feeling in an emotionally better place. It wouldn't surprise me if she lied about the husband not wanting to know about an affair. Also, weigh in the most important aspect, that if you tell, you'll be embroiled in her unhealthy drama again.

[FoundMyStrength]

I second the finding a new place of employment. And the limiting damage by cutting all contact. Affairs are awful things and, like others have suggested, you should think about therapy. I'm in it now and it's helped me to figure out how and why I compromised my values. But you should also think about protecting yourself and buffering against future contact and involvement.

[sandylee1]

As you've told her you'd tell her husband and she continues doing what she's doing, then tell him.

 

That stuff she told you about Pre marital counselling is 99.99% likely to be a lie.

 

You can't trust a word she says. I can't think who'd want a wife like her TBH. She had no business getting married.

 

Have your evidence and perhaps take your boss up on her offer to tell him. She'll do it sensitively.