If someone online misrepresent their physical appearance

[Popsicle]

On their profile. Then you have a first date and find this out, should you be honest and tell them why you don't want to go out with them again, or lie and say something else to save their feelings?

 

(PS-this has not happened to me yet, but I have a feeling it will!)

[johngalt1149]

It's happened to me many times and 90% of the women lie about their age or used faded photos or old photos. Why though call them on it? It makes them happy to be in that delusion. A gentleman shouldn't do that until he becomes their SO.

[Popsicle]

Why though call them on it? It makes them happy to be in that delusion.

 

Yes it's a dilemma isn't it?

That's why I wanted to get everyone's thoughts here.

[Popsicle]

I am not sure how often men do it, but pretty much every woman does it these days.

 

You should not assume that every woman does it, just like every man doesn't.

 

And Facebook is not online dating.

Edited May 6, 2017 by Popsicle

[johngalt1149]

In my case I was referring to POF, Match, Jdate and meetup. All of which have proven to be good sources of dates for me. But again 90% of what is online is a lie for the women. Photos, ages etc. I do not know of women's experiences with men other than the youngers are much more aggressive looking for milfs.

[Popsicle]

Men do other things, like take dimly lit photos, blurry photos, old photos, photos from far away, focus on pics of their motorcycle/car/boat, focus on pics of the scenes and places of their adventures (minus any good pics of them), photos with other people so you can tell who they are, embellish on their height, every photo taken with a baseball cap, or more photos of their dog than themselves.

 

And I'm not here to talk about Facebook.

[elaine567]

Most people know they have bad points, so when presenting an image of themselves to the world, they are not going to showcase their huge nose, their saggy tummy or their uneven skin.

 

Even the most honest will tend to hide what they think may be a deal breaker.

So whilst they may feel their huge nose must be displayed, they may still feel the need to the hide the fact they are grossly overweight or they have bad teeth or are an odd shape.

 

Few people can really bear much scrutiny, we are all flawed, but in a swipe right or left culture most need to present an "acceptable" image or they know they will get no dates and be left forever eating ready meals for one.

 

I also think that a photo can conjure up a story in our minds around a person and when that person, through maybe no fault of their own, disappoints us in person, we are peeved and feel they deceived us.

[JuneL]

What's the point of misrepresenting one's appearance? It's not like your date is not going to see your appearance when you finally meet up. Sure, you may trick someone into meeting up with you, but your lie is going to hurt you more than your imperfect appearance. It's a waste of your own time.

[Popsicle]

Yeah, guys don't understand what you ladies are looking for in pics. We like our cars and our boats, so we share pics of those. Just like ladies tend to post pics of their kids on OLD sites for some reason. I never did get that one.

 

Those bald guys wearing a baseball cap, they wear those things every day anyway. Good luck getting a shot of him with no hat on I have a buddy that wears his every second of every day. He has been bald for 20 years and still can't accept it.

 

I really don't think men like taking pics of ourselves as much as ladies do. My FB profile pic is out of date, but I don't even care to take a new one. A lot of guys I know are the same way.

 

It's probably pretty easy to spot old pics these days. New cameras take nice pics, so if that pic is kinda blurry, you know it's out of date. I even had a woman send me a selfie where she is holding a flip phone. You know she ain't had that phone for like 5 years, at least! Little details like that can help you spot the fakes.

 

Lol. I know a couple of people who still have a flip phone.

 

And I'm sure women have personal excuses as to why they don't have good pics up just like men do.

 

The question is, after the date, do you tell them if it's clear that they were hiding something?

I'm leaning towards no. Leave it alone.

 

Actually, occasionally I'll get a guy with no pics and I'll tell him he should put some pics up and no I don't want to text until you put some pics up on the dating site.

 

My ex-bf wore his cap 24/7. I told him to take it off and let me see on the first date within the first few mins. He wasn't even balding that bad and he has a pretty boy face, but I guess he hated the balding he was doing.

[Erik30]

You can usually already tell something is up. They often only use headshots. (from a certain angle)

 

If they seem like a completely different person who I'm not attracted to at all, I would sit through the date but after that, I'll come up with some excuse why I'm not interested.

I probably wouldn't say the real reason, but I'm sure she'll know.

 

I have heard from some of my female friends about guys who use pictures of other people who look nothing like them. (So basically catfishing, but they were not leading girls on for months) These men assumed it would be funny, and thought they might win her over with their humor and personality. They both sometimes laughed about it on their date, (because it was weird and unexpected) but it obviously never worked out .

[Popsicle]

What's the point of misrepresenting one's appearance? It's not like your date is not going to see your appearance when you finally meet up. Sure, you may trick someone into meeting up with you, but your lie is going to hurt you more than your imperfect appearance. It's a waste of your own time.

 

They are hoping you overlook their flaws or don't notice.

[Dtrain2EtOWN]

 

From my experience, men aren't as tech savy with their cameras as the ladies are, so I would think that the pics men post would be more accurate. Just have to make sure the pics aren't old or something. I know I never take care to take the perfect selfie with filters and such, and neither do any of my guy friends.

 

True. No surprises once you get that most are tiny. Even if endowed with height most are as underwhelming as the grainy long shots imply. This is why I don't meet until he perks my interest in other areas.

 

OP time is money and you got let down by misrepresentation. If you really want to be nice you will tell them what no one else will. How are they going to change without pain? It's easier to shake it off. I received feedback that was eye opening. I was like huh? OMG WTF? He's totally right. I made some changes that stuck. He was otherwise a db but I am so glad he told me. Your call.

[Popsicle]

You can usually already tell something is up. They often only use headshots. (from a certain angle)

 

If they seem like a completely different person who I'm not attracted to at all, I would sit through the date but after that, I'll come up with some excuse why I'm not interested.

I probably wouldn't say the real reason, but I'm sure she'll know.

 

Yeah, I think I'd do this too.

 

And men tend to use head shots only if they are overweight.

I find dimly lit pics to be more prevelant. Which baffles me.

[Popsicle]

 

If you really want to be nice you will tell them what no one else will. How are they going to change without pain? It's easier to shake it off. I received feedback that was eye opening. I was like huh? OMG WTF? He's totally right. I made some changes that stuck. He was otherwise a db but I am so glad he told me. Your call.

 

That is the question, right?

 

Do you help them?

 

I'm not sure they want it or if I could bring myself to do it.

[GemmaUK]

I am not one for making someone feel bad so I'd give a lack of chemistry excuse or something like that.

 

I've had first meets with several men who didn't look like their profile pics.

It was very clear the pics were all old ones though, I don't think they had tweaked the pics.

 

One in particular was bad as I went into the place we were to meet - the place had 3 different sections to it (but is a teeny tiny little place and I walked into the bar area, looked about, continued on into the top section, back through the bar area, looking around continually. Then I went through to the lower side, couldn't see him anywhere and I went back into the bar, took a look for one last time and couldn't see him so turned to head out of the door of the place.

I then heard a voice calling my name. It was him and he had been at the bar all along! He was a good 3-4 Stone heavier than all of his profile pics and was wearing a blazer - which also didn't reflect his attire in his pics.

His pics were all t-shirt and jeans so I kind of expected him to wear something similar plus it was a very humid, warm evening.

he kept that jacket on the whole time and also had a long sleeved shirt plus a jumper underneath it!

No doubt attempting to hide his size - but it was his size that made me not recognise him at all - I had looked at him 3 times already walking in and around that place and totally ruled him out as not the guy I was supposed to be meeting!

 

The date went from bad to worse - it got so very bad it has become a good dating story to tell! Lol!

 

Then there have been a lot of grey haired, wrinklies, baldies who weren't in their pics, - most of all though was those who were a lot overweight.

 

My pics when on OLD are pics taken of me by people, I don't even know how to tweak photos aside from cropping them and I've never taken a selfie in my life!

 

Some women though - I can't help but get a little baffled by. I knew one who doctored out her very large double chin.

On FB I see a lot of women who add the heavily made up pouty and from a high angle pics - these are women I work with actually and nope, they do not look like that in real life at all I'm afraid. If I were a guy I would avoid someone with only those type of pics.

In fact on OLD I only go by the picture which I consider to be the least attractive anyway - it's usually a touch closer to reality.

I haven't yet met a guy who was more attractive than his pictures though.

 

I don't want this to sound mean (not even typing it on an anonymous site as I love this lady to bits - she is hilarious) But this is also another lady at work - she's married - has been for years and she is incredibly photogenic - she has pics taken by a photographer on her FB and she looks the epitome of beautiful, feminine etc.

In real life, she is just not like that, she walks like a farmer and snorts whenever she laughs and has a very slurry way of speaking - no h, or t is ever heard in her speech.

She is lovely and does make me laugh but if she were single and I was a guy meeting her from OLD I just would not recognise her - not even if she were all dolled up.

[Dtrain2EtOWN]

That is the question, right?

 

Do you help them?

 

I'm not sure they want it or if I could bring myself to do it.

 

Their response is about them and their fear and anger and frustration. It feels uncomfortable but you have a big heart and can take it. What they take with them gives them the power to change. You may never the result but one way or another you are giving them a choice they couldn't see before. It takes bravery for sure but if you like them otherwise consider letting them know. Spin it from what you like to a friendly suggesting going forward.

[Ieris]

On their profile. Then you have a first date and find this out, should you be honest and tell them why you don't want to go out with them again, or lie and say something else to save their feelings?

 

It depends if it was done intentionally because some people look better in photos and some look better in person so they may not be doing it on purpose. I have also come across people who look different in every photo, so as long as you can tell it's the same person then I wouldn't be too hard on them.

 

However, I have experienced this several times and they were clearly out to deceive me so I looked at them and walked off. So if that is the case then I think you're being very kind to even stay for the first date.

[Erik30]

Yeah, I think I'd do this too.

 

And men tend to use head shots only if they are overweight.

I find dimly lit pics to be more prevelant. Which baffles me.

 

Basically if the pictures are not clear, you just know they have something to hide; overweight, balding, lying about their age, bad acne, ...etc.

[Chilli]

Yeah , tis true ,l found most the women did stuff , way old photos was a biggie and really annoying too because they usually sure didn't age too well since.

l remember one saying to me , oh l thought my hair looked better in that photo so l just used that.

Ahh , she was also about 10yrs younger and 1/2 the weight in that pic too .

 

But l never had the heart to say anything though myself. l wondered if other people did though.

Edited May 6, 2017 by Chilli

[GemmaUK]

My POV for online pics of any kind is just be me.

 

I do wear make up - every day - but it's not drastic. I've had people look surprised when I talk about make up aside from mascara as they didn't think I wore any - men and women.

 

My weight - I'm a UK size 8-10 (I think that's a US 6-8?)

I always post up body shots on OLD so folk can see what I look like.

I have been asked a lot on OLD how much fatter I am since the pic - well I'm not any fatter actually - unless a plus or minus 7lbs is thinner or fatter as I eat what I want but never go above or below 7lbs difference. I can tell from my clothes when I'm gaining a little bit of weight so I will go easy for a bit.

Same the other way, I'll eat up a bit more when I feel my clothes getting looser.

 

These people who post pics that are not relevant to now absolutely know it.

All they are doing is hoping the pics draw you in and personality and possibly the other party's 'need/want' for a relationship overrides it.

 

For me - I would be mortified if someone didn't recognise me right away.

Even that guy I walked past - he sai he spotted me as soon as I walked in - he said he found it amusing that I walked around and didn't see him - ok....that might be because your pics were so very out of date!

[Gr8fuln2020]

Remarkably, I've only had one date where the lady did not look as expected. I didn't tell her that I was no longer interested b/c of her physical appearance and simply told her that I don't think we would be work out.

 

I am always wary of pics w/o FULL body shots. Usually selfies, but difficult to get a full shot of yourself that way, but a full body shot helps, of course. I find the labels 'average', 'fit', 'thin', 'athletic' to be too arbitrary now days.

[d0nnivain]

My 1st OLD date did this. He was actually about 50 pounds heavier & at least 10 years older than his photo. I didn't say anything about it but I was taken aback. At the end of the date I did clearly say that I did not want to see him again & that we did not have a future. I used those words. Unfortunately he didn't listen & I had to threaten him with a restraining order to make him go away.

[Shining One]

I've had quite a few women misrepresent their physical appearance both in person and on OLD over the years. The degrees of misrepresentation varied a lot, of course. I took each on a case by case basis, but I never revealed to the woman that her physical appearance was a deal-breaker. Like enigma said, it's so commonplace (at least around here), I've come to expect it to some degree.

[Chilli]

That's funny Gemma you use the exact same weight control system l use.

Nice and simple , just eat up or down when things are a bit tighter or looser. love it realizing l've lightened of a bit so l can pig out for awhile.

 

 

l had one girl, such a little cutie and l understand with this one but l had a bit of a chuckle to myself too.

She had on her thing, 4ft 11 or something like that. Well l absolutely loveeee short chicks so that wasn't a worry at all.

When l met her she was the cutest little thing l ever saw but l knew she was no 4' 11.

But it was so funny, stayed over her place a few nights and at first she said oh that was a typo l think l'm only about 4ft 8 or 9.

l knew she was even shorter than that and by the time l left a few days later she says, oh sh@t l remember now , l think l'm 4ft 6.

She was tiny , God l laughed.

Edited May 6, 2017 by Chilli

[Majormisstep]

It happened to me and I did the worst thing - ghost him.

 

His OLD pic was a head shot, nice suit, well groomed. Our first meeting was in a lounge where he was already seated at a tall table. Didn't stand up to greet me when I approached him which was fine. We agreed to go on a second date to a local festival. He arrived before me and was sitting on a park bench. To my surprise, he must have 150 lb overweight and could hardly hoist himself off the park bench. How I didn't see that at our first meeting I don't know. Anyway, this second date was awkward and I came up with a flimsy excuse to leave.

 

In hindsight, I should have thanked him for his time and said we were not a good match and wished him good luck in his search.