Partner out of town, visits ex lover, what do I do?!?

[emberglow]

Hi all..

 

I'm quite new to this site, but am in need of some advice on a situation.

 

My partner, Sarah, and I have been together for nearly two years. We have a very intimate and caring relationship, good communication, etc. We met through a former employer and hit it off incredibly well, and have developed the most intense, most meaningful relationship I've ever experienced. One unusual fact is that we have never spent more than a day apart during the entire time we've been together, so naturally our lives have become quite intertwined...

 

A bit more background about her.. Not long before we got together, when we were in the dating stage, she took a trip to visit family in another state. While she was there she met a friend, Mike, who she'd known for awhile, and to make a long story short they ended up having sex a couple times while she was there. She did tell me about it ahead of time, and when I asked if I could have any say in it she told me that she was interested in him and just curious how the two of them might hit it off. I was not at all happy about this, but as we were not in a committed relationship yet so it didn't feel like there was much I could do about it besides break it off with her (which I did not want to do.) She ended up deciding that she didn't want to be with him anyway and came home to me. I got over it and we moved on to develop this amazing relationship..

 

Recently her dad (part of that same group of family) called and asked her to come visit - he'd pay for the airfare. He has some issues with me, so he asked that I not come along. Naturally I was resentful for that, but she wanted quite badly to visit them and promised to talk to her dad about learning to accept me. So I hesitantly agreed to it. We discussed that I was not happy that she was going alone in light of what happened the last time she was there, and that I would like her to not "do anything" while she was gone. She agreed and said she had no intention of doing anything with anyone. I even bought us new phones so that we could stay in touch while she was there...

 

So here's the problem;

 

Sarah's gone up there and is having a great time with friends and family and such. Aside from the initial depression at her being away for the first time in our relationship, I'm doing okay. I admit to being a bit paranoid/jealous about her being there again, and I have told her as much. She tells me not to worry and that she will be fine and won't get into trouble, etc.

 

Today we spoke a couple times, and she told me to get out of the house (as I'd been sitting on the couch missing her since she'd left). She was going with a sister-in-law to swim at a nearby stream. As I was in dire need of a better mood I agreed and went to visit some friends of ours to hang out and just be around people.. We ended up deciding to go to a movie, so I called Sarah to let her know - she was just about to leave the stream and was happy that I was having fun. I told her I'd be going straight to work after the movie (I work graveyard shift) and she said she'd call afterward, and was about to head home. I went to the movie...

 

About halfway through, she sends a text message to me, saying she was going over to Mike's house, don't worry, and that she loves me. I was not at all happy about this, and couldn't believe that she would go over there alone, at 8pm, and not expect that to do something to me emotionally, but because I do trust her and believe that she wouldn't lie to me I wrote her back and said that I would be worrying and wished that she wouldn't go alone, but that I trusted her and to be safe. And I turned my attention back to the movie..

 

After it was over our friends brought me to work and I called Sarah before my shift started. When she answered I could tell she was in a car, which I assumed meant she was headed back home. When I asked her what she was doing, she said she was going with Mike to a local waterfall (which she'd spoken of earlier and said how she wanted to go because it is very beautiful.) Bear in mind this is at 10pm. She said it wouldn't be very pretty in the dark, but would be good to go anyway. I was silent for a moment, then told her that I'd had fun at the movie and was going to start working and that she needed to call me when she got back. She asked what was wrong and I told her "We need to talk. I'm not at all cool with this." And we said goodbye..

 

So now I'm sitting here at work wondering what the hell to think. On one hand I love her and trust that she would not do anything with this guy. On the other hand I have what happened last time she saw him, the fact that she went to visit him alone tonight, the fact that they went to a nice romantic waterfall in the dark together, etc. I am obviously having a problem with this whole thing, and now I'm wondering if I should be..

 

Questions; Is it fair of me to expect her to consider my emotional responses before doing something? Was it right of her to go over to this guy's house alone without so much as talking to me first? Am I wrong to have problems with her seeing him even though she promised to behave? Am I wrong to be upset that they went out to a waterfall like that? What am I feeling here - because it's like anger and sadness and hurt and jealousy all rolled together and I'm nearly paralyzed by it.

 

Please folks, give me advice here.. Am I totally wrong to be upset by this, or is it fair to be? I want to tell her that she cannot see Mike again, but I don't know if that's in my rights to do? I don't want to lose this girl - I have never been so happy as with her in my life - please help me to reconcile my feelings to reality!!

 

-Ember

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I don't think you need to be a rocket scientist to figure out what she is up to. If the roles were reversed I bet she would never accept this. Right before she meets you your girlfriend meets this guy and has a bunch of sexual encounters with him. You are in a committed relationship and ask her not to contact him when she visits her family. She immediately contacts him and goes to visit him at his house at 8pm and now they are driving to a beautiful waterfall at 10pm? You know they are in all likelihood going to have another sexual encounter. I think your girlfriend is incredibly disrespectful and hurtful to you. It sounds like she is very attractive to this guy and simply does not care what this is doing to you. I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship to a girlfriend who would play such games with you. Again if the roles were reversed, I doubt she would put up with it. I am afraid she is not the person you think she is. I wish you luck.

[upsetnhurt]

So sorry to hear that you have to go through this. Your story hits home as I dealt with the same situation recently and unfortunatley mine did not result in my g/f and I staying together. I for one can not say if in fact your g/f did anything with this guy while at the waterfall yet her actions indicate a bigger problem, one that you need to attack immediately and get resolution too. Two years is a long time to invest in someone and after that point you would hope that you have her complete respect. It does not seem to be the case here as she has obviously little care in how you feel about this situation. Sit her down and find out what her priorities are and then make your decisions from there. Ensure that she knows how hurt and angry you are. I just can't imagine what is going through her mind! She is certainly quite self-centered and you need to sit back and determine if that is a quality you are ready to accept for the long-term.

[emberglow]

First, thanks for the input and replies folks. I'm glad to see that I'm not totally out of line to be upset by this whole situation..

 

Since posting this originally I have spoken to Sarah about the events of tonight. She was initially rather put off that I was angry about it - saying that they're just friends and that she promised nothing would happen. I explained to her that I was having a lot of trouble dealing with her going to his house alone, and then to a waterfall in the middle of the night, and asked her if she didn't see how that could make me at least wonder what's going on between them..

 

She replied that she hadn't thought of it as romantic and didn't understand why I was upset. I explained that she shouldn't have gotten together with him alone without at least asking if I was okay with it first, that going to a waterfall at night alone like that was just not cool, and that there is no way for me to know what's going through her head so all I can do is worry and wonder and so on. It took quite a bit of explaining and arguing before she understood that my problem wasn't whether it was romantic, or whether they'd done anything together, but that she'd gone without at least asking if it was okay with me, and that their choice of destination was questionable at least.

 

She apologized for making me worry and upsetting me, and told me a story of what had happened while they were together. She said that she'd gone to his place, they' d had an awkward few moments at first and he'd suggested they get out of the house "just for something to do." She agreed and they just ended up going to the falls, where she says they walked up, checked it out, couldn't see much, and came back to his place where they spent the next hour or two just chatting like friends before she went back to her dad's house. Reading over it now there are plenty of potential times when they could have hooked up, but I am tending to believe her - if for no other reason than because I have no evidence to the contrary and I really don't want to become the jealous stalker spouse while she's gone...

 

So after the story was over I told her that I didn't want her to see him alone again while she's there. She was upset by this, as I think she still didn't quite feel like she'd done anything wrong, but she was willing not to see him for me. I felt some better about it then, and we went on chatting for awhile, but eventually the subject returned to Mike. Ultimately she later explained that the two of them are friends and she would like to at least be able to get together to chat with him again before she comes back. I wasn't very happy about it but I did agree that they could meet - only at a public place like a coffeeshop or diner or somesuch where there were other people about. It just seemed a fair compromise - she gets to talk with him again before she leaves, and I don't have to sit here wondering what they're up to together..

 

The truth of it is, I do believe her that she hasn't done anything with him. She not only promised that she wouldn't, but she has also never lied to me and I would like to think I know her well enough to be able to tell if she were to start now. Besides, I can't see what she would gain from it - she'd only be feeling guilty when she came back, which I would notice and her secret wouldn't last very long after that. No, I am convinced that she's not crossed that line at least.

 

My problem still lies with the fact that she went at all, or at the very least that she went without consulting me first. It really does seem that after two years together I would deserve that much at least. I really think if this happened with almost anyone else I would not have a problem with it, but given their history I just can't see how she would think that what she did wouldn't hurt me emotionally.. How can I get this across to her without alienating her any more than I seem to already have by having a problem with it at all? What can I say that will express how I'm feeling but not make her feel like I'm being controlling? Has anyone had any luck talking to their partner in a situation like this, and if so please share!!

[upsetnhurt]

No words of wisdom here for you. I too gave my ex the benefit of the doubt. She continued contact with her ex of four years even after he stalked us for a year and committed some minor violence to my property. When I asked her directly why the contact was needed I would be met with the response that it is simply some friendly banter......I chose to believe it and after much frustration she finally confessed that she still had feelings for him in one way or another, not to the extent that she wanted back with him yet to the extent that she needed to maintain that cord. Do yourself a favor and ask her directly what she wants out of this relationship with you. If both of you are dedicated to making it the very best.........her not communicating with this guy should not be a problem.

[New_Wife]

Ouch.

 

I think she understands perfectly well why this would upset you, or else she's a Special Ed flunkie. My dog would understand why this upset you.

 

She's playing dumb because for whatever the reason, her thoughts about this guy matter more than your feelings to her. Whether she bumped uglies with him or not, is really irrelevant at this point.

 

You are not wrong to expect that your feelings be considered - that's what a relationship is supposed to be about. I guess the question you might want to ask yourself is: if you were in her position - would you be able to do the same to someone you loved? If you don't like the answer - the follow up question might involve: does she really love YOU?

 

Sorry kiddo, not a whole lot of good in this situ.

[Bryanp]

Sorry but I agree with the other posters. One would have to be brain dead to think that this would not bother you. It is a total lack of respect. She was strongly sexual attracted to this guy and apparently had great sex with him previously when she started dating you.

Would you have done this if the roles were reversed and she asked you not to see her? My guess is that out of respect you would have said no.

 

Based on her timeline she went back to his house alone at midnight and talked for another two hours (?). Now she wants to see him again and talk. I see where this is heading. My guess is that they will communicate by email or something again and she will claim you are too controlling if you complain.

 

What she has done is a huge red flag in your relationship. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volume. I can't believe that after all of the pain that she gave you over this she still has to meet with him again. I think you are in denial if you think they just talked in the early morning in his house and new she has to talk to him again. This happened after she told you she would not meet him or be with him alone.

 

There is a huge problem in your relationship whether you wish to believe it or not. She has disrespected you and put this guy as a higher priority than you. What an amazing selfish behavior on her part. You can make as many execuses for her as you wish but the fact remains she deliberately made a choice to hurt you and disregard your feelings. You have very serious problems in your relationship whether you wish to acknowledge this or not.

[Sal Paradise]

90% chance something happened at that waterfall.

[upsetnhurt]

Emberglow,

 

Interested to know how you have handled this situation with your gf after thinking some more?

[Iluvsiamese]

I tend to agree with everyone else. One thing that is necessary here is for her to put herself into your position. She can understand your feelings if she so chooses, but she is denying this. It's kind of "if I won't look, then I won't be responsible" sort of attitude.

 

No one "needs" to talk to an ex. I'm sure that it's nice to be friends but under no circumstances should contact be sought out, unless there are children involved. Even then, that can be used as an excuse. The ONLY reason I have contact with my ex is because of my kids and I have to psyche myself up to call him. I would be perfectly happy if he moved to the other side of the solar system. I find it difficult to understand someone who professes that they love you and want to be with you, but insist on hanging on to a questionable relationship. I am currently dealing with something like that now--my guy has been divorced for nearly a decade and to my knowledge has had no contact with his ex, except in his mind. He talks about her daily, has kept many mementoes of his marriage (her crafts, her linens, his wedding ring etc.) even though he was in a long term relationship (which he rarely mentions) since his divorce and prior to meeting me. I have heard about their honeymoon, their parties, their friends, their pets, her kids (he still see one of them) and so on, ad infinitum. He got spificated a couple of months ago and went into full blown mourning for his marriage and stated that he loves her and is so sorry that he lost her. He has admitted that he realizes that he is on strike 3 with me and is afraid that he will lose me, but will not dispose of anything, and doesn't seem to be able to stop talking about her constantly. IMO, by focusing on his former marriage, he is keeping it alive. To top it off, he told me over the weekend that my problem with this is entirely my fault and he is in no way responsibly for making me feel insecure in this relationship. Hello??

 

The problem I see with you is that now you are only comfortable if you are controlling what she does and who she sees. I certainly understand this, but I can see this causing major problems down the road. Eventually, she will object to having to get permission from you for everything and will probably start to sneak.

 

If you truly believe her, try to relax about it and don't introduce the short leash. But do watch her behaviour. If she respects you, she will voluntarily be selective about who she sees, what she does and will give some thought to how you will feel about it. If she doesn't do this, then there is a bigger problem going on here. I would question her commitment to you as considering your feelings will not be an issue for her if she cares about you.

 

I hope that things work out.

[jmargel]

Morals are what you do when no one else is around. After she cheated on you with this guy she had the nerve to go back there and spend time with him?

 

Words are easy to come by, it's not hard to look you in the eye and say things you want to hear. She sounds VERY immature and hasn't received any consequences for her actions. She's not being truthful with you. She's toying with you to see how far you would bend. If she had ANY respect and love for you she would keep her distance from this other man.

 

I know it hurts to hear this, but good chance she cheated on you again. Actually she did even without having sex. Her spending time with this guy who has helped contribute in creating so many problems is cheating. She's an attention-getter. You are finding out the real her. Sorry this is happening you deserve better.

 

How can I get this across to her without alienating her any more than I seem to already have by having a problem with it at all? What can I say that will express how I'm feeling but not make her feel like I'm being controlling?

 

Anything you say will make her act like you are controlling, because she is being defensive. You telling her what you need from her is NOT controlling. This is called concern and respect. Don't roll over and piddle, you did it once before and she took advantage of you. Love must be tough and if she has a problem with your demands then she can leave. She needs to decide on what's more important you or this guy she slept with. This isn't just some old HS buddy, it was a guy she CHEATED on you with.

 

You want to trust her but all the signs are showing different. Follow your gut instinct.

[emberglow]

Well thanks again everyone for your thoughts and input. I do appreciate everyone's concern, but at the moment I just do not see enough solid evidence of cheating to accuse her of having done anything. I love this girl and she has never once given me cause to question her honesty - I really need some hard evidence before I would do so, and that is simply not there right now. There's more than enough for suspicion I'll admit, and I'll certainly be paying attention...

 

To Iluvsiamese, please understand that I do not control what she does and who she sees as you state. I have no problem with her doing whatever she pleases - In fact the two of us actually have an open relationship, however that has been suspended while she's out of town by our mutual agreement (hence the agreement to not fool around while she's gone.) Other than that, my only requirement of her was to avoid Mike, and that's due to the circumstances of their history. It's bad enough I got to be told I was second to this guy once, and now that she's back up there (and especially after what's happened) it's like reliving that time all over again. So sure, I didn't want her to see him for my own sake emotionally, but I hardly think that's overly controlling or out of line really.

 

I do agree that if she respects me she shouldn't have gone to visit him, much less go out like that. I think I need to pay a bit more attention to how her actions reflect on her feelings for me, as that's not really something I generally think about much until something big comes along like this. If there is a problem it will surely manifest itself in minor day-to-day stuff as well as the bigger choices like who her friends are and what they do together.

 

Once again, thanks everyone.. I'll of course be watching if anyone has anything more to add...

[jmargel]

Honestly Ember and this is only my opinion but 'open' relationships (I believe you mean swingers) are usually based on very, very solid relationships where trust is ALWAYS there. Personally IMO you two haven't been together long enough to dive safely into that area, especially since what she has done to you before.

 

You think she would stay with you if you told her no more open relationship? Something to really think about..

[Iluvsiamese]

she'd gone without at least asking if it was okay with me

 

Sorry, that gave me the impression that you were uncomfortable unless she checked in with you first. I agree with you that, given the history, she should have. What I wanted to make clear is that once something like this happens, you are often only comfortable if you are controlling events.

 

Wrt to having an "open" relationship, I think that you aren't being totally honest with yourself. It isn't really open, is it? Only when you are there. Unless you mean by "open" that you are both totally honest with each other? If this is it, be careful. Honesty is a great thing, but can sometimes be used as a weapon. It requires wisdom and kindness and without that, it can be nasty or thoughtless.