I went back to him for a brief moment in my.... What the hell was i thinking?!

[HeartbrokenDec29]

Okay, so i woke up this morning and said to myself. What the heck was i thinking dating xMM in the most laughable way?! Lol.

 

I had been the type of girl who when approached my a married man would tell them to go back to their wives and that i wasnt interested with no second thought.

 

I remember when i met him i was just 2months out of a relatiohsip with a single pyscho narcissist. I was healing but at the same time fine with being on my own. xMM will call and at the time i didnt know he was married. He later told me he was married and itold him we couldnt date and how against my values it was, he would talk trash about his wife and how much she could never change while i told him she could not have been that bad and that he should go back to her to work things out. I guess at that point in time i should have cut him off like i did other married men before him but i guess i was in a vulnerable state, lonely even though i hadnt realised and had not fully healed from the previous relationship so i let him stay around me thinking i could handle talking with him but not getting into a relationship with him.

 

Too many times i will tell him to work things out with his wife and even offer some advice and that he should be more romantic towards her, She couldnt have just turned bad all of a sudden.There must have been some things he had done along the way. My oh my! I didnt know i was setting myself up for the next 2 years of my life! I was about to go for a Rollercoaster ride not a level ground but on mount everest! Lol.

 

I remember how much My gut instints screamed at me and kept telling me the day i gave in and kissed him, "Girl you're going to be hurt in the end. I remember how i didnt listen to my gut but let my loneliness get the best of me. I remember all the so convincing promises an

 

I remember how he had sworn he was going to get a divorce while i just observed never telling him to do so.

 

I remember how he had planned in his own head, how his kids will be living with him and I and how against that i was. No woman will ever want her kids raised by another woman. What was I thinking, a man with 3 kids?!!

 

I remember he will tell me i wasnt acting like i was in ths for the long run. I remember how he made me tell my parents just to prove to him i really wanted to be with him even though i didnt.

 

I remember how after having sex, i will start crying and say we are doing the wrong thing and he will say i am making him feel guilty.

 

I remember how i will tell him we should stop and he will get into a fight with me and i stopped saying how i felt.

 

I remember how fit i was and 4 months into a relationship with him, i start adding weight and just lost control of my life emotionally and physically.

 

I remember how he came back to me saying well he wasnt getting a divorce for now cos he knows his wife will never change but just wanted to give it some time and that i should give it 2 years. I remember how i broke up and how he came back prostrating and begging.

 

I remember how angry and deceived i was, i remember how my mum discouraged me when i had first told her but i didnt listen.

 

I remember how i couldnt imagine dating someone else at the time cos its feels dirty. Having 2 people at the same time( i have always been a one relationship at a time person).

 

I remember how the relationship drove me crazy including wanting to jump out of a moving car after he blamed me for being the reason he wasnt giving his family attention.

 

I remember how i will help him financially to pay for his kids school fees and salary of his workers. Though he returned them with no interest but it was there for him when he needed it.

 

I remember how he rushed down to the icecream store just to see who i was with when i told him i was with a colleague. He thought i was on a date.

 

I remember how i tried committing suicide several times and at some point i started seeing a therapist.

 

I remember how he will say his wife wanted his downfall and didnt want to see him grow and was okay if he was poor.

 

I remember how he will tell me about his wifes family landed property and how he had so much plans for it to turn it to a cemetery... I look back and realise all the women he told me about, he was gaining something from them financially. I remember how he had told me about the married women he had slept with and how they helped him business wise.

 

I remember how he will tell me i had no control. Meanwhile it was hm and the relationshp driving me crazy. I was doing something totally against my values. there was bound to be a clash between my actions and values

 

I remember how one of my 2016 new year resolution was to break out of my unhealthy relatioship with him

 

I remember how i told him he was pushing me to the wall and the day i reached my boiling point i will never look back

 

i remember how i had told him 4months before dday i was done and he should never contact me again. I block his lines but forgot to block one. he reached out on my birthday after 2months on NC and i thought i could be mature and treat him casually!

 

I remember how during NC had started reading the bible and begged God that I wanted to stay NC forever. And for whatever reason if i ever was week and got bk with him. God should break it off by any means.

 

I remember how i promised my God. I will never date a married man and even for single guys i wanted to remain celibate until marriage and he should strengthen me.

 

I remember how after 2 months of NC i was feeling better, happier with myself started seeing my life without him. i remember how he came begging again for almost 3 weeks saying he had changed and he has seen the wrongs in his ways and that he was sorry. i remember how i told him i accept his apology but we could never date again and we could just be friends. oh boy another mistake!

 

I remember how stupid i was to entertain seeing him just in the name of being mature. I remember how we talked and i told him i Was truly done. I remember when he asked that will i be okay if he dated someone else and i told him i will prefer he stuck to his wife but if he wanted to date someone else that was his problem.

 

I remember how i told him, i was in a good place and my life was always better when he wasnt there. My head was right and things went on well for me and if i met a single guy and we were compatible i will date the guy.

 

I remember a day when he told me, i deserve a man that will treat me bad and not one who loves me all because we had an argument. how can you say that to someone. Despite this i never wished his relationship with his wife will ever go bad.

 

i remember how he will drag on with fights anytime i apologized just so we dont argue. I remember him always happy to see me down.

 

i remember how he lovebombarded me and started pleading and trying to be more loving. I remember telling him that when it came to him something always comes up. There is either one drama or the other and that i was done. I remember how he promised he will make things right.

 

I remember how he will cry on the phone and constantly tell me of the thought he had of killing his wife while i told him to pray against such. i remember how he will cry and tell me he never wanted to marry his wife but his parent convinced him to marry her and that she had lied when they were dating that she was pregnant only to come back 3 months later and say she had a miscarriage (during this time he was married to his first wife).

 

I remember how he told me the story of how his first wife had reigned abuses on his current wife and how the first wife had slapped her.

 

I also remember that the first day after NC of 2months that i agreed to meet up with him , i had a near death experience. A car heading towards me crashed into a tricycle on my lane. There was a voice in my head saying this is just a warning for you. i could take your life in a twinkle of an eye. keep your promise to me. But Nay i was so stupid and didnt listen to my inner instinct.

 

i remember telling and reminding him, he was a married man and i ddnt want that anymore. I remember telling him all the trouble he brought wasnt worth it. All i got was pain and heartache.

 

I remember the day i got sucked back in again and we had sex and felt like i had betrayed myself while he was so excited to have me back ( iguess he got an ego boost). i remember how God reminded me this isnt what you promised me but i tried to put that at the back of my mind.

 

I remember for some reason i had asked him if his wife was pregnant in July 2016 and he had lied she wasnt. Only to tell me she was in Dec, i remember how i felt when he told me his wife was pregnant. I remember him telling me how angry he was about it (which his wife also validated on DDay) but at the same time how he wanted me to have a child for him and i said NEVER! i didnt want to ever bea single parent. (Things like this made me see him for who he really was).I can only imagine how horrible my life will be now if i had allowed myself to get pregnant for him(even though i was stupid in all other areas im glad i wasnt stupid in that), All my goals will go down the drain and my life will have taken a dramatic turn.

 

I remember him saying well, when will his wife not find out about his other children with other women. So he was okay with me getting pregnant,(Things like this made me see him for who he really was as i was getting out of the fog).

 

I remember how he told me he was born again and that he wasnt breaking up with me and he valued our friendship and will still want to keep meeting up.

 

I remember how i told him he was an hypocrite and a liar and if he was truly repentant he will cut off all contact with me and let me go. He wouldnt even suggest us having lunch and t just meant he will still keep lieing to his wife.

 

I remember how angry I was when he was trying to justiify Gods mercy of forgiveness of sin as a means to still keeping contact and having lunch and still seeing me. that really Got me angry cos i know we had both sinned but using and twisting Gods words was another height. Even though im a sinner, I gotta recognize that God is not someone you play with.

 

I remember him telling me he was going to tell his wife and tell his wife he still wanted to be friends with me. I remember feeling so disgusted and realised this guy never respected anyone but was so selfish. ( i definitely was not about to be strung along again). I remember realizing how much i had enabled this man and how much he wanted me to keep enabling him.

 

I remember him still trying to justify that he was in his marriage cos of his kids and that he is only doing this cos God called him. (Now im not saying this aint true but i v seen this guy take so many irrational decisions based on how he feels and not the fact that he will keep up with it). i remember knowing that this whole thing he was dong was cos he was at a low point in his life, his business wasnt going so well, he was in alot of debt and wanted to sell landed property, he had seen that i wasnt given him 100% of the affection and my mind wasnt into the relationship anymore which he told me before. i had been previously cos i was coming out of the fog but not entirely out.

 

I remember him telling me, if i told his wife that there will be no going back. I remember i was so determined cos i wanted the No going back so much and so glad it happened.

 

I remember telling his wife and how much he still kept lieing to her in my presence thinking i will back him up but i just didnt say a word cos i wasnt about to enable more lieing. I remember her being graceful and asking i forgive him. I remember how humbling that experience was for me!.

 

Finally, i remember how resolved I have been in keeping no contact and how happy i have been ever since (not that i dont have periods where i am so angry at him or my self, but this has reduced drastically). I remembered all of this and had a good laugh for about 2mins on how stupid and gullible i had been but how i must forgive myself for enabling this man! That chapter of my life is closed and it is always going to stay that way. Any other possible chapters with married men will never be written, that door will never be opened.

 

I remember realizing i let my loneliness get me into a relationship wrong for me even though i thought i was grounded in my resolve not to date married men. I had a moment of weakness which caused me 2 years and 3 months of hell in my life. I realized i didnt exactly allow myself to fully heal and be okay with being on my own after my relationship with a narcissist. Even at the time when i had thought that i needed no one, me accepting a relationship with xMM made me realise i was looking for validation but now i know that "Only you can validate yourself".

 

Things have been going on so well in my life, i feel happy, i feel like i can do anything! Its like a light bulb has been turned on. My real self is in full gear achieving so many goals i set aside for the past 2 and a half years.

 

Everytime, i think of him now. I feel like good ridance. Thank God i dodged that bullet! It was by Gods hands. Not saying he is a bad person but he wasnt a good person for me and to me! I wish him Goodluck but not at least anywhere close to me! I can only imagine what his wife went through living with all this craziness and im glad he is back to her. Whether or not he faces his personal issues i really dont care. He said worse things about his own wife, he will definetly talk trash about me and i really dont care cos a coward will always blame everyone else except themselves.

 

Its been 4 months of NC, I believe its always going to be this way because im dedicated to it. I also believe his ego and fear will work for my good this time and he will keep away. He can move on to his other women or do whatever the hell he likes but there is no space for him in this part of the world anymore.

 

I am willing to do the work until i am comfortable being on my own. Until i know how to love myself well enough that i do not let any external persons perception or values trump mine. I also think this is very important before i get into any relationship with a single guy.

Hell, im enjoying being on my own right now but not fully at rest with it .

 

I look at the mirror everyday while working on my flaws and realize how beautiful I am and how much I need to price myself more as someone worthy! I realize how much i didnt need so much stress to be validated, i could have done that all on my own by myself.

 

I have reconnected with friends again, loving the people around me more, back to getting fit and losing weight and i realise my parents want the best for me than the fantasy i tried to believe.

 

If you are an OW currently or xOW, please know you are worthy of being loved by a stable person. Sometimes, when we are vulnerable we see the crumbs as a whole pie and thats just a lie. Dont be like my old self, listen to your instincts to leave such relationship. You deserve the Whole pie from someone who is available.

 

Remember to Forgive yourself as i am learning to do so with myself. Dont make the same mistakes.

 

If you meet a married man, let them go and clean up their mess and be officially divorced. Dont even try to be friends with them during the whole process. If his relationship is so bad with his wife, let him man up and get a divorce..

 

What an interesting morning, It feels good to laugh about this chapter of my life. There is this joy i feel knowing its over! i cant describe it but i thank God for it!

 

What the hell was i thinking dating this man?! Lmao

 

Just hang on and love yourself.

[lostgirl87]

Wow. Bless your heart for having gone through that! So many of the stories I read here are shocking. I can't believe what some men are capable of. But I'm so glad you were able to get out. You definitely dodged a bullet. He sounds like someone who could never be faithful or have any empathy for someone else.

 

I'm glad you're focused on a better, happier, healthier you. The worst part of an affair, at least for me, was forgetting about myself. You have to go out of your comfort zone and mold yourself to MM's schedule and lifestyle that over time, you stop thinking or taking care of yourself. I know that I've lost a part of myself. There was a lot of stuff going on in my life at the time but I know the affair had a great part in that. Now, even though my healing is just beginning, I feel like myself again. A few months ago I didn't have that strength and confidence that I've always had. Which is why I couldn't end it. But I've got it now. And I'm on my way to happiness.

 

Again, I'm so happy for you! It sounds like you went through an extremely difficult relationship. One that could break anyone. You must be proud of yourself, your resilience and your strength. Wish you all the best!

[Noideanow]

Couldnt help but think you have that typical female approach, guilt and go home and Work it out, were you actually ("unconciously") trying to manipulate him to Be with you--i wonder because i loved a man with This same mentality\talk, its dangerous because the other person gets scared and know they cant trust them because They dont go for what they want:love: why feel so guilty for being in love? Noway no arguments Can Tell me thats right, but i Can relate to protecting yourself and not getting involved with someone until they Are divorced:) Now your on the other side and wiser and One day soon love Will knock on your door, wish you all the best:)

[elaine567]

Truth is you weren't thinking.

 

He, like so many MM here, came into your life when you were at a low ebb, when you were vulnerable, when you were borderline "sane" after your experience with your "psycho narcissistic" ex, when you were lonely and in need of "help"...

[jah526]

Truth is you weren't thinking.

 

He, like so many MM here, came into your life when you were at a low ebb, when you were vulnerable, when you were borderline "sane" after your experience with your "psycho narcissistic" ex, when you were lonely and in need of "help"...

 

Almost seems like they have some kind of radar for vulnerability.

[freengreen]

So much to say isnt it? .

 

Its like a bad journey. Makes us wonder why we even chose it. Well, glad that you are off it. I am sure you will have many beautiful journeys ahead ( unlike this one) and its memory will slowly fade away.

 

Takecare

[elaine567]

Almost seems like they have some kind of radar for vulnerability.

 

It may be, or perhaps they just find success in such women.

Strong, stable, mentally healthy women do not want to get involved with a MM, as they know an affair is all about trouble with a capital T.

They tell him to go back to his wife, they do not give him an "in", so he has to try his luck elsewhere.

They do not desperately NEED the ego boost, they are not vulnerable or lonely, they can thus say "Thanks, but no thanks."

[jah526]

It may be, or perhaps they just find success in such women.

Strong, stable, mentally healthy women do not want to get involved with a MM, as they know an affair is all about trouble with a capital T.

They tell him to go back to his wife, they do not give him an "in", so he has to try his luck elsewhere.

They do not desperately NEED the ego boost, they are not vulnerable or lonely, they can thus say "Thanks, but no thanks."

 

You may be right about that. I know when I met mine he was "fishing". He told me himself that one woman he invited to join him in an outside activity asked him if his wife was going to be there too. He told me about this because he was offended, or pretending to be. In hindsight, that lady had the right response. I didn't, for the record, and that's how it all started.

 

I think he's getting smarter though. He doesn't wear his ring when he works out (claims it chafes when he lifts weights). So the next one is probably not even going to know until it's too late.

[FoundMyStrength]

It may be, or perhaps they just find success in such women.

Strong, stable, mentally healthy women do not want to get involved with a MM, as they know an affair is all about trouble with a capital T.

They tell him to go back to his wife, they do not give him an "in", so he has to try his luck elsewhere.

They do not desperately NEED the ego boost, they are not vulnerable or lonely, they can thus say "Thanks, but no thanks."

 

Although as you point out above, women can go through low points in their life, times when they are particularly vulnerable to this. Even strong, sane, capable women. And Jah is right, it is like MM sense that vulnerability.

 

I don't discount any of my choices or actions, but I was trying very hard to set boundaries and express my discomfort with the increasing closeness. And he just kept at it -- staring, coming into my office, discussing personal things, minimizing my concerns about coworkers getting the wrong impression -- eventually breaking the final barrier to tell me he loved me. I'm a strong woman, but I was at a low point in my life, and he pushed and pushed and pushed until he got his way. As a friend put it to me once: "The reason he told you he loved you is that he knew you were a good person. He knew that the only thing that might tempt you to do anything this awful would be love."

 

Having never been in that situation before, I went down the slippery slope toward "friendship", not knowing how steep and slippery it was. Affairs, at least emotional ones, are not a single insane choice, they're a series of really awful misjudgments and miscalculations. Hindsight is 20/20. Now I know what to do to protect myself in the future.

[elaine567]

Although as you point out above, women can go through low points in their life, times when they are particularly vulnerable to this. Even strong, sane, capable women.

I 100% agree. I do not think that OW are somehow weak or inferior or unstable or not sane.

 

I think that any woman is capable of hitting low points in her life and when she does, she is vulnerable to all sorts of "bad" relationships.

[Ahurtgirl]

Loneliness is what caused my affair. Now that my life has become much more active and social, I couldn't imagine having the desire to be involved with a MM.

Edited May 6, 2017 by Ahurtgirl

[sandylee1]

This thing called 'love' can be very dangerous when it becomes crazy and obsessive.

 

It makes some people do really crazy things. It somehow blinds you to what is staring you in face, because I can't imagine why else you'd even be a friend of someone who discussed killing his wife...

 

He's just a serial cheat who will be one till the end of his days.

 

I hope the future is brighter for you and that you stay true to yourself.

[jah526]

Thank you Heartbroken for this post. It inspired me to write down all the hurtful things MM said and did to me, so I can keep it for future reference when I'm feeling drawn back to him.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

Wow. Bless your heart for having gone through that! So many of the stories I read here are shocking. I can't believe what some men are capable of. But I'm so glad you were able to get out. You definitely dodged a bullet. He sounds like someone who could never be faithful or have any empathy for someone else.

 

I'm glad you're focused on a better, happier, healthier you. The worst part of an affair, at least for me, was forgetting about myself. You have to go out of your comfort zone and mold yourself to MM's schedule and lifestyle that over time, you stop thinking or taking care of yourself. I know that I've lost a part of myself. There was a lot of stuff going on in my life at the time but I know the affair had a great part in that. Now, even though my healing is just beginning, I feel like myself again. A few months ago I didn't have that strength and confidence that I've always had. Which is why I couldn't end it. But I've got it now. And I'm on my way to happiness.

 

Again, I'm so happy for you! It sounds like you went through an extremely difficult relationship. One that could break anyone. You must be proud of yourself, your resilience and your strength. Wish you all the best!

Thank you, its still a journey but i have arrived at the first spot. i pray the same for you.We all deserve happiness whether its being on our own or with someone. I believe this experience helped me to know more about my weaknesses and things i need to consciously work on. Being more of a giver and wanting to ensure people are okay and happy at my expense is part of it. That definitely needs to change and im on my way.

 

Like you said forgetting yourself is the hardest part of these affairs. All focus is directed to the MM. I stopped being social and could move around with my friends cos i had to tailor my time to his. The funniest thing was even though i was hurt cos of the back and forth. i think i was just so tired of all the lies ,hiding around and even in my pain and i knew there was nothing worth fighting for cos all i got was pain and lies plus he wasn't my husband, he is someones husband.

 

In the back of my mind, My brain in some way knew it was best to cut it off completely or else it would have continued. I just never had any second thought of trying to keeping him around. It was pointless. I didn't see any value he added to my life. It was a sinking hole even if he did, he still wasn't mine.

 

I think one of the reasons why it seems a bit easier for me to move on is cos i had decided in Aug 2016 that it was over and i had started seeing my life without him which i told him and that if i found a single guy i am open to dating. So all of this he did to me was surely cos he knew my focus had shifted and he was no longer the center of my affection. he just wanted to be seen as the one who got me back and then broke it off cos i had injured his ego before we got back together,so he needed an ego boost. i doubt he expected me to react the way i did. He believed i will always take whatever **** he brings.

 

You will surely get there. Just think of you first. Give it time. You are worthy.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

Couldnt help but think you have that typical female approach, guilt and go home and Work it out, were you actually ("unconciously") trying to manipulate him to Be with you--i wonder because i loved a man with This same mentality\talk, its dangerous because the other person gets scared and know they cant trust them because They dont go for what they want:love: why feel so guilty for being in love? Noway no arguments Can Tell me thats right, but i Can relate to protecting yourself and not getting involved with someone until they Are divorced:) Now your on the other side and wiser and One day soon love Will knock on your door, wish you all the best:)

Not at all. The funniest thing is i had always encouraged him to go work things out with his wife. i never vividly imagined a life with him even though it was planted in my subconscious by all the ideas he had. That is why when he offered friendship, i refused cos there is no way I will be his friend and he will have a total commitment to repairing his marriage. i recall he had told me when i broke up with him and we were in NC for about 2months that his life was hell boring and it was like he was waking up every day with really no purpose, no excitement or anything to look forward to. So i guess i was an ego boost for him.

 

After doing some soul searching it became obvious to me that at the time i really didn't know what i wanted cos i was so messed up emotionally from my last relationship. I'm just glad that chapter of my life is closed.

 

If i see him anywhere near my vicinity, ama become the female version of Usain Bolt and leave speed marks... loool.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

So much to say isnt it? .

 

Its like a bad journey. Makes us wonder why we even chose it. Well, glad that you are off it. I am sure you will have many beautiful journeys ahead ( unlike this one) and its memory will slowly fade away.

 

Takecare

So much to say and so much to be grateful for!

[Vivir]

Its like a bad journey. Makes us wonder why we even chose it. Well, glad that you are off it.

 

When my feelings toward xMM began to change, I imagined myself driving down a two-lane highway as if it were the only direction I could go in. As I came upon a cross street, I imagined myself turning onto it, backing across the two-lane and turning around and going in the direction in which I had come. It was like I had said to myself, OK this is far enough on this road... time to go back. It really sucks to bring this kind of thing into our lives, only to have to heal ourselves before we can really move on. The only part that I am excited about is moving forward with better knowledge and better boundaries.. and living my life for myself again.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

I remember when I first posted on this site, fresh from heartbreak and told my story. How some other posters were so critical of action and trying to slander instead of giving support. I remember how I asked on how I could handle or be prepared if the mm ever came back and people questioned why I wanted to know and how obvious it was i wanted to go back. Well, this post is for the OW and xOW who are still struggling, this is to let you know you are stronger than you think and you are not alone. You deserve better.

 

The ex MM called me in the beginning of this month with another number. When I realised it was him, at first I was so furious and was caught in between being so rude and telling him to f**k off but then that is too much energy to give to someone who meant nothing to me anymore and then so he started by saying could I remember after dday when I wanted to apologize to him and how he didn’t listen and I responded and said that never happened and I never wanted to apologize to him for any reason or perhaps he was imagining stuff now. I asked what he wanted and he went ahead and said he was calling to apologize to me for all the hurt and bad things he ever did to me and I should find it in my heart to forgive him. He wanted to know how I was doing.

 

I told him I have moved and my wellbeing was not his concern but as he can hear me over the phone, I’m doing fantastically well. He started making small talk and I told him I am not interested and I have heard everything he had to say and dropped the call and blocked that number too. I was so disgusted and coward kept reeling in my mind. He probably has started having issues with his marriage again or financial problems and is trying to test the waters but doesn’t understand that this lady over here is so strong now, I ain’t got time for dead weight.

It shows how much disrespect he has for his wife. Born again indeed!! Whether he apologizes to me or to God, he never should have called because I didn’t need his apology, I have moved on.

 

If he ever does call which I know he will, I wouldn’t be so tolerant but savage. I don’t understand who they think they are by just showing up in your life anytime they feel like it after one has moved on. This time no way! I am doing great and have been at peace these past months (18months). I never knew I could be this happy and strong even without being in a relationship with a single guy.

 

These affairs take more from you than they can ever give anything positive. Make that choice for you today and leave that married man. Make that choice to be healthy mentally or psychologically and emotionally. These men are running from themselves and the problems in their life just the way they will run from you if they marry you.

 

You can be strong and break the unhealthy pattern. I wish you all exiting OW and xOW lots of love and luck.:love:

 

N:B: Sorry for the long read:rolleyes: