I cannot trust my wife anymore

[John Moriarty]

Me and my wife's very complex marriage, and the events which have led to complete distrust, apologies for the length.

 

Me and my wife have been together for almost 10 years. Two months ago, she started acting highly suspicious and was very protective of her phone. As a result I started to become quite insecure and anxious that she was cheating. One night, I grabbed her phone from under her pillow and read pages upon pages of extremely explicit messages that I'm not even going to repeat here. The messages detailed all of the sexual things her (26) and a much younger guy (17) had done together and how she couldn't wait to do even more kinky sexual stuff with him. Sex without a condom was indicated, and she even sent him a photo of her skirt with semen all over it with laughing emojis. She is not on the pill and we never have sex without a condom.

 

We ended up trying to work through it for two reasons.

 

The first, I had been unhappy all of last year as she spent very little time with me, with her priorities being work and her friends. As a result, I myself was unfaithful, and kissed around seven girls on seven different periods throughout the year while extremely intoxicated, and also engaged in second base with some of them. She knew none of this until I told her after I found out about her affair.

 

The second, which is a pretty poor excuse but her excuse nonetheless, was that she had only ever had sex with me, and it was tearing her up inside that she had never experienced it with anyone else before. I had - once before our relationship and once in the middle during a break up.

 

She said that it was completely out of her system, so we decided to push through it. We went to three marriage counselling sessions and even booked an amazing tropical holiday to help mend the marriage.

 

I thought the counselling and the trip was really helping us and we were moving past the affairs.

 

Now the reason for my post. She was acting suspicious the other night and drove off so I did find my iPhone on her account. Her phone was at a beach when she said she was picking up a drunk girl mate from somewhere else. I drove to the beach, found her car, and there was a guy in the passenger seat who looked the same as the guy she cheated on me with, but was a different guy. I ended up seeing red and beat the **** out of him.

 

She insists he is just a mate who works at her local coffe shop near work, but I found out she had been messaging him behind my back and deleting the evidence. I messaged him off her phone asking if he liked me (my wife) and he said of course. I was so upset when I got back home.

 

We talked all of the next day about lying and deception, she said she would change and never do it or message him again (she lies so much, even about small insignificant things to her best friends). Then yesterday evening I caught her messaging him again flirting. I am almost having panic attacks and don't know what to do anymore. She is a pathological liar and I don't think I can ever trust her again.

 

She is the only partner I have ever had, and I am terrified of leaving her and being alone. I am definitely not perfect, given my own indiscretions. This year I have completely turned a corner and have not been unfaithful, which I keep being reminded is no great achievement, which I agree with whole heartedly.

 

What i do know is that I show more love for her on a daily basis that I can explain, I tell her she is beautiful every day, we laugh so much together, we have great sex, and enjoy each other's company. It's the lies and deception that is tearing me apart inside, and after catching her out at the beach the other night, I don't think I can ever trust her again.

 

Your advice and input on the situation will be greatly appreciated.

[Marc878]

Me and my wife's very complex marriage, and the events which have led to complete distrust, apologies for the length.

 

Me and my wife have been together for almost 10 years. Two months ago, she started acting highly suspicious and was very protective of her phone. As a result I started to become quite insecure and anxious that she was cheating. One night, I grabbed her phone from under her pillow and read pages upon pages of extremely explicit messages that I'm not even going to repeat here. The messages detailed all of the sexual things her (26) and a much younger guy (17) had done together and how she couldn't wait to do even more kinky sexual stuff with him. Sex without a condom was indicated, and she even sent him a photo of her skirt with semen all over it with laughing emojis. She is not on the pill and we never have sex without a condom.

 

Get checked for STD's you don't know where this guys been or your wife for that matter

 

We ended up trying to work through it for two reasons.

 

The first, I had been unhappy all of last year as she spent very little time with me, with her priorities being work and her friends. As a result, I myself was unfaithful, and kissed around seven girls on seven different periods throughout the year while extremely intoxicated, and also engaged in second base with some of them. She knew none of this until I told her after I found out about her affair.

 

Not even close to what she's been up to. You're making excuses to do nothing

 

The second, which is a pretty poor excuse but her excuse nonetheless, was that she had only ever had sex with me, and it was tearing her up inside that she had never experienced it with anyone else before. I had - once before our relationship and once in the middle during a break up.

 

Nothing special. Just your average run of the mill cheater

 

She said that it was completely out of her system, so we decided to push through it. We went to three marriage counselling sessions and even booked an amazing tropical holiday to help mend the marriage.

 

Lies. She's playing you

 

I thought the counselling and the trip was really helping us and we were moving past the affairs.

 

Now the reason for my post. She was acting suspicious the other night and drove off so I did find my iPhone on her account. Her phone was at a beach when she said she was picking up a drunk girl mate from somewhere else. I drove to the beach, found her car, and there was a guy in the passenger seat who looked the same as the guy she cheated on me with, but was a different guy. I ended up seeing red and beat the **** out of him.

 

They weren't there listening to the waves and the radio.

 

She insists he is just a mate who works at her local coffe shop near work, but I found out she had been messaging him behind my back and deleting the evidence. I messaged him off her phone asking if he liked me (my wife) and he said of course. I was so upset when I got back home.

 

Typical serial cheater story. Nothing special here.

 

We talked all of the next day about lying and deception, she said she would change and never do it or message him again (she lies so much, even about small insignificant things to her best friends). Then yesterday evening I caught her messaging him again flirting. I am almost having panic attacks and don't know what to do anymore. She is a pathological liar and I don't think I can ever trust her again.

 

Cheaters lie a lot. She's playing you because you're easily played. You only know the "tip of the iceberg".

 

She is the only partner I have ever had, and I am terrified of leaving her and being alone. I am definitely not perfect, given my own indiscretions. This year I have completely turned a corner and have not been unfaithful, which I keep being reminded is no great achievement, which I agree with whole heartedly.

 

Your codependency allows you to be walked on and this won't stop

 

What i do know is that I show more love for her on a daily basis that I can explain, I tell her she is beautiful every day, we laugh so much together, we have great sex, and enjoy each other's company. It's the lies and deception that is tearing me apart inside, and after catching her out at the beach the other night, I don't think I can ever trust her again.

 

Ah yes and she plays and takes advantage of you every chance she gets

 

Your advice and input on the situation will be greatly appreciated.

 

This is nothing special it happens all the time. You are looking for some magic to fix this but there isn't any.

 

Until you wake up and fix yourself this will be your life. She's shown you who she is more than once but you refuse to believe her.

 

You are more of a problem than she is. No one who respects themselves would put up with this. You can't fix her but you'd better fix yourself if you'd like to have a good future and life.

 

No ones going to do that for you. Perhaps when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you'll get out of your denial.

[deadsoul]

Me and my wife's very complex marriage, and the events which have led to complete distrust, apologies for the length.

 

Me and my wife have been together for almost 10 years. Two months ago, she started acting highly suspicious and was very protective of her phone. As a result I started to become quite insecure and anxious that she was cheating. One night, I grabbed her phone from under her pillow and read pages upon pages of extremely explicit messages that I'm not even going to repeat here. The messages detailed all of the sexual things her (26) and a much younger guy (17) had done together and how she couldn't wait to do even more kinky sexual stuff with him. Sex without a condom was indicated, and she even sent him a photo of her skirt with semen all over it with laughing emojis. She is not on the pill and we never have sex without a condom.

 

We ended up trying to work through it for two reasons.

 

The first, I had been unhappy all of last year as she spent very little time with me, with her priorities being work and her friends. As a result, I myself was unfaithful, and kissed around seven girls on seven different periods throughout the year while extremely intoxicated, and also engaged in second base with some of them. She knew none of this until I told her after I found out about her affair.

 

The second, which is a pretty poor excuse but her excuse nonetheless, was that she had only ever had sex with me, and it was tearing her up inside that she had never experienced it with anyone else before. I had - once before our relationship and once in the middle during a break up.

 

She said that it was completely out of her system, so we decided to push through it. We went to three marriage counselling sessions and even booked an amazing tropical holiday to help mend the marriage.

 

I thought the counselling and the trip was really helping us and we were moving past the affairs.

 

Now the reason for my post. She was acting suspicious the other night and drove off so I did find my iPhone on her account. Her phone was at a beach when she said she was picking up a drunk girl mate from somewhere else. I drove to the beach, found her car, and there was a guy in the passenger seat who looked the same as the guy she cheated on me with, but was a different guy. I ended up seeing red and beat the **** out of him.

 

She insists he is just a mate who works at her local coffe shop near work, but I found out she had been messaging him behind my back and deleting the evidence. I messaged him off her phone asking if he liked me (my wife) and he said of course. I was so upset when I got back home.

 

We talked all of the next day about lying and deception, she said she would change and never do it or message him again (she lies so much, even about small insignificant things to her best friends). Then yesterday evening I caught her messaging him again flirting. I am almost having panic attacks and don't know what to do anymore. She is a pathological liar and I don't think I can ever trust her again.

 

She is the only partner I have ever had, and I am terrified of leaving her and being alone. I am definitely not perfect, given my own indiscretions. This year I have completely turned a corner and have not been unfaithful, which I keep being reminded is no great achievement, which I agree with whole heartedly.

 

What i do know is that I show more love for her on a daily basis that I can explain, I tell her she is beautiful every day, we laugh so much together, we have great sex, and enjoy each other's company. It's the lies and deception that is tearing me apart inside, and after catching her out at the beach the other night, I don't think I can ever trust her again.

 

Your advice and input on the situation will be greatly appreciated.

 

I didn't see where you are from, but isn't there a legal issue here? Her boy toy is under 18.

 

Definitely get checked for STD's. You said she's a pathological liar, so... you have to decide whether you can live with that or not. I wouldn't trust her.

 

Work on you. Being terrified of being alone is not enough reason to stay with someone. And you stepped out with 7 different women, even if it was just kissing and second base (what is second base again?). That doesn't justify her actions, but you both do not seem ready to be in a relationship together at this point.

 

More counseling needed here. Take care.

[BaileyB]

Considering your history together, I'm surprised that their one of you feels that they can trust the other anymore. This is dysfunction at its best.

[WilyWill]

Very few people in here will be able to understand why you want to stay with her. She clearly wants to sleep with other men and has little respect for you or your marriage. She sees that you'll let her continue to get away with it. This causes her to respect you even less and further damages your chances for reconciliation.

 

If you want to stand any chance for reconciliation (although I can't imagine why you would want to), you need to file for divorce and really mean it. Maybe if she really believes she's going to lose you, she might have some epiphany. But how could you ever trust her again? How could she ever trust you again?

 

And why are you worried about being alone? You're a young man in a sea of single young women. Most of those are good women who would never cheat on you.

 

Whatever you do, do not sleep with her. You have no idea what you'll catch, and you definitely don't want to be tied together forever with a child.

[oldshirt]

Once you develop yourself as a man and as a person enough, you will not fear being unattached so much that you yoke yourself to a toxic person.

 

She is a lier and a cheater and untrustworthy person, but the reason you continue to expose yourself to her and allow her to make you miserable is do to your own feelings of inadequacy and dependence.

 

Develop yourself as a man and you will not fear ridding yourself of people who disrespect you and bring you anguish.

[somanymistakes]

She's going through something right now where she wants to throw over her old life and do stupid things she never did before.

 

You are part of that old life.

 

No matter what you say to her right now, she is seeing you as the obstacle holding her back from having fun and finding herself. She's not sorry about hurting you, she's only sorry when she gets caught.

 

Unless she, on her own, has a realisation of just how much she's throwing away, nothing you say to her is going to get through to her.

 

She is not being your wife at all right now. You say you're terrified of losing her but right now you've already lost her because the wife you loved isn't there at all, now.

[CM71]

Sorry to be so blunt but your wife is not trustworthy and has shown complete disrespect for you and herself. I would move on. You will thank yourself later.

[bubbaganoosh]

Why are you so afraid of being alone and with out her? Granted your track record isn't so hot either but at least you fessed up and admitted to it. She on the other hand is handing you a line of BS and you taking it by the spoonful.

 

Time to wise up and face your fears. You'll find out that being without her isn't as frightening as you make it out to be. At least you'll be able to have a less complicated life without worring about her and her cheating.

 

You gave her the chances she needed to make it right and she failed both times. I think it would be much more scary sticking around with a woman who not only disrespects you by cheating but to make it worse wont use protection. That should tell you where you stand with her so now you tell me. You ready for a STD of some kind? A baby that may not be yours in the future. No sleep? Always wondering where she is and what she's doing? Now that's what you should be afraid of, not being alone.

 

Time to wise up and point to the door. One other thing, you beat the hell out of a guy who took what was given to him. He didn't threaten her, put a gun to her head, do bodily harm to her, She willingly gave and he took what was there so why is it that your ready to keep this woman whose a loser (sorry) and knock the hell out of the other guy.

 

Cut her loose before it gets worse and your really in a deep hole.

[usa1ah]

You will be ok if you divorce your so called wife. Divorce and move on. I would say more but I prefer not to get banned again so soon.

 

Read No More Mr Nice Guy.

 

She will not change. Also she has more then likely been cheating the entire time the two of you have been together.

[aliveagain]

Friend, she's a serial cheater, your in for a world of pain if you stay with this one. Set her free before your stuck raising another mans child. Google the "180" and make it your new way of life. Talk to a lawyer, this woman does not respect you, a 17 year old, really? The guy could have been the ring bearer at your wedding, he was only 7 years old when you married her. She is a very broken woman, she makes you wear a condom and then has all kinds of sex with a minor riding him bareback. Your health is at risk, get tested for all STD's, she is a hazard to your life.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's the lies and deception that is tearing me apart inside, and after catching her out at the beach the other night, I don't think I can ever trust her again.

 

Your advice and input on the situation will be greatly appreciated.

 

Really, neither of you should be in exclusive relationships at this point in your lives. And that's really OK, doesn't make you a bad person - just unsuitable for marriage.

 

Why not return to the single life you both seem so determined to pursue ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

Hey man, I've been there. I know how you feel plus 2 kids. What helped me the most was a journal. What hurt me the most was drinking.

 

Good for you for leaving. She is not a good wife for you. Don't think she's going to be good wife for anyone but that doesn't matter anymore.

 

How were you before you met her? Happy? Cool? Fun?

 

You don't stop being those things when you were with her. Her stink just overshadowed it. You are still as awesome as you always were. That's something I had forgotten for a while when dealing with the emotional fallout of my wife cheating.

 

But when it came back? Lol.

[John Moriarty]

I was an awkward teenager when we started going out. I don't even know who the true me is without her. I'm looking forward to finding out.

 

I have left the brand new house we just moved into and I'm at my parents. Right before I blocked her number, she told me that this is now war and that she is going to bring guys back to our new house and **** them in our bed.

 

This **** is killing me. I'm trying to be strong but I'm dealing with the ***n devil. This is going to be a painful period of separation. I want to be in the house but I don't know how I would kick her out.

 

Thanks for all of your messages, they have helped me make the decision to leave tonight. Along with the fact that I logged into her laptop a couple of hours ago and saw that she was messaging both guys asking them to **** her. Then I checked again half an hour later (after taking photographic evidence, of course) and she had deleted one of the threads. I then messaged the guy she ****ed off her account who she was messaging again, and said "thanks for ending my marriage. To my wife, you deleted the other messages too late. I'm out".

 

This whole thing is ***n killing me, especially the fact that she is going to **** other guys in our bed

[GoldenR]

So what is with the "war" comment? She thinks you should just take it and do nothing? I'm very confused. She cheats on you several times. You leave. She says it's war.

 

I think she needs mental help.

[ahmed8xm]

Living alone is better than living with a cheater and a liar

 

Dont worry you will never be alone there are alot of woman out there who

Wants a faithful guy

 

You cheated on her it was your mistake

 

But her cheating will never stop

 

She is using you

 

Leave a cheater gain a life

[NTV]

Dude, don't go digging anymore. You have enough info to justify leaving. Seriously you're hurting yourself and letting her hurt you. You'll see that you're better than this and too good for her. She can play at desperate housewife all she wants, it's her life.

 

Finding strength can be hard but you gotta do it. There are two sayings that float around here that I found helpful and I think you will to:

 

'My love didn't stop you from cheating and it won't stop me from divorcing you because of it.'

 

And the second one that I think you need to hold very close is

'Never let the crazy in.'

 

Her insanity is just that. Hers. As much as she might want to hurt you if you don't let her in then she can't. Don't let her in your heart, your thoughts your parents house your car your bank account. Become the iron fortress that keeps her and all crazy out.

 

Strength brother!

[somanymistakes]

I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

 

It's okay to yell in our direction if it helps, we'll listen, but if we are making you feel worse don't worry about it. Take care of yourself.

[goodyblue]

I am of the opinion that you do two things:

 

1. Get a divorce

 

2. Stop assaulting people. Other dude is not your problem, your wife is.

 

You cheated too, you are no better than your wife.

[WilyWill]

Wow. Her threat about "war" just reveals how sick she is. She knows she's hurt you and instead of being apologetic or remorseful, she wants to hurt you more. She is a person who is incapable of any normal relationship with anyone.

 

Expose her behavior and her comment to her parents (although I can't imagine she has parents worth their salt), just so they might be able to help her become a functional human being again. But you should keep clear of her. You might also consider wearing a VAR (voice-activated recorder) on you so that you can record any interactions with her. She may try to accuse you of verbal or physical abuse, just to exact her "revenge".

 

Also, just to warn you, "he didn't cum inside me" is one of the top 10 lies that cheating spouses tell. It's right up there with "we only kissed" or "we used a condom" or "we only did it once".

 

Sorry if people in here come across as harsh. We just want you face these truths about her now, instead of 5 years down the line when you have children and discover even more affairs.

[doyathinkso]

Oh John, by the by, what exactly is the age of consent in your jurisdiction?

 

Sexual acts with a 17 year old? That makes him a minor around these parts.

 

If he still lives at home I would think that informing his parents would be the noble and responsible thing to do.

[sandylee1]

 

This whole thing is ***n killing me, especially the fact that she is going to **** other guys in our bed

 

Well that says it all really doesn't it. She's going to bring guys back to your home.

 

She's really not wife material and lacks the maturity required to be in a committed relationship at the moment.

 

The whole taking pics of her semen stained skirt is just gross.

 

Maybe 5 years from now she'll have grown up, but you don't need to hang around and wait for her to infect you while she sleeps with all and sundry, as a condom doesn't protect you from all stds and she could pass something on to you another way.

 

 

 

 

while you did kiss 7 other women, she committed adultery.

[magnesium]

Oh John, by the by, what exactly is the age of consent in your jurisdiction?

 

Sexual acts with a 17 year old? That makes him a minor around these parts.

 

If he still lives at home I would think that informing his parents would be the noble and responsible thing to do.

 

Respectfully, I don't think the 17 year old boy is going to care that he was 'seduced' by an older woman. The parents may punish him or whatever, but they probably wouldn't want their son getting involved in a divorce court case or divorce settlement.

 

There is a double-standard when it comes to older women and younger men.

 

If the OP really wants do to something about this, he will need proof of this affair to use as ammunition for his side of the story during divorce.

 

Being noble and responsible may backfire, as the parents may tell their son to lie if anyone ever questions him, because parents want to protect their kids.

[aliveagain]

Spanz1 can you please delete that message? I know you probably didn't mean it but I'm in a really bad place right now and your message is really unnessessary and has made me feel worse. He didn't cum in her btw. Not that it matters... I left her tonight.

 

Friend, you need to talk to a lawyer now. You may be helping her cause by leaving the home, your lawyer will advise you, listen to him. Get yourself a VAR(voice activated recorder) carry it on you anytime you are around her. You wouldn't be the first husband falsely charged and in jail for assaulting his wife, we have seen it here enough times. The other men are not the problem here, they just take what is being offered. Your problem is your cheating wife.

 

Keep all your proof safe, give copies to your lawyer. Your wife does not sound right, is there any mental illness in her family? If you have no children involved this may be the best and cheapest time for you to get out of this, get the best lawyer you can afford. Believe her when she tells you this is a war. You can't control her, your objective should be to get yourself out of infidelity anyway you can.

[oldshirt]

Spanz1 can you please delete that message? I know you probably didn't mean it but I'm in a really bad place right now and your message is really unnessessary and has made me feel worse. He didn't cum in her btw. Not that it matters... I left her tonight.

 

Spanz's comment is right on the money and you need to let it sink in real well.

 

I know that it stings real bad but you need to understand how evil she is and how toxic she is to you.

 

 

....and good on you for making your escape!!!!!!!!

 

Put as much distance between you no matter the cost and no matter the number of tears in your pillow. She is toxic and harmful to you no matter how much you think you love her. Alcoholics love liguor and think they need it, but it poisons and kills them a little bit more with each drink. You need to dry out from her.