forgiving yourself after mistakes in relationship

[marie25]

i am recently going through a breakup that i initiated (although it was on and off for a little while). it was for the best - i definitely see that. and to make it clear, i think it was an unhealthy relationship for the both of us in the sense that we both hurt each other (there was no main "victim" here).

 

when i look back on the terrible things i have said to him in fights after being hurt, or just the things you do even though you love the other person when you have been hurt by them, i feel so terribly guilty. it makes me want to break NC (i don't ofc, but always want to) and apologize so heavily, it leaves a rotten feeling in my stomach because that wasn't me at all!! - except that it was me.

 

i am a conflict-avoider - i almost never ever ever get into conflicts outside of this relationship (i.e. with family, friends, etc.) i am quick to apologize and would honestly rather compromise (to a degree) than have conflict with someone.

 

its so sad to me to see how i slowly got worse and worse in my treatment of him as the relationship progressed. i know that it was after many hurts, and all of that, but still...it makes me feel bad about the ways that i hurt him and the person i became.

 

i was thinking of writing a long apology email or something to my ex-partner to send after a bit (we broke up recently so not soon), but my only fear would be that that would be doing him more harm than good (he is the dumpee so i don't think he would want to hear from me..but what do you guys think?). has anyone ever felt this way? how did you cope with yourself?

[Telemachus]

Save it for when you have a need to contact him, like selling real estate that's in both your names. If nothing like that exists, meaning that you don't have children together and will never need his signature on a legal document or check payable to the two of you, then let it go.

 

Let him move forward in peace. You've already noted that any contact from you may bring him pain, even if that contact is to say that you're sorry for things you said or did.

 

Don't do it to clear your conscience. As I already indicated do it only if there's unequivocal benefit to him, and in the situation you describe, there isn't.

[marie25]

Save it for when you have a need to contact him, like selling real estate that's in both your names. If nothing like that exists, meaning that you don't have children together and will never need his signature on a legal document or check payable to the two of you, then let it go.

 

Let him move forward in peace. You've already noted that any contact from you may bring him pain, even if that contact is to say that you're sorry for things you said or did.

 

Don't do it to clear your conscience. As I already indicated do it only if there's unequivocal benefit to him, and in the situation you describe, there isn't.

 

I think thats a great point towards not contacting him. I think if he contacts me with desire to meet up when I am in town to give me my things (no biggie if he doesn't because it's just some clothes), I will mention it then. Or if he contacts me to apologize himself, etc.

 

Now onto how to forgive my own self. I recognize that this strong desire to apologize to him is in fact so that I can feel better about myself, or even so that he can make me feel better about it by "forgiving me", but its really all about my own self noting my mistakes and moving past it.

 

I have a pretty huge conscience and am hard on myself whenever I hurt someone (the effects are immediate once I realize that I was wrong).

 

Does anyone have any tips of self-forgiveness and self-love?

Edited May 7, 2017 by marie25

[Ronni_W]

marie25,

 

Would it be helpful to look at it in terms of: you have learned a very valuable lesson to the extent that you have permanently transcended that old behaviour and will not succumb to it again? In this case, forgiveness is due to you so you can claim it for yourself.

 

I'm sure there are a number of resources to help with overcoming guilt; this one comes at it from a bit of a different angle: Forgiveness is the highest form.... (It is spiritual-based, so please just ignore it if it doesn't fit in with your personal philosophy/belief.)

 

Wishing you the best of luck.

[NotASkunk]

In my experience nothing I said made any difference to my ex. If you've already broken up with him in my just be best to just move on and let him have some peace. I wish I had some more words of advice but I can only draw from my own experience. Best of luck to you.

[marie25]

Thank your for the responses. I thought about it and talked to friends - and I think I can say that it might have been the unhealthy dynamic we both had with each other that really fed those bad choices. All I can do is look forward and learn to never let myself go like that, and to treat my ex with respect in all future encounters.

 

He did a lot to hurt me and his betrayal was the reason I ended the relationship - so I know that we both did wrong.

 

I think living my best life from now on in the sense of treating everyone with kindness, and being fair and respectful in my interpersonal relationships from now on will do the trick for gaining that self-forgiveness and love back.

[Chilli]

Yep, def' have lived with guilt about my ex w for 4yrs and l still feel so bad about some things.

When we first split , a few mths in l wrote her a letter and talked about how badly l felt and that l just wanted her to know l was deeply sorry.

But, even though we both have new lives now separate , l'm still realizing even more things and the guilt is still eating at me.

So l'm always so glad l at least wrote her that letter , even though it wasn't nearly enough but at least it was something.

But l still think about it all and often when l come and go for my daughter if ex is home l still feel like cuddling her and saying sorry properly. ,

 

So in your case , if it was me , to hell with it l'd write him a letter or email or something and tell him what you need too.

And tell him it;s not about getting back together it's just about wanting him to know.

lt just doesn't go away if you don't and you will forever wishing he just knew.

 

but good luck with whatever you decide anyway,

[Redhead14]

its so sad to me to see how i slowly got worse and worse in my treatment of him as the relationship progressed

 

That is the trapping of being conflict-avoidant. Being conflict-avoidant also means being avoidant of communicating needs and addressing "issues" as they arise. When a person does that, everything builds up over time and comes out in unhealthy, hurtful ways and often, comes out around things that really have nothing to do with what's really going on inside.

 

The only way to manage the after affects of a mistake/mistakes, is to accept responsibility for them and learn from them so that a person manages themselves effectively in the future. You cannot undo what's been done, but you can prepare for a more "effective" and successful future.

 

How do you forgive yourself? -- By accepting the "punishment" of guilt/shame for a period of time. A criminal serves his sentence, has paid for his crime and is released. He then has a fresh start. He can do the same things over and over again and go back to prison, or he can move forward knowing he's paid for his crime dearly but it doesn't have to be a life-sentence.

 

Forgiveness is not about overlooking someone's mistakes or your own. It's about accepting that what's done is done and not allowing it to happen again. What's more important is hoping that the person you hurt is able to forgive you and wanting them to be able to let it go so that their lives will be easier. And, realizing too, that that is their responsibility to do for themselves.

 

I also want to point out that, since you have self-identified your problem -- conflict-avoidant -- you become fully responsible for managing it. In other words, you know what's "wrong". If you continue to allow it to affect other people/relationships, then you are assigning a life-sentence to yourself and basically a recidivist.

Edited May 21, 2017 by Redhead14

[Ronni_W]

What's more important is hoping that the person you hurt is able to forgive you

Redhead14,

I'm not fully following the part I quoted above. Doesn't taking responsibility for our self and our own life mean that we do NOT make other people's decisions and choices important for our own esteem, self-forgiveness, sense of worth etc.? For, what if they cannot or do not want to forgive us? -- If their ability or desire to forgive is supposed to be 'more important' than our own, then are we not just putting ourselves in a bind over which we have no control and, thus, over which we cannot truly claim responsibility? (Does this make sense?)

[Redhead14]

Redhead14,

I'm not fully following the part I quoted above. Doesn't taking responsibility for our self and our own life mean that we do NOT make other people's decisions and choices important for our own esteem, self-forgiveness, sense of worth etc.? For, what if they cannot or do not want to forgive us? -- If their ability or desire to forgive is supposed to be 'more important' than our own, then are we not just putting ourselves in a bind over which we have no control and, thus, over which we cannot truly claim responsibility? (Does this make sense?)

 

In the end, it's just about hoping for the best for them, but accepting that they have to do that for themselves and refocusing/redirecting your feelings, etc. to a more positive and effective future over which you actually now have control.

 

I'm not saying that their ability to forgive is more important than our ability to forgive ourselves. I'm saying that we cannot control it but we can hope that they will do that for their OWN good. Not because it will make us feel better. Because, frankly, even if someone forgives us, we still deal with our guilt/shame anyway and should, for a time, only for the purpose of learning from it. We can't learn from it if we don't experience it deeply. That is your punishment, so to speak, your payment. Once you've moved past it, you've served your time and are "entitled" to move forward.

 

The responsibility for forgiving ourselves lies in not carrying all that negative emotion, self-loathing etc. around because it will affect others. It's about turning yourself back out into the world as a better, stronger, more effective person. The same is true for the person who was offended or hurt. When you can do that, you've earned forgiveness for yourself.

Edited May 21, 2017 by Redhead14

[OatsAndHall]

Honestly, I see nothing wrong with write a short, pleasant apology letter for your own peace of mind. My ex-wife thoroughly screwed up our marriage (infidelity) but there were several times when I was out of line during the separation and divorce. I was angry and I said and did things that I shouldn't have. I felt guilt over all of it as it's not in my nature to behave the way I did. She may have messed things up but I should have taken the high road. I knew the best way for me to let it go of the remorse was to send an email apologizing for what I had done so that is what I did.

 

I honestly wasn't looking for forgiveness as that is completely out of my control. I was her choice to accept the apology, which she didn't but that is on her, not me. I eased my own burden by apologizing and it allowed me to move forward.

[mightycpa]

That letter would be the last mistake, like the cherry on the icing. When somebody breaks up with you against your will, you'll generally focus on the mistakes that you made. Dumpers do the same thing, but dumpees at first blame the end of the relationship on these mistakes. They go to some lengths to fix what they can, and then after a while, they begin to see that they weren't the only ones to make mistakes. Lessons get learned, all the way around, and they have a better idea about what they like and what they don't like.

 

While your sentiment is well-intended, your letter could be misinterpreted as interest, and more importantly, he doesn't need your apology, just like I'd hope that you don't really need his.

 

I'd let it go. He'll figure out you weren't perfect, and even better, one day, he simply won't care at all.

[isolatedgothic]

Are you feeling guilty because you were responding to how he was treating you? Do you treat others the way you treated him, or was it a seemingly isolated thing? Think carefully about this. I have a tendency to beat myself up for the mistakes I make, and often times, the other person allows it and beats me up as well, in a sense.

 

Think carefully as to why you acted/reacted the way you did in this relationship. Was he totally blameless? Did he sincerely apologize to you for the things he might have done to you? Have you allowed yourself to take all the blame for everything that went wrong, when in fact, he contributed?

 

Make sure you look through the glass clearly. Yes, you might have said and done some ugly things, but please carefully consider why you did and said those things, and if this is a pattern, or a response to the way you were treated. In the past when you apologized for things, how did he respond to it? Did he sincerely accept it and try to work things out, or did he jump on the blame wagon and let you take the fall for everything that went wrong?

 

Just my thoughts! Take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up.

[OatsAndHall]

 

I'd let it go. He'll figure out you weren't perfect, and even better, one day, he simply won't care at all.

 

Sending a letter is a way to let go of that guilt and those feelings of remorse. For me, it had nothing to do with forgiveness; it was all about apologizing for what I felt was wrong and that allowed me to move forward.

 

"Letting go" is far easier said than done.

[mightycpa]

Sending a letter is a way to let go of that guilt and those feelings of remorse. For me, it had nothing to do with forgiveness; it was all about apologizing for what I felt was wrong and that allowed me to move forward.

 

"Letting go" is far easier said than done.

Yeah, I read that, apologizing was all about you, which frankly, doesn't strike me as much of an apology. Lucky for you, you had an ex for whom it was all about her, so she didn't care about your apology, and you were lucky enough to unburden yourself upon somebody who could care less. My impression is that it isn't that she didn't forgive you. It's that your transgressions meant nothing to her. That's how you got what you wanted and she could roll her eyes at you one last time. WIN-WIN.

OP, on the other hand, has to worry about opening wounds that she created. It would be an incredibly selfish act to unburden herself on someone who is already carrying a burden that she gave him. WIN-LOSE.

 

See the difference?

 

The moral answer is to suck it up, forgive yourself, and move on. He doesn't need to hear she's sorry... she needs for him to hear it, and I think this is more a want than a need. Anyway, this guy probably needs some things too, but he's restraining himself from unloading his nonsense on her every day. She should take note, and follow his lead.

 

OP should wait until he doesn't care one way or the other what she did, then she can take this emotional dump she needs to take and he can laugh it off. Only then is it fair to do that to someone.

[whatnot]

marie...something that helps is being honest with yourself that you would if you could. But, you can't. But...the willingness to do so if I could...just knowing that helps me. Knowing you're willing if you can....but you cannot. It isn't "right"....nor is it probably even welcomed by him. take care

[whatnot]

"Willingness to make it right if you could"....also helps to take the focus off of the hurt I've caused (when I'm truly willing) and allows me to more objectively look at my mistakes and how to correct them going forward. You don't have to "forgive yourself". Just being willing to fix things with him is all that's required to lessen the guilt trip and begin moving forward with a more objective light cast on what I've done and how to prevent reoccurences in the future.

[marie25]

It's been a while since I replied to this thread and I wanted to thank you all for your responses. I am not sure why I never replied to the last few - they were really great helpful responses :-)

 

An update on the situation:

 

I realized that the phase of self-loathing (I say that lightly, it's a harsh term), feeling guilty for my mistakes, etc. is a part of my grieving process for the relationship. After some distance, it's so clear that we had both done things to hurt each other. I was doing my best and wasn't always good at coping with the betrayals of trust, water under the bridge, etc. But these things are pretty difficult to deal with period and I have built some compassion for myself that I wasn't being a terrible person to him. He hurt me also, it was likely just a bad dynamic for us both.

 

Nonetheless - this period of guilt is *necessary* for growing and maturing. I am able to look back on things and learn from them, learn that there is a better, more peaceful and loving life that I can live once I cultivate healthy relationships in my life.

 

Thanks again everyone ! I loved this discussion.

[fieldoflavender]

Good luck with everything - did you end up writing the letter?

 

I already apologized in person for everything that I did - of course at the time I was trying to save the relationship. He probably didn't think I was being genuine, but now I was.

 

He has not apologized for the hurtful things he did in response. I am thinking of writing a letter to identify them - but after reading this, maybe it is best to just let it all go. If people don't think of these things in their mind, what is the point?

 

However, I don't think that retaliating in response to a hurtful event is a high road to take. We all do it, but regardless of whether I'm with the person, I would apologize for that behaviour. But I know I will never get the apology. So maybe identifying it is pointless too.