Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[Deepremorse5]

I cheated on my husband of 2 years. We were together for 4 years. He has initiated the divorce proceedings. But I am having a hard time forgiving myself. Not sure if I would ever get out of this mess. I never got to speak with him after d day. I just once want the opportunity to speak with him. I have been waiting for him to just say something since d day happened 2 months back. I have this unimaginable pain inside me that is pulling me down. The guilt is too heavy for me to carry. Not sure what I am going to do next. Need some help from this community to help me cope with the situation.

[smi11ie]

I am sorry you are here. In some cultures infidelity is treated more harshly than in others. If you are not going to get forgiveness from your husband then you will need to forgive yourself. EVERYONE has made mistakes.....EVERYONE.

[ahmed8xm]

Please explain your full story

Why you cheated

Or under what circumstances (which leads to you cheating)

 

Do you wants to save your marriage?

 

Why he is not talking to you?

I think its because he dont want any further pain

Confrontation is very painful and the details of the affair are also painful

So he is saving himself from this pain

 

Was it physical affair??

Is he divorcing you on the grounds of adultery?

[ahmed8xm]

I am sorry you are here. In some cultures infidelity is treated more harshly than in others. If you are not going to get forgiveness from your husband then you will need to forgive yourself. EVERYONE has made mistakes.....EVERYONE.

 

There is no one in this world who will accept infidelity ok!

[csad]

There is no one in this world who will accept infidelity ok!

 

This is true but I guess smi11ie meant that the OP can moan over her mistake for a while but eventually she has to move on!

[Deepremorse5]

Please explain your full story

Why you cheated

Or under what circumstances (which leads to you cheating)

 

Do you wants to save your marriage?

 

Why he is not talking to you?

I think its because he dont want any further pain

Confrontation is very painful and the details of the affair are also painful

So he is saving himself from this pain

 

Was it physical affair??

Is he divorcing you on the grounds of adultery?

 

 

I wish I could know why I cheated. I will definitely put my story here just not now. I am not in a good shape to write long paragraphs. Excuse me for that.

 

Yes I want to save my marriage but I know that it's over. Just holding on to last bit of hope that he will change his mind.

 

He has informed via his lawyer that he will only speak after divorce is finalised. Even though I have tried everything, I can't reach him.

 

Physical Affair- yes

 

Filed divorce under mutual consent.

[ahmed8xm]

Ok take your time

 

Is he have any evidence ?

 

If he has but not divorcing you on the grounds of adultry

 

It means he dont want you to face the words of society

 

Well i think he is a nice guy

He just wants to end the marriage peacefully

Remember one thing the pain of betrayal is very bad

A person feels like a sh*t your husband maybe suffering from all this

 

He needs time

 

I think you will feel only better when he will say 'i forgive you'

Forgiveness doesn't mean he will be your husband forever

It means he will not have any bad thoughts about you in his heart

 

I think these are things that he will tell you after divorce

(Its just my prediction)

 

I think you need IC (individual counseling) to learn how to forgive yourself

[Deepremorse5]

Every time I look at my parents I see disappointment in their eyes. It hurts me to my core. My in-laws always treated me like their own daughter. I disappointed them too. I am hating myself more with each passing day.

 

Few days back it was my b'day. Not sure why but I had this small hope that my husband will finally call. I waited for his call the whole day but didn't receive anything. I guess that crushed me. Since then I am having disturbing thoughts. Hate to admit it but one time I thought about hurting myself. But spoke to my sister and she put some sense into me.

 

I want to fight for him but don't know where to start. Attempts to reach him via my parents, his parents siblings and friends didn't go well. No one knows where he is staying other than his lawyer.

[Unforseen]

This is something my WW has been working on in IC. She feels a great deal of shame. Semantics aside, that means she knows she has done something wrong and that makes her a bad person. What she is working on is moving on from shame. Yes, she did something wrong. That does not mean that she is a bad person. The struggle for her is in forgiving herself. It sounds like the OP is stuck in a position of shame.

 

I can certainly understand your desire to speak to your BS. It sound as though you are feeling a great deal of shame and regret. But that is the sad effect of affairs: the choices you made have far reaching consequences. If you have read other stories on this forum you probably have a pretty good idea of what your BH is experiencing. I can understand, with everything that he is going through he may not want to ever hear from you again. But you don't need me or anyone else to keep berating you at this point. It sounds as though you know the results of your actions.

 

Please, as soon as you can, do some research online to find a therapist in your area. Do not be scared or nervous in seeking help. Yes you have done a bad thing but it does not make you a bad person. You may feel like you do not deserve to feel better or that you are not worth the effort of even trying. Please do not fall prey to these kinds of thoughts and feelings. If you have family or close friends you should also call on them. The kind of people that will still love you and support you even though they know or even when they find out what has happened.

 

Without knowing anymore about your situation than you have said you may need to give up on trying to contact your BH. If his state of mind is in anyway typical, reaching out to him will not be well received by him. I certainly hope that others with greater wisdom and experience will chime in and correct me if I am wrong here, but perhaps writing a letter to him and passing it to him through someone he trusts might work out well. Otherwise it might help to write all of your feelings down as a journal. I have found that to be useful as there are times when I have more to say than my WW can withstand at any one sitting. That way I can still get my feelings and emotions out in some form.

 

Once again, please take care of yourself and seek out the help of a therapist. Pleas don't get discouraged if you don't find the right match the first time or two. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find a therapist that will work well for you.

[ahmed8xm]

This is true but I guess smi11ie meant that the OP can moan over her mistake for a while but eventually she has to move on!

 

I know but she used the wrong words ( some cultures act harshly against infidelity) these are not right words

[Deepremorse5]

I will try to put my story tonight.

I crossed my boundries with a colleague who was also my ex boyfriend. On dday, my husband didnt say anything just texted me few pics of me and my affair partner. Some of them were recent and few were atleast a month old. So I guess he knew before that day. By the time I reached home, he was gone.

His lawyer mentioned that they have strong evidence but for my future sake, he has filled under mutual consent.

 

I know for sure he still cares about me. Few days before my b'day, I had a bad day and I was admitted to hospital. My brother texted him at night 11pm. By 3am he was here. Even though he didn't come inside, later I was informed that he came and left after few hours. Since he came, I guess it built hopes in me that he will call on my b'day. Guess I was wrong.

[ahmed8xm]

 

I want to fight for him but don't know where to start. Attempts to reach him via my parents, his parents siblings and friends didn't go well. No one knows where he is staying other than his lawyer.

 

 

He is saving himself from the pain

He is suffering from extreme pain

No one can understand the pain the BS is going through

Only a BS can.

 

I know what you did was wrong but good thing is you are taking responsibility of your actions

I know the indian family system

How parents feel when these things happen because they didn't raise you like ths.

My advice is you should apologize to your parents his parents(i hope you aldready did that)

 

For some people (including me) infidelity is a dealbreaker .

I think your husband is one of them

 

Your parents will forgive you

You need some professional help.

[WilyWill]

If there's any hope of saving the marriage, you need to absolutely BEG and APOLOGIZE to him in whatever way you have of contacting him. Email, post, waiting outside his house, etc.

 

Whatever you do, do NOT launch into a litany of justifications or reasons for your cheating. He needs to hear that it was entirely your fault and that you'd do ANYTHING to get him back. No one but him knows if that would be enough.

 

Honestly, if your husband wasn't man enough for you (which is how he feels right now), why do you want him back? Whatever the outcome, you need to examine the reasons why you cheated. Unless your personality has substantially changed in the recent past, you'd cheat again.

[WilyWill]

Double Post

Edited May 7, 2017 by WilyWill
double post

[Nirbhao.Nirvair]

I want to fight for him but don't know where to start. Attempts to reach him via my parents, his parents siblings and friends didn't go well. No one knows where he is staying other than his lawyer.

 

Can you file a habeas corpus? Will that be too extreme?

[GoldenR]

I'm sorry that you find yourself here, DR.

 

Unfortunately, for some ppl, especially men, infidelity is 100% a deal-breaker. I've been cheated on more times than anyone I know. In most of those instances, I ghosted my partner, just as yours is doing. I knew I no longer wanted this toxic person that I was 100% committed to, who obviously was 0% committed to me, in my life anymore. It was easier to just disappear from their lives, knowing I'd never give them a chance anyway.

 

Your H sounds like he's thinking the same way I did. And there's not much you can do about it. Especially if you have no idea where he is.

 

Work on yourself right now. Eat right, work out, dive into some hobbies and surround yourself with non-toxic friends. Take care of yourself.

[elaine567]

I cheated on my husband of 2 years. We were together for 4 years. He has initiated the divorce proceedings. But I am having a hard time forgiving myself. Not sure if I would ever get out of this mess. I never got to speak with him after d day. I just once want the opportunity to speak with him. I have been waiting for him to just say something since d day happened 2 months back. I have this unimaginable pain inside me that is pulling me down. The guilt is too heavy for me to carry. Not sure what I am going to do next. Need some help from this community to help me cope with the situation.

 

Seems to me whilst many women will put their husband's affair behind them and carry on for the sake of kids, for financial security, for love, etc.

I think for many men the marriage is about sexual fidelity on the part of the woman and once that is lost, all "love" disappears and some men may even go as far as deny the children of a cheating wife...

 

I think your husband suspected cheating, got his evidence and filed for divorce and now you are essentially dead to him.

 

I think you have to be somewhat realistic here.

Discussing this with him is not going to make you feel any better.

He is not going to say "My beautiful wife, I love you so much, I miss you, I forgive you." is he?

 

You are going to have to forgive yourself and move on having learned a lesson.

[ahmed8xm]

I have a question

 

How long would it have carried on for if your husband had never found out???.

 

Would it have still been carrying on???.

[mikeylo]

Therapy. That's the only way to sort out your feelings.He seems determined to divorce. It could be his deal breaker.

 

The issue is , he found out. You didn't come out clean yourself. That makes it worse.

 

Divorce him without causing him trouble. He will be thankful.

[Deepremorse5]

I have a question

 

How long would it have carried on for if your husband had never found out???.

 

Would it have still been carrying on???.

 

Truth is I have no reply for your question. Most likely I would have continued.

[Deepremorse5]

If there's any hope of saving the marriage, you need to absolutely BEG and APOLOGIZE to him in whatever way you have of contacting him. Email, post, waiting outside his house, etc.

 

Whatever you do, do NOT launch into a litany of justifications or reasons for your cheating. He needs to hear that it was entirely your fault and that you'd do ANYTHING to get him back. No one but him knows if that would be enough.

 

Honestly, if your husband wasn't man enough for you (which is how he feels right now), why do you want him back? Whatever the outcome, you need to examine the reasons why you cheated. Unless your personality has substantially changed in the recent past, you'd cheat again.

 

Affair was mostly emotional with very few instances of physical interaction. I

[Deepremorse5]

I have been thinking about what I did. How can I do such a thing. My husband gets lot of female attention. He carries that quiet mysterious vibe that draws in women. Even my friends had crush on him before we got together. So I was always jealous.

This worries me. I can never see him with other girl. If he moves on while I am still madly in love with him, I am not sure what will happen to me.

[mikeylo]

Truth is I have no reply for your question. Most likely I would have continued[/b].

 

^^^ This is IT.

 

Your husband knows this and it explains his reaction.

 

Get into therapy asap. And move on.

[Deepremorse5]

Therapy. That's the only way to sort out your feelings.He seems determined to divorce. It could be his deal breaker.

 

The issue is , he found out. You didn't come out clean yourself. That makes it worse.

 

Divorce him without causing him trouble. He will be thankful.

 

Under verbal agreement with his lawyer, divorce will be under his terms. I have to cooperate with them for which he will file under mutual consent. Here in India, if filed under adultery with evidence, divorce will be settled within a day. But under mutual consent there will be a 6 month reconciliation period before final divorce is approved. He made a generous offer as settlement which I have rejected. I don't want to take his hard earned money. Few things that I have not returned as requested in the settlement offer are those with whom I have strong emotional connection. I have asked for few more days for that.

[aliveagain]

I have been thinking about what I did. How can I do such a thing. My husband gets lot of female attention. He carries that quiet mysterious vibe that draws in women. Even my friends had crush on him before we got together. So I was always jealous.

This worries me. I can never see him with other girl. If he moves on while I am still madly in love with him, I am not sure what will happen to me.

 

He didn't cheat, you did, you need professional help to find out why. Why wasn't he enough for you, why did you need validation from other men? You were hardly over the honeymoon period and you started an affair. Statistics show that marriages with infidelity early on rarely survive. Men want to know that the paternity of their children is guaranteed, fidelity does that. Most men view sexual infidelity a deal breaker. Best thing I can recommend to you is to get yourself into independent counselling and find out what is broken in you so you can be a safe partner. When you choose the behaviour you also choose the consequences that go with them, you just didn't expect to get caught. Fix yourself, make yourself safe. I want to give you more hope but I don't think there is anything I can say other then to work on yourself.

Edited May 7, 2017 by aliveagain