Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[GoldenR]

You do sound remorseful, but I think you're just upset that you got caught and now both men have left you. You didn't stop your A on your own, you stopped only when caught. And you were sorry for what you did, again, only when caught.

 

You'd still be in the affair if you weren't caught. If I know that, then your husband knows that. Even if you get to talk to him, how can you expect to convince him otherwise?

[Krtk]

I don't think you're guilty and all your just afraid of the reality that you get caught and the consequences of it and that hurting yourself part proved it you afraid of going out of choice losing control over thinks afraid of society they don't treat you the same afterwards. they won't tell your still young move on and learn from your mistake if all came to know but your husband is a sensible and matured guy not exposing anything like I think he planned it taking a good amount of time he don't want you to be labeled bad or anything he still cares for you even after knowing it. you're affair partner done the deed now out of picture that's it. If you truly felt any guilt you should have stopped you affair atleast try to stop it that's not the case. So I don't see any guilt other then afraid of consequences.

[Cephalopod]

Was this an arranged marriage?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Cephalopod, She mentioned in one of her posts that it was a love affair and not an arranged marriage.

[NTV]

I second the recommendation for individual counseling. I know it's hard for you right now, probably doubly so knowing how much pain you've caused your husband. Counseling might not help the pain, but can help you develop the wall to keep this from happening with the next love of your life.

 

And that's really the equation isn't it? Is this worth losing the love of my life for? I guess it was this time. Hopefully not next time.

[Deepremorse5]

I was really conflicted during my affair. Tried to break the affair. Even requested hr dept for a transfer. The only thing that I could have done is that I should have resigned. Back of my mind I had it but not sure why I didn't do it.

Also the point where I let my defences go is when he mentioned he wants to get married and that he will go for an arranged marriage. I thought I could really get back as friends since he has moved on as during our break up he didn't want me to go and had asked me to wait for him.

I was so stupid.

[Deepremorse5]

I am trying to remember my thoughts during the affair but I can't seem to remember lot of things. Mostly about how I justified my actions.

[Deepremorse5]

Regarding the part of hurting myself. I would like to add that being the only child I wouldn't dare. It was just a passing thought during a time when I was feeling particularly low. I had put all my hopes into the fact that my husband will definitely contact me on my b'day. But when he didn't I was crushed. Guess my heart was playing games hurting me more. I felt a deep pain. I

[BTDT2012]

My suggestion is that you get individual counseling for yourself. Your work is to be a better person for yourself, not in an attempt to save your marriage. Accept responsibility for your choices. Apply what you learn to your next relationship. Actions have consequences, and it appears that divorce is your consequence.

[harrybrown]

hope you do try to realize the pain that your H is feeling and has been since he knew of your A.

 

Do you have any feeling for his pain?

 

How would you feel if he had an A and cheated on you with his old girlfriend?

 

He may have know when he asked you if something was wrong.

 

That is a clue that he knew something at that point in time.

 

Trying to see if it was him and if he could fix it. If that did not fix it, more pain and rejection. A big hit to his self esteem. the former ex must be a better lover or something, why would she reject me and treat me so cruel to have an A?

 

Just something to think about why he is acting this way.

 

he is in a ton of pain.

[Deepremorse5]

Some members have flagged about me having no remorse. The truth is I want to express my remorse to the people I have hurt. I am here for a specific purpose. My mind has accepted that we are getting divorced but my heart is yet to accept that. I am trying this forum to learn from other's experience. I can't express remorse if I can't come out of the hole I am in. Once I am out of it, I will find my way.

Getting caught is not what I regret. I always knew my husband will know. He is very smart. I regret letting myself get used by a person who always claimed that he cares about me. I cheated on my husband with a man who is not even a quarter of a man my husband is. I have so many questions but with little to no answer.

[Deepremorse5]

hope you do try to realize the pain that your H is feeling and has been since he knew of your A.

 

Do you have any feeling for his pain?

 

How would you feel if he had an A and cheated on you with his old girlfriend?

 

He may have know when he asked you if something was wrong.

 

That is a clue that he knew something at that point in time.

 

Trying to see if it was him and if he could fix it. If that did not fix it, more pain and rejection. A big hit to his self esteem. the former ex must be a better lover or something, why would she reject me and treat me so cruel to have an A?

 

Just something to think about why he is acting this way.

 

he is in a ton of pain.

 

Truth be told I was always jealous of my husband's past relationships. He had many partners. Many girls had tried to use sex to get him into a relationship with them. His facebook message box is full of messages from women asking him out.

 

My husband is far better lover than my ex. And I didn't enjoy that with my ex/AP .

[harrybrown]

Write you H a timeline of your A and your feelings.

 

 

You can give it to his lawyer to give to him.

 

This way your have written your thoughts and hope he will read it.

 

keep a copy to help you for when you talk the next time.

[Deepremorse5]

Write you H a timeline of your A and your feelings.

 

 

You can give it to his lawyer to give to him.

 

This way your have written your thoughts and hope he will read it.

 

keep a copy to help you for when you talk the next time.

 

Tried it. Lawyer refused to accept anything.

[Krtk]

I was really conflicted during my affair. Tried to break the affair. Even requested hr dept for a transfer. The only thing that I could have done is that I should have resigned. Back of my mind I had it but not sure why I didn't do it.

Also the point where I let my defences go is when he mentioned he wants to get married and that he will go for an arranged marriage. I thought I could really get back as friends since he has moved on as during our break up he didn't want me to go and had asked me to wait for him.

I was so stupid.

 

The only reasonable thing you should've done is tell to your husband when he first approached you with bad intentions he used you and tricked for an affair and never the less you played your part willingly he's a total prick can't commit himself to a relationship even after 4yrs now resigning the job and leaving the state he's just a spineless coward can't face anything. But your life is on the stake now your married not him you should have known better. I don't think your husband settle for no less then divorce he's deeply hurt humiliated don't know or want any disclosure he has his own version of story no one knows how bad he portrayed himself on that never know until you both talk about it. and your bday wish thing come on are you for real hoping him to wish like what thanks for ruining every thing we had hope you have a nice year ahead think of what he's going through he speak to no one but himself analyse himself that's just hell. All you can do as already like others said I know ic is not common here just give him time and space. I think divorce is inevitable but if you really want him prove your worth work to build the trust from the ground.and don't dare to have any contact with your ex. As of now I don't thing your husband will jump in another relationship and remarried is also not that easily done here all you have is time on your side use it to your advantage

[Deepremorse5]

The only reasonable thing you should've done is tell to your husband when he first approached you with bad intentions he used you and tricked for an affair and never the less you played your part willingly he's a total prick can't commit himself to a relationship even after 4yrs now resigning the job and leaving the state he's just a spineless coward can't face anything. But your life is on the stake now your married not him you should have known better. I don't think your husband settle for no less then divorce he's deeply hurt humiliated don't know or want any disclosure he has his own version of story no one knows how bad he portrayed himself on that never know until you both talk about it. and your bday wish thing come on are you for real hoping him to wish like what thanks for ruining every thing we had hope you have a nice year ahead think of what he's going through he speak to no one but himself analyse himself that's just hell. All you can do as already like others said I know ic is not common here just give him time and space. I think divorce is inevitable but if you really want him prove your worth work to build the trust from the ground.and don't dare to have any contact with your ex. As of now I don't thing your husband will jump in another relationship and remarried is also not that easily done here all you have is time on your side use it to your advantage

 

My legal adviser gave an opinion that my husband is most likely going after my ex. I have answered many questions from his lawyer regarding any future plan with my ex.

[Deepremorse5]

I go through our wedding album on a regular basis. Makes me sad but I feel close to him. I have this burning desire to make love to him. Just hold him and never let go.

[Krtk]

My legal adviser gave an opinion that my husband is most likely going after my ex. I have answered many questions from his lawyer regarding any future plan with my ex.

 

How do your legal advisor know anything of what your husband going to do I think it just an assumption and then what is that do you have anything to do with your ex after all happened I don't think you have any. but one thing bothers me is if you say you kow deep down you husband knows what you are doing why didn't you stop because that how the defense mechanism of most ws works they atleast down play it for sometime and you said your affair most likely would have continued if you're not caught that I can't understand how was your attitude towards your husband a month before d day and also you said you want to show remorse to the ones you hurt so if you get a chance to talk to your husband his first question will be WHY I don't think you know the answer by yourself because you didn't start the affair for attention or lack of sex or fun outside marriage or like you want you ex back none of the above mentioned reasons so WHY. You can say your ex tricked you or messed up or did a huge mistake but your husband will never buy it for sure first try to analyze yourself ask yourself clear your head before if you get a chance to talk to husband by any means

[Krtk]

I go through our wedding album on a regular basis. Makes me sad but I feel close to him. I have this burning desire to make love to him. Just hold him and never let go.

 

I feel sad for you but you could have avoid it but you didn't

[SydCar]

Listen DeepRemorse - you need to face up to some harsh truths.

 

First of all you cheated purely because you wanted to. It fed your ego and you liked it. No one forced you.

 

And while you claim to take responsibility for your lying and cheating, every now and then you slip in some comments here blaming your husband. You were annoyed with him for something. You were jealous that he had more partners than you before. etc etc This does not suggest that you are remorseful.

 

You are certainly looking for us to comfort you and kind of side with you and say how unfortunate you are - majority here will tell you the opposite and also how unfortunate your husband is.

 

You sound like a spoiled brat. You were with your boyfriend for four years. It is kind of clear that you were attracted to him and only broke up because he was not ready for marriage. Then you met your husband and he was ready for marriage. You took that offer and then when the opportunity came to have your cake and eat it, you took it! You now had your boyfriend and your husband! You let your bf sleep with you and you loved the control you had over both men.

 

Now you have been found out and it sounds like you have neither (as you should have expected) and you want the world to sympathise with you.

 

My suggestion to you is to work on yourself and make yourself a better person. Take a good look at your selfish and even narcissistic actions and work on those. Maybe … just maybe you will find someone good again and make sure you don't screw it up in future.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Some members have flagged about me having no remorse. The truth is I want to express my remorse to the people I have hurt. I am here for a specific purpose. My mind has accepted that we are getting divorced but my heart is yet to accept that. I am trying this forum to learn from other's experience. I can't express remorse if I can't come out of the hole I am in. Once I am out of it, I will find my way.

Getting caught is not what I regret. I always knew my husband will know. He is very smart. I regret letting myself get used by a person who always claimed that he cares about me. I cheated on my husband with a man who is not even a quarter of a man my husband is. I have so many questions but with little to no answer.

 

Deepremorse...

 

I am going to try to help you understand but i know English is not your native language and i am afraid some things are being lost in translation.

 

Remorse takes a long time to understand...and a long time to acheive. You are two months out from being CAUGHT in an affair. You did not quit on your own...you did not confess. So you are having withdrawal from your affair and your affair partner....in addition...your husband has filed for divorce and will not talk to you. You have lost everything. I tried to explain to you earlier about the stages of grief...and you ignored me. You are grieving many losses here...your AP, your husband, your life. You have lost complete control of your life....and for the past several years ...you were completely in control...of your life, your ap's life and your husbands life. You were calling the shots.

 

Now ...your husband has taken back contol of his life...he is making decisions without asking your opinion....and you dont like it.

 

You are extremely sad...depressed...frightened....angry....but you are not remorseful. As long as you concentrate on how badly you feel....you will never be able to experience the pain you have caused.

 

So let's all be honest and stop talking about remorse....because it is not going to happen right now...and it may never happen.

 

Instead of telling us how remorseful you are...try to concentrate on becoming a better person. You can work on figuring out what is within you that allowed you to become this extremely selfish person...that has hurt so many people. You say therapy is not really accepted there....and I am not familiar with the Hindu Dharma...so I will ask you...do you have a swami that you can talk to?

 

Do you have a good friend that you can confide in? Can you talk to your parents?

 

Stop going through your wedding album...stop wishing him back becasue it is not going to happen. You know what infidelity means in your country....you know he will never take you back. You keep saying you want to tell him you are sorry...but you only want to tell him you are sorry because you think it will make you feel better...not becasue you think it will make him feel better.

 

Someday...he may allow you to tell him you are sorry...but I doubt it. I think he is done with you. You have shamed him and his family.

 

You are young and have plenty of time to work on fixing you. Let that be your concentration...healing you. There are many books you can read.

 

I want to tell you...I do not think you are a bad person. You made bad choices ...and i made the same kind of choice.

 

You can fix you...if you are honest about who you allowed yourself to become. You have to stop wallowing in self pity.

[harrybrown]

My legal adviser gave an opinion that my husband is most likely going after my ex. I have answered many questions from his lawyer regarding any future plan with my ex.

 

what else has his lawyer asked? that might give you a clue.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I regret letting myself get used by a person who always claimed that he cares about me.

 

"Getting used" goes both ways in affairs. You used your ex-bf, too.

 

 

I cheated on my husband with a man who is not even a quarter of a man my husband is.

That's usually the case.

 

 

 

We don't have kids.

He's long gone; probably never looking back. From what you've posted about him ghosting you, you may never see him again.

[Deepremorse5]

Appreciate all replies.

[Cephalopod]

Truth be told I was always jealous of my husband's past relationships. He had many partners. Many girls had tried to use sex to get him into a relationship with them. His facebook message box is full of messages from women asking him out.

 

My husband is far better lover than my ex. And I didn't enjoy that with my ex/AP .

 

Do you think maybe you never felt worthy of your husband's love? That you never had any control over whether or not he would keep you as his mate for life?

 

Maybe by playing with the lesser man, it gave you a sense of control you did not feel you had with your husband?