Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[Deepremorse5]

Sometimes the hardest part is admitting to yourself that you're not what you want to be. You seem to be well past that. :-)

 

Did you post on another forum as well?

 

No. I read other forums but post here.

[flowergirl14]

I am sorry you are here. In some cultures infidelity is treated more harshly than in others. If you are not going to get forgiveness from your husband then you will need to forgive yourself. EVERYONE has made mistakes.....EVERYONE.

 

Buying Diet coke when you meant to buy regular coke is a mistake. Thinkining you paid a bill only to find it unpaid days later is a mistake. Locking your keys in your car etc.

Infidelity is NOT a mistake. It is many many bad choices and selfishness to say the least.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Flower girl, I think a lot of people confuse a ' Mistake' with a 'Bad choice'. I guess they mean to say that the person made a bad choice but end up substituting it with the word mistake. However, that small error in the choice of words carries big implications and as you rightly pointed out 'Cheaters' make a series of 'Bad choices' due to their selfishness and self centeredness leading to great pain and disruption of families. A simple mistake may cause someone some discomfort or embarrassment but no real pain or disruption of the lives of people in their life.

 

On another note, I think the OP in this case has had an epiphany, is truly repentant and has apparently learnt her lesson the real hard way. In the future I think she will be a better person for it and will probably go on to lead a successful, love filled life. I, for one, wish her well. Warm wishes.

[Cephalopod]

That night when I came out of my room and saw my husband sitting with his parents, I was completely shocked. My MIL had convinced him to come. Not sure why I ran back into my room and broke down. Then my husband knocked and came inside my room. It took me some time to stop my excess emotions and be able to talk. Asked how I have been. But he didn't ask anything about the affair. It took me lot of courage to look into his eyes and ask for forgiveness. He said he has forgiven me that's why he visited me.

We spoke for at least 2 hours. I expected him to be harsh but he was sweet as always. Never raised his voice during the entire conversation. He is moving to Frankfrut, Germany. Got a new role there which he will be starting from July this year. It hit me hard. Broke my intent to fight for him after divorce. But I know for sure he had planned it knowing that I would fight back to win him again. Spoke a bit about the divorce process. He said he didn't want to force or blackmail me into divorce. He wants my full consent for it.

On a lighter note, he said me to stop logging into his facebook account. We both laughed a bit. (He never uses it and I have been stalking his fb. Pls don't judge me.) I hurt such a wonderful person. Since he was being nice, I said everything I wanted to say without the getting back together part.

 

Why would it break your intent to fight for him after divorce?

 

You know he planned this? Really?

 

How does someone "blackmail" a person into divorcing?

 

I don't understand any of this. You sound like two grade schoolers.

 

Why are you logging into his Facebook? I don't get any of this. Are you a twelve year old? DeepRemorse I think you are very immature. Very immature. Your reactions show this.

[Deepremorse5]

Why would it break your intent to fight for him after divorce?

 

You know he planned this? Really?

 

I know my husband. He is non confrontational by nature.He likes his space. So I knew he will move to a far away place. He was always getting these offers but I didn't want to move aboard. With us getting divorced, it makes sense that he took a offer.

 

How does someone "blackmail" a person into divorcing?

 

I don't understand any of this. You sound like two grade schoolers.

 

May be blackmail was not the correct term. What I meant is he has evidence yet he filed under mutual consent not adultery. He never used the evidence as leverage to get me to agree to the terms of divorce. With evidence, we would get divorced in a day. Yet he is taking the long route.

 

Why are you logging into his Facebook? I don't get any of this. Are you a twelve year old? DeepRemorse I think you are very immature. Very immature. Your reactions show this.

 

Facebook is an internal joke between us. He never used to log into his facebook. Always he used to ask me to do that. I don't feel the need to put a detailed explanation for it.

[stillafool]

We spoke for at least 2 hours. I expected him to be harsh but he was sweet as always. Never raised his voice during the entire conversation. He is moving to Frankfrut, Germany. Got a new role there which he will be starting from July this year. It hit me hard. Broke my intent to fight for him after divorce. But I know for sure he had planned it knowing that I would fight back to win him again. Spoke a bit about the divorce process. He said he didn't want to force or blackmail me into divorce. He wants my full consent for it.

On a lighter note, he said me to stop logging into his facebook account. We both laughed a bit. (He never uses it and I have been stalking his fb. Pls don't judge me.) I hurt such a wonderful person. Since he was being nice, I said everything I wanted to say without the getting back together part.

 

Well at least it sounds like you go closure.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am glad you both have closure and I wish you both peace and happiness

[usa1ah]

It's easy for me to blame my ex-bf. He did whatever he wanted but I am solely responsible for my marriage. I let my guards down with him. I have resisted so many advances made by others. Could have easily resisted him too but I got emotional about our history and let my guard down.

 

Not sure what my husband meant but he basically said if I have no intention of going back to my ex-bf, then ex-bf is going to have a tough life ahead.

 

 

I know. This is what I meant. You are responsible for your actions but your ex knew what buttons to push. If you husband is going to blow up the OM's world, let him. Actually ask him to.

[Deepremorse5]

I know. This is what I meant. You are responsible for your actions but your ex knew what buttons to push. If you husband is going to blow up the OM's world, let him. Actually ask him to.

 

I am meeting my husband tonight. I am getting limited time with him last thing I would like to do is talk about ex bf.

[Deepremorse5]

Recently my husband has started responding to my texts. It feels really good to be able to speak with him. I spoke my heart out to him. He said he is not strong enough to continue knowing all things that happened. He said he is at peace about things that happened and believe that they are part of life.He has forgiven me long back but was not sure about how he is going to deal with me. Then he said sorry for anything he did that hurt me. I kind of lost it there and started crying. Not sure how can I forgive myself for hurting him.

He has also invited me to visit him at Germany.

He also said that he won't mind if I start dating again anytime soon. But he expects me to extend same courtesy. Guess this broke me further. I knew this moment will come and I am not at all prepared for this. I said no to dating but clearly mentioned him that I won't mind him dating (I am going to get hurt for sure) and to keep it discrete for the time being. I asked for a date with him on Friday night and he agreed.

[Deepremorse5]

Need some advice regarding showing this thread to my husband. My therapist says don't do it. She feels it might impact his recovery.

[Krtk]

Need some advice regarding showing this thread to my husband. My therapist says don't do it. She feels it might impact his recovery.

 

I'm really happy to hear that you're back talking to your husband after that brief period of time and he forgive you that good but are you guys get back together if yes were talking different but he's leaving to germany and you're staying back in india right. So why complicate things too much enjoy this short period with him.

[aliveagain]

It is never wrong to be honest. Let him know it exists and let it be his decision to read it or not, after all, you have been nothing but honest with us and we with you. We are the ones that got angry at you for your selfish actions, we did so because he wasn't here to do it himself, we were angry for him. Many of us rarely respond on the other man/other woman threads, I being one of them. I have a hard time with selfish people and I have a very hard time with deception having been on the receiving end of it a number of times. Since we are all being honest with each other, I wasn't as bothered by her infidelity once I bedded a few women. I think that helped me deal with the imbalance created by being cheated on(we were separated when I slept with them). People remarry each other all the time, perhaps you should learn some German.

[Cephalopod]

He also said that he won't mind if I start dating again anytime soon. But he expects me to extend same courtesy. Guess this broke me further. I knew this moment will come and I am not at all prepared for this. I said no to dating but clearly mentioned him that I won't mind him dating (I am going to get hurt for sure) and to keep it discrete for the time being. I asked for a date with him on Friday night and he agreed.

 

He wants you to move on and leave him alone.

 

And after the divorce is final you will find another man very quickly, and you will fall in love very quickly, and you will move on from your husband quickly. No need to worry. You will fare much better than your husband will.

[Mrs. John Adams]

OR...find a new life and allow him to find one as well. Improve who you are for your next relationship...and allow him to do the same.

[fallingdown2013]

Recently my husband has started responding to my texts. It feels really good to be able to speak with him. I spoke my heart out to him. He said he is not strong enough to continue knowing all things that happened. He said he is at peace about things that happened and believe that they are part of life.He has forgiven me long back but was not sure about how he is going to deal with me. Then he said sorry for anything he did that hurt me. I kind of lost it there and started crying. Not sure how can I forgive myself for hurting him.

He has also invited me to visit him at Germany.

He also said that he won't mind if I start dating again anytime soon. But he expects me to extend same courtesy. Guess this broke me further. I knew this moment will come and I am not at all prepared for this. I said no to dating but clearly mentioned him that I won't mind him dating (I am going to get hurt for sure) and to keep it discrete for the time being. I asked for a date with him on Friday night and he agreed.

 

He's not at peace. If so, then it wouldn't bother him to hear your story about the affair. This move to Germany was very impulsive. He may get job offers frequently, but he recently decided to move to get away from you. Now, he's inviting you to visit him. He still doesn't know what he really wants. It's true that you can force the situation by choosing to move on, but you only live once and there are no guarantees that you will find love again. You may end up old and grey and wondering if you should have still tried to get your husband back.

 

Your husband may say things like he wants to date other women. He's still very hurt. If you behave like an attractive person in these situations (i.e. someone he wants to be around), then you may start to draw him in.

[Deepremorse5]

He's not at peace. If so, then it wouldn't bother him to hear your story about the affair.

 

He said if we are getting divorced then there is no point of knowing the details. He knows enough to want him to get a divorce. Listening to things beyond that is pointless for him. This is what he said when I offered to answer his questions honestly.

 

This move to Germany was very impulsive. He may get job offers frequently, but he recently decided to move to get away from you. Now, he's inviting you to visit him.

 

He is always getting job offers. He always wanted to go for those opportunities. But I was reluctant to move abroad. Now that we are getting divorced, it makes sense that he can take his career decisions independently. Yesterday he mentioned he received a job offer from NYC. He is really excited about the offer. He might reconsider the Frankfurt offer.

 

 

He still doesn't know what he really wants. It's true that you can force the situation by choosing to move on, but you only live once and there are no guarantees that you will find love again. You may end up old and grey and wondering if you should have still tried to get your husband back.

 

I have this in back of my mind. But he is trying to move away from me and I have to respect his decision. I have already hurt him badly. Last thing I would like to do is play mind games with him.

 

Your husband may say things like he wants to date other women. He's still very hurt. If you behave like an attractive person in these situations (i.e. someone he wants to be around), then you may start to draw him in.

 

If we are going to be a couple again, I need to be that person whom he cant say no. I am far far away from that position.

[Deepremorse5]

OR...find a new life and allow him to find one as well. Improve who you are for your next relationship...and allow him to do the same.

 

i am trying. it's just so hard to let him go.

 

Earlier when any woman used to check him out when we were together, I would feel jealous yet secretly proud that I am his girl. Yesterday when we met for dinner, a super pretty girl was clearly making it obvious that she wants his attention. What I felt was intense fear especially when he looked her back. I have lost him forever.

[elaine567]

i am trying. it's just so hard to let him go.

 

Earlier when any woman used to check him out when we were together, I would feel jealous yet secretly proud that I am his girl. Yesterday when we met for dinner, a super pretty girl was clearly making it obvious that she wants his attention. What I felt was intense fear especially when he looked her back. I have lost him forever.

 

Maybe but it was you, who he met for dinner.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deep remorse, I think you have a very sensible line of thought with regard to your husband and your current situation. The last thing you need to be doing is be aggressive in chasing your stbx husband. It seems to me that he is a very cool thinker and he is right in his decision not to want more details about your affair if you are divorcing. That way if he ever does think of getting back with you he will not have all the gory details bugging him and in the future too, he will not want to know so as not to spoil any romance that might blossom down the line. I think he is very rational in his line of thinking. Warm wishes.

[Trtroles]

I live in Frankfurt and it is beautiful place to live,trust me.

 

If he wants to move on to another country this is the right place for him. If you want to visit him or follow up you are going to love it here.

[usa1ah]

I am meeting my husband tonight. I am getting limited time with him last thing I would like to do is talk about ex bf.

 

 

Never said talk about the ex. Just a parting comment like "do what ever makes you feel better to -------- , (put something her if you want).

 

Make it understood that you care nothing for the OM.

 

Then never mention him again.

 

DR5, my heart goes out to you. You made a mess of things but you have taken the responsibility of your actions, unlike many waywards. Hope you have a friend that gives you a hug and tells you, it will be ok one day. If not, DR5 it will be ok one day.

[Deepremorse5]

Maybe but it was you, who he met for dinner.

 

It felt different. Truth be told, I have become more insecure and jealous even though I know he will date someone else. Every time his phone buzzed, I got nervous.

[Deepremorse5]

Hi Deep remorse, I think you have a very sensible line of thought with regard to your husband and your current situation. The last thing you need to be doing is be aggressive in chasing your stbx husband. It seems to me that he is a very cool thinker and he is right in his decision not to want more details about your affair if you are divorcing. That way if he ever does think of getting back with you he will not have all the gory details bugging him and in the future too, he will not want to know so as not to spoil any romance that might blossom down the line. I think he is very rational in his line of thinking. Warm wishes.

 

I hope he recover from all the hurt I have caused and find love. Even though I want to be that person but I know it will be a miracle if he will give me another chance.

I am having this burning desire to be intimate with him. Can't help myself.

[Deepremorse5]

I live in Frankfurt and it is beautiful place to live,trust me.

 

If he wants to move on to another country this is the right place for him. If you want to visit him or follow up you are going to love it here.

 

I lost my right to say anything. BTW I have sent him the link to this forum. Hope he will read your suggestion. Thanks for that.